Am I doing the right thing?

[Julie32]

Hi guys and girls, I'm new here so here is a little bit about myself. I am a single parent of twin 7yr old girls, both of whom are Catholic like myself and attend church every Sunday .

My first post is regarding if I am doing the right thing or am I being harsh. I always make sure that the girls have jackets on before they leave the house, unless it's a very pleasant day because I don't drive. The girls are happy to wear their jackets when its cold, wet and certainly during the winter so that is ok. The problem I get is that they will not zip their jackets up so, after I have asked them to do that and I get no response, I go over to them and do it myself, even at the schoolgate but the girls think that is unfair.

So, what are your thoughts on this issue, what would you peeps do?

 

[Dino246]

Welcome Julie,
My suggestions would only be paraphrases from a book I found very helpful, so I'll just point you to the book: Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. They are Christians and counselors. The book deals with relationships of all kinds, but it has some examples of dealing with children that are helpful. There is also a related book by the same authors written for parents of young children.

Another book you might find helpful is Grace-Based Parenting by Tim Kimmel.

 

[MartinL65]

Dear Julie,
just to make sure that I understood properly: your daughters are happy to wear their jackets, but they do not want to zip them up, even when it is cold and rainy outside. Is this correct? If yes, you probably asked them WHY. What is their answer? Is it a I-do-not-look-cool-with-my-jacket-closed thing? Sorry, I do not want to bother you, but I feel need to know this before I can give a comment.

 

[memyselfi]

Hi guys and girls, I'm new here so here is a little bit about myself. I am a single parent of twin 7yr old girls, both of whom are Catholic like myself and attend church every Sunday .

My first post is regarding if I am doing the right thing or am I being harsh. I always make sure that the girls have jackets on before they leave the house, unless it's a very pleasant day because I don't drive. The girls are happy to wear their jackets when its cold, wet and certainly during the winter so that is ok. The problem I get is that they will not zip their jackets up so, after I have asked them to do that and I get no response, I go over to them and do it myself, even at the schoolgate but the girls think that is unfair.

So, what are your thoughts on this issue, what would you peeps do?

Do they come home zipped?

Cold, even a 7 year old knows that... Not zipped even a 7 year old(s) know what they want. Are you kind of strange?

 

[RickyZ]

Give a man a fish, he eats for a day. Teach a man to fish, he eats for a lifetime.

Let them get cold a couple times. They'll learn.

 

[Genipher]

While I understand this is an obedience issue, I'd be tempted to just have them wear a sweater. No zipping required and they still stay warm.

 

[Subhumanoidal]

Hi guys and girls, I'm new here so here is a little bit about myself. I am a single parent of twin 7yr old girls, both of whom are Catholic like myself and attend church every Sunday .

My first post is regarding if I am doing the right thing or am I being harsh. I always make sure that the girls have jackets on before they leave the house, unless it's a very pleasant day because I don't drive. The girls are happy to wear their jackets when its cold, wet and certainly during the winter so that is ok. The problem I get is that they will not zip their jackets up so, after I have asked them to do that and I get no response, I go over to them and do it myself, even at the schoolgate but the girls think that is unfair.

So, what are your thoughts on this issue, what would you peeps do?

Are they warm enough without zipping them up? Maybe they are and that's why they don't want to zip them up.
Perhaps the jackets feel too constricting zipped up and they don't like that feeling.
If they're going to be outside for an extended period of time I'd understand. If they're just outside for a few minutes or less then is it really worth it?
Picking your battles is a worthwhile lesson to figure out. What things are really not worth the effort?

But, really, when it comes to disobedience it's really simple. Consistent discipline and standards. Make standards, enforce them consistently. Provide fair (and when possible) immediate and related punishments.
Just make sure it's something that's worth the battle rather than you pushing something unnecessary.

 

[Agbarogi]

Just do what is right for them but use love to make them understand why they have to zip it up don't force them

 

[Locoponydirtman]

Just do what is right for them but use love to make them understand why they have to zip it up don't force them

Well sadly sometime force is required. Discipline your children now or they will discipline you later.
Before we start punishing as such let's find out why they don't want their coat zipped up. It could be fit or function.

My philosophy is to make the right thing easy and the wrong thing difficult. That way it is their action that determines how well things go for them.
For an example, if it's a matter of just rejecting what they are being told. I may say zip your coat and if they don't I would use a couple of belts as closures. Some old leather belts around the out side. Or even some string tied around them to hold the coat closed. So it becomes easier for them to do as you asked and zip up, than to look silly with a couple of old belts buckled around them or some string tied around them. I never warn them either. I ask and if I do not get results I impose the consequences. also never do it for them. Don't do for them what you asked them to do for themselves.
But before you impose any punishment make sure that there is not a legitimate reason for their resistance. Fit or function.

 

[MessageOfTheCross]

Welcome Julie,
My suggestions would only be paraphrases from a book I found very helpful, so I'll just point you to the book: Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. They are Christians and counselors. The book deals with relationships of all kinds, but it has some examples of dealing with children that are helpful. There is also a related book by the same authors written for parents of young children.

Another book you might find helpful is Grace-Based Parenting by Tim Kimmel.

Once you leave the Cross to fix the problem...on your best day all you can do is patch it up! You cannot fix it. Because only the Cross deals with sin.

 

[PennEd]

Zippering a Jacket! You started an account here, and a thread over zippering a jacket?

Umm.. Yeah.. Zipper them up!

 

[Dino246]

Once you leave the Cross to fix the problem...on your best day all you can do is patch it up! You cannot fix it. Because only the Cross deals with sin.

While bringing the concern to Jesus is certainly part of the solution, Jesus doesn't give wisdom through His people for us to ignore. That is the same attitude that wonders why God didn't save the man from the flood, after God sent rescuers three times. There is nothing wrong with reading a book or two and gleaning some biblically-based wisdom from them, and one doing so isn't "leaving the cross".

 

[Angela53510]

Lots of good answers here. I personally think you are being too controlling. I have 4 children. We lived in Vancouver BC, it rained in winter, my kids had warm clothes, waterproof, seasonally appropriate. I can't remember ever telling them to zip or unzip. Children learn by making mistakes. Unless life and death is involved, like stopping them from running across a busy street, let them learn to take care of themselves.

Training up a child, means teaching them to be independent, and to make their own decisions. My father was incredibly controlling. I ran away from home at 17, never went back. My brother who is 3 years younger than me, still lives at home, in the basement, he is 62. My dad told him everything he had to do. I remember in his 20's my brother bought himself a stereo, my dad told him to take it back, as he would find a cheaper one. My husband intervened and told him he was emotionally crippling my brother, by controlling him. My dad didn't listen. My brother was depressed, spent a year in a mental hospital, came out with a diagnosis of Dependent Personality Disorder, along with Narcissistic and Borderline Personality Disorders. He also has Diogenes Syndrome, also related.

I know you don't want your daughters to end up like my brother. But to be functional, happy adults, they need to be given freedom, and you need to trust them.

I'm also concerned about your Catholicism. I would ask you to read the Bible. Start in John, then Matthew, Mark and Luke. Get a picture of who Jesus is, and what he came to do. Look for all the references for a giant, hierarchical mega church. They aren't there. Yet the Catholic Church twists a few verses, pulls the Peter verse out of context, and claims salvation is through the church! We ARE the church! Jesus saves, not Mary or the church or the sacraments. We can talk more about that later. I do hope you will pick up a Bible, and find Jesus.