Divorce?

[SonshineLady]

You're making a judgment call about the OP. You are saying she is 100% to blame for the marriage issues. The husband has no responsibility? The Bible says that each spouse belongs to the other,their body is not their own. The husband is wrong to refuse counseling and he's wrong if he is refusing sex,which I assume is what is happening. That's according to the Bible. If he has health issues,if he has emotional issues, then it's HIS responsibility to go for help. It's not up to her to try and pull it out of him. She's not his mommy. He's an adult and his wife is begging him, literally, to go for help. She is doing her part. He is in the wrong for refusing to go. He is the one being selfish. My husband and I agreed before we married that if either of us had an issue we would be willing to go to counseling to save the marriage. That's what adults do. If my spouse was telling me they were on the way out the door if I didn't go to counseling my happy butt would be in counseling until the issues were solved,period.

Exactly.

 

[GHW1776]

its sad to see how much misinformation there is here. The way i see it, if you divorce you better stay that way. As humans who are flawed beyond what we admit, we are greatly capable of convincing ourselves what we are about to do, doing, or have done is perfectly okay. Remember the enemy twisted the bible to tempt Jesus. We do that to ourselves every day. No where does it say in the bible is happiness important or even necessary. Happiness is a fleeting moment, a feeling that everyone hangs on to and use to justify their sin.

Joy is what you should seek. many people in the bible dealt with unhappiness for years. They cried out to god but they always trusted him. Stop talking about abuse becuase it has become such a perversion of what it really is. Pray, get on your knees and pray to God and trust in him. Dont ask anyone here, dont trust in our falwed understanding or flawed emotions. Trust in God, lean on him and be obedient to him.

 

[NotmebutHim]

its sad to see how much misinformation there is here. The way i see it, if you divorce you better stay that way. As humans who are flawed beyond what we admit, we are greatly capable of convincing ourselves what we are about to do, doing, or have done is perfectly okay. Remember the enemy twisted the bible to tempt Jesus. We do that to ourselves every day. No where does it say in the bible is happiness important or even necessary. Happiness is a fleeting moment, a feeling that everyone hangs on to and use to justify their sin.

Joy is what you should seek. many people in the bible dealt with unhappiness for years. They cried out to god but they always trusted him. Stop talking about abuse becuase it has become such a perversion of what it really is. Pray, get on your knees and pray to God and trust in him. Dont ask anyone here, dont trust in our falwed understanding or flawed emotions. Trust in God, lean on him and be obedient to him.

Two things I agree with from this post:

1. Twisting Scripture to make it say what we want it to say

2. Stretching the definition of abuse to include anything that is uncomfortable in a relationship.

 

[inukubo]

I agree, you can’t help him. My question to you is how does he have so much power over your self worth? How does he spend his time? Do you have any other interests? Friends? Family? Work? Is your whole identity invested in being a wife? When I got married my wife was so vibrant and enjoyed going for walks and visiting friends and family. She loved keeping the house clean and doing things that made her feel energized. She loved going to church and Bible studies. She enjoyed cooking and laughed a lot. Now she doesn’t do any of that stuff. Everything is a chore. Before she was automatically happy unless something severe caused her mood to shift. Now she starts the day moody and waits for something to make her happy. She would like to blame me and say it’s because I don’t love her enough but something robbed her joy and it wasn’t me. It’s just hard to be around someone who constantly needs reassurance just to feel any self worth. It’s literally exhausting having to be a cheerleader just to avoid her moodiness. We had our twentieth year anniversary this year. Many, many times she made comments like yourself. She thinks she is an ideal wife and mother. If you try to make one comment that may be contrary to this and it’s a disaster. The last thing she needs is for this image to be questioned in counseling. I seriously believe it would trigger a psychotic break. Are you open to the possibility that maybe you need to make some changes? I’m not accusing, just asking.

This sounds very familiar. I would suggest that nothing "changed" with your wife, that it was instead a mask. A role she was playing to get what she wanted. Then when she won the "prize" -- marriage, you, escape from her mother, whatever -- she dropped the mask and showed you her true colors. I say this, because I've been there and am living this nightmare too.

 

[inukubo]

You assume a lot. Yes, husbands are to love their wives. But where in scripture does it say that if they don't, the woman is free to divorce him? Seems like that would be returning evil for evil. In fact, 1 Peter 3:1 tells us that if we have an unbelieving husband, he can be won over without words, by the behavior of his wife.

You're right, I'm not in a loveless marriage. I can't imagine how hard it would be (which is what I meant by not giving up just because the marriage is hard). My heart hurts for OP. Yet, we have an example in God with how we're to respond: Forgive and forgive and forgive, right? Love is patient and doesn't give up, yes? God is our best example...he loves us even when we are "emotionally detached" or "cold". And with that love, he slowly wins us over. OP still has the chance to do the same with her husband.

Love is a choice, not just a feeling.

Long story short, as other posters have said, God HATES divorce and being unhappy in ones marriage isn't a legitimate reason to end a marriage.

Funny. These are the same "biblical" arguments that abusers use to justify their abuse and keep their victims under their thumbs.

 

[JohnR7]

I’m just tired of living a lie, pretending to be happy and being more lonely than if I was actually alone. I miss love honestly.

This is a recipe for disaster. I think the lie is that you will find what you are looking for with someone else. Loving people attract love. It is not what we want and need but what we have to offer others.

 

[Hungry]

This is a recipe for disaster. I think the lie is that you will find what you are looking for with someone else. Loving people attract love. It is not what we want and need but what we have to offer others.

Missinglove has been missing for about a year. I find it funny when these old threads return but the OPs didn’t.

 

[Hungry]

This sounds very familiar. I would suggest that nothing "changed" with your wife, that it was instead a mask. A role she was playing to get what she wanted. Then when she won the "prize" -- marriage, you, escape from her mother, whatever -- she dropped the mask and showed you her true colors. I say this, because I've been there and am living this nightmare too.

Sorry to hear your marriage is less than ideal. I don’t think it’s a mask, at least in my case. My wife has extremely imbalanced hormones. She also has difficulty sacrificing the momentary pleasure for a greater good in the future, in many areas. Regardless, the “wilderness” that sometimes we are led into can either be a duration of self pity or a opportunity to fortify oneself and seek the Lord with diligence. Perspective is everything. If I had the wife of my dreams, she probably would have been sick of me by now and quite possibly been on a Christian website seeking counsel for her loser husband. It is adversity that makes us strong and comfort that makes us weak. The perfect woman might have made me too comfortable and weak.

 

[KhedetOrthos]

I don’t take it likely...if I did I would have left a long time ago. I’ve been unhappy for years. While I appreciate and respect your response this is far from me being selfish. My husband totally changed when we got married. We became friends/ roommates that’s it. I’ve begged him to go to counseling with me he refuses I’ve asked him to see a Dr he refuses. I wanted children badly and he knew this before we got married. I try to talk to him he won’t talk about it. While I don’t believe in divorce I don’t believe I should have to live this way either.

One or the major flaws of modern Christianity is that God wants us to be rich, healthy, and happy. Millions of Christian martyrs would disagree. God wants us to be faithful. In your case, since you aren’t being betrayed or abused, that involves staying in your marriage. That is your cross to bear.

 

[Lanolin]

I wonder if OP has come back.
I cant only say what I observe it sounds like hes afraid to have children and doesnt want to talk about it.
what about adopting, would he be opposed to that as well?

Im not sure why people just suddenly change the moment they get married. It makes me question why they get married at all... ? If its a marriage of convenience, why not just be upfront about that.

I hope the OP has sought the Lord about this.

 

[Lanolin]

My only other hunch from what I read is if the husband is not showing affection for his own wife then he may be thinking about someone else.
Thats adultery and grounds for divorce. The thing is, other than catching him in the act he needs to confess it.

Just say, Im sorry but if you want to be with someone else, I cannot continue in this marriage.