@ SB501: "Yes he wasn’t a scoundrel at all during the relationship and before that. He gave it his all and tried his best to deal with the problems of our relationship with me. He really tried to change some habits to make me happy. But I’m still baffled by the fact that he broke up with me within minutes of showing a lot of love to me. I guess it IS a bubbling up of emotions and pain from long distance. But what doesn’t make sense is he’s purposely trying to get over me. And it just makes me feel like trash because how could anyone try their best to unlove someone. But at the same time, he still cares for me and he’s there for me, picking up my phone calls when I need someone to listen."
I posted some of this on another thread and have copied some of what I have to say, as I think it applies to your situation. My answer is a wee bit long, so buckle up for the ride....
I get it - your heart is breaking. Most of us oldies - and youngies - have been through this. We know what you are going through. You probably think: nobody could possibly know my situation, or what it is like to be experiencing all of this. But we do know - that's why we are all trying to help you.
I highlighted some stuff you said. You have said he tried 'to deal with the problems in our relationship', that 'he tried to change', that you're baffled & basically confused, that you 'feel like trash.' Some of it doesn't make sense to me, as you seem to be rambling on, which many of us do when we're thinking & typing.
Stop and think for a few minutes. Do you really want to continue feeling like this - just being confused all the time, & feeling like trash? Is this really how you want your life to be? Constantly waiting for phone calls/text messages that may never happen; wondering what he is doing; who he is seeing; who he's hanging around, calling him and maybe soon he won't pick up or answer. Look at all the worry & pain this relationship has caused you so far. And to what end? Nothing. Continuing to call him will only deepen your pain, as after you hang up, you will be wondering about all of the above things again. And how do you know he isn't seeing other girls? Being young, he probably is, even if he says he isn't.
He may be a nice guy. Not every guy that dumps you is bad. My ex was a lovely guy, & very caring & kind. This man might just be very confused, and because he's had that taste of the unknown - having sex - he's probably looking for more opportunities in this area, as he's still young.
You say you gave your virginity away and you regret it all. It happens; you can't take it back, so looking back on the past won't help. It just gets you depressed. But how do you know he was even a virgin in the first place? Many men lie to get what they want - and it's usually to get girls to give themselves to them.
I have personally counselled sooo many people like you who are in toxic relationships - and yes, this is already a toxic relationship. I counsel young people all the time, and most of it is due to relationship problems. Many people in your situation just want validation for what you are saying & posting. You WANT someone to agree & empathise/sympathise with you. Also people in your situation, love being in your situation - the heartbroken, rejected lover/partner (whatever), and you complain to people all over the place - in person, online, at the local coffee shop, in the supermarket, to family and friends. You carry your heartbroken-ness around with you like a badge or like the proverbial martyr; feel sorry for me, help me. You don't want anyone saying: well, he's had it with you matey, you call him to keep that connection/friendship open, and you're hoping to meet up/reconcile with him at some stage - you don't want to hear anyone say: he doesn't want you in his life, cry a river, then move on. You said yourself he broke up with you within minutes of saying he showed alot of love to you.
Just because he's talking to you shouldn't give you hope. Maybe he's just a polite person - I don't know why he's talking to you, as I don't know him. You probably still have that friendship connection I'd say.
I tell you, from my experience counselling people, if you continue to contact him, you're just adding fuel onto a fire that is continually dying out, & which will eventually die out. He will meet someone else eventually, & then you will be more heartbroken and crying more, because you can't ever be with him.
I knew a man for about 26 years. I always pined after this person, whilst still getting on with my life, moving around, working, etc. I convinced myself we were to be together. We always met up every now & then & stayed friends, but long story short, it wasn't meant to be - there was no violence involved, nothing like that. I don't even know why we didn't get together after all the lovely things he said, & showed me he obviously cared, but there it is. The point I'm making is that I should have put my head up, and really looked at my life, and seen that yes, there were others who cared for me, & who wanted to be with me. There was one lovely guy, a Christian who wanted to be with me (I wasn't a Christian then). The last message he left me on my answering machine said he'd hope I'd contact him, but if not to take care. I never called him. I was too caught up with this other guy, always hoping he'd call me, or text, or somehow turn up at my doorstep and we'd end up together.
Think about it - do you really want to live the rest of your life and waste it on someone who obviously doesn't want to see you, or be with you? Think of all the wonderful opportunities you'll be missing out on. You say you are studying - put more energy into that. You can work, do more study, travel, you may meet the man of your dreams - there are so many things you could do with your life! Seriously, you will be wasting precious months/years of your life pining after somebody who you will always be hoping will change their mind, and somehow, miraculously, contact you and fall into your arms. Chances are that isn't going to happen. It's always hard being rejected, but you can have a mourning period, be kind to yourself, nurse your soul, then move on with life. We don't have anything else we can do apart from move on.
So what are you going to do with the rest of your life? Pine after this man who doesn't want you?
Let me ask you this: what do you think YOU should do now?? Disregarding all the advice on here - what is your next move?
I really hope & pray you see sense and really analyse how you have been acting, and I truly hope you don't waste your life on this man - because that is just what you are doing. You will be hoping every day you wake up for something to happen from him - whether it's a phone call or text message - and you will eventually tie yourself up in knots, develop anxiety and probably depression as well.
Also you can't change someone unless they WANT to change. You said he 'was trying to change for me.' Trust me, you can't change for someone - you have to want to change for yourself, not for another person. Alcoholics won't give up drinking unless they want to; drug addcits won't do anything re their drug habit unless they WANT to. It sounds like he was trying to change for you, and wasn't happy about doing that.
You are still young - is this really the kind of life you want to lead? Trust me, I counsel people every day in your situation - it is not a life you will be leading, but a non-spiritual, depressing, anxious filled existence of pain and misery. You may end up chasing after him for years to come, hearing about who else he's dating etc if you keep calling him, and then you will become more upset, more despondent, and this will exacerbate your pain, and keep it alive. Focus on your spirituality and not waste time chasing after useless men who don't care about you. Stay single for a few years - travel, make new & lasting friendships, focus on God and meeting a man later who really loves you and God. Long distance relationships don't last, and dating non-Christian man will lead you into all kinds of sin and evil - I truly say this to get you to think & to protect you.
Have a cry, mourn, then move on, make plans to get into wholesome things to distract you. Writing a journal helped me a lot, as I could read back what I had written, then I think how blind I was to this man's faults, and how much time I wasted, when I could've met someone who really cared about me, and be happy now.
You are better than all of this!! You deserve a better, more wholesome, spiritual and satisfying life than chasing after a man who by his actions, has shown he doesn't give a d***n about you. Actions ALWAYS speak louder than words!
Also, in closing may I ask did you use protection during sex? Because you never know what you may have caught from him. Don't take his word for it that he never slept or fooled around with anyone. I'd be scheduling an appointment with my local doctor for a check up, just to be on the safe side.
I don't want you to be on an internet site 26 years later like me, giving young people advice like this, because you wasted your life pining after someone who didn't want you.
I pray you will take all of our wise counsel and make a better life for yourself.
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