How Many People Can You Realistically Serve? (Especially When Marrying Into a Blended Family Situation?)

[seoulsearch]

Hey Everyone,

I've been thinking about this a lot lately. I know a ton of people married into/involved in blended family situations and are facing a whole host of challenges, but I NEVER hear this talked about in the church (at least, not in the circles I'm in.)

I'm at an age where, if I married, it would most likely be into a blended family situation (which I define as meaning that one or both people involved have kids and/or grandkids they are raising/supporting in some way from previous relationships.) Most people in my age category also have aging parents/step-parents and family members on top of that who need regular help with transportation, medication, and financial support.

And of course, if you get married, this usually means you will have at least two families who will all have members needing support. My married friends regularly talk about the challenges of taking care of two sets of parents, along with any kids, siblings, nieces and nephews, grandkids, etc. It gets even more complicated because so many people these days also have step-family members they also look after.

I grew up in a relatively small nuclear family, so the very thought of having to juggle so many people makes my brain spin, though I've gotten a taste of this in past relationships.

I also realize that many people, especially those who married young, didn't go into their marriage thinking, "Ok, I can take on 10 other family members, max" -- because they obviously didn't know how many children they would have or what the future would be. But most people in this situation had time to adjust -- if they had 4 kids, they generally didn't all come at once, and the family had at least a little time to accommodate each new change. If the family grew and took on more members, such as their kids marrying and having their own kids, it was generally one or a few at a time, not all at once.

I had a time my life when I was starkly faced with becoming an instant caretaker of a grown adult who couldn't care for himself, and a near-single parent to two toddlers all at once. It resulted in me literally physically crying out to God every day, because I didn't know how to handle it.

And so one of the things I ask myself is, if I were to marry at this stage in the game, how many people can I realistically serve at one time? Because marriage itself is about serving, and at this point in life, it's probably going to mean serving multiple people all at once. (For instance, two sets of aging parents, at the very least.)

One of the things I've learned about myself is that I do much better serving fewer people hopefully well rather than trying to serve many people and failing, or at best, doing just a so-so, mediocre job at serving any of them. I grew up in a small family, in small towns, and went to small schools until my later academic years, and so smaller numbers is just what I'm more comfortable with.

I prefer this in work and ministry as well. I don't like mega ministries, and if I can choose where I serve, I'll always choose leaders who are serving smaller groups rather than those who want to reach the masses. I admire anyone who wants to reach as many people as they can, of course, but when it comes to hands-on serving, the smaller, more personal groups is where you're going to find me.

And while of course it's all up to God, I have to admit that if I were in a dating/looking at marriage situation that meant I would immediately be thrown into the service of several people all at once, I would be more than a bit apprehensive.

How about you? (I realize these issues might not apply for our younger friends here, but the reality seems to be that it's more and more likely that many will be marrying into blended families that are going to stretch your time, availability, and resources.)

* Did you grow up in a small, medium, or large family? Would you prefer to marry into a family that's a similar or different size than your own, and why?

* Do you feel you'd be intimidated marrying into a family where you would immediately be caring for children, grandchildren, in-laws, or all of the above? Why or why not?

* How many people do you realistically think you can serve with your time and abilities?

* How many people do you realistically think you can serve with your finances?

* Do limitations on how many people you can serve keep you from dating or marrying? Why or why not?


I realize this is a topic, like most, in which there are no absolute answers. Different people will be equipped to handle things differently.

But I often wonder how many people may have rushed into some situations, not really thinking about how much service it would take and what they were capable of -- and now regret it.

For me, the possibility of getting married isn't just about finding someone to spend the rest of my life with -- it's finding the right person, and the right situation, which God knows I'll be hopefully be able to serve to the best of the abilities He gives me.

How about you?

I would love to hear other's thoughts about this.

 

[Suze]

So , briefly , I'm an only child of my mum , my parents divorced when I was 7 and my dad didn't get visitation right to me at all , he got on with his life and had two more children with his wife in a foreign country .
My mum married a man when I was 16 . Neither my mum or step dad ever had any interest in parenting me , from the age of 7 I lived sometimes with grandparents sometimes with aunties and occasionally with my mum but not often . They both didn't make any attempt to disguise their lack of interest in me . By the time I was 17 I had my own place and got on with my life . Spent a bit of time with mum and step dad as I got older but not much .
Fast forward to spring 2022, went to mums for a visit and learned that her carer had tried to kill herself so , someone needed to step in and help . My step dad had 2 daughters one a year older than me that doesn't live close and the other a year younger who has mental health problems and is extremely lazy and selfish and wouldn't help anyone unless it benefitted her in some way . So that left me . I'm married and disabled , my hubby has mental health problems and we don't have a car . I just got on with it . It's what u do . Step dad died November last year so it's just mum im helping out now . Hubby's mum is getting frail so it will b her I will b looking after next .
I think my rule is , if there isn't anyone else able to help then I will . If there r others in better positions and willing to help then let them do it . I've aged ten years in the last five . Only God has got me through it all with my sanity and sense of humour in tact !

 

[Tall_Timbers]

Did you grow up in a small, medium, or large family? Would you prefer to marry into a family that's a similar or different size than your own, and why?

* Do you feel you'd be intimidated marrying into a family where you would immediately be caring for children, grandchildren, in-laws, or all of the above? Why or why not?

* How many people do you realistically think you can serve with your time and abilities?

* How many people do you realistically think you can serve with your finances?

* Do limitations on how many people you can serve keep you from dating or marrying? Why or why not?

I grew up in a medium sized family: 8 children and mom and dad. I guess that would be considered a large family nowadays. My wife and I only raised 4 children. I would have enjoyed 4 more.

I suggest to people not to concern themselves overmuch over affordability. You'll find a way.

 

[tourist]

* How many people do you realistically think you can serve with your time and abilities?

Based on my own experience and observations I would say that the number of people is one, namely your spouse.

 

[Levib]

I had a small family that was not close. I envy some of the nationalities that are very family oriented and have big families.

I have found few people that truly need financial assistance. Most just need to go to work and in the US we have many programs to do the rest. There is a fine line between helping financially and enabling someone.

The question of how many people can you serve is a good one and not easily answered. In-laws and step children may not be open to a relationship at all. Sometimes we need to say ‘No, because I don’t want to’ and ‘No, because I don’t have the time/resources’.

Luke 12:22,25-26 KJV
[22]And he said unto his disciples, Therefore I say unto you, Take no thought for your life, what ye shall eat; neither for the body, what ye shall put on. [25] And which of you with taking thought can add to his stature one cubit? [26] If ye then be not able to do that thing which is least, why take ye thought for the rest?

 

[seoulsearch]

I had a small family that was not close. I envy some of the nationalities that are very family oriented and have big families.

I have found few people that truly need financial assistance. Most just need to go to work and in the US we have many programs to do the rest. There is a fine line between helping financially and enabling someone.

The question of how many people can you serve is a good one and not easily answered. In-laws and step children may not be open to a relationship at all. Sometimes we need to say ‘No, because I don’t want to’ and ‘No, because I don’t have the time/resources’.

Luke 12:22,25-26 KJV
[22]And he said unto his disciples, Therefore I say unto you, Take no thought for your life, what ye shall eat; neither for the body, what ye shall put on. [25] And which of you with taking thought can add to his stature one cubit? [26] If ye then be not able to do that thing which is least, why take ye thought for the rest?

I'm finding it very interesting listening to how the crunch in the economy is causing a lot of people to move back home with their families.

For some reason, in the USA, living with your parents is seen as a sign of failure -- in other countries/cultures, having 20 people under one roof from multiple generations -- is just normal.

(Though I have to admit to being 200% Americanized. I love my parents to pieces, but am very thankful I don't have to live with them, as we are each very set in our -- very different -- ways.)

 

[seoulsearch]

So , briefly , I'm an only child of my mum , my parents divorced when I was 7 and my dad didn't get visitation right to me at all , he got on with his life and had two more children with his wife in a foreign country .
My mum married a man when I was 16 . Neither my mum or step dad ever had any interest in parenting me , from the age of 7 I lived sometimes with grandparents sometimes with aunties and occasionally with my mum but not often . They both didn't make any attempt to disguise their lack of interest in me . By the time I was 17 I had my own place and got on with my life . Spent a bit of time with mum and step dad as I got older but not much .
Fast forward to spring 2022, went to mums for a visit and learned that her carer had tried to kill herself so , someone needed to step in and help . My step dad had 2 daughters one a year older than me that doesn't live close and the other a year younger who has mental health problems and is extremely lazy and selfish and wouldn't help anyone unless it benefitted her in some way . So that left me . I'm married and disabled , my hubby has mental health problems and we don't have a car . I just got on with it . It's what u do . Step dad died November last year so it's just mum im helping out now . Hubby's mum is getting frail so it will b her I will b looking after next .
I think my rule is , if there isn't anyone else able to help then I will . If there r others in better positions and willing to help then let them do it . I've aged ten years in the last five . Only God has got me through it all with my sanity and sense of humour in tact !

I applaud you wholeheartedly for taking care of both your own mother (especially with the struggles you've shared,) and your husband's mother as well.

All my married friends are facing similar situations. Even when God calls one person home, there is always someone else -- or several others -- who also need help, so it seems to be a never-ending cycle in this particular stage of life. And even when the elders go home to heaven, grandparents these days often seem to be expected to babysit for free and help raise/pay costs for their grandchildren -- at least, from what I've been seeing.

I have a lifelong friend with whom I've share every major experience in life with. We graduated from all levels of schooling together, went to catechism and had our first communions together, whispered about our first crushes, drove our first cars, cried on each other's shoulders through breakups and cheered each other on through every major milestone in life.

For the past 20 years, we've been asking, "Is the only thing left to look forward to in life going to be social security?" (and we both doubt this will exist by the time we're eligible for it.) But she at least has endless renewed chances at life adventures through her husband and children.

When I first landed here on the CC Singles page, the audience was mostly in their late 20's to 30's and a few in their 40's and 50's. Back then, there was a lot of talk about marriage as a new beginning -- a fresh start, a chance to build a new life together from scratch, and starting a family from square one.

These days, I'm in a stage of realizing that for most people I'm around, their lives are already built -- and so it's not so much a matter of starting a new life together, but trying to mash two already-established lives together in a way that causes the least amount of collateral damage.

More than anything, I think God is teaching me that I'm in a place of learning and accepting that my life is less and less of my own, and needs to be focused even more on others as I get older.

With most of my single peers being in similar situations, I think it really redefines what a new marriage would look like and need in order to work in this very different phase of life.

 

[JohnDB]

I've seen it all in blended families.

From controlling manipulation of children to abandonment and neglect of step children.
Then the in-laws....some (like mine) are respectful and good natured but somewhat dysfunctional. They have zero idea of why I do the things the way i do them....but they mostly let me alone aside from the comments.

Then there's the annoying parent in-laws....the ones who insert themselves into every aspect of your life and decisions. Sometimes the spouse draws them in...."mama's boy" or "daddy's girl" doesn't even begin to describe what happens.

Marriage is difficult enough but intrusive other members adds to the problems.

To prospective step parents I'd say this:
Do not try to replace the biological parent. Don't be a buddy/friend either. Just be a caring adult in their life. That's what you get. Emotions by children can't be forced....
And they may hate you or be absolutely horrid.

But that's not YOUR responsibility.

 

[JohnDB]

Most of my family sucks. They aren't great people. My dad now lives two blocks away and is the best of the lot.
I do most of his caregiving, what little he needs. My wife, his daughter-in-law, likes him and my dad absolutely worships her.

My dad, now under my partial care, loves having this huge big messy family around for holidays and birthdays. Even his birthday is celebrated. Cake and ice cream and presents.
He is literally vibrating with giddiness in his 87 year old skin. He lives independently two blocks away....but....
It's good to have my dad around. Even if he requires some assistance.

 

[seoulsearch]

I personally think these topics are very important to talk about, because more and more people are encountering them, but they don't get talked about in the church -- until it's too late.

Pastors will preach multiple sermons about forgiveness, but they aren't mapping out playbooks on what people can do when they're living and dealing with family members daily (such as new step-relatives) who show daily animosity towards them.

How many of us know of a second or third marriage that's broken up because the kids hated the new step-parent (or a myriad of other dynamics we're all seeing that never get talked about in church?)

I know there is a lot of talk about how churches are dying because people won't accept God's Word -- and that's true enough. But I also think, and have thought this since childhood, that churches aren't teaching or presenting God's Word in a way that makes it more accessible and practical to their every day lives.

Another sermon about forgiveness? Sure.

But how about a sermon series or life group classes tailored to people such as those whose step-children, step-siblings, or step-parents hate them, and screamingly remind them of that every day -- as they come home exhausted from working all day, just trying to cook dinner and carry on with everyday life.

 

[JohnDB]

I personally think these topics are very important to talk about, because more and more people are encountering them, but they don't get talked about in the church -- until it's too late.

Pastors will preach multiple sermons about forgiveness, but they aren't mapping out playbooks on what people can do when they're living and dealing with family members daily (such as new step-relatives) who show daily animosity towards them.

How many of us know of a second or third marriage that's broken up because the kids hated the new step-parent (or a myriad of other dynamics we're all seeing that never get talked about in church?)

I know there is a lot of talk about how churches are dying because people won't accept God's Word -- and that's true enough. But I also think, and have thought this since childhood, that churches aren't teaching or presenting God's Word in a way that makes it more accessible and practical to their every day lives.

Another sermon about forgiveness? Sure.

But how about a sermon series or life group classes tailored to people such as those whose step-children, step-siblings, or step-parents hate them, and screamingly remind them of that every day -- as they come home exhausted from working all day, just trying to cook dinner and carry on with everyday life.

That's what friend groups or Small Group Bible Studies are about.

We carry each other's burdens. We help with advice and support. Even if sometimes we don't like what they say. (The cuts of a friend are more sure than the kisses of an enemy).

The pulpit is not where these things should be addressed. (The pastor needs to keep his job with as few added headaches as possible) The pulpit is for preaching the Word.

My friend group at Church is capable of doing more to adjust my behavior and attitudes than a year's worth of sermons dreamed of doing.

 

[CarriePie]

Hey Everyone,

I've been thinking about this a lot lately. I know a ton of people married into/involved in blended family situations and are facing a whole host of challenges, but I NEVER hear this talked about in the church (at least, not in the circles I'm in.)

I'm at an age where, if I married, it would most likely be into a blended family situation (which I define as meaning that one or both people involved have kids and/or grandkids they are raising/supporting in some way from previous relationships.) Most people in my age category also have aging parents/step-parents and family members on top of that who need regular help with transportation, medication, and financial support.

And of course, if you get married, this usually means you will have at least two families who will all have members needing support. My married friends regularly talk about the challenges of taking care of two sets of parents, along with any kids, siblings, nieces and nephews, grandkids, etc. It gets even more complicated because so many people these days also have step-family members they also look after.

I grew up in a relatively small nuclear family, so the very thought of having to juggle so many people makes my brain spin, though I've gotten a taste of this in past relationships.

I also realize that many people, especially those who married young, didn't go into their marriage thinking, "Ok, I can take on 10 other family members, max" -- because they obviously didn't know how many children they would have or what the future would be. But most people in this situation had time to adjust -- if they had 4 kids, they generally didn't all come at once, and the family had at least a little time to accommodate each new change. If the family grew and took on more members, such as their kids marrying and having their own kids, it was generally one or a few at a time, not all at once.

I had a time my life when I was starkly faced with becoming an instant caretaker of a grown adult who couldn't care for himself, and a near-single parent to two toddlers all at once. It resulted in me literally physically crying out to God every day, because I didn't know how to handle it.

And so one of the things I ask myself is, if I were to marry at this stage in the game, how many people can I realistically serve at one time? Because marriage itself is about serving, and at this point in life, it's probably going to mean serving multiple people all at once. (For instance, two sets of aging parents, at the very least.)

One of the things I've learned about myself is that I do much better serving fewer people hopefully well rather than trying to serve many people and failing, or at best, doing just a so-so, mediocre job at serving any of them. I grew up in a small family, in small towns, and went to small schools until my later academic years, and so smaller numbers is just what I'm more comfortable with.

I prefer this in work and ministry as well. I don't like mega ministries, and if I can choose where I serve, I'll always choose leaders who are serving smaller groups rather than those who want to reach the masses. I admire anyone who wants to reach as many people as they can, of course, but when it comes to hands-on serving, the smaller, more personal groups is where you're going to find me.

And while of course it's all up to God, I have to admit that if I were in a dating/looking at marriage situation that meant I would immediately be thrown into the service of several people all at once, I would be more than a bit apprehensive.

How about you? (I realize these issues might not apply for our younger friends here, but the reality seems to be that it's more and more likely that many will be marrying into blended families that are going to stretch your time, availability, and resources.)

* Did you grow up in a small, medium, or large family? Would you prefer to marry into a family that's a similar or different size than your own, and why?

* Do you feel you'd be intimidated marrying into a family where you would immediately be caring for children, grandchildren, in-laws, or all of the above? Why or why not?

* How many people do you realistically think you can serve with your time and abilities?

* How many people do you realistically think you can serve with your finances?

* Do limitations on how many people you can serve keep you from dating or marrying? Why or why not?


I realize this is a topic, like most, in which there are no absolute answers. Different people will be equipped to handle things differently.

But I often wonder how many people may have rushed into some situations, not really thinking about how much service it would take and what they were capable of -- and now regret it.

For me, the possibility of getting married isn't just about finding someone to spend the rest of my life with -- it's finding the right person, and the right situation, which God knows I'll be hopefully be able to serve to the best of the abilities He gives me.

How about you?

I would love to hear other's thoughts about this.

When I was 13, I went to stay with my grandparents to help my grandfather who had been in the hospital for serious surgery and needed someone with him at all times. My grandmother had to work. I was off for holiday break. I continued to stay and help when I went back to school. Later, while I was still a teen, I moved in with my father. I went to work to support him/us as he had become unable to work. I helped my father for a good portion of my life up until he passed away. At the end, it was exhausting. Would I do it again? Absolutely. I'd help him for the next half of my life or for another lifetime or lifetimes. Now my father is gone and I'm helping another loved one. I don't approach this with, "Ugh, why do I have to help someone?" I approach it with, "I get to help them. This is love. This is the Lord's will." and I seek His guidance and strength to carry on. I ask the Lord often to guide me to His will and not let me be guided towards my own will or the will of someone else.

Helping multiple people would probably be way too draining for me. I started helping my family when I was young and now I feel like I need a lot of peacefulness to recharge.
There have been times when I've been at the breaking point, especially in those exhausting final days of dad's life. I don't believe it was me at all that carried on, but the Lord carried on for me. I was guided to Galatians 6:9 and multiple times Isaiah 41:10 appeared here and there. This pushed me ahead to continue on. The Lord knows what is best for each of us. One He guides to do His will in a different way than He guides another.

All my close family are gone now. I have two close loved ones that I love dearly. I don't have offspring and neither of them have offspring. I really think that for some of us, being single and without offspring is the Lord's will. Me being single and without offspring has been as much or more of a help to those I've helped/am helping than to me myself. Neither of my parents wanted grandkids and they were both partial to me being single (though they didn't pressure me one way or another). I valued their advice.

I read scriptures every morning and recently, I read a scripture that stood out to me. I've read the Bible all the way through a number of times and it's joyful to me that these wonderful gifts pop out at me still from time to time. Anyway, the scripture was Psalm 68:6, which talks about how God gives the solitary a family. Maybe this hit me more now, because all my close family are gone. Earlier this year, a friend died who was the sister of my best friend (they both called me sister). At her funeral, my best friend stood up when all were asked if they wanted to say anything and she said, "Carrie is a part of our family now." I feel that is the case with both her and my closest loved one. They are my family now. They are my two closest loved ones. God setteth the solitary in a family, as the Psalm said.

 

[seoulsearch]

That's what friend groups or Small Group Bible Studies are about.

We carry each other's burdens. We help with advice and support. Even if sometimes we don't like what they say. (The cuts of a friend are more sure than the kisses of an enemy).

The pulpit is not where these things should be addressed. (The pastor needs to keep his job with as few added headaches as possible) The pulpit is for preaching the Word.

My friend group at Church is capable of doing more to adjust my behavior and attitudes than a year's worth of sermons dreamed of doing.

I truly wish I'd had the experience of being in churches with such Friend Groups (and of the ones I've known of were just for marrieds. I don't know if singles were allowed; I would have been interested in joining to learn more about family dynamics.)

In churches with Singles Groups, the cutoff age was usually late 20's. I've never had the privilege of being in a church that offered anything for older singles.

The ones I've been in just have more Bible studies...

Nothing much about real life, unless it's Divorce Care or Addiction Support groups.

 

[seoulsearch]

I read scriptures every morning and recently, I read a scripture that stood out to me. I've read the Bible all the way through a number of times and it's joyful to me that these wonderful gifts pop out at me still from time to time. Anyway, the scripture was Psalm 68:6, which talks about how God gives the solitary a family. Maybe this hit me more now, because all my close family are gone. Earlier this year, a friend died who was the sister of my best friend (they both called me sister). At her funeral, my best friend stood up when all were asked if they wanted to say anything and she said, "Carrie is a part of our family now." I feel that is the case with both her and my closest loved one. They are my family now. They are my two closest loved ones. God setteth the solitary in a family, as the Psalm said.

Thank you for sharing this beautiful account with us, Carrie. I wish I had a heart more like you.

I was nodding my head right along when you said that you need a lot of peacefulness to recharge. When my Grandma was on her final stretch towards heaven, I was staying at the hospital with her and knew I needed A MOMENT. I couldn't just go to another part of the hospital; I had to go HOME. So I drove an hour home, just to sit in the silence of my own familiar space to cry and pray for probably not even an hour, then drove the hour back. I don't know why, but I just HAD to.

And because of this, I've become very protective of my own space. It's essential to me. Even if I married, I know I'd need my own space to recharge, even if it's just a closet -- just something of my own, where only I go.

The last paragraph of your post hit me the most. How wonderful of the people you've loved so faithfully to include you into their fold!! This reminded me of one of my favorite Bible passages. It occurs during the time when the Israelites were slaves in Egypt, and the Pharaoh declared that all Hebrew baby boys were to be thrown into the river.

But the midwives refused to obey, as they were in awe of God rather than men.

And then comes the part that always gives me chills: "Because the midwives feared God, He gave them families of their own." (Exodus 1:17-21)

Seeing as my own adoption is such a big part of life and identity, I know all too well that God provides families in many other ways other than just through physical birth.

Your story was quite fitting because I feel that God has been telling me I'm at a time in my life where it's time to start "spiritually reproducing." Just as God gave Timothy to Paul as a son, I know God has sent some very special friends of all ages my way to look after (even though I get a bit fierce about it!)

Thank you so much for sharing the very special making of your own beloved, specially knitted-together-by-God family.

 

[JohnDB]

I truly wish I'd had the experience of being in churches with such Friend Groups (and of the ones I've known of were just for marrieds. I don't know if singles were allowed; I would have been interested in joining to learn more about family dynamics.)

In churches with Singles Groups, the cutoff age was usually late 20's. I've never had the privilege of being in a church that offered anything for older singles.

The ones I've been in just have more Bible studies...

Nothing much about real life, unless it's Divorce Care or Addiction Support groups.

Usually it's in larger churches that such groups exist.

I've seen, and been in, singles groups for 30+ and others for 40+ and 50+.

My current life group leader also hosts a College & Career group on Thursdays. Although none of them are in college except for the local college instructor....but she isn't a student.

Our 55+ group of married has a single guy in it. I was rooting for him when he had a date (who stood him up). He was there today. We have become friends. He's a little younger than me but it don't matter.

I WAS once in a singles group that practically evaporated overnight when everyone but a couple of people got married. It WAS a large group. Then everyone suddenly got married. (Only two to each other) The group leader and his wife quit a couple of months later....said it was too boring anymore especially because I wasn't there to annoy him.
My wife and I had to join the married class.

 

[seoulsearch]

Usually it's in larger churches that such groups exist.

I've seen, and been in, singles groups for 30+ and others for 40+ and 50+.

My current life group leader also hosts a College & Career group on Thursdays. Although none of them are in college except for the local college instructor....but she isn't a student.

Our 55+ group of married has a single guy in it. I was rooting for him when he had a date (who stood him up). He was there today. We have become friends. He's a little younger than me but it don't matter.

I WAS once in a singles group that practically evaporated overnight when everyone but a couple of people got married. It WAS a large group. Then everyone suddenly got married. (Only two to each other) The group leader and his wife quit a couple of months later....said it was too boring anymore especially because I wasn't there to annoy him.
My wife and I had to join the married class.

One of the things I've learned during my time on CC is how very different some people's experiences with churches have been, often just because of the size of the church. I can only speak from what I know, which, compared to other's exposure, obviously isn't very much.

And seeing as I was raised in small churches, it's what I tend to gravitate towards, and will probably miss out on a lot of opportunities because of it.

I've been to a few of the bigger churches in the area, but always felt like a salmon swimming upstream.

I've been feeling called to a small Lutheran church (as if going back to my childhood,) so it's unlikely I'll ever get exposure to such singles or life groups, unfortunately.

And they don't call the Lutheran church "Heaven's Gate" for nothing -- I like going to the 8 AM service, and I think the average age there must be at least 75.

But, I do feel I'm being called there for a reason, so we'll see what God has planned.

 

[CarriePie]

Thank you for sharing this beautiful account with us, Carrie. I wish I had a heart more like you.

I was nodding my head right along when you said that you need a lot of peacefulness to recharge. When my Grandma was on her final stretch towards heaven, I was staying at the hospital with her and knew I needed A MOMENT. I couldn't just go to another part of the hospital; I had to go HOME. So I drove an hour home, just to sit in the silence of my own familiar space to cry and pray for probably not even an hour, then drove the hour back. I don't know why, but I just HAD to.

And because of this, I've become very protective of my own space. It's essential to me. Even if I married, I know I'd need my own space to recharge, even if it's just a closet -- just something of my own, where only I go.

The last paragraph of your post hit me the most. How wonderful of the people you've loved so faithfully to include you into their fold!! This reminded me of one of my favorite Bible passages. It occurs during the time when the Israelites were slaves in Egypt, and the Pharaoh declared that all Hebrew baby boys were to be thrown into the river.

But the midwives refused to obey, as they were in awe of God rather than men.

And then comes the part that always gives me chills: "Because the midwives feared God, He gave them families of their own." (Exodus 1:17-21)

Seeing as my own adoption is such a big part of life and identity, I know all too well that God provides families in many other ways other than just through physical birth.

Your story was quite fitting because I feel that God has been telling me I'm at a time in my life where it's time to start "spiritually reproducing." Just as God gave Timothy to Paul as a son, I know God has sent some very special friends of all ages my way to look after (even though I get a bit fierce about it!)

Thank you so much for sharing the very special making of your own beloved, specially knitted-together-by-God family.

Having time to yourself in a place you are comfortable is an absolute must.

I feel the same way if I were married. Having my own space would be critical. Honestly, I'd just prefer my own room. This is probably another reason it's best that I remain as I am. If I were inclined towards marriage, I think I like having way more space to myself than any partner would probably agree to in a marriage. Yet, I'm also very affectionate in a relationship. I'm a conundrum lol.

Thank you for bringing up the midwives! That is such a great scripture! I think I will add this to my notes on Psalm 68.

Thank you for your uplifting response, which has been most smashing to read and also comforting!

Stay fierce!

 

[JohnDB]

One of the things I've learned during my time on CC is how very different some people's experiences with churches have been, often just because of the size of the church. I can only speak from what I know, which, compared to other's exposure, obviously isn't very much.

And seeing as I was raised in small churches, it's what I tend to gravitate towards, and will probably miss out on a lot of opportunities because of it.

I've been to a few of the bigger churches in the area, but always felt like a salmon swimming upstream.

I've been feeling called to a small Lutheran church (as if going back to my childhood,) so it's unlikely I'll ever get exposure to such singles or life groups, unfortunately.

And they don't call the Lutheran church "Heaven's Gate" for nothing -- I like going to the 8 AM service, and I think the average age there must be at least 75.

But, I do feel I'm being called there for a reason, so we'll see what God has planned.

That's perfectly fine.
In my area, ALL the churches have members that attend multiple churches due to some "ministry" or program is available at another church but not at their "home" church.

For Christmas we had a 7 church choir made up of members of 7 different churches.
There's various other projects too. Including a crisis pregnancy center, health clinic, counseling center and etc.

You don't have to stick with just attending one church only if another has a class or group you want to join in with. Few here in my area actually do.

Kinda been a modern thing to do. Especially for smaller churches.

I've joined in with other churches for mission trips when mine didn't have one going on.

Just a suggestion for getting what you said you wanted.

 

[Suze]

I never had children and didn't ever really want any . I don't think I would have been a good mum . When I get old and vulnerable there won't b any family members to help me but I don't mind , I'm not afraid to die and if I get very ill or very disabled I would probably welcome my physical death .
One thing I know for sure is that God is in charge and He does know everything and everyone , perfectly and from everlasting to everlasting . He cares for us , He provides for us and He puts us where He wants us to b . We should try not to have too many regrets about the past or too many fears for the future . Whatever happens to us , He is always with us and His love and mercy and strength will surround us for ever . Trust Him always . Rest in Christ and wait for his return .
My phrase for 2026 is : it's no big deal , God is with me .

 

[NightTwister]

Hey Everyone,

I've been thinking about this a lot lately. I know a ton of people married into/involved in blended family situations and are facing a whole host of challenges, but I NEVER hear this talked about in the church (at least, not in the circles I'm in.)

I'm at an age where, if I married, it would most likely be into a blended family situation (which I define as meaning that one or both people involved have kids and/or grandkids they are raising/supporting in some way from previous relationships.) Most people in my age category also have aging parents/step-parents and family members on top of that who need regular help with transportation, medication, and financial support.

And of course, if you get married, this usually means you will have at least two families who will all have members needing support. My married friends regularly talk about the challenges of taking care of two sets of parents, along with any kids, siblings, nieces and nephews, grandkids, etc. It gets even more complicated because so many people these days also have step-family members they also look after.

I grew up in a relatively small nuclear family, so the very thought of having to juggle so many people makes my brain spin, though I've gotten a taste of this in past relationships.

I also realize that many people, especially those who married young, didn't go into their marriage thinking, "Ok, I can take on 10 other family members, max" -- because they obviously didn't know how many children they would have or what the future would be. But most people in this situation had time to adjust -- if they had 4 kids, they generally didn't all come at once, and the family had at least a little time to accommodate each new change. If the family grew and took on more members, such as their kids marrying and having their own kids, it was generally one or a few at a time, not all at once.

I had a time my life when I was starkly faced with becoming an instant caretaker of a grown adult who couldn't care for himself, and a near-single parent to two toddlers all at once. It resulted in me literally physically crying out to God every day, because I didn't know how to handle it.

And so one of the things I ask myself is, if I were to marry at this stage in the game, how many people can I realistically serve at one time? Because marriage itself is about serving, and at this point in life, it's probably going to mean serving multiple people all at once. (For instance, two sets of aging parents, at the very least.)

One of the things I've learned about myself is that I do much better serving fewer people hopefully well rather than trying to serve many people and failing, or at best, doing just a so-so, mediocre job at serving any of them. I grew up in a small family, in small towns, and went to small schools until my later academic years, and so smaller numbers is just what I'm more comfortable with.

I prefer this in work and ministry as well. I don't like mega ministries, and if I can choose where I serve, I'll always choose leaders who are serving smaller groups rather than those who want to reach the masses. I admire anyone who wants to reach as many people as they can, of course, but when it comes to hands-on serving, the smaller, more personal groups is where you're going to find me.

And while of course it's all up to God, I have to admit that if I were in a dating/looking at marriage situation that meant I would immediately be thrown into the service of several people all at once, I would be more than a bit apprehensive.

How about you? (I realize these issues might not apply for our younger friends here, but the reality seems to be that it's more and more likely that many will be marrying into blended families that are going to stretch your time, availability, and resources.)

* Did you grow up in a small, medium, or large family? Would you prefer to marry into a family that's a similar or different size than your own, and why?

* Do you feel you'd be intimidated marrying into a family where you would immediately be caring for children, grandchildren, in-laws, or all of the above? Why or why not?

* How many people do you realistically think you can serve with your time and abilities?

* How many people do you realistically think you can serve with your finances?

* Do limitations on how many people you can serve keep you from dating or marrying? Why or why not?


I realize this is a topic, like most, in which there are no absolute answers. Different people will be equipped to handle things differently.

But I often wonder how many people may have rushed into some situations, not really thinking about how much service it would take and what they were capable of -- and now regret it.

For me, the possibility of getting married isn't just about finding someone to spend the rest of my life with -- it's finding the right person, and the right situation, which God knows I'll be hopefully be able to serve to the best of the abilities He gives me.

How about you?

I would love to hear other's thoughts about this.

It's complicated...