Am I living wrongly because I suffer so much?

[raquellexxx]

For as long as I can remember, I've been single, except for 1-2 relationships, in which I gave more than the other side... Until recently, I didn't pay much attention to this, because I always believed that I would find my soulmate. I look at the people around me and they all are in relationships except me. I'm very sad and afraid for myself since I feel that the loneliness and fear have shattered me. I'm afraid that I'm not the same calm and cheerful person anymore.. I attend sessions with a specialist, but it is crucial for me to hear your opinion on this issue and get advice from you, because I really need it...

I've always used my social media accounts primarily for fun and to keep in touch with my friends. However, unfortunately, I began comparing myself to the people who have relationships and the amount of followers/friends they have. I tell myself, "How do you think you're going to find your Person when you don't have many friends on social media? If you have a lot of followers, only then, there is probably a chance for you to be noticed by someone." I can't express how extremely exhausting and destructive on my mental health this is. Even though I know people who have met on social networks and yet don't have many followers....

Also, I've never been a party person and I didn't like big companies. I have some good friends, but no companies. I don't have boy friends who could become anything more. I'm not a shy or socially anxious person, there are just people who like to be among many people, but there are also those who don't like and I'm from the second one. Therefore, I constantly torture my mind with questions like ''Should I change myself completely? Should I start forcing and pushing myself among companies with more people, even though it will make me feel uncomfortable and not good? Is that the only solution and key for finding My Person?''

When it comes to dancing or social hobbies, unfortunately, the things I like to do aren't social and at the moment, there is nothing new I would like to try. Should that terrify me? Does this really mean that I'm doomed to never meet my partner in life? I am afraid that I live my life wrongly, dooming myself to loneliness and unhappiness. But do I really have to change who I am? Isn't it important to stay true to who you are? Should I start forcing myself to get a lot of followers, push myself into companies, and go to activities that aren't interesting to me, just because those are the ways to find a boyfriend? I really feel awful and desperate, as if I am in a huge black hole, from which there is no escape and no light ...

 

[tourist]

I've always used my social media accounts primarily for fun and to keep in touch with my friends. However, unfortunately, I began comparing myself to the people who have relationships and the amount of followers/friends they have. I tell myself, "How do you think you're going to find your Person when you don't have many friends on social media? If you have a lot of followers, only then, there is probably a chance for you to be noticed by someone." .

I believe that the more friends one has the least significant each one becomes. You don't need a lot of friends but rather than just best friend.

I wouldn't pay much attention to the amount of followers, most of which you will never know and they will never know you. The problem lies in comparing yourself to others. Put the focus on your personal relationship with God because His opinion of you is all that really matters.

I highly recommend that you pray to God to search and find the one of your hearts desire. That is what I did and others as well. Forget about social media in regards to friends and followers. In the meantime just remember that you will always have a friend in Jesus.

 

[Subhumanoidal]

For as long as I can remember, I've been single, except for 1-2 relationships, in which I gave more than the other side... Until recently, I didn't pay much attention to this, because I always believed that I would find my soulmate. I look at the people around me and they all are in relationships except me. I'm very sad and afraid for myself since I feel that the loneliness and fear have shattered me. I'm afraid that I'm not the same calm and cheerful person anymore.. I attend sessions with a specialist, but it is crucial for me to hear your opinion on this issue and get advice from you, because I really need it...

I've always used my social media accounts primarily for fun and to keep in touch with my friends. However, unfortunately, I began comparing myself to the people who have relationships and the amount of followers/friends they have. I tell myself, "How do you think you're going to find your Person when you don't have many friends on social media? If you have a lot of followers, only then, there is probably a chance for you to be noticed by someone." I can't express how extremely exhausting and destructive on my mental health this is. Even though I know people who have met on social networks and yet don't have many followers....

Also, I've never been a party person and I didn't like big companies. I have some good friends, but no companies. I don't have boy friends who could become anything more. I'm not a shy or socially anxious person, there are just people who like to be among many people, but there are also those who don't like and I'm from the second one. Therefore, I constantly torture my mind with questions like ''Should I change myself completely? Should I start forcing and pushing myself among companies with more people, even though it will make me feel uncomfortable and not good? Is that the only solution and key for finding My Person?''

When it comes to dancing or social hobbies, unfortunately, the things I like to do aren't social and at the moment, there is nothing new I would like to try. Should that terrify me? Does this really mean that I'm doomed to never meet my partner in life? I am afraid that I live my life wrongly, dooming myself to loneliness and unhappiness. But do I really have to change who I am? Isn't it important to stay true to who you are? Should I start forcing myself to get a lot of followers, push myself into companies, and go to activities that aren't interesting to me, just because those are the ways to find a boyfriend? I really feel awful and desperate, as if I am in a huge black hole, from which there is no escape and no light ...

If you think social media is a determination on your ability to find a mate, then yes you are living wrong. Social media, in moderation, is fine. But once you begin placing your value in your social media status and follower count you Have doomed yourself until you come out of it.
For years now there have been studies showing how destructive social media can be when too much emphasis is placed on it.

Before social media, chat rooms and computers people still met and dated and married, so clearly it'd not required.

Soul mates don't exist. It is a pagan concept, not a biblical one.

If you're defining your worth by your dating/marriage status, you're making bad choices. Unhappy people that get married don't become happy, they bring unhappiness into their marriage and ruin it. Learning to be happy with yourself being single and not a social media idiot is your first necessary step.
Both being married and single have pro's and con's, neither is actually better. Just different.

And finding yourself single after many years is happier than being married and wishing you were single again because of a bad marriage.

I pay no attention to my social media presence. I have a fb I use once a day and don't even use it for social things. I have some family and friends and that's it. And yet I'm still able to date. With zero followers. Nor am I one to party, dance, go out, etc... I'm a disabled introvert with no social presence and a great girlfriend. Hmm...

In your other thread wasn't it all about how you were trying to get to the US? And how hard you worked to make it happen? And now you're complaining about being single?
So if your goal and focus, for years, has been to move to the US why would you be worried about dating?

And if i recall you're still in your 20's, yet you seem to think your life is over and nothing you want can ever come of it. You've got another 40+ years to live, nothing is done. It's just getting started.

Being yourself is the right thing, pretending to be something you're not will cause you to lose everything in the long run.
But that doesn't mean you can't search yourself out for wrong thinking and behaviors and attitudes. That's a responsibility of all people.

I suggest learning to slow down, quit drawing lines in the sand and instead learn. Focus on Personal growth rather than dating, social media, moving, etc... and if something is bad in your life, work at changing it.
I believe you would benefit greatly by shifting your focus onto healthier things. And by doing so and growing as a person you may find doors open that were previously closed. Because then you'll be able to handle them. Currently you don't see as though you could.

 

[Lynx]

There is much peace to gain when we stop trying to make things happen just because others tell us we "need" them, and start exploring the life we already have.

There is SOOOOOOO much more to life than being single or married. To focus on "I have to find a spouse" and put the rest of our lives on hold is like starving to death because we don't have that one, last, rare ingredient for the soup we want to make. Just make the soup already... or a casserole, or pizza, or quiche, or whatever you have in your life's pantry. Live life while you have it.

Time is the ultimate nonrenewable resource. Spend it wisely, because when it is gone you won't get any more. (Protip: Ice cream is a very good investment of time.)

 

[tourist]

Time is the ultimate nonrenewable resource. Spend it wisely, because when it is gone you won't get any more. (Protip: Ice cream is a very good investment of time.)

This is true whether or not you are married. I'm trending towards pistachio 'cause I'm a wild and crazy guy. Well, at least I was during my single years. Your statement on time was profound.

 

[tourist]

If you think social media is a determination on your ability to find a mate, then yes you are living wrong. Social media, in moderation, is fine. But once you begin placing your value in your social media status and follower count you Have doomed yourself until you come out of it.
For years now there have been studies showing how destructive social media can be when too much emphasis is placed on it.

Before social media, chat rooms and computers people still met and dated and married, so clearly it'd not required.

Soul mates don't exist. It is a pagan concept, not a biblical one.

If you're defining your worth by your dating/marriage status, you're making bad choices. Unhappy people that get married don't become happy, they bring unhappiness into their marriage and ruin it. Learning to be happy with yourself being single and not a social media idiot is your first necessary step.
Both being married and single have pro's and con's, neither is actually better. Just different.

And finding yourself single after many years is happier than being married and wishing you were single again because of a bad marriage.

I pay no attention to my social media presence. I have a fb I use once a day and don't even use it for social things. I have some family and friends and that's it. And yet I'm still able to date. With zero followers. Nor am I one to party, dance, go out, etc... I'm a disabled introvert with no social presence and a great girlfriend. Hmm...

In your other thread wasn't it all about how you were trying to get to the US? And how hard you worked to make it happen? And now you're complaining about being single?
So if your goal and focus, for years, has been to move to the US why would you be worried about dating?

And if i recall you're still in your 20's, yet you seem to think your life is over and nothing you want can ever come of it. You've got another 40+ years to live, nothing is done. It's just getting started.

Being yourself is the right thing, pretending to be something you're not will cause you to lose everything in the long run.
But that doesn't mean you can't search yourself out for wrong thinking and behaviors and attitudes. That's a responsibility of all people.

I suggest learning to slow down, quit drawing lines in the sand and instead learn. Focus on Personal growth rather than dating, social media, moving, etc... and if something is bad in your life, work at changing it.
I believe you would benefit greatly by shifting your focus onto healthier things. And by doing so and growing as a person you may find doors open that were previously closed. Because then you'll be able to handle them. Currently you don't see as though you could.

A well spoken and thoughtful reply. When your in your 20's your life indeed is just beginning. I have lived the another 40+ years and still, with the grace of God, continue to move forward in life. I agree that you should always be yourself. Agree also with searching yourself out for wrong thinking. Through the years God has helped me remove a lot of clutter that didn't belong in my mind and in my life. I pay no attention to social media either.

 

[SoulWeaver]

I believe that the more friends one has the least significant each one becomes. You don't need a lot of friends but rather than just best friend.

This is very true. I only have 2 best friends in real life. Ultimately, one can only have a few friends that significant (in real life). It's not that we don't want or like having more friends, it's that we as humans have limited resources (time, energy) and we end up focusing on a few people in our lives that we are devoted to the most. There's essentially nothing wrong with that, and we can still give to others and be there for others, we just can't be everything to everyone. An elder lady warned me long ago, "we (her husband and her) thought we had dozens of friends for the longest time; but when hard times came, only two of them stayed; almost no one can have more than two or three real friends in life at a time". Not that we should condemn people, but that's just how it is and we are not prepared to accept this, it can cause a lot of pain to watch it unfold.

 

[SoulWeaver]

For as long as I can remember, I've been single, except for 1-2 relationships, in which I gave more than the other side... Until recently, I didn't pay much attention to this, because I always believed that I would find my soulmate. I look at the people around me and they all are in relationships except me. I'm very sad and afraid for myself since I feel that the loneliness and fear have shattered me. I'm afraid that I'm not the same calm and cheerful person anymore.. I attend sessions with a specialist, but it is crucial for me to hear your opinion on this issue and get advice from you, because I really need it...

I constantly torture my mind with questions

I really feel awful and desperate, as if I am in a huge black hole, from which there is no escape and no light ...

Dear Raquelle, it seems to me that you're focused on the trees here (your thoughts), they are distracting you too much to notice the forest..........
Have you been evaluated for depression, or another mood disorder? I don't know what kind of specialist are you seeing... But depression or mood disorders can change our worldview and outlook and thoughts, and severely so. Not enjoying things one used to do, having low self esteem, constant negative mind chatter, having no hope and feeling like everything is dark, having no motivation... all these are just a few SYMPTOMS of depression and similar disorders.

The fact that you have very specific predetermined expectations of yourself and your life won't help you feel better.
It's as if you swore an oath to yourself: "I won't be happy, except I have achieved such and such".
But believe me, if you are not happy now, you will not be happy after you have achieved this, maybe short term but that initial thrill will quickly pass and you will feel the same. Because you have not learned the skill of how to be happy with yourself and what you have in the present moment. Until you develop that skill, all you do will just be patching things up. Just think about it. In the past, you might get something you want, but the joy from that quickly wanes, and did not provide lasting happiness or peace. Rinse&repeat. That lasting peace is found only in God.

Acceptance of yourself and the present moment is a huge step in overcoming depression. There is a lot of happiness and peace that can be found in small things. Take a brisk or slow walk in the evening, you will sleep better. Watch a river flow. Sip a tasty coffee. Enjoy a sunset. Lie down in the grass, watch the clouds flow slowly. Take a nap in the shadow of a big tree. Take it easy. Pet the cat, then take a nap together. (I totally recommend to get a cuddly one). Take a deep breath. And if you still feel it's too hard to be you, take a break from being you for a moment. Try to go back to that blank moment in the morning, when you have just woke up, when the mind is still silent, and it didn't yet sink in where are you, who you are, or what your current wishes or problems are. Just sit with God, and be still.

 

[TheIndianGirl]

An elder lady warned me long ago, "we (her husband and her) thought we had dozens of friends for the longest time; but when hard times came, only two of them stayed; almost no one can have more than two or three real friends in life at a time".

I have a handful of friends who I know will not be there for me in hard times. For example during certain times of urgency they did not respond immediately. So, I wonder if I should go ahead and reduce/eliminate contact with them. Some of these friends are busy with new families, but still...

 

[Lanolin]

what exactly are you going to do with your partner in life you havent even met yet just wondering.

Peronally I think you are stressing and worrying about nothing. Look When Jesus wanted disciples he went out and called 12 guys..,maybe he even called MORE than that to follow him. He didnt wait for them to come to him, like he didnt put a sign out, sit at home and expect them to turn up at his door or pull stunts to make them notice him. He was just being himself.

If you want friends you go out and make friends and be friendly. But nobodys saying you have to be social all the time. Being TOO social can actually be quite exhausting for people. I dont think its an all or nothing thing as you are making out.

 

[laughingheart]

There is much peace to gain when we stop trying to make things happen just because others tell us we "need" them, and start exploring the life we already have.

There is SOOOOOOO much more to life than being single or married. To focus on "I have to find a spouse" and put the rest of our lives on hold is like starving to death because we don't have that one, last, rare ingredient for the soup we want to make. Just make the soup already... or a casserole, or pizza, or quiche, or whatever you have in your life's pantry. Live life while you have it.

Time is the ultimate nonrenewable resource. Spend it wisely, because when it is gone you won't get any more. (Protip: Ice cream is a very good investment of time.)

Is there any hope for happiness for the lactose intolerant? Sniffle, sigh, slowly advancing towards the fresh chocolate chip cookies that are causing a ruckus in the kitchen. Things are looking up.

 

[Lynx]

Is there any hope for happiness for the lactose intolerant? Sniffle, sigh, slowly advancing towards the fresh chocolate chip cookies that are causing a ruckus in the kitchen. Things are looking up.

I found peace and contentment in goat dairy. It has a bit of lactose, but not nearly as much. As I mentioned to a friend just last night, I can eat a whole block of goat cheese with less sinus crud than one lousy slice of cow cheese.

And they do make ice cream out of goat milk. Cherry chocolate chip ice cream.

 

[Kireina]

I dont have the exact answer because i know that everyone has different ways to get by...

Let me just tell you a lil bit of me..I am a woman in my 40's I wanted to get married early but it didnt happen because I spent my younger years taking care of my family...sending my siblings to college and taking care of my old parents...

When I hit 30 I started hearing everyone asking me when Im getting married telling me to get married already so that I can still have kids because they say it is hard to be alone and old. Yeahhh the fear mongering loved ones and strangers 😅

Honestly, sometimes I am scared to be alone,sometimes I wish there's someone curled up there fast asleep beside me at night...sometimes,I wish I have kids even just one kid... I am actually a Lil scared of being a mom 😅 but I know that I have so much more love to give 😊

I am now past 40...I start to wonder if I'll ever get married in the future...I don't know... maybe yes...if it will going to happen I'll be happy if it will not I think that is totally OK for me...Married or not I know that I can't completely avoid loneliness.


Single or in a relationship we need to learn to focus on the positive and we need to know how to pull ourselves out of overthinking because if we let overthinking take over our life it can grow into fear and our fear will make us become desperate... and when we are desperate it clouds our clear judgement over certain things And We end up settling for less than we deserve in a relationship...this happened to me...I heard this all the time " it is better to be single than to end up with the wrong man" I guess this is so true 😊

Be true to who you are no matter who you are with hiding the true you, will make you feel miserable and unhappy.

Contentment is the key 😊
Be content with what you have not with what you don't have...let things unfold in their own time be patient😊 God knows everything in our lives our past present and our future. Grow,be ready and wait in the Lord.

God bless you and Welcome to Christian Chat Raquel ❤

 

[laughingheart]

I found peace and contentment in goat dairy. It has a bit of lactose, but not nearly as much. As I mentioned to a friend just last night, I can eat a whole block of goat cheese with less sinus crud than one lousy slice of cow cheese.

And they do make ice cream out of goat milk. Cherry chocolate chip ice cream.

Lynx you give me hope for a brighter tomorrow.

 

[tourist]

I have a handful of friends who I know will not be there for me in hard times. For example during certain times of urgency they did not respond immediately. So, I wonder if I should go ahead and reduce/eliminate contact with them. Some of these friends are busy with new families, but still...

There are friends and then there are acquaintances. I believe that the reason they did not respond immediately in certain times of urgency is, that they are, like you have said, busy with their new families. This is understandable.

 

[oldethennew]

God tells us that family is first through the Law of Marriage -
while in the world, we assume that we have boo-coodles of 'friends',
but when the .... hits the fan, and no one responds, they are gone with
the wind of the fan!
after Conversion, true friends will be of The Body of Christ, but,
they are few and far between...
this is why we Love Jesus and count on Him to be our Best Friend first'...

 

[cinder]

For as long as I can remember, I've been single, except for 1-2 relationships, in which I gave more than the other side... Until recently, I didn't pay much attention to this, because I always believed that I would find my soulmate. I look at the people around me and they all are in relationships except me. I'm very sad and afraid for myself since I feel that the loneliness and fear have shattered me. I'm afraid that I'm not the same calm and cheerful person anymore.. I attend sessions with a specialist, but it is crucial for me to hear your opinion on this issue and get advice from you, because I really need it...

I've always used my social media accounts primarily for fun and to keep in touch with my friends. However, unfortunately, I began comparing myself to the people who have relationships and the amount of followers/friends they have. I tell myself, "How do you think you're going to find your Person when you don't have many friends on social media? If you have a lot of followers, only then, there is probably a chance for you to be noticed by someone." I can't express how extremely exhausting and destructive on my mental health this is. Even though I know people who have met on social networks and yet don't have many followers....

Also, I've never been a party person and I didn't like big companies. I have some good friends, but no companies. I don't have boy friends who could become anything more. I'm not a shy or socially anxious person, there are just people who like to be among many people, but there are also those who don't like and I'm from the second one. Therefore, I constantly torture my mind with questions like ''Should I change myself completely? Should I start forcing and pushing myself among companies with more people, even though it will make me feel uncomfortable and not good? Is that the only solution and key for finding My Person?''

When it comes to dancing or social hobbies, unfortunately, the things I like to do aren't social and at the moment, there is nothing new I would like to try. Should that terrify me? Does this really mean that I'm doomed to never meet my partner in life? I am afraid that I live my life wrongly, dooming myself to loneliness and unhappiness. But do I really have to change who I am? Isn't it important to stay true to who you are? Should I start forcing myself to get a lot of followers, push myself into companies, and go to activities that aren't interesting to me, just because those are the ways to find a boyfriend? I really feel awful and desperate, as if I am in a huge black hole, from which there is no escape and no light ...

I'm going to echo a lot of what others have said. If social media is the gateway for lots of negative thoughts to enter your mind and plague you, then unplug for a while and just quit the social media, there is life outside of computers. Also comparing yourself to people on social media (even your friends) is like comparing your life with the plot of your favorite movie. You're comparing all of your stuff with the highlights of other people's. And that's one reason why it's important to be involved with real people to keep a handle on the fact that social media updates don't equal real life.

There's plenty of single people out there, but there's no reason being single has to mean being miserable. And there's nothing wrong with being introverted. Stretching your comfort zone may be a good thing, but if you don't like parties or crowded spaces now, it's very unlikely that forcing yourself to go and participate will make you like them anymore. Group socializing is almost always work for introverts no matter how good they get at it.

The other thing I tend to tell people, is you won't know that you're never going to meet or have a life partner until the day you die never having had one. There may be one two months down the road; there may be one twenty years down the road; or there may never be one. The question is, if the right guy doesn't come along for the next 20 years or more, what are you going to do in the meantime. Because that's seriously a good chunk of your life and you can choose now to spend it on things you enjoy rather than on worrying about something you aren't in control of. And I also recommend becoming as self sufficient as you can; that will benefit you whenever your guy comes along (and then after he passes and leaves you a widow because if there is a guy, one of you is likely to die and leave the other one alone (fairy tales never seem to get to that part)).

 

[SoulWeaver]

I have a handful of friends who I know will not be there for me in hard times. For example during certain times of urgency they did not respond immediately. So, I wonder if I should go ahead and reduce/eliminate contact with them. Some of these friends are busy with new families, but still...

Like @tourist said, some of this is normal and understandable.
It's like when one of the people in the group gets a boyfriend or girlfriend, or gets married, or gets kids, and has significantly less time for their friends, or constantly talks about kids. Things like this can easily separate people without any ill intent, and single people often end up hanging out with singles, young moms end up hanging out with other young moms, and families with kids end up barbecuing with other families who have kids. It is what it is, people are so very driven by their current interest.

People have limited resources, and whenever they focus on something, their resources will be withdrawn from other areas in their life. There may be times when even the best friend might not be there for you and regret it later, maybe they have something going on, their own problems. I had periods when I isolated myself for months and months because of depression. I was off phone and off the internet, finally a few friends in real life looked for me because they got worried. But if someone is not there for you continually, you just need to accept that you can't really count on them. You don't have to cut people off, just accept what they are willing to give, so you don't get disappointed or burn yourself out, if you feel your attention and energy isn't appreciated, or reciprocated, because you don't want to end up feeling bitter.

It sucks really, I assume from your words that you don't believe in "associates" and "acquaintances" either, I don't like superficial "friendships" myself (what is the point?), but that's how most people function, through that "networking". I guess it's an extrovert thing. I'm still working on accepting it myself. Honestly I feel much better trying to provide support/prayer/comfort and be there for people on this forum that I don't know, than superficially hanging out with superficial acquaintances that I do know from real life and talking about the weather.

 

[Lanolin]

this post kind of reminded me about this childrens book series I just started reading, called DORK DIARIES.
The protagonist is a 14 year old girl who has lots of dramas because she cares so much about what other people think of her. She attends a private school on scholarship as her dad is the pest exterminator and so does NOT fit in.
she happens to have a locker right next to her nemesis who is the most popular and pretty girl in the school, but popular and pretty also means shes a vicious snob who looks down on anyone not as rich and elite as she is.

cue many dramas and angst as our 'dork' tries in vain to make herself popular with the in crowd, getting all the accoutrments when she can illl aford it.

its like every mean girl movie on repeat. If this sounds a little like you, maybe have a read and find out what she learns over the course of the series....

 

[up]

I have a handful of friends who I know will not be there for me in hard times. For example during certain times of urgency they did not respond immediately. So, I wonder if I should go ahead and reduce/eliminate contact with them. Some of these friends are busy with new families, but still...

yes, ig, know the feeling, unfortunaly, still could love and pray from a distance and let God be, well... G❤️D