I was given a pretty strict Southern Baptist upbringing; but like many of my peers, seeing a great deal of corruption underneath the church’s persona of righteousness, really soured the experiences that I should have had. For a long while I was bitter, but eventually came to the conclusion that PEOPLE will pretty much always let you down, and that one shouldn’t look toward PEOPLE to define their own personal relationship with God.
Also, even as a small child, I would pay attention to Bible lessons, or even read scriptures myself...pause after hearing or reading and think to myself...wait; that doesn’t seem like it would be the actions of a kind, just, loving, or compassionate God. I was embarrassed and ashamed to admit that many of the things that God did seemed...honestly, kind of sadistic, cruel, selfish, uncaring, or vain. But of course as a Christian, I was told that God had a purpose for everything He did, even if I didn’t understand the reason, and that God was incapable of doing evil. Even more than that; I was taught that to think negative of God was a sin, that I should always be grateful for the life I had, and to always give praise...no matter what hardships I faced.
Keeping these teachings in mind, when I left home I searched whole-heartedly to find God, to build a good relationship with Him...I explored a number of different denominations and suffered through TONS of pain and hardships; admittedly as a result of my own choices and actions.
Over time it seemed that the harder I searched for God, the more He alluded me; which was very much in contrast to my Christian teachings. The more I struggled to do the right things, the easier doing wrong things seemed to become. And like nearly every other person in my generation; there was a constant struggle to overcome the physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual childhood abuse. Abuse from my father...who was a preacher in the church.
I...can’t pinpoint the exact time it began, but I found myself becoming angry towards Him, and losing faith. I NEVER STOPPED BELIEVING in God, or Jesus; but lost faith that all of His intentions were good, or that He even cared. Not only I, but SO many people around me were suffering every day; and it really seemed like our creator...just didn’t care.
As a Christian it was taught that every bad thing in this world is a result of the actions of men, or devils; that though God didn’t stop bad things from happening, neither did He cause them. But now being somewhat disconnected from my Christian teachings I am seeing things in a different light. It would make this post WAY too long to go into details at this moment. All I will write on that subject for now; is how it makes no since to me how limited beings such as humans and devils are given all blame for the condition that our world is in; while an all seeing, all knowing, all present, all powerful cosmic being and creater of EVERYTHING, has “hands” that are completely clean. That seems impossible.
I believe in God...but I have a really hard time believing He is “good”. It depresses me, gives me a negative outlook on our existence, makes me wonder what the afterlife REALLY holds. I understand that the Bible says one thing...but life and experience has shown me another view.
Thank you for reading. I look forward to your responses. And please note: I FULLY UNDERSTAND that my way of thinking is flawed; I would just really like to open up a line of communication with knowledgeable people who can help me to find “the way”.
Thank you all so much in advance.