God has to be our ultimate source of joy and peace. But, to get to that place... I hear Christians say they are there (I truly wonder if they understand what they're saying). I am not, and not sure how to get there. And, until I do, I feel lost without the basics of this life: job/career/purpose, mate, and friends.
I have thought about suicide, but a) my survival instinct's too great, b) I would hurt too many people, and c) I'm not sure how God would respond to it. Ultimately, that tells God that we did not trust His way for us, and I'm not sure what would happen after my soul left my body.
Job went through a terrestrial Hell. I have experienced what I call a "Job-lite": joblessness, homelessness, and my wife having gone Home before I did, and at a young age. I am now unemployed again, and I still am alone. I'm worried about losing my little mobile home. I am 58, and I am asking God, "When is this going to stop? WILL it ever stop? I do not want to live this way. I know I am to be clay in your hands, but must my life be this way until the end?? Must the painful "sculpting" go on perpetually? Most Christians seem to have periods of blessing and disciplining. After 14+ years of being without a woman in my life (and getting less pretty each day), and with the past 6 or so years experiencing very choppy waters employment-wise, and now being in AZ for 3.5 years and still with zero social life, how much longer is this going to go on?? I know I need to trust Your wisdom. Help me to do that, but please... please... take Your heavy hand from me the millisecond it is possible!"