Christian advice on relationship

[justbehonest]

Hi all, I'm new here. I've been searching the internet for a place where I could find help in these covid times and it's been difficult to find sound advice since I'm not tied to any spiritual community in real life.
I was hoping that the Christian members on here can share some of their advice regarding my situation.

I'm a 29 year old guy in a relationship with a 24 year old girl. We've been talking for 7 months now and it's all been long-distance. When I first saw her, I thought that she believed in the same things I did. Only later did I discover that she grew up in Seventh day Adventism, which seems to follow a different doctrine. We started growing our relationship based on discovering the truth about the gospel. Over time, she came to realize the power of the simple gospel and how sometimes, our denominations end up clouding the simple yet wonderful truth Jesus offered us.

She lives at home and her belief changes have caused tension with her family. They do not approve of me as well. We are facing a situation where we may have to step out on our own and where she may have to pursue a future without her family - something that has been extremely hard for her to come to terms with. Additionally, her mom got divorced 3 years back and the girl has always lived in her shadow, without ever rebelling or disobeying her. This has led to a mother-daughter relationship that appears at times to me to be quite unhealthy. Her mom's general anxiety over the years has also transpired onto her and affected our relationship at times. I've usually passed it as reasonable since she is going through a large change now with leaving her past beliefs.

Her mom also shares with her abuse stories that she encounters on the news and given the nature of our relationship, there were 2-3 times over the 7 months where she had anxiety episodes. She tends to overthink and worry about what may happen to her in the future once she is married with a man. We usually talk through it and we come to a realization that she wasn't turning over her worries to God but rather entertaining them. She admits her shortcomings and promises to work on things. However, it happened once more in the past two weeks which involved her saying things like she doesn't know if she can trust me, that she doesn't know if she is ready to be with me because of these fears, that she is afraid of what may happen once we end up living together (granted we haven't met and all our conversations have been through video calls) . It's been difficult to accept since I felt I've been supporting her through difficult changes even when her family was against me and if she trusted anyone, it should be me. Like before, after a few hours, she admits that her fears overwhelmed her and apologizes.

Other than these rare episodes, we have a healthy Christian relationship. All she wants to talk about is God which is is one thing I love about her. She just doesn't seem to turn her anxieties over to God. I'm worried about stability in the future, if I marry her. If one day in married life, she would say the same things again. I don't want my wife to be afraid of me. As her husband, I would only want her to find me a place of peace. I really like this girl and I'm trying to make things work with her. However, I'm stumped when it comes to this.

Any Pastors, spiritual leaders, married people, those who know these issues, could you please give me advice? Thanks so much.

Also, I know I'm missing a lot of details so please feel free to ask if anything is confusing.

 

[tourist]

Specifically, what is it that you disagree with in regards to SDA? How are her beliefs different than your own? It appears that you don't accept her for the way that she is and are doing your best to have her conform to your way of thinking, which btw may not be God's way of thinking. Liking the girl is not the same as loving the girl. Not even close. Regardless, these are just my initial thoughts. Glad to have you onboard with us. Welcome to CC.

 

[Magenta]

Welcome!

 

[justbehonest]

Specifically, what is it that you disagree with in regards to SDA? How are her beliefs different than your own? It appears that you don't accept her for the way that she is and are doing your best to have her conform to your way of thinking, which btw may not be God's way of thinking. Liking the girl is not the same as loving the girl. Not even close. Regardless, these are just my initial thoughts. Glad to have you onboard with us. Welcome to CC.

Hello,
I was hoping for relationship advice here, not a theological debate. So if anyone could provide help in that area, that would be appreciated. My concern has nothing to do with her beliefs but rather, the core of the post was related to the anxiety episodes.

And as far as what you ask, I suggest you take a look at Truth or Fables. Hope that helps.

 

[MatthewWestfieldUK]

Anyone u marry will have similar issues. We are all bunch of mixed ingredients that life cooks into various dishes. Lest with her u know.
Remain patient and build trust. Keep your balance by have your own hobbies etc.
Give this more time if u can.
Good hearts are rare. If u can build a bond, its worth it. But u need to vent your stress in a healthy way.
Marriage is the beginning of a difficult walk. Not the fairytale we saw on tv.

 

[justbehonest]

Anyone u marry will have similar issues. We are all bunch of mixed ingredients that life cooks into various dishes. Lest with her u know.
Remain patient and build trust. Keep your balance by have your own hobbies etc.
Give this more time if u can.
Good hearts are rare. If u can build a bond, its worth it. But u need to vent your stress in a healthy way.
Marriage is the beginning of a difficult walk. Not the fairytale we saw on tv.

You're saying that it would be normal for a wife to fear her husband would hurt her?

 

[MatthewWestfieldUK]

You're saying that it would be normal for a wife to fear her husband would hurt her?

I am saying that irrational anxiety is very Common

 

[Gideon300]

Hi all, I'm new here. I've been searching the internet for a place where I could find help in these covid times and it's been difficult to find sound advice since I'm not tied to any spiritual community in real life.
I was hoping that the Christian members on here can share some of their advice regarding my situation.

I'm a 29 year old guy in a relationship with a 24 year old girl. We've been talking for 7 months now and it's all been long-distance. When I first saw her, I thought that she believed in the same things I did. Only later did I discover that she grew up in Seventh day Adventism, which seems to follow a different doctrine. We started growing our relationship based on discovering the truth about the gospel. Over time, she came to realize the power of the simple gospel and how sometimes, our denominations end up clouding the simple yet wonderful truth Jesus offered us.

She lives at home and her belief changes have caused tension with her family. They do not approve of me as well. We are facing a situation where we may have to step out on our own and where she may have to pursue a future without her family - something that has been extremely hard for her to come to terms with. Additionally, her mom got divorced 3 years back and the girl has always lived in her shadow, without ever rebelling or disobeying her. This has led to a mother-daughter relationship that appears at times to me to be quite unhealthy. Her mom's general anxiety over the years has also transpired onto her and affected our relationship at times. I've usually passed it as reasonable since she is going through a large change now with leaving her past beliefs.

Her mom also shares with her abuse stories that she encounters on the news and given the nature of our relationship, there were 2-3 times over the 7 months where she had anxiety episodes. She tends to overthink and worry about what may happen to her in the future once she is married with a man. We usually talk through it and we come to a realization that she wasn't turning over her worries to God but rather entertaining them. She admits her shortcomings and promises to work on things. However, it happened once more in the past two weeks which involved her saying things like she doesn't know if she can trust me, that she doesn't know if she is ready to be with me because of these fears, that she is afraid of what may happen once we end up living together (granted we haven't met and all our conversations have been through video calls) . It's been difficult to accept since I felt I've been supporting her through difficult changes even when her family was against me and if she trusted anyone, it should be me. Like before, after a few hours, she admits that her fears overwhelmed her and apologizes.

Other than these rare episodes, we have a healthy Christian relationship. All she wants to talk about is God which is is one thing I love about her. She just doesn't seem to turn her anxieties over to God. I'm worried about stability in the future, if I marry her. If one day in married life, she would say the same things again. I don't want my wife to be afraid of me. As her husband, I would only want her to find me a place of peace. I really like this girl and I'm trying to make things work with her. However, I'm stumped when it comes to this.

Any Pastors, spiritual leaders, married people, those who know these issues, could you please give me advice? Thanks so much.

Also, I know I'm missing a lot of details so please feel free to ask if anything is confusing.

The first thing you need to do is meet face to face. Spend some time together and let her see that you are entirely normal. Don't put any pressure on her. Let her come to a decision. You may find that she's not quite what you expected either. Ask the Lord to show you the truth. Pray the same thing for her.

 

[tourist]

. Hope that helps.

I'm not the one that is seeking the help. If there is anxiety perhaps you should consider calling the relationship off.

 

[TabinRivCA]

Nice meet you and glad you are joining the fellowship here at CC You've known this gal for 7 months and have not yet met her. I think you have more of a friendship type of relationship and not romantic. That has yet to develop. You said you're trying to make things work when she is not even sure how she feels about getting serious. You have a way to go to get to an ideal relationship so do your best and see if things improve or go the other way. God bless you and may the Holy Spirit guide you through this.
Also, if you post this in another Forum like Young Adults, you will get many more ideas.

 

[Deade]

Hello JBH, welcome to Christian Chat.
I hope you'll enjoy your stay here.

 

[Icedaisey]

Hello,
I was hoping for relationship advice here, not a theological debate. So if anyone could provide help in that area, that would be appreciated. My concern has nothing to do with her beliefs but rather, the core of the post was related to the anxiety episodes.

And as far as what you ask, I suggest you take a look at Truth or Fables. Hope that helps.

It's not a Theological debate?

Her emotional issues arise from her conflict between her SDA theology and yours.

It sounds like her mom seeded the anxiety she's experiencing by loading her thoughts with all manner of fears and bad experiences in failed relationships.

A mother knows her daughters buttons and how to push them if she's so inclined. Clearly her mom is.

This can be because she wants to cause her daughter all this anxiety in order to get her to break up with you.
Because the mom likely feels you are responsible, the cause, behind her daughter questioning her own faith as a SDA.

If mom can get the daughter to think you'll fit the mold of those bad relationships in all those failed couples scenarios, she likely thinks her daughter will return to the fold in order to gain solace and regain her emotional security.

You've only known this girl for a matter of months and have never met face to face. Far too early to start thinking marriage.

However, you should realize in this short bit of time what kind of family you'd be marrying into should you consider that road on down the line.

And note this is how easy it is for just her mother to manipulate her on a deeply emotional level . And while you seemingly are able to quell her anxiety, it is overcome by her returning to the anxiety her mother instilled.

And because the mom doesn't approve her daughters newly acquired knowledge of scripture that presumably conflicts with that of the family, or you, who led her down that path.

Trust this advice because any married people here in this situation will likely agree. If your wife's family doesn't like you, and they work to destroy the peace of mind of their daughter in order to emotionally manipulate her so to make her miserable when with you, the goal being to cause her to leave you, you will never ever be at peace in your relationship together. Not when you have other people, her family, working to tear you apart.

A stable mom wants her child to be happy and feel secure in her relationships.

What they don't do if they're stable, is fill their daughters head with stuff that they know will accomplish just the opposite.

The mom is leading her daughter into deep anxiety because the mom doesn't approve of your faith or your sharing that which causes her daughter to believe outside the parameters of the moms faith. And the daughter is powerless to stop it affecting her.

This is why she can't remain secure and strong when you lend her comfort and lead her to a different perspective.

You may want to back off a bit or leave this and her alone altogether.


And it's easy to tell yourself your caring for her can overcome the mom and families intentions. But ask yourself if you're willing to go through what you have in these short months, thinking of your comments about wife in future, for the rest of your life.

Because if you do marry, that's what's waiting for you.

And it isn't a contest. It isn't a matter of, you can't break up because that would let her mother win.
Her mom was there first. She knows, obviously, how to work her daughter and clearly will because she's selfish and doesn't care what her machinations motivated by her disapproval of you shall cost her daughter.
The mom, as you can see by these recurring anxiety attacks in her daughter, has already won.

It isn't a healthy relationship when you have to constantly work to undo what a third party keeps doing to your lady's mental health.

 

[Jocund]

Until you meet many things are unclear. You might discover that despite a mental and cultural connection that the chemistry isn't there. Long distance relationships are one thing but an entirely online relationship where neither party has met can create unrealistic expectations and subsequent disappointment.

Fighting the mother is an uphill battle that can't be won through adversity. We are called to honour father and mother. Old wounds must be healed. The source of the mother's pain may be as important to the daughter as it is to the mother. It is better to be kind towards and mindful of the bond between mother and daughter rather than attempt to "solve a puzzle". Let women freely find wisdom and reflection amongst themselves. Turn the other cheek to comments that might seem insensitive.

Life lessons are interesting. In all that we do in life may we endeavour to do it from the heart, learning, growing and sharing in God's love. I hope you find peace.