Blended family issues...

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Frankparkway

Guest
#1
#1
Hello I am new to forum,

I am in a blended family I have 3 kids, my wife has 1. Her son is biracial and my 3 children are white. There are issues with this. Ultimately I am having issues with her priorities in the family, I feel her son comes 1st, he is 1st in her life. My priorities are God, wife, kids... I am really frustrated because I don't know how to deal with this. We been married 9 months, anyone have any insight or maybe some good Christian sources on blending families and Christian wife or Christian woman books?
 
tourist

tourist

Senior Member
#2
Mar 13, 2014
42,555
17,025
113
69
Tennessee
#2
As a married man I believe that your highest priority from God is to take care of your family. The best way that you're going to learn is by experience. Your wife's priority is for her own child first and then your kids. She will squeeze you in there too somehow. The best counsel I have to offer is to place God in the center for the relationship of your family. Pray together as husband and wife and try to include the children also. Read and study the bible regularly. Based on your post I would say that you have your hands full.
 
G

garee

Banned
#3
Mar 28, 2016
15,954
1,528
113
#3
Jacob as well as King David and other also had a blended families as I do also, it can living hell causing a person to look for the city of refuge (Christ) .

Wives sometimes have the better understanding . Mine has the better memory.

Jacob had three child bearing wives, from different nations, some nations that were considered enemies and a dozen of rug rats .

Make your wife and yourself the priority and pray that God move the children toward his own self.

Not much of a reader but would recommend a book called Parents in Pain. I think by James White.

A study as to how God uses the plague of leprosy can be helpful thorn in the side .

Psalms 127:5 Happy is the man that hath his quiver full of them: they shall not be ashamed, but they shall speak with the enemies in the gate.
 
D

Depleted

Guest
#4
#4
Frankparkway said:
Hello I am new to forum,

I am in a blended family I have 3 kids, my wife has 1. Her son is biracial and my 3 children are white. There are issues with this. Ultimately I am having issues with her priorities in the family, I feel her son comes 1st, he is 1st in her life. My priorities are God, wife, kids... I am really frustrated because I don't know how to deal with this. We been married 9 months, anyone have any insight or maybe some good Christian sources on blending families and Christian wife or Christian woman books?
Click to expand...
I've got zelch on how to deal with this one. BUT I know a ton about how to keep a marriage happy and permanent. (Celebrating 37 years next month, and we both still like and love each other.)

Stuff needed:
1. Talk! Always, always keep talking. Talk to God. Talk to spouse. Let your needs known and let spouse get her needs known. Keep talking until you figure out a way that those two needs become met.

2. Know the difference between need and want. Need is something you can't give up, or you die. (And in this situation, it might be a slow death.) Want includes, (but not inclusively) the multi-million dollar lottery, the 1966 cherry-red Mustang convertible with air-conditioning and cream interior, a summer home near a good fishing lake without any mosquitoes around, a woman cave, (hey, I'm giving you my wants lol), a laptop, or a cherry pitter.

3. The thing women need the most is security. What we think it is often comes under what we want. (Money, having everything work out our way, running the show, etc.) BUT we do need it. In marriage, it's not a thing. It's a person. And that person is our husband. Some things we need from husband -- the trust that he will never leave us no matter what, the understanding that he loves us for who we are, not who he can make us become, the knowledge that all decisions are based on protecting us and loving us, and that he is in charge!

And that last one is a whopper! The truth is we were born sinners, and grew up perfecting it. If we don't have the Lord save us, it is in the nature of a woman to be the boss. (It is also part of our divine nature too, since we can become moms, and are in charge of the kids most of the time.) We will do what we think we need to do, if we do not have that security in our husband. This is where "submit" comes in. If he won't love us and make us feel secure, we have no reason to submit.

So, you two need to talk. You need to talk to God -- a lot. And you both need to come up with a godly understanding of family. Strangers online won't be telling you what your wife needs to hear. We certainly can't tell your wife what you need to hear. The two of you married, so you need to hear each other.

And, as I said early on, if a need isn't met there is death. Sometimes a slow death, but if you two don't figure out how to talk to each other and come up with a way for both of your needs to be met, this marriage will die.

Talk to her, because geesh! You liked her enough to marry her, so it's time the two of you became one.
 
H

Huckleberry

Guest
#5
#5
Frankparkway said:
I am having issues with her priorities in the family, I feel her son comes 1st, he is 1st in her life. My priorities are God.......
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Worry about your own priorities, and
don't try to force God down her throat.
You will never love her child like she does and vice versa.
If you lead gently and righteously, she may follow.
Let it happen organically, because if
you try to force the issue, you will lose.
 
Dino246

Dino246

Senior Member
#6
Jun 30, 2015
25,400
13,745
113
#6
Hi Frank,
A few months ago I participated in a live webinar on blended families. It was very informative. It was done through FamilyLife. Here's a link... Home | Blended & Blessed.

Hopefully you can find some help through that ministry. :)
 
Nehemiah6

Nehemiah6

Senior Member
#7
Jul 18, 2017
26,074
13,771
113
#7
Frankparkway said:
Ultimately I am having issues with her priorities in the family, I feel her son comes 1st, he is 1st in her life. My priorities are God, wife, kids...
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Some questions to ask yourself:

1. How is it that I failed to find out what my wife's priorities were BEFORE I married her?

2. Is she a genuine Christian are not? Mostly genuine Christians will put God first.

3. If she is a Christian, is she prepared to accept Christian biblical counsel and abide by it?

4. Do we attend a sound Bible church where we could go to the spiritual leaders for counsel?

Unless you wife wholeheartedly adopts your priorities (with God's help), it looks like you bought yourself some unnecessary grief.
 
M

Miri

Guest
#8
#8
I get how intergrating two families might be challenging.
Different up bringing, different expectations, different discipline processes etc.
Maybe you should all have sat down together and thought all this through
before getting married - just saying.

What I don't get is why skin colour should make any difference whatsoever.
If her son was white, would you have even mentioned it? No you would
probably just have said your wife gives priory to her own child full stop.

I think you may be part of the problem, if you see a "biracial" child and your
focus is on that "problem" then your own children will think the same.

Why would you even say she had a "biracial" child what difference does that
make any way. If you love your wife then you should also love the full package,
child and all.

Ps have you any idea how derogatory that even sounds, we are all part of the same
human race. While you are picking out books maybe you should also pick out one
about unconscious bias.
 
J

JamesD

Guest
#9
#9
tourist said:
As a married man I believe that your highest priority from God is to take care of your family. The best way that you're going to learn is by experience. Your wife's priority is for her own child first and then your kids. She will squeeze you in there too somehow. The best counsel I have to offer is to place God in the center for the relationship of your family. Pray together as husband and wife and try to include the children also. Read and study the bible regularly. Based on your post I would say that you have your hands full.
Click to expand...
I agree with Tourist. Place God first and if you do something for your kids, do it for her's too. Talk to her about how you feel but in a gentle way. Be considerate and thoughtful. Pray to God about how you should talk to her. Do you have full custody of your children? Does she have full custody of her child?
 
E

emilyresmi

New member
#10
Jul 25, 2021
1
0
3
#10
You need to empathize with her situation and try to understand what she's going through.
 
T

TheIndianGirl

Guest
#11
#11
In some traditional multigenerational families, a husband will expect his wife to love his mother like her own mother and take care of her. The wife then asks, will you love my mother as your own mother? ....Silence....


My point is that you can't really control how much you love a person, and love comes with time as well. A parent (father or mother) will love his own child more than a new spouse/girlfriend, in part because they have known the child longer and have gone through more experiences. In a taditional nuclear family where the spouses get along and love eachother, the spouses may love each as much or more than their children.

Blended families can be complicated because the parent will love his/her children more than his/her new spouse. If they love the new spouse who they met one year ago more than the kids, I think that is a bit unnatural. However, in this situations, it is important to put God first and everyone tries to be fair and compromise a little.
 
S

SophieT

Guest
#12
#12
emilyresmi said:
You need to empathize with her situation and try to understand what she's going through.
Click to expand...
hi there

I see you are new to the forum so just to let you know, this thread is now 5 years old so it is very doubtful the op will get back to you

especially since his last post was Sept,19 2017 and he has not been back since
 
Dino246

Dino246

Senior Member
#13
Jun 30, 2015
25,400
13,745
113
#13
Frankparkway said:
Hello I am new to forum,

I am in a blended family I have 3 kids, my wife has 1. Her son is biracial and my 3 children are white. There are issues with this. Ultimately I am having issues with her priorities in the family, I feel her son comes 1st, he is 1st in her life. My priorities are God, wife, kids... I am really frustrated because I don't know how to deal with this. We been married 9 months, anyone have any insight or maybe some good Christian sources on blending families and Christian wife or Christian woman books?
Click to expand...
Welcome to CC, Frank!

Several years ago, I was pondering marrying a woman with a young daughter, and took a course through Focus on the Family on making blended families work. If you search "blended family" on their web site, you'll find a plethora of relevant articles and resources.

www.focusonthefamily.com
 
Handyman62

Handyman62

Well-known member
#15
Jan 10, 2021
599
266
63
Rural South Carolina
#15
I know this is an old post but I'm going to give an opinion for those that may see this later. First off if you are married with children they must be a priority and staying married is the best thing you can do for them.

If you had no choice and are forced out of your marriage, then the next best thing you can do is concentrate on raising your children and do not bring another man/woman into their lives. They already have a mother/father.

Your children should not be subject to having to deal with someone else being brought in who they will likely perceive as trying to take the place of an existing parent.

After your kids are grown and out of the house then you can consider dating again. I know what I have said will rub some people the wrong way, but that's the way I see it.

And blending family's adds a whole other dimension of potential problems, some of which are in the Op's post.

Bottom line is divorce already heaps things on children that they don't deserve. So please don't throw even more on them. Stay single, stay sane and keep them a priority.
 
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