I had to go to bed. It was like 1am when I finally slept. Yeah I’m trying to see if maybe doing less will help.
ArtsieSteph's dad's cancer superthread
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I hope your mom takes time to sit with him. Any chance of quietly excusing yourself, when you can tell she's settling in for a while?
When I woke him up today his face looked like a skull. His cheeks and facial skin was all sunken in, his skin was pale and yellow, and his eyes were red outside. I was horrified. But once he woke up a bit and had some water suddenly he looks fine. What on earth does that even mean?!
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Yellow skin, even if it goes away in a minute, isn't good. (Liver trouble.) That's called "jaundice."
And, I have to warn you about something. By the time John was willing to go to the ER to find out what was wrong, he was breathing like he just ran a half mile dash. He was sweating so bad, his shirt was soaked, and he had just bathed and put on a clean shirt 5 minutes earlier. (We're both stubborn.) He was listless, and yet panicky at the same time. I remember what he looked like.
And yet I was totally startled when a nurse told me she knew something was very wrong because of how grey he was. I immediately looked at him to see what grey meant. He was grey! But I hadn't noticed that, because I saw him slowly turn that over a serious of days. There's a kind of blindness we hit because we know the person so well. We sometimes see what we want to see, and then dismiss those moments when we saw reality.
I truly wish I could give you good news, but I suspect one of two things:
-- He has another thing happening to him. (Might be another infection. Might be a side effect. Might be a number of things that can be dealt with, if his doctor sees him and knows what's causing it.)
-- He might be dying.
If I were you, I'd tell your mom what you saw to let her figure out what has to happen next.
Daddy is becoming desperately frustared, unwilling to respond, sort of off in his own world and frustrated when we try to reign him in. Please pray for my mom it is effecting her most.
Steph, get a grip on your fear. God didn't give you a spirit of fear. Trust the Holy Spirit within you: He knows about life and death and He will guide you through this. Let God have control.
He’s starting to get to the point where he’s fighting us a lot on things. We literally just had a 3 hour battle about taking a laxative.
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Your dad has been fighting all along. Look at what he has done. He got your house in shape enough to move. He's gone through every therapy there is to fight this and it has not been easy. He's immersed himself into the Lord in every way he could conceive to do that. How long has he been fighting this? Can you see the fight in him? I admire how much he has fought! The same thing I admired about Mom. He's facing this headlong.
Is he done fighting yet?
One of two things will happen here. Either he will keep fighting until his dying breath. Or he gives up. You're going to have to ask the ultimate question -- when is it time to give up?
Who gets to decide that? And it's a real question specifically because sometimes at its worse, it's not the cancer causing the problems, it's other stuff. An infection, the bowels stop working, (or work too much), jaundice, which might be fixable. The list keeps hitting in ways no one can imagine. When is hope for recovery ended? Because somewhere along that line, I waited for Mom to give up, knowing I'd have to decide if I'd let her. And only looking back do I know when she gave up, and realized I never let her. I would have, had I known that's what she was doing.
Might want to ask your dad what he is doing. He didn't want to take the laxative. Why was that? Because he trusted his body that it was working it out, or because he gave up? If no one asks, he won't tell.
Long ago, you were freaking that you wouldn't have your dad in five years, and when you said that five years was the best shot he had. You're there to help him through this, knowing this is likely to kill him. Ask him what he wants, and ask him if that is a long-term decision or today's decision. If it's long-term, then he isn't fighting anymore. If it's today's decision, help him fight, just for today.
Is he done fighting yet?
One of two things will happen here. Either he will keep fighting until his dying breath. Or he gives up. You're going to have to ask the ultimate question -- when is it time to give up?
Who gets to decide that? And it's a real question specifically because sometimes at its worse, it's not the cancer causing the problems, it's other stuff. An infection, the bowels stop working, (or work too much), jaundice, which might be fixable. The list keeps hitting in ways no one can imagine. When is hope for recovery ended? Because somewhere along that line, I waited for Mom to give up, knowing I'd have to decide if I'd let her. And only looking back do I know when she gave up, and realized I never let her. I would have, had I known that's what she was doing.
Might want to ask your dad what he is doing. He didn't want to take the laxative. Why was that? Because he trusted his body that it was working it out, or because he gave up? If no one asks, he won't tell.
Long ago, you were freaking that you wouldn't have your dad in five years, and when you said that five years was the best shot he had. You're there to help him through this, knowing this is likely to kill him. Ask him what he wants, and ask him if that is a long-term decision or today's decision. If it's long-term, then he isn't fighting anymore. If it's today's decision, help him fight, just for today.
Daddy is starting to refuse certain treatments and I honestly think he’s given up like 70% already. He has recently told me that he was going to basically fight me every time I to get him to do stuff.
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Ask him what he wants you to do for him. Because 70% is tired, not giving up yet. I'm seeing him as Moses with his staff above the battle. Moses got tired, so lowered his staff. Then the Israelites started losing. Still too tired to keep it risen, so Aaron and Joshua held it up with him. Ask your dad if he wants help raising the staff some more.
God knows the outcome of this battle, but your dad is the one with the staff in his hand. Is the Lord telling him to keep it up longer? If so, then are you his Aaron?
He has said in several situations he wanted me to “do it for him” but I think he meant having to take the cancer and treatment pain
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It is okay to ask for clarification. Don't keep trying to guess what he means. Ask until you know what he means.
I often don't get what someone means the first time, so I either go with, "I'm hearing _____. Is that what you meant?" Or "I don't get what you mean. Could you say it a different way so I have a chance to get it?"
And truthfully, it is often the case I didn't get what the person really meant, so I'm glad I asked.
One of the hardest things to do in life is to change circumstances with our parents. We spent the first two decades of our lives with the assumption, "They're the grownup, and I'm just the kid." They spent those same two decades thinking the exact same thing. AND both sides are correct.
But once we get to the point we're the grownup too, it's very hard to get through that we're grown now. And it's very hard for them to let go of "but she's my little girl." (Dad still thinks of me as his little girl. lol) But you have no choice now but to bang against that until he hears, (and she hears), "but I'm a grownup now." (Might want to use "adult," instead of grownup. Grownup is the word that rattles in my brain though.) More importantly, you have to bang against that wall where you keep telling yourself, "What do I know? I'm just a kid." In some cases you will always be "the kid." In this case, you have to be the grownup. You've earned the right to know what your parents want from you because you ARE the grownup too.
I now free you into that relationship with your dad, and it's going to require a lot of prayer too. Because he has two negatives going for him now. You're still his little girl. AND, he's tired, oh so tired. When he's really tired he goes on auto-pilot. He goes with what worked in the past. And what worked in his past with you for most of your life is you are his little girl.
You are. You will always be. But you are also a grownup, so it's okay to ask until you do understand, (or he falls asleep, or he gets seriously annoyed.)
We’re getting a hospice nurse to come to the house several times a week I think. I’m so confused as to what my role is gonna be now....and if he’ll qualify and/or actually do what the person says to do.
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I bet if you talk to the hospice nurse he'll be able to give you some hints of what you're supposed to do then. And, if you do that in front of your parents, the chances are better when you do your role that they won't second guess you so much. (They still will. Parents are like that at any age. lol)