Feeling disheartened

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Suck it up, buttercup. Life around you already got you to the point where you are in your head, so wait & see what'll get put in there next.
It's not bad that you're prepared to die, you just have to do it for the right reason.
I hope you don't talk that way to every depressed person you come across. Words have power. And encouraging people to finally "end it all" isn't just irresponsible – it's immoral.
 
I hope you don't talk that way to every depressed person you come across. Words have power. And encouraging people to finally "end it all" isn't just irresponsible – it's immoral.
I'm telling you, as a captain of someone who lives in their own head, disdain for this life doesn't have to be disheartening. I thought I was finished when I had an innumerable angel-like robot army, an entire bio-engineered race of animal-human hybrid people, and imaginary arc that covered the ancient lore of several different created medias put together but no I wasn't. More stuff still inspires me.
I've wanted to end it all myself for a very long time, but since I wasn't permitted to, I haven't so far.

I'm saying It's not a matter of taking your life into your own hands, it's being ready to have it taken from you.
Because no matter how it is it'll happen at its time.
 
Before anyone asks, yes I'm a Christian.

Let's just say, I've been a Christian since I was 17. I'm turning 32 in a couple weeks. And while I don't think I could ever abandon my faith, part of me just wants nothing to do with it anymore.

After high school, I experienced a series of disappointments in school, work, and relationships − despite praying to God for guidance. By 2017, I'd resorted to retreating from the world and have been living that way for 8 years since. I live with my parents. I get social security (partly because I'm neurodivergent). But I've got no diploma, no job, and no friends (outside from an online friend who lives on the other side of the country). I haven't even attended church since then, apart from Easter and Christmas. I got tired of people telling me how to "better" my Christian life (albeit in a well-meaning way, not a legalistic way). And besides, most churches don't know what to do with people like me − 32, unmarried, and childless.

Last week, however, I thought I'd finally been given reason to hope again − to hope my life would change for the better. I sought spiritual guidance on it and delved into my Bible. But since then, the likelihood of this opportunity (which I'd prefer not to explain) actually panning out seems more and more unlikely every day.

"Hope" is now like a 4-letter word to me. I don't care what "good things" God has in store for me. I'd rather he leave me alone and quit playing with my feelings.

I'm so sorry, brother.
 
I'm sorry for being rash. I'm just saying what I would say to myself.
I don't know much about what it's like to interact with anyone else about deep problems face-to-face.