~Chuckle for the Day~
- Thread starter Bingo
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The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists: two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her.
The man said "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife". The agent said, "Then you are not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes, so take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband.
She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping sweat from her brow.
"The gun was loaded with blanks" she said.
"I had to kill him with the chair".
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her.
The man said "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife". The agent said, "Then you are not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes, so take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband.
She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping sweat from her brow.
"The gun was loaded with blanks" she said.
"I had to kill him with the chair".
Attachments
~Quizzical~
The new pastor of a rural church dropped into a Sunday- school class and began quizzing the students to test the effectiveness of the teacher.
“Who knocked down the walls of Jericho?” he demanded of one boy.
“It sure weren’t me, Reverend." The boy said.
Turning to the embarrassed teacher, the pastor exclaimed,
“I suppose that’s a sample of the kind of discipline you maintain!”
“Now, Reverend, Timmy’s a good boy and doesn’t tell lies.
If he said he didn’t do it, I believe him.”
Thoroughly upset, the pastor took the matter to the church’s board of deacons.
After due consideration, the board sent the following message to the nonplussed minister.
“We see no point in making an issue of this incident.
The board will pay for the damages to the wall and charge it off to vandalism.”
The new pastor of a rural church dropped into a Sunday- school class and began quizzing the students to test the effectiveness of the teacher.
“Who knocked down the walls of Jericho?” he demanded of one boy.
“It sure weren’t me, Reverend." The boy said.
Turning to the embarrassed teacher, the pastor exclaimed,
“I suppose that’s a sample of the kind of discipline you maintain!”
“Now, Reverend, Timmy’s a good boy and doesn’t tell lies.
If he said he didn’t do it, I believe him.”
Thoroughly upset, the pastor took the matter to the church’s board of deacons.
After due consideration, the board sent the following message to the nonplussed minister.
“We see no point in making an issue of this incident.
The board will pay for the damages to the wall and charge it off to vandalism.”
These are brilliant! You've made me laugh so much, and I'm only up to number 4!
Ole was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second.
On the third hole, he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang... It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in an accident and was in critical condition and in ICU.
The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible.
As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf. He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital.
He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant. Then he remembered his wife.
feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.
The doctor glared at him and shouted, “You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you!" "I hope you're proud of yourself!" "While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU!"
“It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely be your last! For the rest of her life, she will require round the clock care and you will be her caregiver!
She will need IV's; you will have to change her colostomy bag every 3 hours; she will have to be spoon fed 3 times a day and don't forget the hygiene care."
The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed...
The doctor snickered and said,
"I'm just messing with you. She's dead. What'd you shoot?
View attachment 197099
These are brilliant! You've made me laugh so much, and I'm only up to number 4!
Grammar Lesson: Is it "complete", "finished" or "Completely Finished”?
No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between these two words - "Complete" or "Finished”.
In a recent linguistic competition held in London and attended by, supposedly, the
best in the world, Samdar Balgobin, a Guyanese man, was the clear winner with a standing ovation which lasted over 5 minutes.
The final question was: 'How do you explain the difference between
COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand? Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED.'
Here is his astute answer:"When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE.When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED.And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!"He won a trip around the world and a case of 25 year old Scotch!
No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between these two words - "Complete" or "Finished”.
In a recent linguistic competition held in London and attended by, supposedly, the
best in the world, Samdar Balgobin, a Guyanese man, was the clear winner with a standing ovation which lasted over 5 minutes.
The final question was: 'How do you explain the difference between
COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand? Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED.'
Here is his astute answer:"When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE.When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED.And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!"He won a trip around the world and a case of 25 year old Scotch!
The king wanted to go fishing, and he asked the royal weather forecaster the forecast for the next few hours.
The palace meteorologist assured him that there was no chance of rain.
So the king and the queen went fishing. On the way he met a man with a fishing pole riding on a donkey, and he asked the man if the fish were biting.
The fisherman said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace! In just a short time I expect a huge rain storm."
The king replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an educated and experienced professional. Besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him."
So the king continued on his way.
However, in a short time a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked.
Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the meteorologist.
Then he summoned the fisherman and offered him the prestigious position of royal forecaster.
The fisherman said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain."
So the king hired the donkey.
And so began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in influential positions of government. And thus the symbol of the democrat party was born.
The practice is unbroken to this day.
The palace meteorologist assured him that there was no chance of rain.
So the king and the queen went fishing. On the way he met a man with a fishing pole riding on a donkey, and he asked the man if the fish were biting.
The fisherman said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace! In just a short time I expect a huge rain storm."
The king replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an educated and experienced professional. Besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him."
So the king continued on his way.
However, in a short time a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked.
Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the meteorologist.
Then he summoned the fisherman and offered him the prestigious position of royal forecaster.
The fisherman said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain."
So the king hired the donkey.
And so began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in influential positions of government. And thus the symbol of the democrat party was born.
The practice is unbroken to this day.
PEEING ON MY FLOWERS
(IT HURTS JUST TO READ THIS!!!)
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her.
One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me, Officer."
"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop."Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady."You see, my back yard is right next to a golf course.
A lot of golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden.
It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?'
So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20 or off it comes!'
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Not everybody pays."
Who Will Provide?
A young woman brought her fiancé home to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother told the girl's father to find out about the young man.
The father invited the fiancé to his study for a talk. "So, what are your plans?" the father asked the young man.
"I am a biblical scholar," he replied.
"A biblical scholar, hmmm?" the father said. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in?"
"I will study," the young man replied, "and God will provide for us."
"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asked the father.
"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replied, "God will provide for us."
"And children?" asked the father. "How will you support children?"
"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replied the fiance.
The conversation proceeded like this...and each time the father questioned, the young idealist insisted that God would provide.
Later, the mother asked, "How did your talk go, honey?"
The father answered, "He's a Democrat. He has no job, he has no plans, and he thinks I'm God."
what do you get when you cross the atlantic ocean and the titanic?
about 2/3 of the way.
about 2/3 of the way.
OK!!!! OK...OK!!! BREATHE, JUST BREATHE!!! HERE'S THE $20....HAHAHAHAAAA!!!!!Just pay the $20 and stop being so tight!
I'm dying...c'mon man...let me breathe!! Is this any way to treat a fellow traveler!!!??