Doomed to be single?

icequeen · May 28, 2020

Why are there so many single Christians and why are a single Christian so difficult to find?

So many say they are lovely.

So many even say they are miserable.

Why can't God call the lonely people together and make us more whole and in line with what was intended at the creation.

Can being single really be a blessing?

Well. I have free access to the remote control, but no one to watch a good movie with.

This is not a dating site. Oh. I know. And this is not an attempt to find myself a husband. I guess that project has failed. So I find myself doomed to be single.

Lanolin · May 28, 2020

um...Do a doomsday watch party on Facebook?

I think ppl are just staying in their own bubbles cos of you know...the virus. Now is not the time to be swapping spit.

God did call all His people together in book of Acts they all gathered in the upper room and were given the Holy Spirit. So, am not sure what you mean. Im not half, Im whole.

if the angels are happy in heaven being unmarried, then Im ok with that. And if we are going to be all as angels in heaven, then we are all 'doomed' too.

Going_Nowhere · May 28, 2020

Maybe you're looking at it the wrong way.

laughingheart · May 28, 2020

I appreciate your honesty. I'm single too and it is difficult if you crave companionship. Some of us feel wired to nurture. I can only speak for myself. I do a couple of things. I try to practice gratitude in terms of what is good about being single. I know this has been brought up before but the second part is to find a way to channel that need to give and to care. at our church we had some sermons about finding our calling. I think when I focus on that, finding the things I was designed to do, it gives another layer of fulfillment. I don't feel so lost. I have a purpose. Finding ways to love on people also helps me. After service I'd look around for people that seemed to be on their own or standing by themselves. I ended up with a wonderful friend from that, introduced her to some of my other friends and now she is working for one of them! We all got blessed.
I wish I had arms to hold me so, at least before Covid, I would hugs those who needed it. Does it mean I don't miss certain things? No, but I ask God for peace and a lot of the time I have it. Please don't think I'm minimizing your pain. I went through a spot this winter where it hurt to breath I was so lonely. The depression was severe. Even being able to come here and joke around on "Last post wins", and a rescue from God. All I'm saying is that sometimes that ache can drive us to be at the places God needs us to be. He is not making us hurt but he can make it work for good. Hugs sister, laughingheart

cinder · May 28, 2020

icequeen said:

Let's see, if we take the premise that there are a lot of single Christians as true (I think it could be debated but we'll save that for another time), I think there are several reasons. First there are just plain more single adults in the world than there used to be because marriage is in effect no longer necessary or binding. As for single Christians I think we probably use very different criteria to determine who is a single Christian when we're thinking demographics vs thinking about potential dating and marriage partners. From the stories I heard it sounds like you don't have to date too many "Christians" before you realize that a lot of them don't hold or seek to obey the same standards of sexual purity, Godly character, or other aspects of a Christian life that you do. And single Christians are also hard to find because many of us find church to be difficult, especially once we get past about 35 and everyone in church our age is absorbed in raising families and it takes a lot of work to make even a few connections in the church (and that's a good church situation, let alone some of the bad ones where people treat you as a second class member of the church because you aren't married or in a family).

Singleness definitely has its challenges but so does marriage (and relationships too for that matter). And we certainly mislead ourselves if we compare the difficulties of singleness to the joys of marriage. And honestly every time I'm around dysfunction in romantic relationships (and my little brother is still trying to figure out how to get out of his mess of a relationship or what remains of it) I count myself super blessed to be single. I have no doubt that being single is far better than being in a bad relationship.

I think one of the hardest things for me about being single was pointed out really well in the recent book I read (7 myths about singleness, highly recommended) where the author said that as a single he'd come to realize that he is not as important to his friends as they are to him, simple because when you're single friends are kind of all you've got and when you're in a relationship / married your significant other is by far the most significant person in your world. And so some of the unpleasant realities of the single life are that we are usually going to be the intiators for getting together with our friends and we're usually going to be the ones travelling because one travels easier than 2+. But we can also learn the art of being a good guest and taking the time to pay attention and connect to our friends in a way their other friends with family concerns probably can't and find ourselves welcome in many homes. I haven't gotten there yet, but it's good to start thinking of ways to play to the advantages of singleness and find our place rather than just think of ourselves as the unmarried or unwanted.

laughingheart · May 28, 2020

laughingheart said:

I appreciate your honesty. I'm single too and it is difficult if you crave companionship. Some of us feel wired to nurture. I can only speak for myself. I do a couple of things. I try to practice gratitude in terms of what is good about being single. I know this has been brought up before but the second part is to find a way to channel that need to give and to care. at our church we had some sermons about finding our calling. I think when I focus on that, finding the things I was designed to do, it gives another layer of fulfillment. I don't feel so lost. I have a purpose. Finding ways to love on people also helps me. After service I'd look around for people that seemed to be on their own or standing by themselves. I ended up with a wonderful friend from that, introduced her to some of my other friends and now she is working for one of them! We all got blessed.
I wish I had arms to hold me so, at least before Covid, I would hugs those who needed it. Does it mean I don't miss certain things? No, but I ask God for peace and a lot of the time I have it. Please don't think I'm minimizing your pain. I went through a spot this winter where it hurt to breath I was so lonely. The depression was severe. Even being able to come here and joke around on "Last post wins", and a rescue from God. All I'm saying is that sometimes that ache can drive us to be at the places God needs us to be. He is not making us hurt but he can make it work for good. Hugs sister, laughingheart

Sorry about the typo. I meant to say ""Last post wins" was a rescue from God."

cv5 · May 28, 2020

icequeen said:

Paul was single. Mary never remarried. If you care to notice, there is not one single solitary marriage between Christians noted in all the Bible. Furthermore, there is no command to marry in the NT. Why? Because we have heavenly priorities, a heavenly calling. And we are ALREADY married to Jesus Messiah.

Lynx · May 28, 2020

Going_Nowhere said:

I don't usually even bother with reactions.

And that has a cuss word in it.

But I still had to give an "agree" reaction to that one. Mostly because right now I'm sitting in front of my computer, doing whatever I want... which is currently catching up on the forum on my internet computer and playing Risen 2 on my music making computer.

christian74 · May 28, 2020

cv5 said:

While I am a firm believer to tell it like it is according to the Bible, I feel like you are missing the point.
I can empathize where the OP is coming from and also do feel her frustration.
If she gets encouraged from your post, that's great - but do feel your post was like a dad who's sternly telling his 8 year old daughter that she should focus on helping her younger siblings when the daughter just shared with you how she's feeling neglected as your child. While she may feel neglected, when she's being well-taken care of in fact, and that could be her own thought and perception, what she needs is not reminding her of the duty as a first child to her siblings but rather something more personable and approachable.

Magenta · May 28, 2020

cv5 said:

Paul may have been a widower

And there are married Christian couples in the NT, with quite a few verses concerning marriage

tourist · May 28, 2020

icequeen said:

Regarding 'this is not a dating site" might be debatable. I read a few of your poems and felt sad inside for you.

tourist · May 28, 2020

laughingheart said:

I enjoy typo's. I just read the first version, then the corrected second version and honestly couldn't really tell the difference.

blueluna5 · May 28, 2020

icequeen said:

I've played the waiting game many times in my life. Not sure the lesson but I haven't learned it. Probably patience.

What I've learned is you can feel 2 emotions at the same time. So while you're happy in the moment, you're also miserable bc you miss having that other person. Fear makes it even worse bc you fear it won't ever happen. That is not from God.

Essentially you need to let go of the control. Let go either way and don't dwell on having or not having. You do that by finding a focus... Ideally God of course but you can be really creative with it. Drawing, painting, playing music, reading faith based stories, etc. Something distracting and that keeps your focus.

Whenever I did that I noticed the desires would just come to me. I was playing the violin when my ex drove to see me, I was in drawing class in college when a new date approached.

I painted a room of my house and thought it would make a great nursery color but didn't dwell on it (we went through 5 years infertility before). Had my first 2 lucid dreams that night. They were so real and I started flying in my dreams and creating things. I created a nursery in my dream and held a baby.

My husband and I had a dream on the same night at the same time I was pregnant. We ended up having a baby boy and I used the painted room in real life.

My point is though it sucks there are amazing things out there to learn and add to your life. At the very least your future guy will find it interesting. Lol Even though I hated going through it at the time, I wouldn't take away what I discovered. I became so close to God I could quite literally hear his voice (as you do in dreams). He would tell me things and the future things. God is near to the broken hearted.

kinda · May 28, 2020

icequeen said:

Doomed? Doomed you say? Why you say, Doomed? Maybe a guy can watch t.v. by himself, why does he need company to be hypnotized by constant advertisements, and watch questionable content?

If people truly want to be married, why not practice serving? Just imagine if you helped 5 people a month, you know, like did chores for them and refusing to be paid. Cutting the grass, baby sitting, dishes, and cook for elderly. If you did that for one year, you pretty much sold 60 people that you're a fantastic person, and you need to meet one of their single family members or friends.

Those 60 people probably know at least two single people that need to meet you, because you did such an awesome job with a chore. You know you have a servant's heart? If you think marriage is just watching t.v. every night, your in for a big surprise.

laughingheart said:

laughingheart, know tipos alawd on CeeSea, itis the rulz.

icequeen · May 29, 2020

Thank you all for replying. I know you are all coming from different walks of life, and you have peace with that.

But not all of us have that peace. Either you play the role of the abandoned husband waiting for the wife to come back after years of waiting, or the wife left behind after the husband traded her in for a younger model the ache is real and the need for healing is also a reality.

As for me, I have been married. And I should have been married again, if the groom hadn't made a mess out of things. He had his reasons, and it was possibly for the best.

As for doing chores for others, as someone suggested. Good thought in a different setting. Here culture plays a part, but also some restrictions due to health issues. I do have a servant's heart. And I do serve. At work, with people I meet and in Christian fellowship. I just want to serve with a husband by my side...

Yesterday I was struck with loneliness. It happens. I vented. And I appreciate your response. Perhaps by doing so, some found comfort in not being alone in their own struggles, some found themselves being blessed for being above these kind of emotions, and some managed to get another perspective on their own life.

I hope this thread is a blessing for some and probably an amusement to others. It is a blessing for me, at least.

A friend told me yesterday that loneliness is a fiery dart from the enemy. He is right. And it should be treated as such. But I still would like to share my life with someone. Not to watch TV with, but to serve and worship and do all those chores that life is full of.

kinda · May 29, 2020

icequeen said:

If you were married before and almost married a second time, both times there were reasons of a break up. Were they the same reasons, or different reasons? Something to think about and ponder. If they were basically the same reason, than maybe it's time to take a step back.

Honestly, I don't think you are being completely genuine overall. First you say, "I have free access to the remote control, but no one to watch a good movie with", than you say, "Not to watch TV with." Which is it? It doesn't really matter, not trying to interrogate you at all, your lonely and that's the bottom line.

Your sentiment is well received here, they are many that share your frustrations of being single. Obviously, not all are interested in getting married on CC. I think marriage has been sold out, and no longer has any real meaning in today's Western society. If you look at the divorce rate in modern societies, it's about 50%.

Many are choosing to ditch marriage and just live together, than when a baby is born they decide it's time to get married. After which there is a normally a huge financial or emotional break down and people split up. "Until death do us part", yeah right! More like, until I'm fed up, and can't take it anymore.

People love to play the blame game, but rarely accept the fact, that is most likely their own fault. How can you not blame yourself on a failed marriage? Is it only the other person's fault when the relationship goes sour? Marriage is more like exclusively dating now, but it's far from the original design.

icequeen · May 29, 2020

kinda said:

Well. TV is a big part of killing time when I am single, I have to admit that. But really, I don't see why you are attacking me on that point. TV should be a minor part of your life, but marriage is also about sharing experiences. Also TV.

I was married 10 years to a man living in a neighbouring country. He was violent, angry and had an issue with alcohol. I had to leave because I needed to protect my child against that violence. I didn't divorce him, but he asked for a divorce when he had made another woman pregnant. My fault was that we got married in the first place. I should have seen his alohol abuse and his temper, but I was too young and unexperienced to have the courage to leave.

The cancelled wedding was because the African man I was supposed to get married to, lied about his financial situation, and didn't have the money to come in time for our wedding. Furthermore, he posted a fundraising campaign online with my picture and diagnosis, so that he could get money to travel here and buy me the ring. I bailed him out and asked the site to close the thread. He has ghosted me since September.

I would say those are two different stories, and I find it unfair to be judged for neither.

Perhaps I am not genuine. But I think most people can tell I am honest. I don't write this to justify myself, and I am forgiven by God for both. I hope you can be without judging me, too.

kinda · May 29, 2020

icequeen said:

Every one makes mistakes, there is no question. If quoting your contrary statements is judging, than sorry for paying attention on what your writing. It seems like your doomed to pick men with serious character flaws (red flags), and are not thinking things through. I would definitely encourage you to discuss any possible future relationships with your pastor, your dad, or someone with a track record of having a successful marriage. Do not trust your own understanding on relationships of the opposite sex, it has been proven a complete failure.

I will gladly see myself out of the thread, it seems clear you think I'm attacking you (which wasn't my intention at all, but we live in a society that loves to play the victim. See the Adam and Eve story in Genesis. Adam blames Eve, Eve blames the Serpent, nobody admits to their own fault), and I'm not a really a huge fan of the general topic anyways. If you you do come in the singles forum regularly, you will very likely see new (weekly) threads of very similar content. It's just hard for me to ignore the same discussion, over, and over, and over, and over, and over again. This was an effort to try to join in the discussion, which seems to be counterproductive to the the original poster.

tourist · May 29, 2020

icequeen said:

Thank you all for replying. I know you are all coming from different walks of life, and you have peace with that.

But not all of us have that peace. Either you play the role of the abandoned husband waiting for the wife to come back after years of waiting, or the wife left behind after the husband traded her in for a younger model the ache is real and the need for healing is also a reality.

As for me, I have been married. And I should have been married again, if the groom hadn't made a mess out of things. He had his reasons, and it was possibly for the best.

As for doing chores for others, as someone suggested. Good thought in a different setting. Here culture plays a part, but also some restrictions due to health issues. I do have a servant's heart. And I do serve. At work, with people I meet and in Christian fellowship. I just want to serve with a husband by my side...

Yesterday I was struck with loneliness. It happens. I vented. And I appreciate your response. Perhaps by doing so, some found comfort in not being alone in their own struggles, some found themselves being blessed for being above these kind of emotions, and some managed to get another perspective on their own life.

I hope this thread is a blessing for some and probably an amusement to others. It is a blessing for me, at least.

A friend told me yesterday that loneliness is a fiery dart from the enemy. He is right. And it should be treated as such. But I still would like to share my life with someone. Not to watch TV with, but to serve and worship and do all those chores that life is full of.

About the TV thing, perhaps setting aside one night a week for movie night at home snuggled close to your honey. He probably wouldn't even mind if you chose a chick flick. Popcorn.

tourist · May 29, 2020

icequeen said:

You are most definitely genuine and credible. My sense is that the cancelled wedding, even though you got your heart broken, was actually a blessing in disguise from God. Personally, I don't know why you would need forgiveness from God but perhaps God will give you closure that will enable you to move forward in a positive direction in your life. My first marriage years ago was a horror show. My fault for making a poor choice for a wife and neglecting to consult God for His opinion. 6 1/2 years of physical, mental, and verbal abuse. I paid for my crime dearly. **it happens. Live and learn.

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