How can you talk to someone about issues between you, like a parent or a spouse, who you know has no issue lying to you?

[Tararose]

I wondered how people cope with this, say a child whose parent\s, or a man or woman whose spouse, lie to them all the time, and only admit it or say sorry on the occasions you can prove you caught them out. Like the repentance is at that level, oh sorry, I wont do it again. So you have to forgive them every time you confront them, even if there is no evidence of repentance or change in behaviour after. They profess to be a believer, and other behaviours would back them up, except this area. And, you cant go to a minister and say they dont "repent", and you cant take another witness and confront them etc. because they will admit it and will appear remorseful and repentant when confronted each and every time.

How can you even maintain any sort of relationship with such a person, when you know that in any conversation or discussion, the chances are that they will be making things up, just agreeing with you even if they don't agree really, and wont do what they said they would etc., and they will just say what they think you want to hear, or what make them look good, or will get them out of trouble, regardless of the truth.

I personally would not hang around people like that as friends, but consider them as lost souls and pray for them. But if its your parent that you live with and have to converse with, or a spouse you have to "be one" with, what do you do? You can't walk out on a parent unless y ou are an adult with someplace to go, and you can't divorce or separate someone for lying, unless its about committing adultery. But you can't stand to talk to them, respond to them, or ask them anything, because they are so fake and false in your eyes, its a total disrespect to you and a waste of time because you have no assurance what comes out of their mouth is the truth at any given time.

 

[ResidentAlien]

There was a lot of abuse in my family when I was growing up. After I became an adult I confronted my parents on some of it and they just denied it ever happened, unbelievable. I was there, I'd know if it happened or not. lol Nearly impossible to have any kind of meaningful relationship with someone who can't be honest.

 

[2ndTimeIsTheCharm]

I have parents like that. I'm so glad I have a relationship with the whole Trinity who loves truth and won't ever lie: God the Father, the Lord Jesus and the Holy Spirit, because if I only had my parents, I'd probably suicide a long time ago. So if they're gaslighting you again, take comfort in the fact that God is your witness and saw what you saw and that sooner or later, if the liar keeps lying to you, God will call them to account.

God will also heal your relationships or tell you to stay away from them, so follow the instruction the Lord has about each case. In my case, God just told me most of the time to not confront them about something because they'll just deny it and will NEVER admit to it. But rather to give the pain and conflict to Him, God the Father - He will comfort you and deal with the situation with the liars Himself. Just be patient and not even let it occupy your thoughts but to fill your mind with good thoughts like the Bible says to do.

❧

 

[Tararose]

There was a lot of abuse in my family when I was growing up. After I became an adult I confronted my parents on some of it and they just denied it ever happened, unbelievable. I was there, I'd know if it happened or not. lol Nearly impossible to have any kind of meaningful relationship with someone who can't be honest.

Thank you for sharing. I am really sorry to hear that your childhood and that of 2ndtimeisacharm's were full of such painful experiences. I agree, it is almost impossible as far as I can see. To remove yourself if -or as soon as- it was feasibly possible, from that environment would be the wisest thing to do.

It seems to be something the responders have encountered more with parents rather than spouses from the few comments so far.

I wonder how this biblically works with a christian married to a professing christian spouse who is dishonest, of you don't feel you have biblical grounds to separate/divorce.

 

[Lanolin]

I think if its a parent or spouse, its just learning 'detachment' as they say in AA.

The person is a liar, so you take no notice of anything that comes out of their mouth. You focus on God instead, who will eventually deliver you from this evil somehow, even if you still have to live with them.

I think what happened with Abigail and her husband might be one case in the Bible where she was set free from a horrible spouse.

 

[ResidentAlien]

I wonder how this biblically works with a christian married to a professing christian spouse who is dishonest, of you don't feel you have biblical grounds to separate/divorce.

That's a tough one. I've never been married so I don't really know.

 

[Magenta]

What is it they are sorry for? Disappointing you? Not living up to your expectations of them?

 

[Shikina]

I wondered how people cope with this, say a child whose parent\s, or a man or woman whose spouse, lie to them all the time, and only admit it or say sorry on the occasions you can prove you caught them out. Like the repentance is at that level, oh sorry, I wont do it again. So you have to forgive them every time you confront them, even if there is no evidence of repentance or change in behaviour after. They profess to be a believer, and other behaviours would back them up, except this area. And, you cant go to a minister and say they dont "repent", and you cant take another witness and confront them etc. because they will admit it and will appear remorseful and repentant when confronted each and every time.

How can you even maintain any sort of relationship with such a person, when you know that in any conversation or discussion, the chances are that they will be making things up, just agreeing with you even if they don't agree really, and wont do what they said they would etc., and they will just say what they think you want to hear, or what make them look good, or will get them out of trouble, regardless of the truth.

I personally would not hang around people like that as friends, but consider them as lost souls and pray for them. But if its your parent that you live with and have to converse with, or a spouse you have to "be one" with, what do you do? You can't walk out on a parent unless y ou are an adult with someplace to go, and you can't divorce or separate someone for lying, unless its about committing adultery. But you can't stand to talk to them, respond to them, or ask them anything, because they are so fake and false in your eyes, its a total disrespect to you and a waste of time because you have no assurance what comes out of their mouth is the truth at any given time.[/QUOTE

 

[Shikina]

I deal with it everyday. The Word tells us to be unequally yoked with an unbelievers. It’s apparent they have been given over to a reprobate mind set. Christ tells us to pick up your cross and follow Him...to lay our burdens down at His feet. God is not the author of confusion.
I would definitely find council in The Lord and pray for discernment. Pray that God turns them to righteousness. I have said many times....wether it be a very close friend, spouse, grown children....I thought I knew them...but decades later find I don’t! You can only confront them so many times until you realize they are of a reprobate mind set. You can ask God to humble them as love and forgiveness but you are not in control. You can’t change them...only The Will of God.
My father is of this nature....and many prayer...trial and error has directed me to love and honor...a commandment...not a suggestion...but knowing that he may never change.... I have to except the fact that I love them, I care for their wellbeing....and for their eternal salvation...but know that the relationship will be limited as long as they continue this behavior. Impress on them to find Jesus....tell them you love and care for the...that you will pray for them. But understand you must lay down limitations on the depth of that relationship. We all fall short but as believers we must have compassion.
It’s tough when it’s a spouse as God hates divorce....so you may resort to separation and not divorce. And it may be that way till the end...but God knows your heart and your true intentions...that you won’t give up on love and prayer for them.
This world is facing a decision...of good and evil and you have been directed in your heart to make the right choice. God, not you will refine that person by his grace to either walk the narrow path or the wide path. God bless you!!!

 

[Magenta]

The Word tells us to be unequally yoked with an unbelievers.

The Word tells us NOT to be unequally yoked with an unbeliever.

You have time to edit. .

Well, you did. Time is up now.

 

[Shikina]

The Word tells us NOT to be unequally yoked with an unbeliever.

You have time to edit. .

Well, you did. Time is up now.

My mistake...yes your right....Not to be unequally yoked. R.A. In my hands...lol

 

[Shikina]

I deal with it everyday. The Word tells us to be unequally yoked with an unbelievers. It’s apparent they have been given over to a reprobate mind set. Christ tells us to pick up your cross and follow Him...to lay our burdens down at His feet. God is not the author of confusion.
I would definitely find council in The Lord and pray for discernment. Pray that God turns them to righteousness. I have said many times....wether it be a very close friend, spouse, grown children....I thought I knew them...but decades later find I don’t! You can only confront them so many times until you realize they are of a reprobate mind set. You can ask God to humble them as love and forgiveness but you are not in control. You can’t change them...only The Will of God.
My father is of this nature....and many prayer...trial and error has directed me to love and honor...a commandment...not a suggestion...but knowing that he may never change.... I have to except the fact that I love them, I care for their wellbeing....and for their eternal salvation...but know that the relationship will be limited as long as they continue this behavior. Impress on them to find Jesus....tell them you love and care for the...that you will pray for them. But understand you must lay down limitations on the depth of that relationship. We all fall short but as believers we must have compassion.
It’s tough when it’s a spouse as God hates divorce....so you may resort to separation and not divorce. And it may be that way till the end...but God knows your heart and your true intentions...that you won’t give up on love and prayer for them.
This world is facing a decision...of good and evil and you have been directed in your heart to make the right choice. God, not you will refine that person by his grace to either walk the narrow path or the wide path. God bless you!!!

 

[Shikina]

Tararose....it’s been brought to my attention of a typing error in my first post....The Word tells us NOT to be unequally yoked.....my apologies. For what it’s worth my RA makes it difficult to type...so sorry and thank you Magenta!

 

[ThereRoseaLamb]

Tararose....it’s been brought to my attention of a typing error in my first post....The Word tells us NOT to be unequally yoked.....my apologies. For what it’s worth my RA makes it difficult to type...so sorry and thank you Magenta!

I'm pretty sure we all knew what you were trying to say and not start a new religion. But with CC who knows. rofl

 

[ThereRoseaLamb]

I wondered how people cope with this, say a child whose parent\s, or a man or woman whose spouse, lie to them all the time, and only admit it or say sorry on the occasions you can prove you caught them out. Like the repentance is at that level, oh sorry, I wont do it again. So you have to forgive them every time you confront them, even if there is no evidence of repentance or change in behaviour after. They profess to be a believer, and other behaviours would back them up, except this area. And, you cant go to a minister and say they dont "repent", and you cant take another witness and confront them etc. because they will admit it and will appear remorseful and repentant when confronted each and every time.

How can you even maintain any sort of relationship with such a person, when you know that in any conversation or discussion, the chances are that they will be making things up, just agreeing with you even if they don't agree really, and wont do what they said they would etc., and they will just say what they think you want to hear, or what make them look good, or will get them out of trouble, regardless of the truth.

I personally would not hang around people like that as friends, but consider them as lost souls and pray for them. But if its your parent that you live with and have to converse with, or a spouse you have to "be one" with, what do you do? You can't walk out on a parent unless y ou are an adult with someplace to go, and you can't divorce or separate someone for lying, unless its about committing adultery. But you can't stand to talk to them, respond to them, or ask them anything, because they are so fake and false in your eyes, its a total disrespect to you and a waste of time because you have no assurance what comes out of their mouth is the truth at any given time.

It is a pity that people play head games. If you are saved you know that telling the truth is an important part of your testimony. But there are people who still never stop lying. I tell people if you tell me a lie, even a "white lie" and I find out, you've lost my trust. The Bible says " mark those that cause dissension and stay away from them", that's in my own words of course. I would consider people who continually lie in that group.

 

[Tararose]

Tararose....it’s been brought to my attention of a typing error in my first post....The Word tells us NOT to be unequally yoked.....my apologies. For what it’s worth my RA makes it difficult to type...so sorry and thank you Magenta!

Totally understood thanks for taking the time to respond to the post.

 

[Seeker47]

From your OP:

"So you have to forgive them every time you confront them, even if there is no evidence of repentance or change in behaviour after."

Yes, you do need to forgive those who sin against you but this does NOT require you to allow them to revictimize you. Forgiveness does not mean forgetfulness. The question is, are you willing to allow them to experience the consequences of their lies? One of the consequences of lying isolation. You may not be able to change your parent or divorce your spouse, but you can protect yourself by isolating them and their lies.

Shikina said it best:

"I have to except the fact that I love them, I care for their wellbeing....and for their eternal salvation...but know that the relationship will be limited as long as they continue this behavior."

A liar as you describe doesn't just lie to you, they lie to everyone. There will be earthly consequences and eternal consequences if they persist. Pray for them but ultimately they alone are responsible for their sin.

 

[Tararose]

From your OP:

"So you have to forgive them every time you confront them, even if there is no evidence of repentance or change in behaviour after."

Yes, you do need to forgive those who sin against you but this does NOT require you to allow them to revictimize you. Forgiveness does not mean forgetfulness. The question is, are you willing to allow them to experience the consequences of their lies? One of the consequences of lying isolation. You may not be able to change your parent or divorce your spouse, but you can protect yourself by isolating them and their lies.

Shikina said it best:

"I have to except the fact that I love them, I care for their wellbeing....and for their eternal salvation...but know that the relationship will be limited as long as they continue this behavior."

A liar as you describe doesn't just lie to you, they lie to everyone. There will be earthly consequences and eternal consequences if they persist. Pray for them but ultimately they alone are responsible for their sin.

Thanks for this response.

I always thought we forgave in the way , or AS, Christ forgives us. In short, IF they repent, we MUST forgive.
Forgiveness AS Christ forgives is literally forgetting it, as if it never happened. Casting it as far as the East is from the West, NEVER to be remembered etc.
But besides that, I don't see Jesus forgiving anyone without repentance anywhere in the bible. He also says IF your brother repents... forgive him. I know that a lot of people do not agree on this point when it comes to us emulating that precursor to forgiveness in our dealings with fellowman, so there is a bit of conflict there as to how one reads and understands the verses on the subject.

I understand what everyone is saying but I am not sure how a person can isolate a spouse, in a way that would stop them lying to you, and still be "one" with them, still sleep with them still honour them and prefer them and so on - isn't isolating to the degree of not talking to them just separation under another name, though perhaps still under the same roof? - And how can a child isolate - cease conversations etc - with their parents without dishonouring and disobeying them? It is the practical application of this separating without separating that escapes me. I still don't know how I would go about it myself in either case. Or how I could advise someone not old enough to leave home, or married and not biblically allowed to separate, and still having to fulfil the biblical mandate of a spouse.

I know it may seem like I am being very picky here, but biblically it isn't black and white when it comes to liars in your family that have some authority over you, or a biblical right to your attention etc.

 

[Karlon]

I wondered how people cope with this, say a child whose parent\s, or a man or woman whose spouse, lie to them all the time, and only admit it or say sorry on the occasions you can prove you caught them out. Like the repentance is at that level, oh sorry, I wont do it again. So you have to forgive them every time you confront them, even if there is no evidence of repentance or change in behaviour after. They profess to be a believer, and other behaviours would back them up, except this area. And, you cant go to a minister and say they dont "repent", and you cant take another witness and confront them etc. because they will admit it and will appear remorseful and repentant when confronted each and every time.

How can you even maintain any sort of relationship with such a person, when you know that in any conversation or discussion, the chances are that they will be making things up, just agreeing with you even if they don't agree really, and wont do what they said they would etc., and they will just say what they think you want to hear, or what make them look good, or will get them out of trouble, regardless of the truth.

I personally would not hang around people like that as friends, but consider them as lost souls and pray for them. But if its your parent that you live with and have to converse with, or a spouse you have to "be one" with, what do you do? You can't walk out on a parent unless y ou are an adult with someplace to go, and you can't divorce or separate someone for lying, unless its about committing adultery. But you can't stand to talk to them, respond to them, or ask them anything, because they are so fake and false in your eyes, its a total disrespect to you and a waste of time because you have no assurance what comes out of their mouth is the truth at any given time.

how about the old fashioned way; when around a lot of people & the liar lies, tell everyone the truth that the person just lied, is a pathological liar, has been lying for years & he or she, needs to be correct right on the spot without hesitation!. liars can be highly conditioned to response from a developement in early childhood & never grow out of it. immediate correction is something that has traveled the "wind race" & got lost. remember the verse in which Jesus says tell the brother a correction, if he won't listen gather another & if he still won't listen, have nothing to do with him? & finally, pray for that person.

 

[SomeDisciple]

After I became an adult I confronted my parents on some of it and they just denied it ever happened, unbelievable.

This is my favorite thing. And by favorite, I mean it's the most boggling, stuporing, frustrating thing in the world. And it's not entirely for myself either- I have tried explaining to multiple people why they have strained relationships with their kids, like, "hey, remember when you did this really stupid thing that would damage any relationship?" and they're all like "I never did that!". Bro, you told me you did like 2 weeks ago, when you were putting down all of your kids, remember? *awkward silence*.

And I really do try and be as diplomatic as I can, too... but as the saying goes, no good deed goes unpunished (at least in this world).

At least if they are in denial, there could be some sense of shame? Silver-lining? But shame really isn't the point is it? What good is shame by itself? WORTHLESS! SORROW UNTO REPENTANCE PEOPLE!!!!