Finding a church home

[Hamarr]

Do you have difficulty finding a place to fit in? This is something that I kind of struggle with. Last night, I found myself reading a different message board and couple of linked articles. Those were all about feeling out of place at church if you were single. Some mentioned either being seen as potential threat for stealing a husband, or feeling like a creeper if you were a single guy in your 30s and 40s.

I've been wanting to isolate less, but I have to admit church hasn't seemed like the best place to get out and meet people. Unless I already know some regulars, I find myself maybe shaking hands with an usher before plopping on a pew by myself and then taking off after the sermon. I used to make more of an effort to find something to talk about when I was younger. I have read a number of comments from other guys about heading out into the wilderness to seek God instead.

 

[Aephus]

It isn’t always an easy thing, but I’d say don’t give up. A good Bible-believing church is a blessing. I’d say try and get involved in the church’s men’s Bible study or attend some sort of event if you can to get to know people. I know it isn’t always easy to open up, but I believe if you stay consistent, you’ll begin to. And who knows what all can come out of that

 

[Aephus]

I don’t really fit in at all, but I’ve found community to still be crucial. The common ground I do always have though is my relationship with Christ.

 

[Hamarr]

It isn’t always an easy thing, but I’d say don’t give up. A good Bible-believing church is a blessing. I’d say try and get involved in the church’s men’s Bible study or attend some sort of event if you can to get to know people. I know it isn’t always easy to open up, but I believe if you stay consistent, you’ll begin to. And who knows what all can come out of that

Finding one that isn't a Tuesday 6:30am breakfast would be awesome. Every church around here seems to have one of those.

I was thinking after posting this I do know a couple of people, including some old college buddies, that go to one of the churches around here. It's a bit of a drive, but that might be my best bet.

 

[Dino246]

Perhaps I'm blessed in this regard. I attend the same congregation that I did when I was married. Herself wanted me to find a different church when she ended the marriage; I refused. She moved away soon after that, so now it's "my" church and has been for years.

It's the healthiest that I know of, both spiritually and relationally, is a size I like, and has a good balance of inward and outward focus. No, it's not perfect of course... I attend there!

 

[Susanna]

I find Christ in the church I was born into. I enjoy visiting some other churches as well, especially Baptist churches. I like their gospel music.

 

[Kim82]

I'm an introvert. I don't fit in anywhere. I don't let it stop me from going to church though.

 

[Didymous]

Do you have difficulty finding a place to fit in? This is something that I kind of struggle with. Last night, I found myself reading a different message board and couple of linked articles. Those were all about feeling out of place at church if you were single. Some mentioned either being seen as potential threat for stealing a husband, or feeling like a creeper if you were a single guy in your 30s and 40s.

I've been wanting to isolate less, but I have to admit church hasn't seemed like the best place to get out and meet people. Unless I already know some regulars, I find myself maybe shaking hands with an usher before plopping on a pew by myself and then taking off after the sermon. I used to make more of an effort to find something to talk about when I was younger. I have read a number of comments from other guys about heading out into the wilderness to seek God instead.

I guess I'm a little strange. I was perfectly content to live at my home in isolation, but once God put me back among people, I found that I enjoyed them quite well. God certainly does great works in us!

 

[cinder]

Do you have difficulty finding a place to fit in? This is something that I kind of struggle with. Last night, I found myself reading a different message board and couple of linked articles. Those were all about feeling out of place at church if you were single. Some mentioned either being seen as potential threat for stealing a husband, or feeling like a creeper if you were a single guy in your 30s and 40s.

I've been wanting to isolate less, but I have to admit church hasn't seemed like the best place to get out and meet people. Unless I already know some regulars, I find myself maybe shaking hands with an usher before plopping on a pew by myself and then taking off after the sermon. I used to make more of an effort to find something to talk about when I was younger. I have read a number of comments from other guys about heading out into the wilderness to seek God instead.

I think there's a lot of truth in the idea that the majority of churches have developed a certain value system that says God prefers people who are married, musical, extroverted, relationally oriented, and avoid causing trouble. Broadly I'd say that the more of those categories you fit into (or at least aspire to), the easier it will be to fit in in church. Needless to say there's plenty of space for this introverted, task oriented, logical single to feel frustrated and disillusioned.

After nearly 2 years at the church I currently attend (that I settled on because I got tired of looking and it seemed to be the best place I'd found), I'm still torn between thinking of it as my church and thinking that I should pack up and go looking again because I just don't connect with this place at all. And yet the thought of leaving becomes difficult because I have developed some connections there: the couple who have a child and grandchildren on a very difficult mission field, the older gentleman who thinks my bible knowledge and my really blunt delivery of it is great, the gal who I got to know because she was coming to church alone because her husband was working a lot at the time and had to work sundays (and yes she thought nothing of talking to the single gal about how lonely and difficult it was to have her husband gone so much and how she wanted to do things together so she wouldn't have to do them alone) but now she's developed some health conditions that make life even more stressful and difficult and though there's no reason I can think of to like her (except maybe she was one of the first to say hi to me repeatedly) I do care. Sometimes I wonder if one of the key ingredients for community is having been around long enough for things to be familiar.

But oftentimes I have a hard time seeing the value of Sunday mornings as well, and I would in a heartbeat consider my long walks on the beach or through the woods alone with God far more valuable to my personal faith than much of my corporate faith practice. And I wonder what's the point of church, what is it that makes gathering together a mandatory and necessary part of practicing our faith? And right now the two things I think I really get from my involvement in church are 1) positive peer pressure and maybe some motivation towards internal accountability and 2) interactions with other people's life situations and struggles that keep me from becoming very myopic and self focused in my opinions and challenge me to keep developing them

 

[Hamarr]

I think there's a lot of truth in the idea that the majority of churches have developed a certain value system that says God prefers people who are married, musical, extroverted, relationally oriented, and avoid causing trouble. Broadly I'd say that the more of those categories you fit into (or at least aspire to), the easier it will be to fit in in church. Needless to say there's plenty of space for this introverted, task oriented, logical single to feel frustrated and disillusioned.

After nearly 2 years at the church I currently attend (that I settled on because I got tired of looking and it seemed to be the best place I'd found), I'm still torn between thinking of it as my church and thinking that I should pack up and go looking again because I just don't connect with this place at all. And yet the thought of leaving becomes difficult because I have developed some connections there: the couple who have a child and grandchildren on a very difficult mission field, the older gentleman who thinks my bible knowledge and my really blunt delivery of it is great, the gal who I got to know because she was coming to church alone because her husband was working a lot at the time and had to work sundays (and yes she thought nothing of talking to the single gal about how lonely and difficult it was to have her husband gone so much and how she wanted to do things together so she wouldn't have to do them alone) but now she's developed some health conditions that make life even more stressful and difficult and though there's no reason I can think of to like her (except maybe she was one of the first to say hi to me repeatedly) I do care. Sometimes I wonder if one of the key ingredients for community is having been around long enough for things to be familiar.

But oftentimes I have a hard time seeing the value of Sunday mornings as well, and I would in a heartbeat consider my long walks on the beach or through the woods alone with God far more valuable to my personal faith than much of my corporate faith practice. And I wonder what's the point of church, what is it that makes gathering together a mandatory and necessary part of practicing our faith? And right now the two things I think I really get from my involvement in church are 1) positive peer pressure and maybe some motivation towards internal accountability and 2) interactions with other people's life situations and struggles that keep me from becoming very myopic and self focused in my opinions and challenge me to keep developing them

I started typing up something about finding a way to serve in church and then deleted it, but I like what you said about attributes sought after in members. That's something I've been thinking on a bit. I guess just attending is not enough for me I would like to get involved more. I am musically inclined so I could try for a worship band, but like David Murrow says in "Why Men Hate Going To Church" most of the opportunities to serve in church aren't in most guy's wheelhouse.

The fellowship thing for me is something I get stuck on. There's a good chance I may not be getting any when I go, especially if I don't know anyone. A lot of churches I have gone to are not very welcoming unless you already know a member. Like at some point they quit being growth minded and welcoming and start becoming more focused on the current members. To be honest, I find more fellowship in outside groups that are more recovery related where people have lots of varying beliefs. I often feel more connected to them.

It does sound like you have made some friends there, though.

 

[cinder]

I started typing up something about finding a way to serve in church and then deleted it, but I like what you said about attributes sought after in members. That's something I've been thinking on a bit. I guess just attending is not enough for me I would like to get involved more. I am musically inclined so I could try for a worship band, but like David Murrow says in "Why Men Hate Going To Church" most of the opportunities to serve in church aren't in most guy's wheelhouse.

The fellowship thing for me is something I get stuck on. There's a good chance I may not be getting any when I go, especially if I don't know anyone. A lot of churches I have gone to are not very welcoming unless you already know a member. Like at some point they quit being growth minded and welcoming and start becoming more focused on the current members. To be honest, I find more fellowship in outside groups that are more recovery related where people have lots of varying beliefs. I often feel more connected to them.

It does sound like you have made some friends there, though.

I would suggest that sunday morning service is about the worst place to try to make connections with new people at a church (which is a shame really because that's usually new people's first introduction to a church). I tend to view small groups, sunday school classes, or most of your committees or service opportunities as the places where you can really get to know people. But yes it's incredibly hard to get connected in, especially if you tend to be introverted. And if you're a deep thinker it's also vexing how often people just repeat the same cliches and think they're actually saying something.

 

[Kim82]

I think there's a lot of truth in the idea that the majority of churches have developed a certain value system that says God prefers people who are married, musical, extroverted, relationally oriented, and avoid causing trouble. Broadly I'd say that the more of those categories you fit into (or at least aspire to), the easier it will be to fit in in church. Needless to say there's plenty of space for this introverted, task oriented, logical single to feel frustrated and disillusioned.

After nearly 2 years at the church I currently attend (that I settled on because I got tired of looking and it seemed to be the best place I'd found), I'm still torn between thinking of it as my church and thinking that I should pack up and go looking again because I just don't connect with this place at all. And yet the thought of leaving becomes difficult because I have developed some connections there: the couple who have a child and grandchildren on a very difficult mission field, the older gentleman who thinks my bible knowledge and my really blunt delivery of it is great, the gal who I got to know because she was coming to church alone because her husband was working a lot at the time and had to work sundays (and yes she thought nothing of talking to the single gal about how lonely and difficult it was to have her husband gone so much and how she wanted to do things together so she wouldn't have to do them alone) but now she's developed some health conditions that make life even more stressful and difficult and though there's no reason I can think of to like her (except maybe she was one of the first to say hi to me repeatedly) I do care. Sometimes I wonder if one of the key ingredients for community is having been around long enough for things to be familiar.

But oftentimes I have a hard time seeing the value of Sunday mornings as well, and I would in a heartbeat consider my long walks on the beach or through the woods alone with God far more valuable to my personal faith than much of my corporate faith practice. And I wonder what's the point of church, what is it that makes gathering together a mandatory and necessary part of practicing our faith? And right now the two things I think I really get from my involvement in church are 1) positive peer pressure and maybe some motivation towards internal accountability and 2) interactions with other people's life situations and struggles that keep me from becoming very myopic and self focused in my opinions and challenge me to keep developing them

Pleased to meet you, my fellow introvert you made my day! I completely understand all that you've said because I feel the same way too.

 

[melita916]

ah my fellow introverts! lol

i've been at my new fellowship for almost 2 years, and i still don't feel 100% connected. i barely talk with the members of the music team, and i'm a member of it too! lol. i know the moment i break out of my shell, it's all easy from there. but.... le sigh!

this upcoming sunday, we have a appreciation dinner for all those involved in ministries. last year, we went, and my husband talked with people, but i surely didn't. maybe this time i'll be brave enough to talk with peoples.

 

[Kim82]

maybe this time i'll be brave enough to talk with peoples.

Go ahead, you can do it! But in case you don't. Remember you can try again next time...hopefully.

 

[Hamarr]

I actually went to church today. My energy has been up since I have started intermittent fasting and I felt good enough to go.

I ended up deciding to go ahead and join. I have been on the fence about joining this one but had a few things help the decision. A lot of it was based on criteria I picked up from “Why Men Hate Going to Church”, like the church community is healthy and growing. They just added a second service for Friday. I went to the new time and it was packed. The message was also challenging, which is something I have been wanting. And on a taste note, the music was modern but there were no make out songs for Jesus or Jesus is my boyfriend stuff like I have heard at other places. They even had a couple songs celebrating the strength and majesty of God.

After the service I signed up for a follow up on home/small groups and met with the pastor that does new memberships. They have an intro discipleship course for new members that starts up ina few months.

There were also some people I met a year or so so ago that remembered me. It was nice to see them. They both mentioned that there are a lot of places to serve. I am hoping to find something. If nothing else, I might try out for the worship band.

 

[Kim82]

there were no make out songs for Jesus or Jesus is my boyfriend stuff

What?

 

[melita916]

That’s awesome, Hamarr!

 

[cinder]

What?

I think he's probably talking about those songs often sung in worship that you could pretty much change to a lovesong on the radio if you replaced the word Jesus with baby or darling or some such term of endearment. And I'd have to agree that most of our modern evangelical churches tend to sing a whole lot more of those type of songs than songs that remember Christ's death or talk about the majesty, power, sovereignty of God. My personal pet peeve (or at least one of them) is songs that repeat the line we worship you or we love you or some such, like merely saying it is the same thing as doing it.

 

[Hamarr]

I think he's probably talking about those songs often sung in worship that you could pretty much change to a lovesong on the radio if you replaced the word Jesus with baby or darling or some such term of endearment. And I'd have to agree that most of our modern evangelical churches tend to sing a whole lot more of those type of songs than songs that remember Christ's death or talk about the majesty, power, sovereignty of God. My personal pet peeve (or at least one of them) is songs that repeat the line we worship you or we love you or some such, like merely saying it is the same thing as doing it.

Yes. That’s what I was referring to. A few months back I was at Celebrate Recovery when I just “noped” out of worship. Since ai didn’t know any of the songs, I was reading ahead when the lyrics for the full chorus or verse were being displayed.

I don’t remember the exact lyrics, but it was something along the lines of “I just want to lay here gaze into your eyes and think about how much you love me”. It sounded like a woman singing to her lover, not a worship song. The other songs they were singing were already Jesus boyfriend songs but that was the line where I just said “nope”.

 

[JustEli]

If the house aint filled with the Holy Ghost, stand up and walk, brush the dust off, n keep prayin.