Falling In Love Vs. Falling into Pain -- Is There a Difference?

[Adstar]

If the foundation that a relationship is built on is Pain,, then changes to that condition will inevitably topple that relationship..

You need something far more solid and long lasting at the base of a relationship for that relationship to last..

 

[ArtsieSteph]

Very good and thought provoking topic. I’m had what was probably a rebound relationship once...looking back now I know I rushed things. Because like you said I was in pain. And so I wanted to ease the pain with another person to talk to.

It can be so hard to recognize when you’re rushing yourself...

Anyhow. I feel a true lasting relationship needs to be based on trust and a key relationship with God. I’m thinking MAYBE a relationship can start with pain, but it has to be re-evaluated and recalibrated to be a right relationship over time or it will just implode I think

 

[zeroturbulence]

Hey Everyone,

I'm sure there's probably an actual scientific name (and maybe even hundreds of journals) published about this phenomenon, but this is a half-baked idea I've been churning around for years.

How many people say and believe they are falling in love, when in reality, they are actually "falling into pain"? It has always intrigued me that in the English language, "love" AND "pain" both fall under what we proverbially hint as being mischievous "4-letter words."

When listening to/reading/reflecting over stories of people's relationships (including my own), I can't help but notice that in more instances than I can count, "falling in love" seemed to be synonymous with "trying to get to a state of feeling less pain."

The most classic example would be rebound relationships: someone finds someone else in order to fill the void left by another person in an attempt to ease the pain. But are these relationships based on anything solid other than pain? Maybe this is why so many second marriages also fail?

How many people have met their current significant other while they were going through a really rough time? (Such as, meeting someone while in rehab, going through a traumatic time, suffering the loss of a loved one, or even just the garden-variety pain of everyday life.)

Finding someone we're interested in (and hopefully, who is also interested in us) is a fresh, exciting novelty that helps distract our minds from the pain. Having someone we really like to talk to and spend time sure does feel better than the worries, stress, and painful frustrations of everyday life. And when you're in pain, even a little bit of relief can feel like something big. Sometimes even big enough to marry?

But how long does the escape last? And what happens to a relationship built on pain?

Here are a few thoughts -- feel free to answer any or all that you have thoughts about or recognize:

* What happens when the pain changes -- maybe it lessens or changes, or maybe the person builds a "tolerance" -- and suddenly that other person isn't easing the pain like they used to, so there is a temptation to look to something or someone else to once again, ease the pain? Do couples in this situation tend to work through it or do they split up?

* What happens if one person becomes free from pain while the other is still trapped? (Maybe one has overcome something while the other is still stuck in a cycle.) Does one person become chained to the other's pain?

I have been thinking especially about couples who feel that initial "rush" and relief from pain in each other's presence (or so they believe at the time), get married, and then... something happens to that pain (which built the foundation of their relationship) and suddenly they are stuck looking at someone they no longer know or even want to be around.

* If it's true that a good number of people "fall into pain," believing the bonding they form in the midst of the pain is actually love, what does falling in love really look like? (And of course, sometimes love and pain really are intertwined.)

* Do you believe a lasting, quality relationship can be based on pain, and if not, what are the alternatives? What is the "proper" pain-to-love ratio of a "healthy" relationship?

It's interesting to me that the Bible says, "Perfect love casts out fear," (1 John 4:18,) but it does not say that perfect love casts out pain.

I'm sure that as God watched His Son suffer on the cross, He knew more than anyone that love, perfect love, often involves a terrible pain. But how much can we humans tolerate when building relationships?


Looking forward to hearing your thoughts.

My old spanish professor in college told us that until we find that special person and marry them, we are only half a human being. I believe this is true. This scripture seems to back it up:

For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh. (Genesis 2:24)

God said, "It is not good for man to be alone." (Genesis 2:18)

Ecclessiastes 4:10-11 says:
For if one falls down, his companion can lift him up; but pity the one who falls without another to help him up! Again, if two lie down together, they will keep warm; but how can one keep warm alone?

And though one can overpower him who is alone, two can resist him. (Ecclesiastes 4:12 AMP)

I think life, for me at least, is about 70% pain, 28% mundane, and 2% happiness. Having someone special in my life would maybe boost up the happiness and lower the pain. Then again, it always depends on the person. The right one will lift you up and make you wonder how you ever lived without them, but the wrong one can make you wonder what you ever saw in them...

 

[Lynx]

From what I hear sometimes the same person can have both effects... Sometimes at the same time!

 

[UnderGrace]

My preference is just to wake up and the baby is there already without having to go through any of the yelling screaming and blood and morning sickness....

Having a baby is a wonderful experience from start to finish

 

[Lanolin]

Having a baby is a wonderful experience from start to finish

How many have you had so far?

Like how many times would you go through labour? Are you talking about the giving birth part or actually the entire thing from breast feeding to changing nappies until they are old enough to walk and talk or right up till they leave home. What if they dont leave home at all?

 

[Lanolin]

My old spanish professor in college told us that until we find that special person and marry them, we are only half a human being. I believe this is true. This scripture seems to back it up:

For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh. (Genesis 2:24)

God said, "It is not good for man to be alone." (Genesis 2:18)

Ecclessiastes 4:10-11 says:
For if one falls down, his companion can lift him up; but pity the one who falls without another to help him up! Again, if two lie down together, they will keep warm; but how can one keep warm alone?

And though one can overpower him who is alone, two can resist him. (Ecclesiastes 4:12 AMP)

I think life, for me at least, is about 70% pain, 28% mundane, and 2% happiness. Having someone special in my life would maybe boost up the happiness and lower the pain. Then again, it always depends on the person. The right one will lift you up and make you wonder how you ever lived without them, but the wrong one can make you wonder what you ever saw in them...

Thats only talking about men though, woman was born complete she wasnt missing any rib.
I wonder what adam would have done if eve wasnt created. Just lived with all the animals?

 

[UnderGrace]

How many have you had so far?

Like how many times would you go through labour? Are you talking about the giving birth part or actually the entire thing from breast feeding to changing nappies until they are old enough to walk and talk or right up till they leave home. What if they dont leave home at all?

I am not sure the number matters.

You know going through labour with no epidural, IV etc., etc., was amazing and would do it again.

The only difficult part is when they are ill, other then that, the other work is pure joy!

 

[Lanolin]

I am not sure the number matters.

You know going through labour with no epidural, IV etc., etc., was amazing and would do it again.

The only difficult part is when they are ill, other then that, the other work is pure joy!

Just curious.
Was it one or a whole brood. Im a middle child, just want to know. As you might know, the middle child tends to be the neglected one.lol

Nobody ever says this aloud, but I do suspect from parents unspoken attitudes that often the second child is looked at as another burden. Its like..oh another one. We just had one before.

 

[Lanolin]

Colic is probably the worst thing a baby could have with a new parents. Wont you stop crying?! No they cant.

Painful for all parties.

 

[1christian1]

Hey Everyone,

I'm sure there's probably an actual scientific name (and maybe even hundreds of journals) published about this phenomenon, but this is a half-baked idea I've been churning around for years.

How many people say and believe they are falling in love, when in reality, they are actually "falling into pain"? It has always intrigued me that in the English language, "love" AND "pain" both fall under what we proverbially hint as being mischievous "4-letter words."

When listening to/reading/reflecting over stories of people's relationships (including my own), I can't help but notice that in more instances than I can count, "falling in love" seemed to be synonymous with "trying to get to a state of feeling less pain."

The most classic example would be rebound relationships: someone finds someone else in order to fill the void left by another person in an attempt to ease the pain. But are these relationships based on anything solid other than pain? Maybe this is why so many second marriages also fail?

How many people have met their current significant other while they were going through a really rough time? (Such as, meeting someone while in rehab, going through a traumatic time, suffering the loss of a loved one, or even just the garden-variety pain of everyday life.)

Finding someone we're interested in (and hopefully, who is also interested in us) is a fresh, exciting novelty that helps distract our minds from the pain. Having someone we really like to talk to and spend time sure does feel better than the worries, stress, and painful frustrations of everyday life. And when you're in pain, even a little bit of relief can feel like something big. Sometimes even big enough to marry?

But how long does the escape last? And what happens to a relationship built on pain?

Here are a few thoughts -- feel free to answer any or all that you have thoughts about or recognize:

* What happens when the pain changes -- maybe it lessens or changes, or maybe the person builds a "tolerance" -- and suddenly that other person isn't easing the pain like they used to, so there is a temptation to look to something or someone else to once again, ease the pain? Do couples in this situation tend to work through it or do they split up?

* What happens if one person becomes free from pain while the other is still trapped? (Maybe one has overcome something while the other is still stuck in a cycle.) Does one person become chained to the other's pain?

I have been thinking especially about couples who feel that initial "rush" and relief from pain in each other's presence (or so they believe at the time), get married, and then... something happens to that pain (which built the foundation of their relationship) and suddenly they are stuck looking at someone they no longer know or even want to be around.

* If it's true that a good number of people "fall into pain," believing the bonding they form in the midst of the pain is actually love, what does falling in love really look like? (And of course, sometimes love and pain really are intertwined.)

* Do you believe a lasting, quality relationship can be based on pain, and if not, what are the alternatives? What is the "proper" pain-to-love ratio of a "healthy" relationship?

It's interesting to me that the Bible says, "Perfect love casts out fear," (1 John 4:18,) but it does not say that perfect love casts out pain.

I'm sure that as God watched His Son suffer on the cross, He knew more than anyone that love, perfect love, often involves a terrible pain. But how much can we humans tolerate when building relationships?


Looking forward to hearing your thoughts.

Being Christian I always had to convince myself that I was falling in lust when i

 

[1christian1]

Being Christian I always had to convince myself that I was falling in love to justify lust. Young and dumb I know...

 

[tourist]

Very good and thought provoking topic. I’m had what was probably a rebound relationship once...looking back now I know I rushed things. Because like you said I was in pain. And so I wanted to ease the pain with another person to talk to.

It can be so hard to recognize when you’re rushing yourself...

Anyhow. I feel a true lasting relationship needs to be based on trust and a key relationship with God. I’m thinking MAYBE a relationship can start with pain, but it has to be re-evaluated and recalibrated to be a right relationship over time or it will just implode I think

I fully concur that without trust there can be no foundation for and enduring relationship. A relationship can indeed start based on pain but there must be empathy and the capability and willingness to act.

 

[Krumbeard]

Hmmm...loving someone is an action. Sometimes accompanied with warm fuzzies, sometimes not. But you continue to (or should) love the other even though you might not feel like it or even feel loved by them.
I was told once that another person or marriage won't fix my or their issues, but it is a wonderful thing to have someone along side encouraging and cheering you on even though they cannot do the work for you.

You cannot change another person. That was a hard lesson for me to learn. I came to a point where I had to stop trying and work on myself and encourage her in her trials.

Pain will be a part of loving. I love my children and will discipline them to teach them. They do not like or want it. If I don't, I don't love them and they will be much worse off.

But there are blessings to loving and paining. The growth you will start to see in your own life and also in theirs. You do grow closer through these things. You know each other in a way no one else does, when that's gone it is missed and for me only realized how close we actually were even though it didn't feel it many times.

 

[LittleMermaid]

Whenever I like someone, I get anxiety because I assume that they don't like me back. I start thinking about the type of girl they would probably like and wish I could be like her. I really don't like having crushing or infatuations. I pray to God that he takes those things away from me. So far I have not liked any guys for almost two years. It's great!

I don't understand how falling in love could feel good. I've never been in love but being infatuated hurts me a lot.

 

[TamLynn]

Whenever I like someone, I get anxiety because I assume that they don't like me back. I start thinking about the type of girl they would probably like and wish I could be like her. I really don't like having crushing or infatuations. I pray to God that he takes those things away from me. So far I have not liked any guys for almost two years. It's great!

I don't understand how falling in love could feel good. I've never been in love but being infatuated hurts me a lot.

I've done this too.
Comparison is the thief of joy.
I've read that 'shame is the universal companion of women'.
I can certainly attest to many women I know, including myself, struggling to break free from this.

Falling in love does feel good. It makes most things seem better.
Allowing yourself to love someone (be it romantic or not) also opens a door for potential hurt and heart ache.
This is why we are told to guard our heart.❤

 

[Alby]

I've done this too.
Comparison is the thief of joy.
I've read that 'shame is the universal companion of women'.
I can certainly attest to many women I know, including myself, struggling to break free from this.

Falling in love does feel good. It makes most things seem better.
Allowing yourself to love someone (be it romantic or not) also opens a door for potential hurt and heart ache.
This is why we are told to guard our heart.❤

Hello Canadian woman, I am Canadian man. I do not see many Christian female Leafs on these boards. So it is good to know you exist 😇

 

[Alby]

Seems like many romances that start off too hot are doomed to fail (especially if sex is involved tsk tsk). It's kind of like how Olympians get depressed after winning a gold medal, there's nowhere else to go but down. I actually have a problem with the whole concept of "romantic love" anyway. I feel it's been sold to us as an unattainable ideal. After the initial glow fades what are you left with? Well, if you started off with friendship and sin had no part in it, then the relationship will probably be blessed. If not, then you might start to feel like strangers to each other because you are not connected by spirit, which is key. I believe the key to a successful marriage isnt being madly in love but being in deep appreciation of each other, a different kind of love. And then, of course, you must be spiritually compatible with the same vision on how to live your lives. Personally, once I get married, that's it. Divorce isn't an option and I would hope my partner feels the same way.

 

[Princesse]

There is a difference between entering a relationship with someone who adds to your life when you’re both in a good place (within and without). And undertaking one in a time of brokenness hoping their presence will lessen your pain.

We owe it to ourselves and one another to bring healthy people to the table with the mental and emotional readiness to navigate life and relational challenges. Storms will arrive and you can only carry so much on your shoulders before you topple over in a heap.

Its not about falling in love. It’s creating an environment where mutual support and respect bloom into a connection that begets the emotional fealty we seek. I do more to prove my love by addressing the things that hurt courageously. And tackling the issues that derailed my happiness. Than whispering a thousand epithets after my next tirade, meltdown, or loss of control.

If you want a love that lasts. Give them someone worth fighting for and coming home to. Not another cog or dilemma they need to resolve. He can’t fix you. Only God can.