~Chuckle for the Day~
- Thread starter Bingo
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G
Godsgirl83
Guest
homophone:
noun
plural noun: homophones
- each of two or more words having the same pronunciation but different meanings, origins, or spelling, for example new and knew.
The White House
Three contractors bid to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Kentucky and the third is from New Orleans. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.
The New Orleans contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.
"Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $9,000. That's $4,000 for materials, $4,000 for my crew and $1,000 profit for me."
The Kentucky contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $7,000. That's $3,000 for materials, $3,000 for my crew and $1,000 profit for me."
The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$27,000."
The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys. How did you come up with such a high figure?”
"The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$10,000 for me, $10,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Kentucky to fix the fence."
"Done!" replies the government official.
And that, my friends, is how the "Government Stimulus" plan worked.
Remember ... Four boxes keep us free: the soap box, the ballot box, the jury box, and the cartridge box.
"I love my country ... it's the government I'm afraid of!"
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Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern
Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side
of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked
the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk
with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking
intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she
noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.
'What in bag?' asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine.
I got it for my husband.'
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.
Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:
'Good trade.....'
Three contractors bid to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Kentucky and the third is from New Orleans. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.
The New Orleans contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.
"Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $9,000. That's $4,000 for materials, $4,000 for my crew and $1,000 profit for me."
The Kentucky contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $7,000. That's $3,000 for materials, $3,000 for my crew and $1,000 profit for me."
The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$27,000."
The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys. How did you come up with such a high figure?”
"The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$10,000 for me, $10,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Kentucky to fix the fence."
"Done!" replies the government official.
And that, my friends, is how the "Government Stimulus" plan worked.
Remember ... Four boxes keep us free: the soap box, the ballot box, the jury box, and the cartridge box.
"I love my country ... it's the government I'm afraid of!"
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Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern
Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side
of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked
the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk
with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking
intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she
noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.
'What in bag?' asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine.
I got it for my husband.'
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.
Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:
'Good trade.....'
So a traffic cop pulls a man over because he spotted something strange in the back seat. When he looked in the car there were two penguins. The police officer says 'It's illegal to haul around these penguins, you need to take them to the zoo'. The man agrees and the cop lets him go.
The next day the cop sees the same man driving with the penguins. When he pulls up the penguins had on straw hats and sunglasses. The cop says "Sir I told you to take the penguins to the zoo' and the man replies 'I did, and today we're going to the beach!'.
The next day the cop sees the same man driving with the penguins. When he pulls up the penguins had on straw hats and sunglasses. The cop says "Sir I told you to take the penguins to the zoo' and the man replies 'I did, and today we're going to the beach!'.
A WOMAN WALKS INTO THE DOWNTOWN WELFARE OFFICE, TRAILED BY 15 KIDS.
'WOW,' THE SOCIAL WORKER EXCLAIMS, 'ARE THEY ALL YOURS?’
'YEP, THEY'RE ALL MINE, ' THE FLUSTERED MOMMA SIGHS, HAVING HEARD
THAT QUESTION A THOUSAND TIMES BEFORE. SHE SAYS, 'SIT DOWN, TERRY.'
ALL THE CHILDREN RUSH TO FIND SEATS.
'WELL,' SAYS THE SOCIAL WORKER, 'THEN YOU MUST BE HERE TO SIGN UP.
I'LL NEED ALL YOUR CHILDREN'S NAMES.’
”WELL, TO KEEP IT SIMPLE, THE BOYS ARE ALL NAMED TERRY AND THE
GIRLS ARE ALL NAMED TERRI.”
IN DISBELIEF, THE CASE WORKER SAYS, 'ARE YOU SERIOUS? THEY'RE ALL
NAMED TERRY?’
THEIR MOMMA REPLIED, 'WELL, YES - IT MAKES IT EASIER. WHEN IT'S TIME TO GET THEM OUT OF BED AND READY FOR SCHOOL , I YELL, TERRY! AND WHEN IT'S TIME FOR DINNER, I JUST YELL TERRY! AND THEY ALL COME A RUNNING.
IF I NEED TO STOP THE KID WHO'S RUNNING INTO THE STREET, I JUST YELL TERRY AND ALL OF THEM STOP. IT'S THE SMARTEST IDEA I EVER HAD, NAMING
THEM ALL TERRY.’
THE SOCIAL WORKER THINKS THIS OVER FOR A BIT, THEN WRINKLES HER FOREHEAD AND SAYS TENTATIVELY, 'BUT WHAT IF YOU JUST WANT ONE KID TO COME, AND NOT THE WHOLE BUNCH? ‘
'THEN I CALL THEM BY THEIR LAST NAMES.'
'WOW,' THE SOCIAL WORKER EXCLAIMS, 'ARE THEY ALL YOURS?’
'YEP, THEY'RE ALL MINE, ' THE FLUSTERED MOMMA SIGHS, HAVING HEARD
THAT QUESTION A THOUSAND TIMES BEFORE. SHE SAYS, 'SIT DOWN, TERRY.'
ALL THE CHILDREN RUSH TO FIND SEATS.
'WELL,' SAYS THE SOCIAL WORKER, 'THEN YOU MUST BE HERE TO SIGN UP.
I'LL NEED ALL YOUR CHILDREN'S NAMES.’
”WELL, TO KEEP IT SIMPLE, THE BOYS ARE ALL NAMED TERRY AND THE
GIRLS ARE ALL NAMED TERRI.”
IN DISBELIEF, THE CASE WORKER SAYS, 'ARE YOU SERIOUS? THEY'RE ALL
NAMED TERRY?’
THEIR MOMMA REPLIED, 'WELL, YES - IT MAKES IT EASIER. WHEN IT'S TIME TO GET THEM OUT OF BED AND READY FOR SCHOOL , I YELL, TERRY! AND WHEN IT'S TIME FOR DINNER, I JUST YELL TERRY! AND THEY ALL COME A RUNNING.
IF I NEED TO STOP THE KID WHO'S RUNNING INTO THE STREET, I JUST YELL TERRY AND ALL OF THEM STOP. IT'S THE SMARTEST IDEA I EVER HAD, NAMING
THEM ALL TERRY.’
THE SOCIAL WORKER THINKS THIS OVER FOR A BIT, THEN WRINKLES HER FOREHEAD AND SAYS TENTATIVELY, 'BUT WHAT IF YOU JUST WANT ONE KID TO COME, AND NOT THE WHOLE BUNCH? ‘
'THEN I CALL THEM BY THEIR LAST NAMES.'
When somebody says something is out of whack, I offer to run to Walmart and pick up a few extra cans of whack. That'll fix the problem.
Where do you find cans of whack? It's right between the elbow grease and the headlight fluid.
Once upon a time a lady started a new job. On her first day at the office her husband sent her a small flower arrangement, but the tag said "Rest in peace." This understandably confused her so she called her husband to get an explanation.
The husband promptly called the florist to find out that explanation. When he told the floral clerk what his wife's flower arrangement card said, the clerk said, "OH NO! I mixed up the cards! Oh dear, oh dear!"
The husband was alarmed at the apparent overreaction. "Ma'am, it's okay, really! We're just a little confused. It's just a simple mistake, it could happen to anybody."
The clerk said, "No, you don't understand... somewhere in this town is a funeral with a flower arrangement that has a tag saying, "Good luck in your new location!"
The husband promptly called the florist to find out that explanation. When he told the floral clerk what his wife's flower arrangement card said, the clerk said, "OH NO! I mixed up the cards! Oh dear, oh dear!"
The husband was alarmed at the apparent overreaction. "Ma'am, it's okay, really! We're just a little confused. It's just a simple mistake, it could happen to anybody."
The clerk said, "No, you don't understand... somewhere in this town is a funeral with a flower arrangement that has a tag saying, "Good luck in your new location!"