Divorce?

[AxeElf]

You're making a judgment call about the OP. You are saying she is 100% to blame for the marriage issues.

Please cite the post in which I said she is 100% to blame for the marriage issues.

The husband has no responsibility?

Of course he does, but I'm not talking to him--I'm talking to the person who created the post. And since she can't control what he does, only what she does, it makes no sense for me to talk about what HE could do differently, especially not without hearing his side of the story.

I only know that worrying less about what we GET from a relationship and more about what we GIVE to a relationship tends to help strengthen relationships.

The husband is wrong to refuse counseling and he's wrong if he is refusing sex,which I assume is what is happening.

Maybe you should stop accusing me of making judgment calls while you're making assumptions.

You're right, of course, if that is happening, but so far, she has not described that as a problem. Again, though, it would be more profitable to act in love and try to understand the husband's difficulties with intimacy as a first step in working toward a solution with him, rather than just getting all pouty when we don't get what we want.

And I'm saying that in the general sense, not assuming that she is doing that (since I'm not even assuming that he is withholding sex).

If he has health issues,if he has emotional issues, then it's HIS responsibility to go for help. It's not up to her to try and pull it out of him. She's not his mommy. He's an adult and his wife is begging him, literally, to go for help. She is doing her part. He is in the wrong for refusing to go. He is the one being selfish.

Her part is to support him, no matter what difficulties he may be going through--in sickness and in health, remember?--even if it means that she's not getting what she wants out of the relationship.

 

[Didymous]

We did date 2 years...2 years and 6 months actually

I guess I wasn't clear. I was told to know someone-without dating-for two years. I've never done that, so i'm not speaking from experience.

 

[Boxinglover123cake]

I'm very young and new to the word of God but from what I have read God hates divorce and makes it very clear. Has something happened to your husband while married that maybe changed him ? In your vows to your husband and to God you said for better or for worse. What if your husband changes for the better than gets sick and his mood and the way he acts changes again for the worst . Are you going to divorce him ?. My sister had a friend who separated from her husband for 2 years and waited for him to be saved and refused to divorce and to see other people and the lady was pretty. Yet she followed god orders and from what heard now they have a baby boy. You seemed to want to divorce before separating that seems a little odd especially since your trying to change your husband. I don't Jude anyone and honestly I'm igonrant as I just started reading my Bible but I also know following God's word can be difficult and not always easy but it's the correct way and that leads to the ultimate happiness.

 

[Hungry]

Just reaching out to anyone who’s recently divorced or considering it. How do you know it’s the right thing to do? My story is long so I won’t bore anyone but I’m very unhappily married. I don’t believe in divorce but I feel I’ve tried everything to make my marriage work. I’ve placed it in God’s hands at this point but I don’t honestly feel it can be saved. I’m just tired of living a lie, pretending to be happy and being more lonely than if I was actually alone. I miss love honestly.

Hello and welcome. Not to be insensitive but since you sound a bit like my wife, maybe I can offer some insight. Perhaps your husband doesn’t go to counseling because he doesn’t want to hurt your feelings. My wife really doesn’t want to know what is wrong with our marriage. She just thinks I should lavish her with all kinds of attention and affection. Perhaps if somebody wants to be adored as such, they need to find what their husband finds adorable. Being needy is far from adorable. Sorry but it isn’t. If you want your husband to love you, then concern yourself with his needs. I fell in love with my wife because she made me feel like I was the best version of me. I felt like if I was a ship, she was the sail. Since we got married, I improved myself and want more out of life and she just wants to stagnate. Now she’s more like an anchor. Harsh but true. That’s fine, I’ve accepted it but sure she still wants me to see her as the woman of my dreams. I try to be sensitive to her needs but her needs are overwhelming at times. I don’t know if this helped, but there is also the possibility your husband is depressed also.

 

[MissingLove]

Greetings sister. My name is Timothy and If I may suggest. https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLfrVAhBCOWAniDGUshBg34_oOtT3PcI_n
I love this Ministry for marriage advice. They helped me. Its good to here from people who have overcome. Even if just to know your on the right track with the right heart. Following Messiahs Example.
Blessings

Thank you....I appreciate it. I will definitely check it out.

 

[MissingLove]

You're making a judgment call about the OP. You are saying she is 100% to blame for the marriage issues. The husband has no responsibility? The Bible says that each spouse belongs to the other,their body is not their own. The husband is wrong to refuse counseling and he's wrong if he is refusing sex,which I assume is what is happening. That's according to the Bible. If he has health issues,if he has emotional issues, then it's HIS responsibility to go for help. It's not up to her to try and pull it out of him. She's not his mommy. He's an adult and his wife is begging him, literally, to go for help. She is doing her part. He is in the wrong for refusing to go. He is the one being selfish. My husband and I agreed before we married that if either of us had an issue we would be willing to go to counseling to save the marriage. That's what adults do. If my spouse was telling me they were on the way out the door if I didn't go to counseling my happy butt would be in counseling until the issues were solved,period.

Thank you so much!!! This is exactly how I’ve been feeling. If the roles were reversed he would only have to ask me once. I’d be doing whatever I needed to, to try and work on things not make him beg me for years and refuse.

 

[MissingLove]

I'd recommend watching the YouTube videos with Patrick Boyle. He's a Christian counselor in Oregon. His material is available through the channel TheDoveTV on YT. If nothing else, his material will give you some pointers for your own path.

Thank you I will check them out

 

[melita916]

i still consider myself a newlywed, so i know i don't have a lot of experience. i tried to read the entire thread, but i don't remember all the info you already shared. forgive me if i'm repeating questions.

if i read correctly, you 2 dated for over 2 years before getting married. I'm assuming your husband didn't act this way while you were dating. did he change right after getting married? if not, are you able to remember when it happened? was there a big life change like loss of a job or family member?

the only advice i can give is asking the Holy Spirit for guidance and discernment. do you attend a local fellowship? if you haven't done so, reach out to the ladies for prayer.

 

[MissingLove]

Hello and welcome. Not to be insensitive but since you sound a bit like my wife, maybe I can offer some insight. Perhaps your husband doesn’t go to counseling because he doesn’t want to hurt your feelings. My wife really doesn’t want to know what is wrong with our marriage. She just thinks I should lavish her with all kinds of attention and affection. Perhaps if somebody wants to be adored as such, they need to find what their husband finds adorable. Being needy is far from adorable. Sorry but it isn’t. If you want your husband to love you, then concern yourself with his needs. I fell in love with my wife because she made me feel like I was the best version of me. I felt like if I was a ship, she was the sail. Since we got married, I improved myself and want more out of life and she just wants to stagnate. Now she’s more like an anchor. Harsh but true. That’s fine, I’ve accepted it but sure she still wants me to see her as the woman of my dreams. I try to be sensitive to her needs but her needs are overwhelming at times. I don’t know if this helped, but there is also the possibility your husband is depressed also.

If he’s depressed he needs to seek help. This hasn’t just been going on for a few months....it’s been 10 years. I think I’ve been quite unselfish. He can’t hurt me with anything he does or days anymore than he already has. He’s broken my spirit and me emotionally as a person. I would help him in anyway I can and have offered hundreds of times but I can’t help someone who doesn’t want it.

 

[kaylagrl]

Thank you so much!!! This is exactly how I’ve been feeling. If the roles were reversed he would only have to ask me once. I’d be doing whatever I needed to, to try and work on things not make him beg me for years and refuse.

Before God he committed to make the marriage work as much as you did. He is responsible for his part of the relationship. You have let him know there is an issue. You are willing to work with him on the issue and go for help. He is the one who is holding the relationship hostage. If he doesn't want to lose you he can prove it with his actions. Love is an action. He is the head of the home spiritually and he is falling down on his commitment. I just felt like you needed some encouragement. I hope your husband wakes up before it's too late and he loses you.

 

[kaylagrl]

If he’s depressed he needs to seek help. This hasn’t just been going on for a few months....it’s been 10 years. I think I’ve been quite unselfish. He can’t hurt me with anything he does or days anymore than he already has. He’s broken my spirit and me emotionally as a person. I would help him in anyway I can and have offered hundreds of times but I can’t help someone who doesn’t want it.

You've kept up your end of the relationship. If he loves you he will do the same. You should not have to beg him. I had a girlfriend that had a similar issue. She begged her husband for years to go for help or just talk to her. He wouldn't budge. He gained weight,sat in front of the tv and let her do everything,raise the kids,go to work,she did it all. One day she had enough and walked out on him. He still refused to accept he had any responsibility in the relationship and she moved on. He died this past year all alone when he could have had his wife by his side. She loved him, she'd have done anything for him but he refused to change. His loss. And he knew it once she left and it was his turn to beg her to come back. It takes two people to make a marriage work. You are only responsible for you. You've done your part now it's up to him.

 

[kaylagrl]

Please cite the post in which I said she is 100% to blame for the marriage issues.



Of course he does, but I'm not talking to him--I'm talking to the person who created the post. And since she can't control what he does, only what she does, it makes no sense for me to talk about what HE could do differently, especially not without hearing his side of the story.

I only know that worrying less about what we GET from a relationship and more about what we GIVE to a relationship tends to help strengthen relationships.



Maybe you should stop accusing me of making judgment calls while you're making assumptions.

You're right, of course, if that is happening, but so far, she has not described that as a problem. Again, though, it would be more profitable to act in love and try to understand the husband's difficulties with intimacy as a first step in working toward a solution with him, rather than just getting all pouty when we don't get what we want.

And I'm saying that in the general sense, not assuming that she is doing that (since I'm not even assuming that he is withholding sex).



Her part is to support him, no matter what difficulties he may be going through--in sickness and in health, remember?--even if it means that she's not getting what she wants out of the relationship.

Please cite the post in which I said she is 100% to blame for the marriage issues.



Of course he does, but I'm not talking to him--I'm talking to the person who created the post. And since she can't control what he does, only what she does, it makes no sense for me to talk about what HE could do differently, especially not without hearing his side of the story.

I only know that worrying less about what we GET from a relationship and more about what we GIVE to a relationship tends to help strengthen relationships.



Maybe you should stop accusing me of making judgment calls while you're making assumptions.

You're right, of course, if that is happening, but so far, she has not described that as a problem. Again, though, it would be more profitable to act in love and try to understand the husband's difficulties with intimacy as a first step in working toward a solution with him, rather than just getting all pouty when we don't get what we want.

And I'm saying that in the general sense, not assuming that she is doing that (since I'm not even assuming that he is withholding sex).



Her part is to support him, no matter what difficulties he may be going through--in sickness and in health, remember?--even if it means that she's not getting what she wants out of the relationship.

Humm something odd in the post. I can only see your reply and not mine so I'm going to try and wing it here.

1. I don't see where you didn't blame her. Nor do I see where you said he has any responsibility. All I see is you saying she's selfish and that is a judgement call.

2. In a healthy relationship your spouse gives to you and you give back to them. There is no relationship that is going to continue to work and be happy and healthy if only one person is doing all the giving. Doesn't matter how nice a person you are,after a while you're going to start to resent the other person. Marriage is a partnership.

3.We'll throw that over to the OP but to me she seemed to be describing a sexless marriage. If I'm wrong,I'll say so. She has tried to understand him for 10 yrs. If you have a marriage issue that can't be solved in a few months you ought to go to your pastor or a counselor for help. You do not allow your marriage to fall apart. Your partner cannot guess what your issues are. Speak up or go for help.

4. She has supported him for 10yrs. You have a responsibility before God, your body is not your own. You don't just get to sit and let your marriage fall apart. She has begged him to go for help and he refuses. He has no excuse. If you have a health issue you go for help. You don't deny your partner intimacy for 10 yrs. That person loses self confidence,they fell rejected,they doubt that they are loved and they turn inward. Her husband is wrong. There is no excuse not to go for help. Stop blaming her. He needs to man up and take some responsibility.

 

[LadyInWaiting]

You've kept up your end of the relationship. If he loves you he will do the same. You should not have to beg him. I had a girlfriend that had a similar issue. She begged her husband for years to go for help or just talk to her. He wouldn't budge. He gained weight,sat in front of the tv and let her do everything,raise the kids,go to work,she did it all. One day she had enough and walked out on him. He still refused to accept he had any responsibility in the relationship and she moved on. He died this past year all alone when he could have had his wife by his side. She loved him, she'd have done anything for him but he refused to change. His loss. And he knew it once she left and it was his turn to beg her to come back. It takes two people to make a marriage work. You are only responsible for you. You've done your part now it's up to him.

Wow that is so sad...I have a family member who is going through the same exact thing right now. All the man does is eat and watch tv while she works longer hours and raises the kids. It's insane!
You know how they say Christians can only get a divorce if they commit adultery? Well doesn't the man in your example commit adultery in a different form? By choosing tv, food and basically his fleshy desires over his own family. Maybe I'm wrong for saying this and I hope God tells me if I am wrong...but I really do think that that is grounds for divorce too. He is cheating on her just in a different sort of way.

 

[kaylagrl]

I'm very young and new to the word of God but from what I have read God hates divorce and makes it very clear. Has something happened to your husband while married that maybe changed him ? In your vows to your husband and to God you said for better or for worse. What if your husband changes for the better than gets sick and his mood and the way he acts changes again for the worst . Are you going to divorce him ?. My sister had a friend who separated from her husband for 2 years and waited for him to be saved and refused to divorce and to see other people and the lady was pretty. Yet she followed god orders and from what heard now they have a baby boy. You seemed to want to divorce before separating that seems a little odd especially since your trying to change your husband. I don't Jude anyone and honestly I'm igonrant as I just started reading my Bible but I also know following God's word can be difficult and not always easy but it's the correct way and that leads to the ultimate happiness.

I disagree with divorce but there comes a time when it is a necessity. She is not trying to change her husband,she is reaching out and asking him to help fix their relationship. She has begged him to go for help. God doesn't expect a person to stay in an abusive marriage, whether physical or emotional. This woman has tried for ten years to fix their relationship and her husband refuses. We need a little less of blaming the woman here and little more of saying the man needs to step up,take responsibility for his part in the relationship and go for help.

 

[kaylagrl]

Hello and welcome. Not to be insensitive but since you sound a bit like my wife, maybe I can offer some insight. Perhaps your husband doesn’t go to counseling because he doesn’t want to hurt your feelings. My wife really doesn’t want to know what is wrong with our marriage. She just thinks I should lavish her with all kinds of attention and affection. Perhaps if somebody wants to be adored as such, they need to find what their husband finds adorable. Being needy is far from adorable. Sorry but it isn’t. If you want your husband to love you, then concern yourself with his needs. I fell in love with my wife because she made me feel like I was the best version of me. I felt like if I was a ship, she was the sail. Since we got married, I improved myself and want more out of life and she just wants to stagnate. Now she’s more like an anchor. Harsh but true. That’s fine, I’ve accepted it but sure she still wants me to see her as the woman of my dreams. I try to be sensitive to her needs but her needs are overwhelming at times. I don’t know if this helped, but there is also the possibility your husband is depressed also.

Going to counseling hurts no ones feelings. In fact they go out of their way not to play the blame game. There is no excuse for not going to get help. And it sounds like it would be a great help in your own marriage. You have to communicate and when that breaks down your marriage will not last long. You might be surprised at how things will improve if you go and see some help. No one needs to be miserable in a marriage.

 

[kaylagrl]

Wow that is so sad...I have a family member who is going through the same exact thing right now. All the man does is eat and watch tv while she works longer hours and raises the kids. It's insane!
You know how they say Christians can only get a divorce if they commit adultery? Well doesn't the man in your example commit adultery in a different form? By choosing tv, food and basically his fleshy desires over his own family. Maybe I'm wrong for saying this and I hope God tells me if I am wrong...but I really do think that that is grounds for divorce too. He is cheating on her just in a different sort of way.

Yes,emotional abuse is as bad as physical abuse and both are grounds for divorce. God does not expect anyone to stay in an abusive marriage.

 

[Hungry]

If he’s depressed he needs to seek help. This hasn’t just been going on for a few months....it’s been 10 years. I think I’ve been quite unselfish. He can’t hurt me with anything he does or days anymore than he already has. He’s broken my spirit and me emotionally as a person. I would help him in anyway I can and have offered hundreds of times but I can’t help someone who doesn’t want it.

I agree, you can’t help him. My question to you is how does he have so much power over your self worth? How does he spend his time? Do you have any other interests? Friends? Family? Work? Is your whole identity invested in being a wife? When I got married my wife was so vibrant and enjoyed going for walks and visiting friends and family. She loved keeping the house clean and doing things that made her feel energized. She loved going to church and Bible studies. She enjoyed cooking and laughed a lot. Now she doesn’t do any of that stuff. Everything is a chore. Before she was automatically happy unless something severe caused her mood to shift. Now she starts the day moody and waits for something to make her happy. She would like to blame me and say it’s because I don’t love her enough but something robbed her joy and it wasn’t me. It’s just hard to be around someone who constantly needs reassurance just to feel any self worth. It’s literally exhausting having to be a cheerleader just to avoid her moodiness. We had our twentieth year anniversary this year. Many, many times she made comments like yourself. She thinks she is an ideal wife and mother. If you try to make one comment that may be contrary to this and it’s a disaster. The last thing she needs is for this image to be questioned in counseling. I seriously believe it would trigger a psychotic break. Are you open to the possibility that maybe you need to make some changes? I’m not accusing, just asking.

 

[BarryCraig]

Just reaching out to anyone who’s recently divorced or considering it. How do you know it’s the right thing to do? My story is long so I won’t bore anyone but I’m very unhappily married. I don’t believe in divorce but I feel I’ve tried everything to make my marriage work. I’ve placed it in God’s hands at this point but I don’t honestly feel it can be saved. I’m just tired of living a lie, pretending to be happy and being more lonely than if I was actually alone. I miss love honestly.

Hi, I was in the exact same situation 12 years ago. It’s not easy especially with kids involved sweety.

 

[Hungry]

Going to counseling hurts no ones feelings. In fact they go out of their way not to play the blame game. There is no excuse for not going to get help. And it sounds like it would be a great help in your own marriage. You have to communicate and when that breaks down your marriage will not last long. You might be surprised at how things will improve if you go and see some help. No one needs to be miserable in a marriage.

I’m pretty convinced after one session I would get a divorce. My wife can’t take any criticism whatsoever. Everything is my fault. Always has been, always will be. I can assure you no therapist will convince her otherwise.

 

[kaylagrl]

I agree, you can’t help him. My question to you is how does he have so much power over your self worth? How does he spend his time? Do you have any other interests? Friends? Family? Work? Is your whole identity invested in being a wife? When I got married my wife was so vibrant and enjoyed going for walks and visiting friends and family. She loved keeping the house clean and doing things that made her feel energized. She loved going to church and Bible studies. She enjoyed cooking and laughed a lot. Now she doesn’t do any of that stuff. Everything is a chore. Before she was automatically happy unless something severe caused her mood to shift. Now she starts the day moody and waits for something to make her happy. She would like to blame me and say it’s because I don’t love her enough but something robbed her joy and it wasn’t me. It’s just hard to be around someone who constantly needs reassurance just to feel any self worth. It’s literally exhausting having to be a cheerleader just to avoid her moodiness. We had our twentieth year anniversary this year. Many, many times she made comments like yourself. She thinks she is an ideal wife and mother. If you try to make one comment that may be contrary to this and it’s a disaster. The last thing she needs is for this image to be questioned in counseling. I seriously believe it would trigger a psychotic break. Are you open to the possibility that maybe you need to make some changes? I’m not accusing, just asking.

Just an honest question,what made your wife lose her joy? Does she know? If neither of you know you need to find out. She might surprise you. When you go for help they don't lay blame,they help you work on yourself. They might well help your wife be a happier person.