Can a Christian be Emotionally Unavailable?

[OllieYakob]

Years ago I learned that some people prefer power to intimacy. By withholding connection, praise, approval etc. they maintain control over the other person. I met a woman who was hiding her drinking. She confessed that in her 20 plus years of marriage, her husband had never once said she looked nice. She was a beautiful woman, slim and well put together. He would compliment others but never her. He would never tell her that the dinners she took hours to make, were good. She died inside and felt like a failure.
When a person refuses to build up and encourage and cheer on their partner, they know what they are doing. Think about that. They know the pain they are are causing and they do it anyways. Your friend should not be patient. He is training her to accept very little. He is training her to expect nothing while giving everything. That he acknowledges that he is emotionally unavailable and asks her to wait is so selfish. What about her needs? He is not showing any care for that. People like this know what they are doing and are not healthy partners. Tell her to run. When she does go he will probably promise to change all the things that hurt her. What she should take from that is that he was aware of what he was doing. He allowed her to hurt and is trying to keep her in that hurt. It is the opposite of a godly man.

I wish I can give you two hearts. But all the things you listed about the woman you met are the exact same things my friend reports concerning this guy. She is very vocal and tells him how much she is hurting, but he hasn't changed a thing. He does the bare minimum to keep her around. I told her he needs help and if he doesn't get it, she should run. That's a disastrous marriage waiting to happen. My heart truly ached for all the women going through this. It's painful.

I truly believe such a man cannot be a believer. How can you claim to be a child of God, yet refuse to love a fellow believer as the Bible instructs us to?

Thanks for commenting. Stay blessed

 

[OllieYakob]

I read through every post and I still do not understand what "emotionally unavailable" means.

Could you give an example of how your friend is saying that the guy is emotionally unavailable. Does this mean he does not like to talk about feelings and emotions? That he would rather talk about racing and lawn care?

Because personally that is one of the reasons I like living by myself. I don't have to talk about a bunch or neurotic women emotions that change everyday and how I have to understand how she is not really wanting advice but just wants me to listen to all her emotions.
SO glad that is over. Not eager to revisit that nonsense. Would that make me emotionally unavailable?

I'm sorry to say this, but I believe whoever you're describing ran away from you because you were not willing to love her as the Bible instructs you to. I pray you heal from whatever caused you to not be able to open up to someone else.

To answer your question, look up avoidant attachment style.

 

[Scribe]

I'm sorry to say this, but I believe whoever you're describing ran away from you because you were not willing to love her as the Bible instructs you to. I pray you heal from whatever caused you to not be able to open up to someone else.

To answer your question, look up avoidant attachment style.

The only way to answer your original post would be to know of a couple of real life examples of what she says he does that she or you are calling "emotionally unavailable" I admit I scanned quickly through some of the posts and I may have missed the real life examples if they were given. The reason I gave my example was to demonstrate how many different things could be called "emotionally unavailable" to the person using the terminology. And it was my attempt of being humorous. (I know it must of failed)

OK I looked it up. (avoidant attachment style) If that description is what he is guilty of then that just means he is not convinced she is the one. She probably has some labels of her own he is concerned about but is too nice or to wise to attempt to diagnose her since he is not a professional psychologist but she is giving him signals that he should not commit. Nice guys will say it is because they are wanting to be cautious about marriage but it really means they want to be cautious about marrying YOU. They will say "it's not you, it's me" and they think it gives them some mysterious tortured soul persona as though they are a deeply emotionally wounded person who does not want to get hurt or have a bad marriage like their parents, but it is always really YOU.
Don't let them string you along. Better to face the reality that they are not worthy of your attention and keep looking because some guy is just waiting to meet you and be totally on fire for marriage and all the responsibility that comes with it.
I think the personality type labels are not helpful. We are complex creatures and we can be any number of personality labels in various circumstances and situations. The right girl comes along and that same guy can be all about emotional available and might end up getting a label of smothering, clingy, etc. Same guy different girl.

So keep it simple and "don't invest in a relationship where the other person seems reluctant."

 

[Demi777]

I'm sorry to hear about your situation? Have you sought the help of a therapist? If not, seek out a Christian therapist who specializes in attachment styles.

Theres no traumatherapists available. Believe me, my doc and I have been trying everything

 

[Demi777]

I just think that term "emotionally unavailable" can be problematic because what is it exactly?
Its hard to define. I only just learned it the other day and have been since trying to understand what it means...
Youtube has different people with different takes on it... Its exact meaning is unclear
Is it what u said, is it what i said??? U know, what im saying...
I would just ask what do mean by emotionally unavailable if they use it on ya

Who knows. Maybe its some new millenial vocabulary that we just still dont know about exacly

 

[soggykitten]

Hello brothers and sisters,

A close friend of mine has been dating a guy who is emotionally unavailable for about a year. This man is aware that he is emotionally unavailable, but wants her to be patient with him. However, he is not doing anything to change better himself. He says he has given his life to Christ. Is it possible to have give your life to Christ, yet knowingly not be able to sustain emotional bonds in relationships?

It is possible, yes. However, if he remains as he was when she first met him I think she has to ask herself, when we're suppose to be, as Christian women, dating perspective husbands, if she'd be able to deal with that in him for the rest of her life? However old she is, personalize that in numbers of years relative to life expectancy. In other words, would she be willing to deal with that in him for the next 50 years?

When she's been with him for about a year, and he says he's given his life to Christ but remains as he was when she met him, something sounds off. Christ is a healer. If he's aware he's emotionally unavailable, he should be aware Christ heals and commit to the healing work of Christ through prayer, Bible study, and so forth.
There's another thing to consider here too. He could be using your friend knowing she was a Christian beforehand, he could be saying he gave his life to Christ in order to get into her good graces.

 

[presidente]

Hello brothers and sisters,

A close friend of mine has been dating a guy who is emotionally unavailable for about a year. This man is aware that he is emotionally unavailable, but wants her to be patient with him. However, he is not doing anything to change better himself. He says he has given his life to Christ. Is it possible to have give your life to Christ, yet knowingly not be able to sustain emotional bonds in relationships?

I am surprised that people are answering as if they know what you are talking about exactly. Does he not like to sit around and talk about his feelings? A lot of men are that way. I heard on the radio that women's brains are different from men's, with a stronger link between the speaking center and pleasure center in their brains than men.

Does emotionally unavailable mean he doesn't fall in love with someone he is dating?

Are you saying he is a sociopath with no normal feelings for people?

 

[Scribe]

I am surprised that people are answering as if they know what you are talking about exactly. Does he not like to sit around and talk about his feelings? A lot of men are that way. I heard on the radio that women's brains are different from men's, with a stronger link between the speaking center and pleasure center in their brains than men.

Does emotionally unavailable mean he doesn't fall in love with someone he is dating?

Are you saying he is a sociopath with no normal feelings for people?

EXACTLY! I never got a clear understanding of what the poor guy is guilty of. Maybe he is just skittish? And maybe he has good reasons? Let's hear both sides of the story so we can give the proper counsel.

 

[Johari]

Is he truly emotionally unavailable or guarding his heart and holding back? A Christian can be emotionally unavailable but it isn't always intentional. Sometimes they're emotionally available in terms of a friendship but not romantically. In that case they probably have trust issues or aren't interested.

 

[Lanolin]

I thought avoidant attachment style was something to do with breastfeeding but I could be wrong.

if that is the case its nothing you can help as you are not HIS mother. I would probably advise praying about his own relationship toward his parents and healing for that first.