I feel like I am being taken advantage of...

[ThatCrazyPreacher]

I posted this in another forum and was told I might be better to post it here...
I have a friend that is struggling with addiction, meth, possibly heroine. I have been bringing him to church, letting him stay with me 4-5 days a week, feeding him and anything I can do to help with his struggles.
His family all live here in town, but none of them want him to stay with them for a number of reasons. My problems lays in the fact that I live on disability and I receive a little help on my rent, not much, but every little bit helps.
I am now on the verge of losing my place because people have said that he is living here with me, also I get no help from any of his family in this (been 6 months so far). I mention something to his dad about my struggles but my pride won't allow me to ask for help. (I know, I don't need lessons on pride). So the other day, when he was supposed to come for church, he shows up with about 75.00 worth of food from the most expensive store in town, over half of it are things I don't eat, and tells me we can work out a trade, I go do some work around his house in trade for the "help" he gave me. I have no problem with helping him as I have already told him many times, I would just ask, because I didn't know what he wanted and didn't want done.
The thing is, on the "farm" where my friend lives (his dad has moved into town) there are about 8 - 12 people living there, i don't go because I am sure the police are watching it already and don't want my car seen there or caught up in it if they raid the place while I am there. My friends dad pays for utilities, internet, food, gas, cigarettes, for pretty much everyone there most of the time. I mention something the other day about him enabling and of course I get turned into the bad guy.
I would like some thoughts on how to handle this situation without causing conflict and stress on his dad as he has cancer an is afraid to lose his son in the process. I think his son should be helping him around the house, he should be giving his son a place to stay, he should be buying his food, he should not be buying his cigarettes, (if you can't afford them then you don't need them).

 

[2ndTimothyGroup]

I am now on the verge of losing my place because people have said that he is living here with me

I suppose much could be said in response to all that you've written, but your above quote is what stands out to me.

I don't see why you couldn't sit down with him, without any feeling or emotion and just lay it out there. Tell him that you have to take care of yourself and that he's going to have to either get himself cleaned up or he's going to have to make the alternate decision, which is to remain in his current lifestyle but would have to do it at another location. I mean, you're on disability yourself! People need to be helping you!

By placing the focus on yourself, and not on him, you should be able to talk about these things without fear and emotion. I know it's a challenge because you're essentially saying that you'll lose your place because of him, but the truth is, is that this is [your] situation. And your situation is that you're not independently wealthy.

I understand that you want to help this person, but they're not helping themselves. Alternatively, you could be helping someone in the same way if they were willing to change, and this would be meaningful. But, that's not what is happening. Any person that is trying to turn their situation around doesn't shop at Macey's when they need to be shopping at the Good Will.

So, believe in yourself as a good, balanced, healthy, normal person . . . and when you talk to him, you will "come off" better than if you are afraid, weak, and insecure. This is about you . . . not about him.

Respect . . .

 

[Oncefallen]

I hate to come across as a jerk, but you need to throw the deadbeat out on the street. Continuing to "help" him is not helping, but rather enabling his bad behavior. Clearly there is a reason why his own family won't help him, more than likely they gave up years ago when they figured out they were getting taken for a ride.

 

[Lighthearted]

I posted this in another forum and was told I might be better to post it here...
I have a friend that is struggling with addiction, meth, possibly heroine. I have been bringing him to church, letting him stay with me 4-5 days a week, feeding him and anything I can do to help with his struggles.
His family all live here in town, but none of them want him to stay with them for a number of reasons. My problems lays in the fact that I live on disability and I receive a little help on my rent, not much, but every little bit helps.
I am now on the verge of losing my place because people have said that he is living here with me, also I get no help from any of his family in this (been 6 months so far). I mention something to his dad about my struggles but my pride won't allow me to ask for help. (I know, I don't need lessons on pride). So the other day, when he was supposed to come for church, he shows up with about 75.00 worth of food from the most expensive store in town, over half of it are things I don't eat, and tells me we can work out a trade, I go do some work around his house in trade for the "help" he gave me. I have no problem with helping him as I have already told him many times, I would just ask, because I didn't know what he wanted and didn't want done.
The thing is, on the "farm" where my friend lives (his dad has moved into town) there are about 8 - 12 people living there, i don't go because I am sure the police are watching it already and don't want my car seen there or caught up in it if they raid the place while I am there. My friends dad pays for utilities, internet, food, gas, cigarettes, for pretty much everyone there most of the time. I mention something the other day about him enabling and of course I get turned into the bad guy.
I would like some thoughts on how to handle this situation without causing conflict and stress on his dad as he has cancer an is afraid to lose his son in the process. I think his son should be helping him around the house, he should be giving his son a place to stay, he should be buying his food, he should not be buying his cigarettes, (if you can't afford them then you don't need them).

God bless you, Crazy Preacher
I understand how you feel. I went to Christian counseling. (Thank you Jesus for the ways you led me there.)❤️
Well, there was a book I was introduced to and asked to read...by no coincidence, therapy happens to use it too.
The book is "Boundaries" by Henry Cloud and John Townsend.
So, it's not a surprise that I was really never taught boundaries and that even God has boundaries...and although it's good to help others as brothers and sisters we need to love them but serve them within boundaries. Rest is necessary for us in these bodies. Jesus had to rest.
I'm finding it to be true, that instead of relying on our own wisdom, we live a Holy Spirit led life. That way we let Him show us those boundaries...so we move when He says to move and otherwise, be still.
Honestly though, I still struggle with being still, but I'm listening. That's a step in the right direction.
So, if you'd like to read it and can't get a copy...send me a profile message.

 

[SophieT]

I hate to come across as a jerk, but you need to throw the deadbeat out on the street. Continuing to "help" him is not helping, but rather enabling his bad behavior. Clearly there is a reason why his own family won't help him, more than likely they gave up years ago when they figured out they were getting taken for a ride.

he actually did get some responses on the blog (I'm the one who told him he would do better here)

possible to move those over here?

thanks

 

[SophieT]

God bless you, Crazy Preacher
I understand how you feel. I went to Christian counseling. (Thank you Jesus for the ways you led me there.)❤️
Well, there was a book I was introduced to and asked to read...by no coincidence, therapy happens to use it too.
The book is "Boundaries" by Henry Cloud and John Townsend.
So, it's not a surprise that I was really never taught boundaries and that even God has boundaries...and although it's good to help others as brothers and sisters we need to love them but serve them within boundaries. Rest is necessary for us in these bodies. Jesus had to rest.
I'm finding it to be true, that instead of relying on our own wisdom, we live a Holy Spirit led life. That way we let Him show us those boundaries...so we move when He says to move and otherwise, be still.
Honestly though, I still struggle with being still, but I'm listening. That's a step in the right direction.
So, if you'd like to read it and can't get a copy...send me a profile message.

boundaries is a great book.

 

[Runningman]

I posted this in another forum and was told I might be better to post it here...
I have a friend that is struggling with addiction, meth, possibly heroine. I have been bringing him to church, letting him stay with me 4-5 days a week, feeding him and anything I can do to help with his struggles.
His family all live here in town, but none of them want him to stay with them for a number of reasons. My problems lays in the fact that I live on disability and I receive a little help on my rent, not much, but every little bit helps.
I am now on the verge of losing my place because people have said that he is living here with me, also I get no help from any of his family in this (been 6 months so far). I mention something to his dad about my struggles but my pride won't allow me to ask for help. (I know, I don't need lessons on pride). So the other day, when he was supposed to come for church, he shows up with about 75.00 worth of food from the most expensive store in town, over half of it are things I don't eat, and tells me we can work out a trade, I go do some work around his house in trade for the "help" he gave me. I have no problem with helping him as I have already told him many times, I would just ask, because I didn't know what he wanted and didn't want done.
The thing is, on the "farm" where my friend lives (his dad has moved into town) there are about 8 - 12 people living there, i don't go because I am sure the police are watching it already and don't want my car seen there or caught up in it if they raid the place while I am there. My friends dad pays for utilities, internet, food, gas, cigarettes, for pretty much everyone there most of the time. I mention something the other day about him enabling and of course I get turned into the bad guy.
I would like some thoughts on how to handle this situation without causing conflict and stress on his dad as he has cancer an is afraid to lose his son in the process. I think his son should be helping him around the house, he should be giving his son a place to stay, he should be buying his food, he should not be buying his cigarettes, (if you can't afford them then you don't need them).

I can tell you have a good heart, but sometimes love isn’t showering your neighbor in all comforts and luxuries. At some point he has to fly on his own and when we help people we should have that end goal in mind. We can’t keep continuously applying band aids forever; at some point there needs to be healing and resolution. He needs to get cleaned up, sobered up, then go find a job.

 

[SophieT]

I can tell you have a good heart, but sometimes love isn’t showering your neighbor in all comforts and luxuries. At some point he has to fly on his own and when we help people we should have that end goal in mind. We can’t keep continuously applying band aids forever; at some point there needs to be healing and resolution. He needs to get cleaned up, sobered up, then go find a job.

I would add to this, be careful of feeling guilty if you cut him loose

I learned some painful lessons when trying to help people....some folks are just users and some folks want to piggyback their way through life on someone elses back and some folks will turn around and badmouth you 7 ways from Sunday if you cut the moorings

above all else, pray because God knows the heart and He knows your heart. and He knows the concerns you have for the man's father

 

[Lighthearted]

I can tell you have a good heart, but sometimes love isn’t showering your neighbor in all comforts and luxuries. At some point he has to fly on his own and when we help people we should have that end goal in mind. We can’t keep continuously applying band aids forever; at some point there needs to be healing and resolution. He needs to get cleaned up, sobered up, then go find a job.

Agreed...but the first thing He needs is Jesus. Gotta build back from the foundation or the bones won't

I would add to this, be careful of feeling guilty if you cut him loose

I learned some painful lessons when trying to help people....some folks are just users and some folks want to piggyback their way through life on someone elses back and some folks will turn around and badmouth you 7 ways from Sunday if you cut the moorings

above all else, pray because God knows the heart and He knows your heart. and He knows the concerns you have for the man's father

That's so true. If you do things in Christ's love there's nothing you should ever feel guilty about! Jesus didn't give everyone what they wanted. (He hasn't changed.)😉 He's our perfect example.

 

[SophieT]

Agreed...but the first thing He needs is Jesus. Gotta build back from the foundation or the bones won't
That's so true. If you do things in Christ's love there's nothing you should ever feel guilty about! Jesus didn't give everyone what they wanted. (He hasn't changed.)

ha. reminds me of a song, with the line in it: tell me what you want and I'll give you what you need

some of us are pretty guilt ridden because of how we were raised ... but studying or even reading the Bible, will show us that Jesus desires we do not live in that cage...agree with what God says about us and not what the devil wants to force on us.

of course others, run over people like they were part of the road and we cannot change others

 

[Lighthearted]

Don't know what happened to my last post. Tech diff.😂
Anyone that knows me knows I'm a walking tech nightmare.

 

[listenyoumustAll]

I posted this in another forum and was told I might be better to post it here...
I have a friend that is struggling with addiction, meth, possibly heroine. I have been bringing him to church, letting him stay with me 4-5 days a week, feeding him and anything I can do to help with his struggles.
His family all live here in town, but none of them want him to stay with them for a number of reasons. My problems lays in the fact that I live on disability and I receive a little help on my rent, not much, but every little bit helps.
I am now on the verge of losing my place because people have said that he is living here with me, also I get no help from any of his family in this (been 6 months so far). I mention something to his dad about my struggles but my pride won't allow me to ask for help. (I know, I don't need lessons on pride). So the other day, when he was supposed to come for church, he shows up with about 75.00 worth of food from the most expensive store in town, over half of it are things I don't eat, and tells me we can work out a trade, I go do some work around his house in trade for the "help" he gave me. I have no problem with helping him as I have already told him many times, I would just ask, because I didn't know what he wanted and didn't want done.
The thing is, on the "farm" where my friend lives (his dad has moved into town) there are about 8 - 12 people living there, i don't go because I am sure the police are watching it already and don't want my car seen there or caught up in it if they raid the place while I am there. My friends dad pays for utilities, internet, food, gas, cigarettes, for pretty much everyone there most of the time. I mention something the other day about him enabling and of course I get turned into the bad guy.
I would like some thoughts on how to handle this situation without causing conflict and stress on his dad as he has cancer an is afraid to lose his son in the process. I think his son should be helping him around the house, he should be giving his son a place to stay, he should be buying his food, he should not be buying his cigarettes, (if you can't afford them then you don't need them).

If your friend is a believer ,there is no wrong in support him further . work out a budget and you and him can fund collectively are earnings dictate, dialogue can fix misconceptions. God is your help .

 

[Nehemiah6]

I have a friend that is struggling with addiction, meth, possibly heroine. I have been bringing him to church, letting him stay with me 4-5 days a week, feeding him and anything I can do to help with his struggles.

It looks like the time has come when you have to tell your friend: "I have done as much as I can to help you, but that is no longer possible. You will have to find help from other sources, so please leave".

 

[Lighthearted]

S

ha. reminds me of a song, with the line in it: tell me what you want and I'll give you what you need

some of us are pretty guilt ridden because of how we were raised ... but studying or even reading the Bible, will show us that Jesus desires we do not live in that cage...agree with what God says about us and not what the devil wants to force on us.

of course others, run over people like they were part of the road and we cannot change others

Right. We can always pray and hand things over to the Master.

 

[ThatCrazyPreacher]

I suppose much could be said in response to all that you've written, but your above quote is what stands out to me.

I don't see why you couldn't sit down with him, without any feeling or emotion and just lay it out there. Tell him that you have to take care of yourself and that he's going to have to either get himself cleaned up or he's going to have to make the alternate decision, which is to remain in his current lifestyle but would have to do it at another location. I mean, you're on disability yourself! People need to be helping you!

By placing the focus on yourself, and not on him, you should be able to talk about these things without fear and emotion. I know it's a challenge because you're essentially saying that you'll lose your place because of him, but the truth is, is that this is [your] situation. And your situation is that you're not independently wealthy.

I understand that you want to help this person, but they're not helping themselves. Alternatively, you could be helping someone in the same way if they were willing to change, and this would be meaningful. But, that's not what is happening. Any person that is trying to turn their situation around doesn't shop at Macey's when they need to be shopping at the Good Will.

So, believe in yourself as a good, balanced, healthy, normal person . . . and when you talk to him, you will "come off" better than if you are afraid, weak, and insecure. This is about you . . . not about him.

Respect . . .

I did that very thing, and imagine this, he has been clean for 2 weeks and has gotten a job. He is still in the struggles of life, but it's only been a couple of weeks, so now i just sit back and watch. give advise when asked, and let God work he will on him and his family.

 

[2ndTimothyGroup]

I did that very thing, and imagine this, he has been clean for 2 weeks and has gotten a job. He is still in the struggles of life, but it's only been a couple of weeks, so now i just sit back and watch. give advise when asked, and let God work he will on him and his family.

I may be a couple years younger than you, but I am really proud of you. Your situation is anything but normal, yet you're trying to handle it in a way that doesn't allow itself to get out of control, if not dangerous. The one thing that you don't want to do is make a drug user angry; as said, it could be dangerous. So, I feel like I comprehend the gravity of your circumstances.

It sounds like you're doing things right; just sitting back and waiting for him to improve. These things take time. Sometimes people can change quickly and sometimes more slowly.

Powerful, Almighty God . . . we ask that you would continue to grant That Crazy Preacher the Understanding, Knowledge, and Wisdom that he needs to ensure that he is not only taking care of his friend, but himself as well. Grant them both the Holy Peace and Love that only you are able to deliver. In the Name of your Powerful Son, Jesus . . . Amen.