Disliking things

Lanolin · Jan 12, 2020

Is it wrong to say you dislike things? I think personally its better to be honest and say you dont like something than pretend to like something.

I have noticed this in some people who tend to people please. At first you think they might like to do something you suggest and then they go and do something opposite while giving the appearance of liking what you like. Its hard to explain, But I suggested to one friend it would be good to go to the beach in the evening and she goes which one, I name one or two beaches. She then comes back to me saying if Im going I will let you know, then txts me an couple of hours later saying shes going to this different beach with another friend RIGHT NOW (its just at noon in the hottet part of the day) but its short notice and I havent even got ready. why didnt she just say she didnt like the beaches I was thinking of going to?

and then says you can meet us there. Im like no. she chooses a beach all the way across town that is crowded, noisy, polluted and I dont like going to. I just say no not that beach. Anyway Im rather puzzled why doesnt she just say Im not keen on those beaches I mentioned in the first place. I tell her to have fun anyway but I am thinking of calling her on it.

She did this another time when invited her and some other friends out and later I heard she didnt like where I took them even though at the time she seemed to pretend she enjoyed it. ?! Im like why dont you just say, or is it some people just dont like being the passenger? I dont know. Its not like Im asking her to take me anywhere. another time went out with a few friends, she goes and says I will pay for my two friends. But she doesnt pay for me. But she doesnt tell me this in the first instance I just think its a bit weird, after all the times she complained that she didnt have any money and wouldnt go certain places but dropped hints she was broke. what's going on?

Do I just kind of say, hey if you dont like me or what I like to do, why dont you just say cos Im finding this behaviour a bit two faced. Dont pretend to be my friend if you dont want to be. I can handle it.

Mel85 · Jan 12, 2020

Lanolin said:

Is it wrong to say you dislike things? I think personally its better to be honest and say you dont like something than pretend to like something.

I have noticed this in some people who tend to people please. At first you think they might like to do something you suggest and then they go and do something opposite while giving the appearance of liking what you like. Its hard to explain, But I suggested to one friend it would be good to go to the beach in the evening and she goes which one, I name one or two beaches. She then comes back to me saying if Im going I will let you know, then txts me an couple of hours later saying shes going to this different beach with another friend RIGHT NOW (its just at noon in the hottet part of the day) but its short notice and I havent even got ready. why didnt she just say she didnt like the beaches I was thinking of going to?

and then says you can meet us there. Im like no. she chooses a beach all the way across town that is crowded, noisy, polluted and I dont like going to. I just say no not that beach. Anyway Im rather puzzled why doesnt she just say Im not keen on those beaches I mentioned in the first place. I tell her to have fun anyway but I am thinking of calling her on it.

She did this another time when invited her and some other friends out and later I heard she didnt like where I took them even though at the time she seemed to pretend she enjoyed it. ?! Im like why dont you just say, or is it some people just dont like being the passenger? I dont know. Its not like Im asking her to take me anywhere. another time went out with a few friends, she goes and says I will pay for my two friends. But she doesnt pay for me. But she doesnt tell me this in the first instance I just think its a bit weird, after all the times she complained that she didnt have any money and wouldnt go certain places but dropped hints she was broke. what's going on?

Do I just kind of say, hey if you dont like me or what I like to do, why dont you just say cos Im finding this behaviour a bit two faced. Dont pretend to be my friend if you dont want to be. I can handle it.

Like you said, honesty is the key

if she can’t accept that, then that’s an issue she will have to deal with.

Also, communicating is a big factor in this, so just make sure you both understand and communicate each other’s views.

Going_Nowhere · Jan 12, 2020

I dislike deliberate cruelty towards other people or animals. Don't think there's anything wrong with me expressing my dislike for that in particular.

Lynx · Jan 12, 2020

I dislike people who complain about me behind my back. What good did that ever do? I'd much rather they said it to my face so we could get something resolved.

But I have observed some people don't want to resolve problems... they would rather complain about them. It's like they get a charge out of griping, to the point they will deliberately AVOID any path that could lead to taking care of the problem.

Lanolin · Jan 12, 2020

Going_Nowhere said:

Yes. I also dont like it when people think its acceptable to spray Roundup everywhere.
If you really dont like plants, then move to the desert.

Mel85 · Jan 12, 2020

Lanolin said:

Believe it or not, these are found in the desert.

laughingheart · Jan 12, 2020

Some friendships only exist for a season. It doesn't mean one or the other person is bad, they have just gone their separate ways. You say she should just say she doesn't like you. I know very few people who could come out and say that, especially if they want to avoid the conflict it would cause. Most people try to avoid an uncomfortable situation and they withdraw. I am not saying that that is the best way to handle things, but she obviously doesn't want to get you angry. She may be afraid of your reactions.
You could talk to her but do you want to understand what happened and see if things can be fixed or do you want to tell her off? The first will require an approach that doesn't make her feel attacked or backed into a corner.
It could be more like, "Hey can we talk? It seems like we aren't really connecting right now and I wondered if everything is alright? If I've said or done something to upset you please let me know. I value you and would feel awful if I've done something to damage our friendship." She might still not tell you the truth but at least you have tried.
If you don't want to go that route then just take the understanding you have, that she is avoiding you, and move on to people who do want to share your company. It is not worth a confrontation. You might both say things you don't mean and there is no benefit.
Those are my thoughts. All the best.

Lanolin · Jan 12, 2020

hmm I just think I might just hang out with honest people. Its better than having to figure out whats going on with fake friends who might lie to you. I mean what am I going to do, punch someone or insult them?? Im not the kind of person.

Not sure if just me or its Im friends with someone she wants to avoid but I will have one talk with her about it although getting some people to be honest is like getting blood out of a stone.

God wants us to be honest with Him, as He gives us grace. Avoiding Him isnt a useful tactic, and treating people especially friends as if you cant be real with them is just a bit weird. I do remember one time she complained of a mutual friend saying she doesnt offer to let her watch tv at her house. But I said if this friend invites you over its to see YOU not necessarily so you can go and watch her tv.

I remember one friend (maybe again, as you say, a friend for a season) just totally clammed up, even when I had a given her a library book I needed to return as it was overdue in my name, and I had to go through her sister to get it back. Did I say something wrong?

I dont understand some people. They come over all friendly at first and then out of nowhere they just treat you like you a nothing. I had one thing with a friend who had the wrong idea and got angry and accused me only wanting a ride somewhere, I cant remember, but i was like no I just thought be nice to go together, I dont care whos driving. she apologised but It shouldnt be that just cos other people are users, that I am one cos Im not. anyway, it was a bit shocked that she would think that of me and really prayed about it and it got sorted out, we are still friends.

But I think with some people you just dont know, cos of the strange way they behave. Also you can say Im too tired to go out or I just dont want to go there and I wont take it personally.

DuchessAimee · Jan 12, 2020

Does she invite you places just as often as you invite her? Because if it's mostly you, it's probably time for you two to part.

Lanolin · Jan 13, 2020

DuchessAimee said:

I think its about half and half. I dont know if theres an unwritten rule that means if last time she invited me to something, then its my turn. But when I think about it she seems reluctant to go anywhere if shes not driving or doing the inviting. Maybe she doesnt like my driving or my car or something. Ironic given that I sold her my old car and thats mostly how I know her.

I dont know if should ask her point blank is it cos you always want to drive??? lol

GodFoundMe · Jan 13, 2020

I agree with Mel85 that honesty and communication are key and laughingheart’s answer was spot-on! People do like to avoid confrontation, conflict, anything potentially uncomfortable… I prefer honesty as well, but others prefer to avoid things.

When I started middle school I had just moved cities so knew nobody till these 2 girls befriended me. One day I knew they kept trying to tell me something, but they kept avoiding or stalling. I could tell they were uncomfortable, but they wouldn’t spit it out. I heard from one of my new friends who was about to “brace” me for the bad news, but I preempted them and was like let me guess, they don’t want to hang out anymore? And they were like how did you know?! I was like well we don’t have too much in common and it wasn’t hard to figure out. They were trying not to hurt my feelings, but I didn’t have any hard feelings over it. I was grateful they had included me when I knew no one and we were still on good terms, but we were just into different things. It happens.

There are also other times when the truth hurt, but I preferred it to be said and asked for it. Other times, not even asking for it will get you the full truth. Each person is different and relationships involve collaboration and communication. If you can’t do either, then maybe it’s a one-sided relationship? People can change and drift apart as well. Anyway, if they are not invested in trying to make things work for both of you instead of just what they want, then I wouldn’t try to force a friendship that might not be working for other reasons out of your control. All you can do is your part and if she doesn’t accept, don’t feel bad. It’s not you, it’s them. Somebody else will come along who does want to be good friends with you

GodFoundMe · Jan 13, 2020

Lanolin said:

Only you know your friend and whether it would be taken in a joking way or she’d get offended. I’d try the more open but direct approach and maybe ask something like, “Hey, I noticed that _ and I was wondering why _?” Something to help her share if there’s an issue. My mom gets nervous when other people are driving so she prefers to drive. Maybe your friend does too? Even if she did, she may be embarrassed to say so. Probably not it, but you never know.

Lynx · Jan 13, 2020

Lanolin said:

Actually I have frequently had a strong desire to pave the whole yard and paint it green. Anybody who has to mow the yard knows the feeling.

Currently the biggest obstacle to that desire is the cost of paving an area that large.

Lanolin · Jan 13, 2020

hmm Im more of the person who says if you've got a problem spit it out.
Rather than bottle it up inside and endure possibly years of misery.

I mean in the spiritual sense everyone's got to face their demons right? Its not that you are looking for conflict if whats happening is already conflictng inwardly. After that you can have peace.

I was thinking of friends who might be maybe too busy to hang out anymore. I respect that or life just takes them in different direction. But I think with this friend she has some issues that doesnt necessarily have to do with me, its just rather puzzling that she just cant be honest. Im not really interested in having friends that give you the run around.

I remember one friend she would only go to X shopping mall despite the fact there were the same shops just up the road from me or the local town. so when she got to my place after saying she wanted to go shopping she kind of says oh can we go in your car. and the shopping mall she wants to go to is WAAY across town. After a few times of this im like why am I driving all this way when the local mall has the same sort of shops. ?! I think she just didnt want to say I dont like the local shopping mall. But what is wrong with just saying that. Anyway after a while I got tired of her always doing this and said I dont like going out shopping that much plus I dont have much money. After that she never phoned me to go out again. I thought well thats her problem. Although it was a bit sad that she couldnt just do some normal stuff with me like go for a walk without driving somewhere first and NOT spend money. I hope she found some other friends to go with or just went and shopped by herself.

Cos I didnt really like having to drive half an hour just to go shopping.

Lynx · Jan 13, 2020

You have the weirdest friends...

My best friend and I talked for a while last night after church, about me making homemade vanilla, and him making sauerkraut and how he can't get it to ferment properly in certain times of the year. Then we talked about the effect of the time of year on certain efforts, like trying to strike a match at noon in the summer versus at night in the winter, and other variables like trying to strike it in Florida versus Arizona. Then we talked about "good" versus "bad" relative to what humans want.

Sometimes we talk about video games. Or we talk about computer stuff. Or a philosophical idea.

I can't recall either of us ever trying to guilt-trip the other into something, or try to get the other to do something by passive-aggressive methods or... well, anything like that. Pretty sure if my friend wanted me to drive him somewhere he'd just ask me to.

Are you sure your friends are really friends?

Lanolin · Jan 13, 2020

with food if you dont like something, I dont think its necesarily rude to say so and then not eat it cos you dont like it, Cos if you pretend to like a food then people will just offer you more of what you dont like and you will pretned to smile while yourr gut is turning somersaults and there will be so much cognitive dissonance that your brain might explode.

well, I think that might happen to me. I cannot be an actress. I would just fail.

Lanolin · Feb 1, 2020

update well this actually got cleared up, and yes my friend doesnt like to say she does not like something as most people want to avoid unpleasantness. But in this case her other friend was wanting to go somewhere and our timing was wrong, but it turned one of her friends does not like to be around too many people, not that she doesnt like me (well I hope not)

and this friend, was able to say to me I dont like to go somewhere that takes ages to drive to and only spend half an hour there and have to come all the way back again, which is fair enough, but sometimes its hard to explain your reasons over short txts. And of course other friends who dont see it this way or got other stuff to do can spoil a fun outing. Ive had that with some friends who had other things to do after an outing and they just started getting whiny when they really wanted to go home. please dont do that, if you going to make time, make the time or set a limit on when you need to be back by BEFORE you go out!

if you dont have any explanations I guess you kinda wondering whats going on. But again i would say its better to say you dont like doing something than to ignore this and let the other person think you dont like THEM.

Lynx · Feb 1, 2020

My dislike is kind of meta - I dislike it when people assume I dislike something I like. For some reason some people have a rather binary this-or-that viewpoint of some things, they can't like this AND that, so they assume anybody who likes this will hate that by default. Just because I drive a Ford minivan now doesn't mean I automatically hate Chevy. I had a Chevy Lumina for years and it was really fun to drive on back roads. Cornered like a dream...

A good example is music. People catch me listening to (insert style here) and assume I hate (insert diametrically opposite style here.) What, I can't like both christian rap AND bluegrass gospel? My aunt is convinced I don't like southern gospel because she heard me listening to CCM and christian metal, even though I have listed for her a lot of southern gospel groups in my collection. For some reason she just can't grasp the concept that I like music she hates AND the southern gospel she likes. And my aunt is not an isolated incident of this. Many hear my phone playing one style and automatically assume I dislike certain other music styles.

It puzzles me about half to death because I can't make it make sense in my mind and it seems so logical to them.

Oncefallen · Feb 1, 2020

Lynx said:

My dislike is kind of meta - I dislike it when people assume I dislike something I like. For some reason some people have a rather binary this-or-that viewpoint of some things, they can't like this AND that, so they assume anybody who likes this will hate that by default. Just because I drive a Ford minivan now doesn't mean I automatically hate Chevy. I had a Chevy Lumina for years and it was really fun to drive on back roads. Cornered like a dream...

I think it's human nature to try to "define" people within specific confines.

Lynx · Feb 1, 2020

I dislike pigeonholing in general too.

A person is a person, not a set of characteristics defined by a group he's part of.

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