How to "pry" without being offensive?!!

[Krumbeard]

I would say, be led... by the Spirit... what to say and what not to say, if you are unsure

You know, I have heard things like this my whole life. Led by the Spirit. The problem for me is how do I know it's the Spirit or my own desires. I have struggled for a long time with this. I have heard people say "The Spirit told me to do __________." I have never had that experience.

The only time I can say that I knew the Spirit was talking to me was in the spring of this year. I was in a rebellion, and I knew it. Like a little kid laying on the floor kicking and screaming, this was me. For about a month and a half. I knew it was wrong. I didn't care. I was angry. But all the while I was doing this verses, promises and themes from the bible kept coming to mind. It finally got the better of me and I repented.

 

[Krumbeard]

I think it's very difficult to get to know someone through texting alone. There is just too much missing from the conversation. Talking by phone is better, simply because you can interact much more quickly, and you can pick up vocal cues. Video chats are another step up, but nothing beats face-to-face between two people who want to communicate with each other.

Take the person at their word. If they say they are straightforward, believe them. If they express hesitation, give them space. When you are wanting to go farther, I think it's alright to give a brief preface such as, "I would like to get to know you better, and smalltalk isn't helping me with that. Are you open to that?" and then perhaps "If I ask a question that makes you uncomfortable, feel free to pass."

Then begin the interrog deeper interaction.

These are good thoughts. I should clarify, that I wasn't necessarily meaning heading into a relationship, if that's what you were implying. Just a general trying to get to know someone better. But it would help to meet them in person or on the phone etc. with that too.

Emails are such a difficult way to communicate. Everything the other person reads is filtered through their own experiences. One of my favourite quotes is "People do not see you as you are. They see you as they are." I think this applies to how others interpret your words. In social work we were told that only 38% of communication is verbal. Even verbal has the cues of tone, volume and manner. Without those you are a bit hampered. Think of when you ask someone how they are doing and they say they are fine. Depending on how it is said it means really different things. Also even a short answer can mean upset, tired, in pain, distracted or you are in big trouble.
I think when you are writing to someone you need to take extra time and effort to clarify what you are saying and how you are saying it. Take time to clarify that the message you are sending is the same one they are receiving.
It may seem awkward but if it is a personal question, make sure you explain your reasons for asking, your motives, your caring, your acceptance and your appreciation for who they are.

(For writing to the unmarried woman or male friend):You might say something like, "I notice you have been a little quiet lately and I wanted to make sure that things are going all right in your world (This keeps them from being on the defensive otherwise they might hear "I am unhappy with you for not meeting my needs"). I know that when I get quiet it is because life is tough. Sometimes I just need alone time or I'm not feeling well but I just want you to know that I'm thinking of you. (Give examples from your own life to explain why quiet may alert you to possible issues). "

(If emailing with a married female friend)
In the case of tone changing with a married person I would redirect things to saying, "Well that is a tough situation. What does (spouse's name) say about that? Sounds like you two need to talk about that. He may have some good insight. I am sure you two can do this. I will pray for God to give you both wisdom." Basically I'd address her in terms of being part of a couple. I would also not have comments about thinking of them. I also would limit online relationships with married people of the opposite sex. It could have them seeking a connection with you that needs to happen with their spouse.
I could go on (and it looks like I already have) but these are ways to help deal with the inadequacy of online communication. Like Dino said, nothing beats face to face for communication. Good luck and all the best.

Your quote is interesting. I never thought about that. I will remember that...until I forget it.

Also, as to the email to the married friend, I did have to bring it back to her and her loving husband and advising that maybe she see a counselor if she hasn't already. And to not share anymore details about things in my life. That stopped it.

Of course if you misinterpret what I say in this forum, it is YOUR fault. I know what I'm saying makes perfect sense.

"But there are seven billion people in the world! I can't possibly stop to consider how ALL of them might interpret something!"

"Ah, yes, there's no middle ground between 'taking personal responsibility for the thoughts and feelings of every single person on Earth' and 'covering your eyes and ears and yelling logically correct statements into the void.' That's a very insightful point and not at all inane."

Yeah, I guess if I offend someone, they can let me know.
Sometimes I need confronted about things and that can be offensive.

Thanks for your input, those who have posted.

 

[morefaithrequired]

Okay, I hope that got your attention! That was the point!

What I am wondering is as I talk to others, and I will say especially in text format, such as PM, text messages, forums, or email, do you ever feel hindered by the lack of "other" forms of communication such as facial/bodily expressions or gestures, tone of voice, inflection and things like that? I know that we have emojis and all that but it is still lacking greatly in my opinion.

Now this "flat" form of communication can be very different if you already know someone in person and you keep in touch this way because of distance and convenience. I have some very close friends relationally but distant physically. They live in Louisiana and I live in PA. So I do get to see them several times a year maybe, but we "talk" regularly through text. Since we know each other and our personalities and beliefs and have spent a lot of time together in person I can tell them something without explaining or emoji-ing what I mean and what context and they get it.

So as I have had the privilege of getting to know others online in the last several months, I find it difficult to ask deep questions without thinking that I will offend or asking about things that might be off limits. Even if they have said that I can ask I still find it hard.

I seem to be a person that isn't too good with chit chat with people. I tend to take a conversation to a deeper level if it lends to that. If not...I run out of words. It is interesting to me to see how others think and cope with difficult circumstances in their lives. So that makes me want to ask more questions often getting deeper and more personal. Then I worry about being offensive or creepy or weird.

Also, I try to be open with them also. I have found in talking to other guys, that if I am open and honest about where I have struggled with and what I think about porn, that they will begin to feel safe and open up and talk about things too.

So I do try to share as they ask also. But there are boundaries. And they are different for different people.

I guess I am thinking out loud or in text. I guess I need to listen to them and trust that they will tell me if I have asked or said something that is out of line. I also don't think I "talk" inappropriately. I'm not into flirting, but in my mind that is fluid depending on what I think or how I view the other person.

when I was a teen I used to hang out a lot with my cousin and her cousin. the three of us would go do things together. A couple of years ago this friend (cousin's cousin) heard about things in my life and emailed me. We emailed a few times. She was sympathetic of the children as she went through the same thing as a child. But one of the last emails she sent the tone changed. I felt that and put a stop to it. In hindsight it was something that I should not have been doing. She is married. We exchanged nothing inappropriate but I got to see how things could easily go bad if I would have continued. that was a case where I knew her and could sense the "tone' of the email change.

Does anyone else understand what I am saying? Many of you have been here for a long time! How do you think about "knowing" someone online?

I understand I think. You write so well and in such a charmingly open style its hard not to be a fan.
Oops...back to my narcissism.

 

[Krumbeard]

I think it's very difficult to get to know someone through texting alone. There is just too much missing from the conversation. Talking by phone is better, simply because you can interact much more quickly, and you can pick up vocal cues. Video chats are another step up, but nothing beats face-to-face between two people who want to communicate with each other.

Take the person at their word. If they say they are straightforward, believe them. If they express hesitation, give them space. When you are wanting to go farther, I think it's alright to give a brief preface such as, "I would like to get to know you better, and smalltalk isn't helping me with that. Are you open to that?" and then perhaps "If I ask a question that makes you uncomfortable, feel free to pass."

Then begin the interrog deeper interaction.

These are good thoughts. I should clarify, that I wasn't necessarily meaning heading into a relationship, if that's what you were implying. Just a general trying to get to know someone better. But it would help to meet them in person or on the phone etc. with that too.

Emails are such a difficult way to communicate. Everything the other person reads is filtered through their own experiences. One of my favourite quotes is "People do not see you as you are. They see you as they are." I think this applies to how others interpret your words. In social work we were told that only 38% of communication is verbal. Even verbal has the cues of tone, volume and manner. Without those you are a bit hampered. Think of when you ask someone how they are doing and they say they are fine. Depending on how it is said it means really different things. Also even a short answer can mean upset, tired, in pain, distracted or you are in big trouble.
I think when you are writing to someone you need to take extra time and effort to clarify what you are saying and how you are saying it. Take time to clarify that the message you are sending is the same one they are receiving.
It may seem awkward but if it is a personal question, make sure you explain your reasons for asking, your motives, your caring, your acceptance and your appreciation for who they are.

(For writing to the unmarried woman or male friend):You might say something like, "I notice you have been a little quiet lately and I wanted to make sure that things are going all right in your world (This keeps them from being on the defensive otherwise they might hear "I am unhappy with you for not meeting my needs"). I know that when I get quiet it is because life is tough. Sometimes I just need alone time or I'm not feeling well but I just want you to know that I'm thinking of you. (Give examples from your own life to explain why quiet may alert you to possible issues). "

(If emailing with a married female friend)
In the case of tone changing with a married person I would redirect things to saying, "Well that is a tough situation. What does (spouse's name) say about that? Sounds like you two need to talk about that. He may have some good insight. I am sure you two can do this. I will pray for God to give you both wisdom." Basically I'd address her in terms of being part of a couple. I would also not have comments about thinking of them. I also would limit online relationships with married people of the opposite sex. It could have them seeking a connection with you that needs to happen with their spouse.
I could go on (and it looks like I already have) but these are ways to help deal with the inadequacy of online communication. Like Dino said, nothing beats face to face for communication. Good luck and all the best.

Your quote is interesting. I never thought about that. I will remember that...until I forget it.

Also, as to the email to the married friend, I did have to bring it back to her and her loving husband and advising that maybe she see a counselor if she hasn't already. And to not share anymore details about things in my life. That stopped it.

Of course if you misinterpret what I say in this forum, it is YOUR fault. I know what I'm saying makes perfect sense.

"But there are seven billion people in the world! I can't possibly stop to consider how ALL of them might interpret something!"

"Ah, yes, there's no middle ground between 'taking personal responsibility for the thoughts and feelings of every single person on Earth' and 'covering your eyes and ears and yelling logically correct statements into the void.' That's a very insightful point and not at all inane."

Yeah, I guess if I offend someone, they can let me know.
Sometimes I need confronted about things and that can be offensive.

Thanks for your input, those who have posted.

 

[Butterflyyy]

You know, I have heard things like this my whole life. Led by the Spirit. The problem for me is how do I know it's the Spirit or my own desires. I have struggled for a long time with this. I have heard people say "The Spirit told me to do __________." I have never had that experience.

The only time I can say that I knew the Spirit was talking to me was in the spring of this year. I was in a rebellion, and I knew it. Like a little kid laying on the floor kicking and screaming, this was me. For about a month and a half. I knew it was wrong. I didn't care. I was angry. But all the while I was doing this verses, promises and themes from the bible kept coming to mind. It finally got the better of me and I repented.

I said this because, even though I get what you are saying about not knowing at times if it is the Spirit leading or my own thought, nevertheless I know that when in conversation with others on-line, I am able to discern a resistance at times when He wants me to refrain from saying something.... it brings to mind that scripture which says, " You will hear a voice behind you saying this is the way walk in it when you turn to the left or the right."... Is 30:21

 

[Lanolin]

I think the good thing about online forums, like this one, is if you do share something thats kinda personal yet its anonymous, meaning that we arent named as we all have online names, and we arent naming and shaming anyone else if we happen to talk about stuff thats happning in our lives.

I mean I have shared some pretty intense struggles but as nobody knows specifically WHO I am talking about cos Im not naming them, its private. God knows but you dont need to know.

Jesus did the same he would say 'a certain man' he wouldnt say oh Peter or John bloggs did this and that. When he was trying to show something that wasnt right. And even if I said well its my mum or sister I am not going to name them on here or share any identifiable personal details or put their pictures up or anything like that. You do need to respect not just your own privacy but other peoples.

 

[Princesse]

I came online in my twenties and after two decades of interaction, meetings, and amazing stories and disclosures. I’ve learned not to read more into the sliver I’m shown, not to take things personal, and never forget I’m talking to a stranger. A familiar moniker doesn’t alter that.

I remember anonymity is fickle and avoid disclosing things I can’t admit on a stage or in person. There was a time I was more forthcoming. But I was in a different season then and the Lord has pricked me more than once to be still. When He brings someone my way I sense it in my spirit. There’s an inexplicable affinity that comes from Him.

For the most part, I don’t believe you can know someone based on the limited things they share on a forum or message. You don’t know their bones. My friendships from this realm range from 16 to 22 years. I know them intimately and can finish their thoughts and sentences with ease.

In my experience, you can’t cajole anyone to unveil. They do so of their volition. Some people speculate and assume they’ve figured someone out, But that’s rarely the case. They’re deluding themselves.