How High Should One's Sexual Wanting Be as a Motivator to Get Married?

[seoulsearch]

Hey Everyone,

A recent post about marriage being God's holy outlet for sexual expression had me thinking about this question.

This is the reply I made to that particular post:

"It's a funny thing.

This leads into the discussion of how high a person's motivation to marry is based on a desire/need/compulsion for sex and how high it should be when influencing them to seek or marry a spouse.

We all know the infamous passage that tells us it's better to marry than to burn with passion (1 Corinthians 7:9,) but on the flip side, there have been many, many people on the forum over the years (usually in the Family Forum) who admitted to marrying specifically in order to deal with/have an outlet for their passion -- and it never seems to work out well.

I can't think of a single brave soul out there in the time I've been here who stood up and said, "YES!!! I was burning with passion before my marriage, I found myself a most reliable and usable outlet, oops, I mean, er, spouse, and bingo! Now all my flames have been tended to! Hallelujah!"

I wonder if there are couples out there who have found this to be their reality? And if they would be brave and kind enough to tell us that it actually exists?

I'm certainly not saying that the Bible or God's Word is wrong.

I'm just saying, what are we missing in that why does it seem to go so horribly wrong for so many people who are just trying to follow what the Bible says?

There are a lot of people who married thinking that they were walking into God's holy sanctions for a proper sexual outlet, and have found themselves to be utterly miserable."

And so, my intrepid fellow CC'ers... What do YOU think?

* How high should sexual motivation be when seeking someone to marry? 20%? 40%? 99.99+1/2%?

I'm pretty sure very few people would want to be proposed with, 'Hey there, how about you taking up this once-in-a-lifetime offer to be my Ultimate Holy Sex Outlet, 'til death to us part!"

And if anyone out there would actually LIKE to hear someone to ask for their, uh, hand, in marriage this way, well kudos to them for being honest!

In the time I've been on this forum, I don't think I've ever seen a married person proclaim: "I'm here to tell all you poor single people: Marriage REALLY DOES satisfy ALL my sexual needs and curiosities, even far BEYOND my wildest dreams!!!"

Shoot. I'd love it if married couples actually WERE able to tell us this!!

But I understand that it's too personal for most to talk about. And if what they've really found is a harsh reality, I wish there were people who could be honest enough with us to just tell it to us like it is: "I'm telling all you singles out there, brace yourself to be disappointed, and here's why..."

I have to wonder if marriage is like any other form of customer service? The people who are happy with their service aren't usually the ones who speak up -- it's usually the ones are unhappy with their service and have things they would drastically like to change. And I'm certainly not shaming anyone for that.

Anyone who's read my posts for a while knows that the thing I'm always after is People's Realities vs. Obeying the Rules. Yes, we are to obey the rules -- I'm not even trying to argue that.

But what I want to know is, why does life often wind up being so challenging, or downright miserable, for so many who try their best to follow the rules?

And better yet, what can be done about it, if anything?

 

[TheIndianGirl]

I believe both spouses need to have the same level of sex drive, or else there could be issues in the marriage where one spouse feels having sex is more of an obligation/duty/hassle. When a spouse feels that way, the enjoyment is lessened.

Quality and frequency of sex could also mirror the quality of the couple's non-sexual lives. So, if a couple is not getting along otherwise, quality/frequency is diminished. To have a good sexual relationship, both spouses must be compatible (both sexually and non-sexually), have a strong marriage on all fronts, and offer sacrificial love. If there is an issue in the marriage like trust, however minor, other parts of the marriage suffer. Sometimes, one spouse may find that the other spouse is a horrible person, and all attraction is lost.

Marriage is hard work for most, possibly all, couples. Even seemingly happy couples could face periods where they are more distant. During these periods, their sex lives are lessened/more infrequent. Keeping sex "alive" in a marriage takes effort. Well, perhaps what is more relevant/on point here is that romance takes effort.

 

[TheIndianGirl]

I don't think sexual desire alone should be a motivation for marriage at all. That is going into marriage for the wrong reason.

 

[seoulsearch]

I believe both spouses need to have the same level of sex drive, or else there could be issues in the marriage where one spouse feels having sex is more of an obligation/duty/hassle. When a spouse feels that way, the enjoyment is lessened.

Quality and frequency of sex could also mirror the quality of the couple's non-sexual lives. So, if a couple is not getting along otherwise, quality/frequency is diminished. To have a good sexual relationship, both spouses must be compatible (both sexually and non-sexually), have a strong marriage on all fronts, and offer sacrificial love. If there is an issue in the marriage like trust, however minor, other parts of the marriage suffer. Sometimes, one spouse may find that the other spouse is a horrible person, and all attraction is lost.

Marriage is hard work for most, possibly all, couples. Even seemingly happy couples could face periods where they are more distant. During these periods, their sex lives are lessened/more infrequent. Keeping sex "alive" in a marriage takes effort. Well, perhaps what is more relevant/on point here is that romance takes effort.

I could be wrong about this, but the kicker is, a couple isn't going to find out if their drives/desires/frequency is compatible until AFTER they get married, and by then, it's "too late" if/when there are major problems.

For instance, I've read about people who have been sexually abused (and it's a sadly common occurrence these days,) and the person might believe they will be totally gung-ho about an active sex life with their spouse.

But then... They actually married... and find out that each time, they're reminded of the abuse. And they start to withdraw, blame their spouse, then resent and avoid them.

I've had a few discussions with men whose wives accused them of raping them each time, because every time they tried to be close to one another, it reminded her of past abuse, no matter how hard he tried to be loving.

So here you have a situation in which the wife sees her husband as an abuser, and the husband can't get close to his wife, or he is accused of being a sexual predator. Or the other way around, as it seems to be about as common for guys to be sexually abused as girls these days.

These are the kinds of stories I hear regularly.

And all the church can say is, "You have to have communication! You need to go to Christian pre-marital (and after marital) counseling! You need to be open and clear about your expectations BEFORE the marriage!"

That's all fine and dandy advice.

But it's just not cutting it for a good number of people who are suffering in situations such as this, and people aren't given permission to talk about such things openly without being condemned back into, "Just follow all the rules, do everything the church leaders tell you to do, and if it still doesn't work out, you obviously aren't trying or didn't try hard enough."

 

[Solemateleft]

Hey Everyone,

A recent post about marriage being God's holy outlet for sexual expression had me thinking about this question.

This is the reply I made to that particular post:

"It's a funny thing.

This leads into the discussion of how high a person's motivation to marry is based on a desire/need/compulsion for sex and how high it should be when influencing them to seek or marry a spouse.

We all know the infamous passage that tells us it's better to marry than to burn with passion (1 Corinthians 7:9,) but on the flip side, there have been many, many people on the forum over the years (usually in the Family Forum) who admitted to marrying specifically in order to deal with/have an outlet for their passion -- and it never seems to work out well.

I can't think of a single brave soul out there in the time I've been here who stood up and said, "YES!!! I was burning with passion before my marriage, I found myself a most reliable and usable outlet, oops, I mean, er, spouse, and bingo! Now all my flames have been tended to! Hallelujah!"

I wonder if there are couples out there who have found this to be their reality? And if they would be brave and kind enough to tell us that it actually exists?

I'm certainly not saying that the Bible or God's Word is wrong.

I'm just saying, what are we missing in that why does it seem to go so horribly wrong for so many people who are just trying to follow what the Bible says?

There are a lot of people who married thinking that they were walking into God's holy sanctions for a proper sexual outlet, and have found themselves to be utterly miserable."

And so, my intrepid fellow CC'ers... What do YOU think?

* How high should sexual motivation be when seeking someone to marry? 20%? 40%? 99.99+1/2%?

I'm pretty sure very few people would want to be proposed with, 'Hey there, how about you taking up this once-in-a-lifetime offer to be my Ultimate Holy Sex Outlet, 'til death to us part!"

And if anyone out there would actually LIKE to hear someone to ask for their, uh, hand, in marriage this way, well kudos to them for being honest!

In the time I've been on this forum, I don't think I've ever seen a married person proclaim: "I'm here to tell all you poor single people: Marriage REALLY DOES satisfy ALL my sexual needs and curiosities, even far BEYOND my wildest dreams!!!"

Shoot. I'd love it if married couples actually WERE able to tell us this!!

But I understand that it's too personal for most to talk about. And if what they've really found is a harsh reality, I wish there were people who could be honest enough with us to just tell it to us like it is: "I'm telling all you singles out there, brace yourself to be disappointed, and here's why..."

I have to wonder if marriage is like any other form of customer service? The people who are happy with their service aren't usually the ones who speak up -- it's usually the ones are unhappy with their service and have things they would drastically like to change. And I'm certainly not shaming anyone for that.

Anyone who's read my posts for a while knows that the thing I'm always after is People's Realities vs. Obeying the Rules. Yes, we are to obey the rules -- I'm not even trying to argue that.

But what I want to know is, why does life often wind up being so challenging, or downright miserable, for so many who try their best to follow the rules?

And better yet, what can be done about it, if anything?

Okay, I'll be the silly fool (oh are we calling it 'brave' haha) to own up to this fantastic line of questions... Again, timing and sequence of events are relative... As much to my chagrins I now find myself Single...

- Yes, when I was happily married for 26+ years I can honestly say that our Marital Intimacy completely satisfied ALL of my sexual needs and curiosities - consistent with my wildest dreams... Albeit, in hindsight when life got busy maybe we didn't have enough date-nights; weekend getaways or anniversary vacations to fulfill all of her needs during that phase...

- As far as the term 'Motivation' - ya that is a Horse of a Different Color.... That should NOT be the basis for such decision making...
Break, Break... Many professionals in this field of expertise I believe agree that Marital Intimacy is VERY IMPORTANT for a lasting, loving, committed and faithful marriage...

- I also believe that Personality Types provide a contributing factor to your 'Motivation' inquiry... As with all of us who have been blessed (or is it a curse) to have the Love Language of 'Touch' - and are inherently affectionate - striving to make good decisions in this regard can be quite challenging...

- Proud to share that I have been celibate for over 4.5 years... In my case the secret to my success (to prevent allowing the desire for intimacy to control my decision making processes) is a whole lot of prayer and an actual game plan to strive to keep myself busy, productive and committed to strive to be the best version of myself in pursuit of fulfilling my life's purpose... Accepting, that HIS Will and HIS timing will provide the basis for me to know when and who I am intended to spend the rest of my life with...

 

[RodB651]

You really do have to be up front about expectations before you say " I do! ".. You need to have that conversation!
It's not the only conversation you need to have, but you need to have it.

 

[BenFTW]

1 Corinthians 7:5 New International Version
5 Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

Can I just leave this here and not say anything? 😄 I almost wanted to start a thread a long time ago when the aforementioned topic (the OP references) was made.

This verse is peculiar, and I don’t mean to hijack the thread Seoul (I will tie it into the topic you made), but could a case be made by this verse that sex is supposed to be happening on a regular consistent basis between a husband and wife? That’s a given. Right? So it is clearly important within the marriage covenant to be faithful and committed to each other in the bedroom. It really isn’t meant to be a “rare occurrence.”

But back to the OP, I agree with Solemate, that one shouldn’t pursue marriage for the express intention of sleeping with an individual because marriage is so much more. Especially considering the outcome of such relations; that is, family. Your wife is not an outlet (oh gosh, this analogy is too accurate 😂) that you just plug 🔌 in and out of so to speak and get what you need. She is a person you give yourself wholly to, like Christ did the church.

Becoming one, happens in the marriage bed, but staying one is a result of unity. Focusing on the Lord and family. Being at peace. And yes, marital intimacy. You have to be equally yoked. People say marriage takes work but what it takes is grace. Being understanding and walking in love, because what never shall fail? Love. Love lasts. So give love.

As it pertains to the topic at hand, you should find someone you can love. Not for a moment, not for a time. But always. Even on an off day, you can, in love, offer them grace. You may love a person but dislike something they have done, but you still can love them to the degree that you don’t hold it against them. All in all, put God first and choose love. And make babies. LOL 😂 🤪

 

[BenFTW]

I don't think sexual desire alone should be a motivation for marriage at all. That is going into marriage for the wrong reason.

That’s like going into a marriage because you want a personal chef. 😆 There is so much more to marriage, and if it’s all about you and what you can get out of it, instead of what you two can build together, you should reevaluate your desire for marriage. You are both bringing things to the table, hopefully (and importantly) with the same vision, and it’s permissible to have expectations but let them be known.

 

[tourist]

I don't think sexual desire alone should be a motivation for marriage at all. That is going into marriage for the wrong reason.

Speaking from the experience of my horrible first marriage I fully agree with your conclusion.

 

[Lanolin]

marriage is generally only allowed with just one person, say if someone has a very high amount of 'wanting' that is not going to be enough they will probably want MORE than that...and their partner may or may not want them as well. Or even at the same time.

so in that sense that will not solve anything as it may leads to adultery if they are not ALREADY fornicating.

If you fornicated before and then thinking of marrying (maybe not that person but someone else) put it to God or at least tell someone about it because if we confess our sins HE is just and faithful to forgive our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.

You will need to go the doctor anyway if you played around because anyone can catch STDS. And if you were molested you actually DO need to tell someone, the police or whoever cos its actually a crime.

viruses and such like do spread though saliva, bodily fluids and blood. when you have sex with someone you actually have intimate contact with them. Its not just all in your mind...its flesh contact.

 

[Lanolin]

I dont know when people grew up here as we are all different ages but in the 90s when I was a teen we were very aware about the risks of 'unsafe sex' it wasnt just pregnancy it was things like HIV AIDS.

and syphilis, gonnoreha, herpes and chlamydia also havent gone away. This is even on top of all the emotions one goes through or even 'highs' that happen when people have sex. And it can lead to addictions, plus people HURTING each other when they touch each other in sensitive places.

 

[TheIndianGirl]

I could be wrong about this, but the kicker is, a couple isn't going to find out if their drives/desires/frequency is compatible until AFTER they get married, and by then, it's "too late" if/when there are major problems.

For instance, I've read about people who have been sexually abused (and it's a sadly common occurrence these days,) and the person might believe they will be totally gung-ho about an active sex life with their spouse.

But then... They actually married... and find out that each time, they're reminded of the abuse. And they start to withdraw, blame their spouse, then resent and avoid them.

I've had a few discussions with men whose wives accused them of raping them each time, because every time they tried to be close to one another, it reminded her of past abuse, no matter how hard he tried to be loving.

So here you have a situation in which the wife sees her husband as an abuser, and the husband can't get close to his wife, or he is accused of being a sexual predator. Or the other way around, as it seems to be about as common for guys to be sexually abused as girls these days.

These are the kinds of stories I hear regularly.

And all the church can say is, "You have to have communication! You need to go to Christian pre-marital (and after marital) counseling! You need to be open and clear about your expectations BEFORE the marriage!"

That's all fine and dandy advice.

But it's just not cutting it for a good number of people who are suffering in situations such as this, and people aren't given permission to talk about such things openly without being condemned back into, "Just follow all the rules, do everything the church leaders tell you to do, and if it still doesn't work out, you obviously aren't trying or didn't try hard enough."

That's true, the couple isn't going to find out about their desires and sexual compatibility until after marriage. It may be easier for virgins than non-virgins though since they don't have any comparisons. I think before marriage, couple can discuss kind of gage their level of sexual interest, expectations, and how open they are to things (such as wearing lingerie, etc.). If they had bad experiences in the past, they should try to be open so the other person can know how to handle his/her trauma and also perhaps modify expectations on sex.

 

[Hungry]

Hey Everyone,

A recent post about marriage being God's holy outlet for sexual expression had me thinking about this question.

This is the reply I made to that particular post:

"It's a funny thing.

This leads into the discussion of how high a person's motivation to marry is based on a desire/need/compulsion for sex and how high it should be when influencing them to seek or marry a spouse.

We all know the infamous passage that tells us it's better to marry than to burn with passion (1 Corinthians 7:9,) but on the flip side, there have been many, many people on the forum over the years (usually in the Family Forum) who admitted to marrying specifically in order to deal with/have an outlet for their passion -- and it never seems to work out well.

I can't think of a single brave soul out there in the time I've been here who stood up and said, "YES!!! I was burning with passion before my marriage, I found myself a most reliable and usable outlet, oops, I mean, er, spouse, and bingo! Now all my flames have been tended to! Hallelujah!"

I wonder if there are couples out there who have found this to be their reality? And if they would be brave and kind enough to tell us that it actually exists?

I'm certainly not saying that the Bible or God's Word is wrong.

I'm just saying, what are we missing in that why does it seem to go so horribly wrong for so many people who are just trying to follow what the Bible says?

There are a lot of people who married thinking that they were walking into God's holy sanctions for a proper sexual outlet, and have found themselves to be utterly miserable."

And so, my intrepid fellow CC'ers... What do YOU think?

* How high should sexual motivation be when seeking someone to marry? 20%? 40%? 99.99+1/2%?

I'm pretty sure very few people would want to be proposed with, 'Hey there, how about you taking up this once-in-a-lifetime offer to be my Ultimate Holy Sex Outlet, 'til death to us part!"

And if anyone out there would actually LIKE to hear someone to ask for their, uh, hand, in marriage this way, well kudos to them for being honest!

In the time I've been on this forum, I don't think I've ever seen a married person proclaim: "I'm here to tell all you poor single people: Marriage REALLY DOES satisfy ALL my sexual needs and curiosities, even far BEYOND my wildest dreams!!!"

Shoot. I'd love it if married couples actually WERE able to tell us this!!

But I understand that it's too personal for most to talk about. And if what they've really found is a harsh reality, I wish there were people who could be honest enough with us to just tell it to us like it is: "I'm telling all you singles out there, brace yourself to be disappointed, and here's why..."

I have to wonder if marriage is like any other form of customer service? The people who are happy with their service aren't usually the ones who speak up -- it's usually the ones are unhappy with their service and have things they would drastically like to change. And I'm certainly not shaming anyone for that.

Anyone who's read my posts for a while knows that the thing I'm always after is People's Realities vs. Obeying the Rules. Yes, we are to obey the rules -- I'm not even trying to argue that.

But what I want to know is, why does life often wind up being so challenging, or downright miserable, for so many who try their best to follow the rules?

And better yet, what can be done about it, if anything?

Sex pushes different emotional buttons for different people. Orgasm is a release for most. It dumps a dose of serotonin and dopamine into the brain. Aside from that it carries emotional weight that we apply to it. It makes us feel desirable and “loved” if that’s what we think it means. Many are programmed from a young age that it is a gift we give to the one we love. Modern shows and music program the youth to thinking it is entertainment and meaningless conquest. So, my point, sex is all of this. It is a catalyst. If a dude just wants release and is using a spouse as a masterbatory devise and she thinks it is some soul unifying event, then good luck! She is being used and will know it, and become bitter. If the passion you “burn with” is for a serotonin burst then masterbation is cheaper than divorce. If you are a woman whose desires are often biological to procreate then choose wisely. Don’t false advertise! If you present yourself like candy, some tasty treat to tantalize some dude into marriage then that’s what he’s expecting, for life. You can’t lure him in then cut him off and expect a happy marriage. If his attraction to you was “low hanging fruit” you can’t expect him to climb the highest limbs to get a taste a few years down the road. If he is a harvester of low hanging fruit he will seek fruit from another tree eventually.

 

[Lynx]

"Marrying to get sex is like buying an airline to get the free packs of peanuts."

All I know is, if I did find a girl who would marry me just for the sex, I sure wouldn't want her. I hear that kinda fades away as you get older, so she'd probably divorce me when I was too old to find another wife.

 

[cinder]

It would be interesting to get a non-religious perspective on why marry, since anymore it's pretty much an exclusively religious perspective that you should get married before having sex.

When the topic of getting married so you can have sex comes up I always remember the story about how in one of those super strict muslim countries where you can be arrested and imprisoned or worse for having sex outside of marriage, young people (who were intersted in doing so, it was not all young people by any means) would legally get married for an afternoon with the intention of getting divorced the next day so they could have a one night stand without the legal dangers. If we consider that immoral and not in line with God's design (and I think most of us would) then we really need to think and talk about what makes a marriage a marriage. Because marriage and sex have never in practice been as exclusively linked to each other as they are in the Christian (and religious) mind. So trying to get God's approval of your own lust and desire for sex by getting married, isn't what marriage is about.

But there is a proper expectation that the marital union will include sex, and it's a pretty legitimate point that what you may honestly think you'll be okay with in thinking about a thing ends up being something you can go through with when it's time to actually do it. So what's a husband to do when his wife's trauma means that she suffers every time he tries to have sex with her? What's a wife to do if she thought she'd enjoy sex with the right man when it was time, but she's just self conscious and despite how willing he is to accommodate her discomfort and take it slow, she just keeps wishing they never had to have sex again? And what's the good newlywed Christian to do when they find they've got years of bad church teaching about don't give in to sexual feelings, don't look at anyone with lust or desire, etc playing through their head everytime they want to be with their partner and so what's supposed to be this wonderful connection is guilt inducing and rather confusing and stressful? And then of course there's always the possibility that due to illness, injury, etc your spouse will become incapable of having sex at some point down the line. And I think that the more we focus on the sex aspect as the key to marriage; the more difficult these issues become because we create a culture where sex is for marriage and marriage is for sex rather than sex is one of the tools we have to keep our connections and bonds strong in marriage.

 

[Lanolin]

well it would be weird to marry someone and go to sleep together in the same bed, and then expect them to not to touch you.

on the wifes part she could say oh I have a headache or my period or whatever
but the husband cant do anything about that he just has to learn self control. if sex was the whole reason they got married what does the guy do when his daughters come of age...have sex with them? Or mothers with sons.

you see if sex is the whole reason, you will probably end up with a very incestuous, inbred family.

 

[Lanolin]

interestingly...Mary was not yet married when she conceived Jesus.
But sex was not the reason why Joseph was told to marry Mary. (by the angels!) they did have children together after Jesus but they did not know each other before that.

In the Bible marriage is to know each other. If its just sex its just lying with each other. (people do call it this..'getting laid' is not the same as knowing one another)

but it can be just a carnal thing if you approach it in a carnal way. Which most people do, cos they havent learned to CRUCIFY their lusts of the flesh. well they will find out eventually when the babies come as they are bloody hard labour. lol

 

[Lynx]

I personally and reflexively object to the "marry to justify sex" notion, because it puts sex on a pedestal as something a person must have for a complete life. I have never observed it being either necessary or promised. Many people have gone their whole lives without it. Why would a person have to get married just to have it? Why is it so important to get?

"Marry to justify sex" only works if we assume humans are hormone driven robots who have no free will.

 

[christian74]

Didn't read much of it (suffering from severe short attention span these days so please excuse me posting) and got some random thoughts to share:

1. If sex is the only reason he wants to get married (I assume it's he), then at least I will give some credit for doing so. Premarital sex is assumed in non-Christian world (also for some Christians as well), and there are ways you can deal with it without getting married - but choosing to marry so you can take care of that aspect in biblical way is somewhat, at least, "commendable" without getting into any debate on whether that's good/bad. Don't believe there are many Christian single men out there committed enough to take that route.

2. Not sure how realistic having "sex talk" before marriage is. Just looking at it from my point of view, not sure if I can bring that up before getting married. "So.. how often do you think we should fulfill our marital duty so we can be fruitful, multiply, and filled the place we will be living in together?" And if she does ask me, let's say 1 to 10, answering with low number could give wrong impressoin (he's not "heatlhy" enough or am I not hot for you?), high number (again, wrong impression, if this guy wants me only because he has high drive? Or you being honest and say 15, that could potentially break the relationship), and you are left with giving something "reasonable" like 6 or 7. Just a thought. Again, don't think I'll have this talk if it comes to marriage.

3. Lastly, I think it shouldn't be too complicated. Don't really think there are guys out there looking for marriage just so they can take care of their desire/lust in biblical way. You meet someone you like, fall in love enough to contemplate/plan marriage eventually, and the whole sex thing should just come naturally in the context of loving/respecting/being considerate toward each other.

 

[BenFTW]

well it would be weird to marry someone and go to sleep together in the same bed, and then expect them to not to touch you.

on the wifes part she could say oh I have a headache or my period or whatever
but the husband cant do anything about that he just has to learn self control. if sex was the whole reason they got married what does the guy do when his daughters come of age...have sex with them? Or mothers with sons.

you see if sex is the whole reason, you will probably end up with a very incestuous, inbred family.

What did I just read? 🤔

The result of a spouse not being faithful in the marriage bed can be unfaithfulness (it’s a risk, scripture itself says so). Part of marriage is intimacy, and if the man isn’t getting it from his wife (that’s an ugly way to put it, forgive me), what can he do? Practice celibacy? No, he got married because, in part, he was not gifted with the gift of celibacy (as scripture also says).

Of course we know adultery is not justified, it is sin. However, consider cause and effect. There are repercussions to our actions or lack thereof. There has to be within the confines of the covenant of marriage a clause pertaining to intimacy. Self control is not complete abstinence. Self control does not imply celibacy. It is suggested to be used for short periods of time to pray and seek the Lord. That’s it, not to be in a life long covenant where a spouse is not sharing in the marriage bed. That isn’t self control, that’s abstinence.

But this goes back to @seoulsearch and how much of a motivator is intercourse when it comes to marriage? If intercourse is an expectation, you better be with someone that has a good sex drive. That intercourse is something on their mind. That they, as scripture says, burn with desire, lol. Not someone who is, let’s say, asexual.

It goes back to being equally yoked.