I want to thank and appreciate all of you - I say as I'm still partially bound to an ego.
Reading about the personal feelings and struggles and testimonies of other people has truly begun to shed a light on me that I couldn't see before.
Beginning to 'see' and acknowledge the other people whom God has made is helping me in ways the scriptures themselves can't. "Ye search the scriptures, because you think in them ye have salvation". I have been one such person; "having a zeal for God, but not according to knowledge"; desiring to be justified by the law over trusting in grace; knowing that God was working all around me and through me, but not beleiving that he loved me; putting the light in me for darkness, being binded by the fact that all fate is predetermined, but forgetting how to live in the midst of it all; becomming hyperfocused on myself and what God personally thinks of me, and obsessing over how every little moment of my life would be adressed on the day of judgment, but altogether becoming ignorant of the truth and losing sight of me not being the only person in the world; thinking I could 'summon' him to come down and help me, without finding a place in my heart to relax and let him mold me into shape.
I've been pushed into this darkness from a very early age, and from now there's still a part of me worried about how I might escape. I've only known my concerns and feelings getting constantly rejected in this world🭹
🞄 From my mom: Treating me like a robot who needs a 'homework time', 'shower time', 'toothbush time', 'bed time' late into my teens; only answering me with "i'm an adult who can drink whatever I want" whenever I tried to imply to her how I'm tired of seeing whole packs of 16oz beer cans in the trash after coming home from school, "but it's a very light beer", then rambling to me with bloodshot eyes after gulping several cups of wine something to the same exact vain as many many nights before; how my grades are dissapointing and that I'm never going to find a job because I'm not making school the source and head of my whole life, and how my few personal intrigues are just a waste of time and that I'm just being mislead or turning evil because of them; constantly being a threat to the few freindships I had because they were online and she obsessed over the pedophile stories in the yellow pages.
🞄 From my peers: I was born with what the physicians call 'aspergers syndrome' and I suppose it just makes me inevitably different from everyone else. I remember a time when I tried to integrate with people my age around me, but it just couldn't work out and instead a wall was formed between me and them. My best friends throughout my school years were my teachers and one other guy I ended up falling away from after them. I could culturally only relate to older people beacuse the past generations culture is what I was raised on. I abhored and still do find despicable most things about the modern generations of the world, I hate social media, I hate minimalism, I hate the integration with comuter software and appliances, and I hate how nobody can seem to keep their nose pointed away from a smartphone. When I was in school I was the only student who could keep their phone in their pocket all day and everyone else, -everyone else-, was just completely absorbed by theirs. I say without any pride that I know I'm more thoughful than most, more careful than most, more observant than most, but I don't want it to be that way. I hate how society is decaying before my eyes and it's complaining about it's own destruction while simultaniously refusing to gain the self-awareness to fix itself, and for some reason everyone still wants to toil for and boast about being a part of it. Not just refusing, but screaming and crying and kicking and throwing a little baby temper tantrum at any notion that they can't have a cake and eat it too, only calmed by a pacifier of perceived social image. I just never ever want to associate myself with any of that.
🞄 From my love interests: Since early into my childhood I constantly daydreamed about having a wife. The earliest memories of doing so are likely right after my parents divorced, and custody was seperated so that I moved back & forth between houses every week; my mom had the portion of the weekdays, and my dad had the portion of the weekends, which began around when I was 8 years old and didn't change for a decade. Maybe the dreams were a form of hope to rectify the error of my parents, maybe they didn't become so until my late teens, but I know that is was a hope which always meant alot to me. Especially in the later years, I sincerely wanted to get engaged and start a family of my own in hope that it would solve a lot of issues with my soul, and I wanted to raise children who would never face the same inconsideration and neglect that I did. I always figured the exchange would be dead simple; me and her would share our knowledge, help each other with our intersts, groom each other, play with each other and just generally be one flesh. I yearned for it so much that I made countless imaginary girlfreinds, but I was always to shy to actually approach any girls, even the few I saw who I considered might be someone like me. There were only 3 women who I ever significantly interacted with, and they all shattered my heart before I could even see them face-to-face, one catfish included. I know it was stupid of me, but I gave each of them my whole heart before they even really knew who I was, and vice versa. I still contantly wonder about the last one all the time, and though we seperated months ago I still ignorantly hope every day that I somehow hear from her again. Grace was her name, and since the time I knew it I figured something about it was symbolic. I can't say I have never known anyone as smart or as understanding as her, and I saw her as someone truly comparable to me. Through my own foolishness, all of the relationships fell apart, and now I'm in a place where it seems completely futile to begin to try anything again.
🞄 From the people presently around me: Lately God has given me to see that this world is absoulutely on the verge of ending. I never jumped to this conclusion; even since I the first time I perceived from the scriptures that it all adds up, I wrestled with that spirit and held out in scepticism until about now. No one else put this idea in me, I figured it purley from reading the scriptures and comparing them to the world, and until I started encountering you other brothers, I felt like I was one of the only people in the world with a truly strong case for why the world is about to end. I prophesized, then doubted the prophecy I spoke. I teetered on the logic of whether I'm truly a saint or a false prophet, and my faith became reduced to a sparse hope. I've been trying to warn the people I live with, but it seems that they don't listen and I'm very weary for their souls. I love my dad and he's who's been supporting me, but he claims to be in love with world and says he isn't ready to depart from the world. My mom seems to have made up her own ideas about things and resists the evidence I bring up with scripture. They all beleive in Jesus and are more or less ignorant of the world beyond what it presents to them on its surface, so I mainly hope the word in Rev. 2:24 applies to them. I know they have attributes to their charachter that I would be repentant of.
My soul has been greviously broken up by all I've been through, and for a long time I've felt like I'm having what I call 'onset schizophrenia', long before intrusive voices started effecting my thoughts. They're here now, but faint and managable, and haven't entirely conviced me they're not just figments of my own paranoia; but they're the only voices that 'speak to me', they're the only voices who would know who I truly am.
I can't promise any of you that I truly feel affection for what you write, because I can't say I know for sure what direct affection truly feels like. All I know is that reading into and following along with you people has given me a way to help me feel like I might be getting closer to that warm light.
Again I want to appreciate and thank all of you, even moreso now than when I began writing this, because I know it is being read by those who can know and thoughtfully understand - and hopefully it will help put an end to the creeping self-absorbtion inside me - help me escape this bitterness I've been consumed by.
Reading about the personal feelings and struggles and testimonies of other people has truly begun to shed a light on me that I couldn't see before.
Beginning to 'see' and acknowledge the other people whom God has made is helping me in ways the scriptures themselves can't. "Ye search the scriptures, because you think in them ye have salvation". I have been one such person; "having a zeal for God, but not according to knowledge"; desiring to be justified by the law over trusting in grace; knowing that God was working all around me and through me, but not beleiving that he loved me; putting the light in me for darkness, being binded by the fact that all fate is predetermined, but forgetting how to live in the midst of it all; becomming hyperfocused on myself and what God personally thinks of me, and obsessing over how every little moment of my life would be adressed on the day of judgment, but altogether becoming ignorant of the truth and losing sight of me not being the only person in the world; thinking I could 'summon' him to come down and help me, without finding a place in my heart to relax and let him mold me into shape.
I've been pushed into this darkness from a very early age, and from now there's still a part of me worried about how I might escape. I've only known my concerns and feelings getting constantly rejected in this world🭹
🞄 From my mom: Treating me like a robot who needs a 'homework time', 'shower time', 'toothbush time', 'bed time' late into my teens; only answering me with "i'm an adult who can drink whatever I want" whenever I tried to imply to her how I'm tired of seeing whole packs of 16oz beer cans in the trash after coming home from school, "but it's a very light beer", then rambling to me with bloodshot eyes after gulping several cups of wine something to the same exact vain as many many nights before; how my grades are dissapointing and that I'm never going to find a job because I'm not making school the source and head of my whole life, and how my few personal intrigues are just a waste of time and that I'm just being mislead or turning evil because of them; constantly being a threat to the few freindships I had because they were online and she obsessed over the pedophile stories in the yellow pages.
🞄 From my peers: I was born with what the physicians call 'aspergers syndrome' and I suppose it just makes me inevitably different from everyone else. I remember a time when I tried to integrate with people my age around me, but it just couldn't work out and instead a wall was formed between me and them. My best friends throughout my school years were my teachers and one other guy I ended up falling away from after them. I could culturally only relate to older people beacuse the past generations culture is what I was raised on. I abhored and still do find despicable most things about the modern generations of the world, I hate social media, I hate minimalism, I hate the integration with comuter software and appliances, and I hate how nobody can seem to keep their nose pointed away from a smartphone. When I was in school I was the only student who could keep their phone in their pocket all day and everyone else, -everyone else-, was just completely absorbed by theirs. I say without any pride that I know I'm more thoughful than most, more careful than most, more observant than most, but I don't want it to be that way. I hate how society is decaying before my eyes and it's complaining about it's own destruction while simultaniously refusing to gain the self-awareness to fix itself, and for some reason everyone still wants to toil for and boast about being a part of it. Not just refusing, but screaming and crying and kicking and throwing a little baby temper tantrum at any notion that they can't have a cake and eat it too, only calmed by a pacifier of perceived social image. I just never ever want to associate myself with any of that.
🞄 From my love interests: Since early into my childhood I constantly daydreamed about having a wife. The earliest memories of doing so are likely right after my parents divorced, and custody was seperated so that I moved back & forth between houses every week; my mom had the portion of the weekdays, and my dad had the portion of the weekends, which began around when I was 8 years old and didn't change for a decade. Maybe the dreams were a form of hope to rectify the error of my parents, maybe they didn't become so until my late teens, but I know that is was a hope which always meant alot to me. Especially in the later years, I sincerely wanted to get engaged and start a family of my own in hope that it would solve a lot of issues with my soul, and I wanted to raise children who would never face the same inconsideration and neglect that I did. I always figured the exchange would be dead simple; me and her would share our knowledge, help each other with our intersts, groom each other, play with each other and just generally be one flesh. I yearned for it so much that I made countless imaginary girlfreinds, but I was always to shy to actually approach any girls, even the few I saw who I considered might be someone like me. There were only 3 women who I ever significantly interacted with, and they all shattered my heart before I could even see them face-to-face, one catfish included. I know it was stupid of me, but I gave each of them my whole heart before they even really knew who I was, and vice versa. I still contantly wonder about the last one all the time, and though we seperated months ago I still ignorantly hope every day that I somehow hear from her again. Grace was her name, and since the time I knew it I figured something about it was symbolic. I can't say I have never known anyone as smart or as understanding as her, and I saw her as someone truly comparable to me. Through my own foolishness, all of the relationships fell apart, and now I'm in a place where it seems completely futile to begin to try anything again.
🞄 From the people presently around me: Lately God has given me to see that this world is absoulutely on the verge of ending. I never jumped to this conclusion; even since I the first time I perceived from the scriptures that it all adds up, I wrestled with that spirit and held out in scepticism until about now. No one else put this idea in me, I figured it purley from reading the scriptures and comparing them to the world, and until I started encountering you other brothers, I felt like I was one of the only people in the world with a truly strong case for why the world is about to end. I prophesized, then doubted the prophecy I spoke. I teetered on the logic of whether I'm truly a saint or a false prophet, and my faith became reduced to a sparse hope. I've been trying to warn the people I live with, but it seems that they don't listen and I'm very weary for their souls. I love my dad and he's who's been supporting me, but he claims to be in love with world and says he isn't ready to depart from the world. My mom seems to have made up her own ideas about things and resists the evidence I bring up with scripture. They all beleive in Jesus and are more or less ignorant of the world beyond what it presents to them on its surface, so I mainly hope the word in Rev. 2:24 applies to them. I know they have attributes to their charachter that I would be repentant of.
My soul has been greviously broken up by all I've been through, and for a long time I've felt like I'm having what I call 'onset schizophrenia', long before intrusive voices started effecting my thoughts. They're here now, but faint and managable, and haven't entirely conviced me they're not just figments of my own paranoia; but they're the only voices that 'speak to me', they're the only voices who would know who I truly am.
I can't promise any of you that I truly feel affection for what you write, because I can't say I know for sure what direct affection truly feels like. All I know is that reading into and following along with you people has given me a way to help me feel like I might be getting closer to that warm light.
Again I want to appreciate and thank all of you, even moreso now than when I began writing this, because I know it is being read by those who can know and thoughtfully understand - and hopefully it will help put an end to the creeping self-absorbtion inside me - help me escape this bitterness I've been consumed by.
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