My uncle used to say if we avoided what's bad for us to eat and only eat what's healthy we'd starve to death and be the healthiest stiffs in the graveyard.
~Chuckle for the Day~
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The very first ever Blonde GUY joke...... And well worth the wait!
An Irishman , a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, 'Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building.'
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, 'Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too.'
The blonde opened his lunch and said, ' Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too..'
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, 'If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!'
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, 'I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much'
(Oh this is GOOD!!)
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, 'Don't look at me. The idiot made his own lunch.'
An Irishman , a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, 'Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building.'
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, 'Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too.'
The blonde opened his lunch and said, ' Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too..'
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, 'If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!'
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, 'I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much'
(Oh this is GOOD!!)
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, 'Don't look at me. The idiot made his own lunch.'
25 Questions That Only You Can Answer
Are You an Addicted Computerholic in the 21st Century?
To find out, ask yourself the following questions,
and answer them as honestly as you can:
YES-NO
1. Is your reason for not staying in touch with family because they do not have Email addresses?
2. Do you have a list of 15 phone numbers and E-addys, or more, to reach your family of three?
3. Do you call your children's beepers or send them an Email to let them know it's time to eat?
4. Do they Email you back from their bedroom, "What's for dinner?"
5. Does your daughter sell her Girl Scout Cookies via her web site?
6. Do you chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken with your next door neighbor yet this year?
7. Have you checked the label on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains a web address to report your dissatisfaction for the little lump of chicken included?
8. Has your grandmother asked you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver?
9. Do you pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to call or send an Email to see if anyone is home?
10. Do you notice if every commercial on television has a web site address at the bottom of the screen?
11. Have you bought a computer and 6 months later became angry and frustrated because it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid?
12. If you leave the house without your cell phone and laptop, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 years of your life, is it now a cause for panic, and do you turn around to go get them?
13. Do you use real money, instead of credit or debit or computer bill-pay, to make a purchase? Of course, real money is a hassle and takes time and planning.
14. Does cleaning up the dining room mean getting the fast food bags off the top of the computer desk and up off the floor?
15. Have you ever tried to enter your password on the microwave?
16. Do you consider second day air delivery of snail-mail letters painfully slow?
17. Is your dining room table now your flat filing cabinet?
18. Is your idea of being organized multiple colored Post-it notes stuck on the monitor?
19. Do you hear most of your jokes via Email instead of in person?
20. Did you get an extra phone line so you can get phone calls?
21. When you disconnect from the Internet do you get this awful feeling as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one?
22. When you get up in morning, do you go online before getting your coffee?
23. When you wake up at 2 AM to go to the bathroom, do you check your Email on your way back to bed?
24. Have you ever burnt food in the kitchen because you were sitting at your computer and forgot about what you were cooking?
25. Have you started tilting your head sideways to smile?
To find out how you did, count your "YES" answers,
Are you an addicted computerholic?
If you answered YES to one of the questions, this is a warning that you may be addicted.
If you answered YES to any two, there's a good chance that you are an addicted computeroholic.
If you answered YES to three or more, you are definitely an addicted computerholic.
These test questions are a useful help in determining whether or not a patient or family are definitely addicted to cyberspace and are computerholics.
Don't Sweat It - Most of us by the time we get around to answering these questions average more than 15 yes answers . . . but I, for one, am determined to stay in denial!!!
Are You an Addicted Computerholic in the 21st Century?
To find out, ask yourself the following questions,
and answer them as honestly as you can:
YES-NO
1. Is your reason for not staying in touch with family because they do not have Email addresses?
2. Do you have a list of 15 phone numbers and E-addys, or more, to reach your family of three?
3. Do you call your children's beepers or send them an Email to let them know it's time to eat?
4. Do they Email you back from their bedroom, "What's for dinner?"
5. Does your daughter sell her Girl Scout Cookies via her web site?
6. Do you chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken with your next door neighbor yet this year?
7. Have you checked the label on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains a web address to report your dissatisfaction for the little lump of chicken included?
8. Has your grandmother asked you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver?
9. Do you pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to call or send an Email to see if anyone is home?
10. Do you notice if every commercial on television has a web site address at the bottom of the screen?
11. Have you bought a computer and 6 months later became angry and frustrated because it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid?
12. If you leave the house without your cell phone and laptop, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 years of your life, is it now a cause for panic, and do you turn around to go get them?
13. Do you use real money, instead of credit or debit or computer bill-pay, to make a purchase? Of course, real money is a hassle and takes time and planning.
14. Does cleaning up the dining room mean getting the fast food bags off the top of the computer desk and up off the floor?
15. Have you ever tried to enter your password on the microwave?
16. Do you consider second day air delivery of snail-mail letters painfully slow?
17. Is your dining room table now your flat filing cabinet?
18. Is your idea of being organized multiple colored Post-it notes stuck on the monitor?
19. Do you hear most of your jokes via Email instead of in person?
20. Did you get an extra phone line so you can get phone calls?
21. When you disconnect from the Internet do you get this awful feeling as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one?
22. When you get up in morning, do you go online before getting your coffee?
23. When you wake up at 2 AM to go to the bathroom, do you check your Email on your way back to bed?
24. Have you ever burnt food in the kitchen because you were sitting at your computer and forgot about what you were cooking?
25. Have you started tilting your head sideways to smile?
To find out how you did, count your "YES" answers,
Are you an addicted computerholic?
If you answered YES to one of the questions, this is a warning that you may be addicted.
If you answered YES to any two, there's a good chance that you are an addicted computeroholic.
If you answered YES to three or more, you are definitely an addicted computerholic.
These test questions are a useful help in determining whether or not a patient or family are definitely addicted to cyberspace and are computerholics.
Don't Sweat It - Most of us by the time we get around to answering these questions average more than 15 yes answers . . . but I, for one, am determined to stay in denial!!!
~Political Wisdom~
~If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed. If you do read the newspaper you are misinformed. -- Mark Twain
~Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress .... But then I repeat myself. -- Mark Twain
~I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle. ---Winston Churchill
~A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. -- George Bernard Shaw
~A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money.--- G Gordon Liddy
~Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner. -- James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)
~Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. -- Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University
~Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. -- P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian
~Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else. -- Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850)
~Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it. -- Ronald Reagan (1986)
~I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. -- Will Rogers
~If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free! -- P.J. O'Rourke
~In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other. -- Voltaire (1764)
~Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you! -- Pericles (430 B.C.)
~No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session. -- Mark Twain (1866)
~Talk is cheap...except when Congress does it. -- Unknown
~The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other. -- Ronald Reagan
~The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. -- Winston Churchill
~The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that thetaxidermist leaves the skin. -- Mark Twain
~The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools. -- Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)
~There is no distinctly Native American criminal class...save Congress. -- Mark Twain
~What this country needs are more unemployed politicians. -- Edward Langley, Artist (1928 - 1995)
~A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have. -- Thomas Jefferson
~If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed. If you do read the newspaper you are misinformed. -- Mark Twain
~Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress .... But then I repeat myself. -- Mark Twain
~I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle. ---Winston Churchill
~A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. -- George Bernard Shaw
~A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money.--- G Gordon Liddy
~Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner. -- James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)
~Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. -- Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University
~Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. -- P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian
~Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else. -- Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850)
~Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it. -- Ronald Reagan (1986)
~I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. -- Will Rogers
~If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free! -- P.J. O'Rourke
~In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other. -- Voltaire (1764)
~Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you! -- Pericles (430 B.C.)
~No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session. -- Mark Twain (1866)
~Talk is cheap...except when Congress does it. -- Unknown
~The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other. -- Ronald Reagan
~The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. -- Winston Churchill
~The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that thetaxidermist leaves the skin. -- Mark Twain
~The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools. -- Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)
~There is no distinctly Native American criminal class...save Congress. -- Mark Twain
~What this country needs are more unemployed politicians. -- Edward Langley, Artist (1928 - 1995)
~A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have. -- Thomas Jefferson
G
Godsgirl83
Guest
Two nicely dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the Los Angeles airport.
The first lady was an arrogant Californian woman married to a wealthy man. The second was a well-mannered, elderly woman from the South.
When the conversation centered on whether they had any children, the California woman started by saying, “When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me."
The lady from the South commented, "Well, bless your heart."
The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz"
Again, the lady from the South commented, "Well, bless your heart."
The first woman continued, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."
Yet again, the Southern lady commented, "Well, bless your heart."
The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you, when you had your first child?"
My husband sent me to Charm School," declared the Southern lady.
"Charm School ?" the first woman said, amazed, "Oh, my God! What on earth for?"
The Southern lady responded, "Well for example, instead of saying, "Who gives a shit?" I learned to say, "Well, bless your heart"
The first lady was an arrogant Californian woman married to a wealthy man. The second was a well-mannered, elderly woman from the South.
When the conversation centered on whether they had any children, the California woman started by saying, “When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me."
The lady from the South commented, "Well, bless your heart."
The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz"
Again, the lady from the South commented, "Well, bless your heart."
The first woman continued, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."
Yet again, the Southern lady commented, "Well, bless your heart."
The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you, when you had your first child?"
My husband sent me to Charm School," declared the Southern lady.
"Charm School ?" the first woman said, amazed, "Oh, my God! What on earth for?"
The Southern lady responded, "Well for example, instead of saying, "Who gives a shit?" I learned to say, "Well, bless your heart"
California? That bunch of liberals like Nixon, Reagan and Ben Shapiro?
I thought bless their hearts meant, "they're so stupid." Jeff Foxworthy.
California? That bunch of liberals like Nixon, Reagan and Ben Shapiro?
WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS?
A man smelling of booze and cigarettes sat down on a subway next to a priest. His tie was stained, there was red lipstick on his collar and face and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Tell me Father, do you happen to know what causes arthritis?"
The priest replies, "My son, it's caused by loose living, consorting with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."
The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned", then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
The man answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope suffers from it."
MORAL: Make sure you understand the question before offering the answer.
A man smelling of booze and cigarettes sat down on a subway next to a priest. His tie was stained, there was red lipstick on his collar and face and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Tell me Father, do you happen to know what causes arthritis?"
The priest replies, "My son, it's caused by loose living, consorting with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."
The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned", then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
The man answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope suffers from it."
MORAL: Make sure you understand the question before offering the answer.