Recently I sent a text to my manfriend who lives 2 streets away to ask how he was managing the "unlockdown", after the restrictions began to be eased and we could meet one other person - at 2 metres distance - out of doors. He said he was not planning on going out that day. I replied to ask if he wanted to meet briefly in the park between our two houses. Then he rang up in a temper and made it quite clear that he definitely did NOT want to meet and did not suggest another time. I felt fairly hurt by his anger and quite rejected, as I was reaching out to him thinking he might be feeling lonely and want some company. I might add that he has taken most of the initiative these last 3 years to seek me out for my company, and it was only very recently he told me it was a shame I could not come out in the car with him to a local beauty spot we go to. I felt totally blindsided by this response. Later that week I sent a text to say how his anger had left me feeling (it frightened me a bit actually) and that his response had felt rude, ungrateful and disrespectful and asked him not to vent his anger on me, and to seek help and support if he was struggling. He replied by text, apologised for upsetting me, explained it was not intentional, and said it was because he was frustrated by a jigsaw puzzle with too many small pieces! I accepted his apology and took it at face value, but decided to stop initiating with him and give him some space and for my own wellbeing. I am not sure what is up with him, but I am struggling to see the connection between frustration with a jigsaw puzzle and making a decision whether he wants to see me or not. We are still in text contact (he initiates and I reply politely), but although he has been for a four mile walk with his best male buddy/pastor, and goes out in the car, he has not shown any desire to meet up. I am not sure what to think of a man who has sought me out for company regularly every week, at least once if not twice, who appears to slam the door in my face during a time of national crisis when I reach out for a little company and connection. I did hear from his pastor friend (who is also a friend of mine)and apparently he had been given the puzzle line as well, as X had admitted that he had been angry with me on the phone. That was his explanation but I think it is probably frustration over the lockdown, fear about catching the virus, and perhaps he has a mental condition as well to complicate things - I don't like to judge. It has crossed my mind that now he can get out in the car that perhaps he has connected with other women online and is off pursuing them, and my request caused a conflict in his heart which erupted in anger. I have backed off but if he contacts me (usually by text) then I keep things sweet, and keep praying for him and am trying to keep my heart free of the anger that comes with disappointment. I found his response very selfish and since he only seems to want friendship anyway, suspect he is either ill (he has a health condition which makes him grumpy sometimes) or pursuing other woman and doesn't want me to know, wants to keep me on a string because maybe all I am to him is a convenience store. I don't think I can see a future with a man with issues like these, but having backed off, he seems to want to keep in contact, albeit by text. However, after prayer, I feel I have needed to stop initiating contact with him, as I feel I could not go out for car trips on my own with a man who has irrational outbursts of anger. I just feel the need today to share my heart - thanks for listening. It seems like everyone I have ever met even in church circles (it was our pastor friend and his wife who introduced us and encouraged me to go out with him) has treated me badly and let me down. I have given it to the Lord now and letting Him do what He wants with us, as I do need to protect myself. Please would you pray for me and X, that X will see the need to change - maybe he is not truly born again - and that I will be protected and able to move on in peace if necessary. I feel a deep loneliness and disconnection inside sometimes although I know the Lord is with me. I am not sure what is causing this sense of being detached from everyone and not feeling as if I belong. I know it is probably a lie and probably due to emotional damage. I have been battling the damage for over 40 years now and am tired, so just resting in the Lord now and journeying with Him through the lockdown. Thanks so much for bearing with me - I needed to share how I was feeling.
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. When I have limited time, I try to make a quick reply, and plan to return when I have minutes again=). Btw, when possible, I also like to read the Word aloud-- and it does make a difference.
