Bitterness

[Jullianna]

Do you harbor bitterness toward an ex-bf/gf/spouse?

Do you think it's healthy?

Could you somehow turn it into a positive and allow God to use it for good?

Do you think some of us are unwilling to recognized our own failings in relationships?

Why do you think some people never miss an opportunity to dig at an ex? This would make me not want to date someone, as I would be concerned that they would be saying mean nasties about me behind my back too, especially if things didn't work out.

There are things I don't care for about guys I have dated, but there are more things about them that I do like or I would never have been with them in the first place. Or maybe I don't understand bitterness because none of the things I didn't like about them were horrible, but simply things that caused them not to be a good match for me. Maybe this is the reason I still care about each and every one of them, and wish them only the best. *shrugs*

 

[Powemm]

Actually signs of bitterness means something in my connection with God is out of sync... Bitterness has a co partner (unforgiveness)
if it arrives in my life .. I need to turn inward towards God first to be free of it..if it ever arrives again .. I know it's something that's in me that needs to be dealt with , it doesn't generally have to do with the other person ... it's a great opportunity to call on God when if it ever appears ..
As of now , bitterness is not present

 

[Ilovecoffee]

Do you harbor bitterness toward an ex-bf/gf/spouse?

no, but sometimes the process of letting go is hard
Do you think it's healthy?
nope, alot of negative energy/emotions which dont serve a purpose

Could you somehow turn it into a positive and allow God to use it for good?

jury is out on this one

Do you think some of us are unwilling to recognized our own failings in relationships?

yep and its called pride

 

[maxwel]

Very often when people do something horrible to you,
they don't ever actually repent or feel the slightest remorse of any kind.
That's just the real world.

In cases like that, you can forgive them...
but you can't really do much more than that.
You may have to forgive them in your heart, and then keep far away from them.

 

[iTOREtheSKY]

I certainly try not to harbor bitterness. I do have to fight it sometimes..I mean,I'm being real here..it's only been a bit over a year..married for 9 & dated for 2 prior,so,that's 11 yrs of my life I shared everything of myself with,now gone..poof! I find myself more with each day feeling the need to pray for my ex more & more. I truly hope she finds happiness. I know what she needs is Jesus,but if she decides never to go that way,then I wish her the best life she can have here without God. (if that makes sense) I find I hold more bitterness against myself concerning our relationship than I do her. God is slowly helping me to let it all go,I know it's a process,and honestly it does get a bit easier every day. As far as any ex-girlfriends go ..I hold no bitterness against any of them...half of them I've run into over the years & I am on good terms with all of them..not like we call each other or anything,but there's no vile hatred or wanting to flee the country if I should bump into one at Red Lobster or something. lol (just a disclaimer,I don't ever eat at Red Lobster,that's like the McDonald's of seafood)

 

[Billybubba]

Very good questions! I have been divorced 3 years and apart for 4. I feel that I was very unfairly treated, from being served the papers to final decree. Two times since then I have let bitterness get hold in my life and it is a very scary thing.
It seems like un-forgiveness left unchecked turns into bitterness and then morphs into some sort of resentment/bitterness cocktail that is pure poison. Be sure of this, God does not waste anything and His understanding can change any situation.
I pray for His understanding every day and know that I have no business walking out the door in the morning without handing it all over to Him. Thank You Lord for keeping me!

 

[Billybubba]

No where to run to no where to hide, I'm dying out here on my own, long before I've ever thought of returning, your arms are wide open, waiting for me to come home.
Third Day sings my life.
Thank you Lord for the fellowship of other believers.

 

[Billybubba]

Just because you forgive someone does not mean you have to trust them! I think God is AOK with a healthy boundry.

 

[Theygaveutheirworst]

Do you harbor bitterness toward an ex-bf/gf/spouse?

Do you think it's healthy?

I try not to. I've realized that being bitter is a horrible, horrible thing. Simply put, It'll cause you to hurt others. Bitterness is a horrible effect handed from one person to another- much like a disease. I've noticed that those who have become bitter over what happened with an ex/ past relationship, is most likely going to carry that over to their next relationship, which will ultimately cause heartache in the new relationship. Why? Because we can't get over what happened in the previous relationship. Oddly, we allow the person who we once loved to dictate our future in a pretty big way. And the sad part of it is, is that the person who hurt someone/made someone become a bitter person doesn't probably think twice about how deep they hurt them. They have moved on, living a happy life, while the other person who was hurt is still living from the effects of what happened. It could even be that a person who was hurt in a relationship YEARS ago are still letting the effect of what happened to control their future relationships. Human condition tells us to hurt others the way we have been hurt, so we can try to gain back some self-confidence that we think was taken away from us after being hurt.

 

[jahwarrior]

Every ex I have was before I had God in my life and through my faith I can understand that the problems that we had were because God was not a factor in my relationship. This makes me love them that much more and pray that they may find the beauty of God in their life and be as happy as I am one day for themselves. I don't have a single bad thought about any of them. Thanks be to God!

 

[DuchessAimee]

I was going to post my opinion, but I decided to give my opinion in the form of typology instead. Oh, and they're other people's much wiser words than my own.

 

[CatHerder]

Do you harbor bitterness toward an ex-bf/gf/spouse?

I sometimes get angry when I think back on custody stuff, mediation and the courts. I am more angry at the system regarding the lies she told to make me seem like an irresponsible and abusive parent that seemed to go unquestioned than I am about her personally.

Do you think it's healthy?

While I am not entirely happy with the custody arrangement. I prayed that I would be able to be a positive, godly, and regular influence in my kids' lives. God has honored this.

Could you somehow turn it into a positive and allow God to use it for good?

hmmm....the divorce was the most gut-wrenching thing I have experienced. I remember my first prayer after realizing the reality of my situation was "I still love you, God!" and I couldn't say anything else. I also sent a few primal screams His way with the intention of being more eloquent during this early period.

Still I can see how the Lord prepared me for what was happening many months, maybe even a couple years prior. I met some godly men weekly for breakfast for fellowship and to challenge each other and to share. I grew spiritually then and had a hunger for God's Word that I never had before...it was like I got saved all over again! I broke a lot of unhealthy patterns, such as passive-aggressive cycles and other unhealthy relational games we played. One would think this would improve my marriage. It seemed to have the opposite effect. I think my ex felt that my new strength was a threat to her sense of control. I really don't know all the whys and wherefores of her reasoning.

I hope God is using my situation for good. I'd like to think so. I had a great roommate for a couple of years. He moved on when a housing opportunity came up for him around the same time I was in a financial position to where I did not need a roommate anymore. The apartment got small during the half of the week when my kids were there too, but it was fun. My roommate was a Christian, but a polar opposite from me personality-wise. I fluctuate between being an INFP and INFJ, but one of the things that remains constant is the introversion. My roommate forced me to be bolder about my faith. We somehow ended up going to a missionary conference together. He was gung-ho to be a missionary. I liked the idea myself and thought it might be something in my future, but my youngest is 11. I thought that barring prayer and sending some money overseas, I couldn't really have any effect abroad.

I was wrong. I had been playing piano for the Iranian Church that met on our church campus for a year or so. Soon after this conference, they began streaming the music and the message to Iran. Most of the music was very modal and ethnic, but some of the stuff we may be familiar with as well (You haven't lived until you have heard "Lord, I Lift Your Name on High" in Farsi). I went home excited, telling my roommate that I was now a missionary, as my music was being heard in Iran. He was a little jealous, so he ended up digging wells in Uganda a couple of months later. Anyway, through this, I learned an important lesson about not limiting Christ. I know I would not have done all this stuff while still trying to hold a marriage together, so yes, I think God is using it.

Do you think some of us are unwilling to recognized our own failings in relationships?

Yes, but I think I was also of the opposite mindset for a long time. My personality is such that I will blame myself for things that have little to do with me. It took me a long time not to "own" others' bad behavior - - I guess that was one of my biggest failings.

Why do you think some people never miss an opportunity to dig at an ex? This would make me not want to date someone, as I would be concerned that they would be saying mean nasties about me behind my back too, especially if things didn't work out.

I stopped dating a woman because she was complaining about her ex. There were other reasons too, such as I was not yet ready to date, but this reason was a biggie.

There are things I don't care for about guys I have dated, but there are more things about them that I do like or I would never have been with them in the first place. Or maybe I don't understand bitterness because none of the things I didn't like about them were horrible, but simply things that caused them not to be a good match for me. Maybe this is the reason I still care about each and every one of them, and wish them only the best. *shrugs*

I wish everyone had such a mature attitude about dating. I am concerned about how I paint my ex on these forums when discussing her, as she does have many admirable qualities. At one point I became able to pray for her. A couple of months later I was even able to pray for her and mean it. But even if I hated her (I don't) I would still pray for her, if for no other reason that she is someone who has an influence on my kids.

 

[Nautilus]

DO I harbor bitterness, sure I mean I was ready to settle down and start a family. Does it affect my day to day life currently? No...I have moved on and those things happened in the past. I rarely if ever even think about it anymore except at times like this where it is brought to the forefront but things happen for a reason, maybe we werent as compatible after all, things did start to drift apart. We also werent living in the most christian of circumstances at the time. If anything the relationship changed me for the better though I still wont forgive the way it ended. Though that doesnt cloud or taint the present.

 

[sunnygurl]

No I am not bitter, I chose to forgive just has I have been forgiven in Christ.
Does it take away my suffering and pain no, but it was an important part of my healing journey and the rebuilding that is required to wholeness.

Unforgiveness causes bitterness to the one that holds it, I believe bitterness is like an emotional cancer eating away at ones very soul. Therefore not very healthy.
There is a saying "When you forgive someone you set a captive free, and that captive is yourself" and I personally believe it is very true.

God can turn all things into positives, if we allow Him to do so. He can make something beautiful out of our ugly.

I know that acknowledging and accepting my own failings in the relationship was an extremely important part for my own healing and journey towards wholeness again. I do believe some people tend to blame the other person and hold no fault themselves and therefore they can never fix the problem as they believe it belongs to another - self denial never equals self improvement.

 

[iTOREtheSKY]

I was re-reading this thread again & thinking how much we let bitterness creep in at times & we don't even realize it until it's right in our face or we really listen to the words we speak...then it's like..." Oh man,is this really coming out of my mouth?" It's so hard at times,because if it's directed at a person you were married to/dated,etc... the emotions & connections of loving that person make it more personal & harder to move on from I think. Not for everyone,but for some. Forgiveness is paramount in killing bitterness & moving on. If we're not willing to do that & cling to our disappointments & hurts then God can't use us in the way He desires to.

 

[MissCris]

I was very bitter and angry about how my ex-husband ended things. It took me a really, really long time (well into my current marriage) to realize how much I was at fault, but even still, like just a few days ago, a memory pops up and I feel a little angry at that man. I've learned not to let myself ever dwell on it, I've had to forgive him and myself over and over again, and mostly, I am no longer bitter. Maybe in another 10 years, I'll be able to forget as well as forgive, and never think of it in anger

 

[SeatBelt]

Do you harbor bitterness toward an ex-spouse?
Do you think it's healthy?
Could you somehow turn it into a positive and allow God to use it for good?
Do you think some of us are unwilling to recognized our own failings in relationships?
Why do you think some people never miss an opportunity to dig at an ex?

I recently identified bitterness and resentment that had began to grow in me. It was like turning around to discover the weeds in the garden. It's almost as healthy as being boiled in lead, but God has been helping me root out the problem and together we are getting the garden weeded and set right. God Never Wastes A Hurt, so I know that he will use this to His glory in some way.
There are always those who do not acknowledge their own faults in any way.
I strive to miss opportunities for the dig, recognizing that this is unhealthy and that it is me lashing out unproductively in pain.