Can a Christian be Emotionally Unavailable?

OllieYakob · Aug 9, 2020

Hello brothers and sisters,

A close friend of mine has been dating a guy who is emotionally unavailable for about a year. This man is aware that he is emotionally unavailable, but wants her to be patient with him. However, he is not doing anything to change better himself. He says he has given his life to Christ. Is it possible to have give your life to Christ, yet knowingly not be able to sustain emotional bonds in relationships?

TheIndianGirl · Aug 9, 2020

OllieYakob said:

Yes I think it is possible to be Christian and still be emotionally unavailable. Everyone is different and has their own background and struggle, it may be a challenge for some to open up more than others.

Subhumanoidal · Aug 9, 2020

OllieYakob said:

Of course it is. Being a Christian isn't a magic cure for all that's wrong with people. And there can be various reasons for how this happens, as well.

But if he's that way, doing nothing to change, yet expecting someone to sit around and wait for them, that's not right. This guy could be like this for years, or never change. And your friend will simply be wasting her time and her life waiting to see if this guy changes or not.
If who he is Now is not good for her then she needs to move on. It is never wise to wait on someone to change into who you want them to be. Either accept the person as they are, or not at all. But if she sticks around and he never changes she will have no one to blame but herself when she's miserable.

Godsmile · Aug 10, 2020

We all have our own issues in our lives the thing is to realize what it is and how it affects us and those around us. We don't have the right to tell someone to change in any way.. But we do have the right to tell that person what or how they behave is painful to and for us if they truly care for us than they will choose to do everything they can to change themselves. What your friend needs to be asking herself is. This man making improvement what kind of help is he seeking . Basically is there effort on his part to be better . Some people will choose to stay messed with the promise to change as an excuse for abuse and control . Being a believer in Christ does not mean we are perfect it means we try our best to be the best we can be as to be an example for others to see God through us .

Bingo · Aug 10, 2020

"Health issues effect emotions and mood changes. And, underlying health
issues are often subtle, being hard to diagnose."

Lanolin · Aug 10, 2020

I would say it is very hard it change yourself if you dont even know how.
telling someone else to change is easy, working with them through that change is the hard part.

the other thing is, with men, for some reason, they find it difficult to deal with emotions, women can find it easier to deal with emotions as its not frowned on to cry or express through art etc. Often Mens outlet only seems to be agressive sport and they are told not to cry.

I am not sure what 'emotionally unavialable' means to this person, but its a big ask for a lot of people to open their hearts (think about when you first surrendered to God) exactly what did it take? and did you really change yourself, or did you let God change you.

tourist · Aug 10, 2020

OllieYakob said:

Your friend might want to reconsider dating a guy that is emotionally unavailable. Just because you give your life to Christ doesn't mean that you have the wherewithal to sustain an emotional bond in an exclusive relationship. Connecting with someone on an emotional level is key to having a thriving relationship.

OllieYakob · Aug 10, 2020

TheIndianGirl said:

I appreciate your perspective. It definitely is harder for some to open up. In my opinion, it's also affecting his ability to relate to God. His relationship with her mirrors his relationship with God. But who am I to comment on it? I'm praying for him and her.

OllieYakob · Aug 10, 2020

Subhumanoidal said:

Of course it is. Being a Christian isn't a magic cure for all that's wrong with people. And there can be various reasons for how this happens, as well.

But if he's that way, doing nothing to change, yet expecting someone to sit around and wait for them, that's not right. This guy could be like this for years, or never change. And your friend will simply be wasting her time and her life waiting to see if this guy changes or not.
If who he is Now is not good for her then she needs to move on. It is never wise to wait on someone to change into who you want them to be. Either accept the person as they are, or not at all. But if she sticks around and he never changes she will have no one to blame but herself when she's miserable.

I concur! I would have advised her to keep trying if he was actively working on himself. But his lack of interest, should be a warning to her.

OllieYakob · Aug 10, 2020

Godsmile said:

I agree with you that we don't have the right to ask someone to change. However, we have the right to teach others how to treat us. She has kindly helped him to understand what it feels like being with him, but there's just no desire to do things differently on his part. I do agree that being a Christian is not a magical cure, but as a Christian you should empathize with others and heed to advices of other believers (more than one person have exhorted him regarding this topic).

OllieYakob · Aug 10, 2020

Bingo said:

I concur. I'm so glad you gave your life to Christ. Blessings!

OllieYakob · Aug 10, 2020

tourist said:

100% right! I will share this post with her. I think she needs to hear it from someone other than me.

Kim82 · Aug 10, 2020

OllieYakob said:

Of course. And that doesn't mean he's a bad person, it just means he has some issues.

No one, including himself can say for sure if or when he'll change his ways. So its a big gamble for her to stay with him.

Bingo · Aug 11, 2020

OllieYakob said:

OllieYakob · Aug 12, 2020

Kim82 said:

Gamble is the right word. I'm praying and believing the Lord will change him. I would like to see my friend in a healthy relationship.

PC123 · Aug 12, 2020

OllieYakob said:

Hi... "Emotionally unavailable" and "emotional bonds".
If you could define your interpretation of those two terms it would better help us understand what u mean which will lead to more helpful suggestions i think

Nehemiah6 · Aug 12, 2020

OllieYakob said:

The short answer is "NO". Is this some kind of fad -- "emotionally unavailable"?

That's like another term from the past "checked out" -- "4. verb To become unfocused or distracted; to cease participating in a meaningful way."

Sounds like someone needs a swift kick in the posterior.

Mii · Aug 12, 2020

This is the first time I've really heard this expression in YEARS....

Almost forgot about it but actually that's kind of where I am myself. I suppose it depends on the pursuant's options. Is she the one pursuing him or is there some interest?

Working through stuff in a way that she can't see possibly?

Myself I would be willing to give compromises (not really the bad kind). Concessions would perhaps be a more descriptive word. If he isn't willing to concede anything, then I would seriously question her interest.

Perhaps bring up concessions to this person. It is not dissimilar from ultimatums with a bit more wiggle room. Obviously when being in agreement with each other the Lord has a say so...sometimes though, it's up to you. It could be a growing experience and it could indeed be she grows past him or he has some growing to do right around the corner...who knows?

I think it is reasonable to presume that some aren't as apt to express themselves and potentially this could be a difficult season for him and his expressing what's going on with him is lacking in some way. I am almost "too" expressive when it comes to talking and explanations so it's harder for me to understand someone who is not. It's also a quality I admire in a female, and while I have a lot of "funk" at present, I would still be open to "terms". It is strange that he is not.

Are you sure it's not something more than that? Apathy? Or perhaps the interest is not mutual and this is just an immature defense of saying "emotionally distant"?

There are terms in relationships and boundaries. This is like the "at will" stage with no contract or anything. Engagement is like a contract but non-binding. Marriage is binding. Were I in such a position as the pursuer and a woman was like this with me, I would be having a totally different spiral of thoughts but I would want to agree on some "ground rules" of some sort.

All that said, I have hardly any options for marriage that I see at present (actual acquaintances). Hopefully she doesn't try to force her own will on the situation. Me waiting a year for someone to be ready would be nothing compared to the entirety of my single life with no serious relationship leading to marriage. A timetable like that (i.e a year ultimatum) would not be too long to wait nor work toward.

If she has other options or is torn between men, then that is unfortunate for him. Hopefully the Lord's will prevails for anyone in a similar situation.

PC123 · Aug 12, 2020

OllieYakob said:

Curiosity got the best of me and i went out to try an understand the meaning of emotionally unavailable.
Find explanations of the signs of an emotionally unavailable person is everywhere but very few of them begin with a clear definition of it. I listened to girls and guys talk about it from all ages...

Hearing the young women talk about it makes me cringe for the young guys of this generation. Men are more feminine and women are more masculine and neither seems to know their place in a relationship these days. A guy went into a shopping mall once and asked women if they should submit to their husbands. About 80% of them said no, most with a degree of indignation. So it seems there is a misunderstanding on what submitting means and the willingness to control the relationship. Is a woman really attracted to an effeminate man? Is a man really attracted to a masculine woman? Dating has always been daunting and now with apps where most people swipe right (or is it left) 90% of the time at a glance, the game has changed...

But i have to assume that your friend is a decent Christian that isn't a control hungry narcissist and go with the definition given by a relationship therapist and a simple young man who spells out what it means when a guy claims to be emotionally unavailable... They both say that its a person who doesn't want to commit. So if he is saying that he is emotionally unavailable it means he doesn't want to commit and he wants her to be "patient with him"... Im afraid if your friend is sleeping with him then she is getting used...

We all have different levels of emotion and sometimes a person who wants passion and romance often could be with someone who doesn't want it so much or a person whose comfortable not seeing each other all day to someone who needs more communication. So it could be as simple as two people whose characters are too opposed.

So I think this therapist summed it up well, she said forget about him and examine yourself, u know he doesn't want to commit but u do, so why are you here? With your friend its been a year of this. Why not simply tell him what your after in the relationship and that you have to move on cos she wants a commitment.

It seems like it may be a red flag to exit but Im not a therapist and don't know enough about them to be giving advise, im just kind of thinking out loud about this emotionally unavailable term that is new to me. In the end its her choice and has a decision to make

Godspeed

Gregoryp · Aug 12, 2020

yes, I have been accused of being one of those. many reason why, being an introvert and empath is one of them.

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