A Tormented Man.

[SilverBigBack]

(NOTICE: SENSETIVE TOPIC)

Hello All.

I do not know if it is wise for me to say what I am about to say, but thanks to internet anonymity there should not be any serious consequences if I have gravely blundered. If this post somehow violates anything or is greatly offensive I have no reluctance in removing it.
I am looking for Biblical insight for the sake of an... afflicted friend.
Said friend is a man just into his twenties.
He is a convicted believer. I am confident, at least, that God has saved him.
He carries a desire to marry and have a family... a good thing from God, right? But he also carries a great weight of shame. You see, from childhood he was drawn to "bigger" members of the opposite sex. He says this was completely involuntary.
His problem, as he sees it, is that he is attracted to the sin of gluttony in a partner (equating a larger person to a glutton). And therefore, he says, he cannot rightly act on his desire to be a husband, and still do so to please God. He has tried to change what he is attracted to but reportedly failed, and now he is trying to focus on being single. But I can see that he is a man in torment.

I know this is a bizarre situation, and I also know that CC and anything on the internet is not a reliable source of wisdom. But I do not know how to approach this issue. I chose this forum because both my friend and I would be considered young adults. I find his pain quite contagious; and I fear he may have anger at God underneath all of this.

Of course Paul tells us in 1 Cor. 7:8 that it is better to be single than married, to pursue God. But my friend's desire for an otherwise traditional and godly marriage, to my understanding, was always considered to be given by God.

Thoughts?

 

[Magenta]

If this post somehow violates anything or is greatly offensive I have no reluctance in removing it.

You cannot do so, only the mod can, and he approved it, so he is not likely to remove it.

 

[SilverBigBack]

You cannot do so, only the mod can, and he approved it, so he is not likely to remove it.

Ah. My bad. Well the "new member" excuse still applies to me, so I fall back on that.

 

[MsMediator]

I am unclear why/how your friend feels shame, and why he cannot act on his desire to be a husband? Because is attracted to plus size women? Is it a fetish? Or because he is attracted to women who eat a lot/engage in gluttony?

 

[SilverBigBack]

I am unclear why/how your friend feels shame, and why he cannot act on his desire to be a husband? Because is attracted to plus size women? Is it a fetish? Or because he is attracted to women who eat a lot/engage in gluttony?

From what I've said with him, I believe he would say to this something along the lines of "Gluttony is what causes people to get like that." And possibly something along the lines of 1 Cor. 6:19 (Honor God through your body because it is His temple). These things make him sure his preferences(?) are wrong. And (I can see the logic here) he would not want to pursue relationship where he is encouraging something sinful.
I'm not sure of the details other than that, except that he pursues sexual purity and maintains accountability relationships.
To be honest he is a guy who allows others opinions to influence him and I wonder how much of his shame comes from peer factors...

 

[Ceph]

From what I've said with him, I believe he would say to this something along the lines of "Gluttony is what causes people to get like that." And possibly something along the lines of 1 Cor. 6:19 (Honor God through your body because it is His temple). These things make him sure his preferences(?) are wrong. And (I can see the logic here) he would not want to pursue relationship where he is encouraging something sinful.
I'm not sure of the details other than that, except that he pursues sexual purity and maintains accountability relationships.
To be honest he is a guy who allows others opinions to influence him and I wonder how much of his shame comes from peer factors...

It's a problem if he's attracted to the point where they're unhealthy, but if he would like active & healthy women who just happen to overeat & get a little padding, God wouldn't find anything wrong with that.

 

[seoulsearch]

(NOTICE: SENSETIVE TOPIC)

Hello All.

I do not know if it is wise for me to say what I am about to say, but thanks to internet anonymity there should not be any serious consequences if I have gravely blundered. If this post somehow violates anything or is greatly offensive I have no reluctance in removing it.
I am looking for Biblical insight for the sake of an... afflicted friend.
Said friend is a man just into his twenties.
He is a convicted believer. I am confident, at least, that God has saved him.
He carries a desire to marry and have a family... a good thing from God, right? But he also carries a great weight of shame. You see, from childhood he was drawn to "bigger" members of the opposite sex. He says this was completely involuntary.
His problem, as he sees it, is that he is attracted to the sin of gluttony in a partner (equating a larger person to a glutton). And therefore, he says, he cannot rightly act on his desire to be a husband, and still do so to please God. He has tried to change what he is attracted to but reportedly failed, and now he is trying to focus on being single. But I can see that he is a man in torment.

I know this is a bizarre situation, and I also know that CC and anything on the internet is not a reliable source of wisdom. But I do not know how to approach this issue. I chose this forum because both my friend and I would be considered young adults. I find his pain quite contagious; and I fear he may have anger at God underneath all of this.

Of course Paul tells us in 1 Cor. 7:8 that it is better to be single than married, to pursue God. But my friend's desire for an otherwise traditional and godly marriage, to my understanding, was always considered to be given by God.

Thoughts?

Hi SilverBigBack,

Welcome to CC! It's great to see you jumping right in, both participating in the threads and also writing your own. Kudos to you!

Please don't think I'm trying to be sarcastic or mocking in any way, but I am confused as to why your friend is tormented about being attracted to heavier women. Yes, I agree that gluttony is a sin. I always find it ironic that many people in church (I grew up in church culture) are so eager to point out the sins of others -- but never acknowledge the fact that they are 50, 75, 100 lbs. overweight. Somehow, they see everyone else's sins as being gravely more serious than their own (if they will even acknowledge their own bad choices regarding food to be sin.)

I say that not in judgment (I find myself in an uphill battle with food everyday myself, even though I'm considered normal size,) but if your friend believes he can't marry a woman who sins through gluttony -- why is he particular about that specific sin?

Because any woman he meets is going to have to have some kind of sin.

To me, it would be like saying he has to meet a perfect woman without ANY sin.

On the flipside, I'm imagining a woman who says she can't marry a man who is addicted to pornography. Maybe she has reasons why she doesn't feel she can handle that kind of sin. But then it can become a question of, what about other sins besides this?

In this case, what about the other sins the woman will have in her life? Why is it specifically the sin of gluttony that will trip him up?

I am not trying to be rude in anyway -- I'm just trying to better understand.

 

[SilverBigBack]

Hi SilverBigBack,

Welcome to CC! It's great to see you jumping right in, both participating in the threads and also writing your own. Kudos to you!

Please don't think I'm trying to be sarcastic or mocking in any way, but I am confused as to why your friend is tormented about being attracted to heavier women. Yes, I agree that gluttony is a sin. I always find it ironic that many people in church (I grew up in church culture) are so eager to point out the sins of others -- but never acknowledge the fact that they are 50, 75, 100 lbs. overweight. Somehow, they see everyone else's sins as being gravely more serious than their own (if they will even acknowledge their own bad choices regarding food to be sin.)

I say that not in judgment (I find myself in an uphill battle with food everyday myself, even though I'm considered normal size,) but if your friend believes he can't marry a woman who sins through gluttony -- why is he particular about that specific sin?

Because any woman he meets is going to have to have some kind of sin.

To me, it would be like saying he has to meet a perfect woman without ANY sin.

On the flipside, I'm imagining a woman who says she can't marry a man who is addicted to pornography. Maybe she has reasons why she doesn't feel she can handle that kind of sin. But then it can become a question of, what about other sins besides this?

In this case, what about the other sins the woman will have in her life? Why is it specifically the sin of gluttony that will trip him up?

I am not trying to be rude in anyway -- I'm just trying to better understand.

Hello Seoulsearch! Thanks for the warm welcome. I have a relative who is a professor in that city! Not that that's relevant
Yes gluttony is rampant in the US church, but I think people are starting to wake up to it. Slowly perhaps.
I believe his response would consist of a point about how he's attracted either to the gluttony, or the effects gluttony has on the body- but I'm not sure which and I don't want to misrepresent him- which is different than normal sins in marriage. I.E, most people are not and should not be attracted to sinful elements of a person. I think that is how my friend sees it, because he believes he is attracted to the presence of gluttony in a woman, whether in effect or activity.
You see why I posted this question? This is certainly not your average Sunday afternoon discussion.

 

[seoulsearch]

Hello Seoulsearch! Thanks for the warm welcome. I have a relative who is a professor in that city! Not that that's relevant
Yes gluttony is rampant in the US church, but I think people are starting to wake up to it. Slowly perhaps.
I believe his response would consist of a point about how he's attracted either to the gluttony, or the effects gluttony has on the body- but I'm not sure which and I don't want to misrepresent him- which is different than normal sins in marriage. I.E, most people are not and should not be attracted to sinful elements of a person. I think that is how my friend sees it, because he believes he is attracted to the presence of gluttony in a woman, whether in effect or activity.
You see why I posted this question? This is certainly not your average Sunday afternoon discussion.

Very cool about your relative!

Regarding your friend, the first thing that comes to mind is that I wonder if his attraction could be for a reason? Something that God wants to turn into good?

Is he attracted to the woman continuing in gluttony and becoming even bigger? I've heard about some people who are attracted to this. I am NOT saying this applies to your friend, but I've read about some people who like keeping their partners bigger or even encouraging increasing in size because it makes them feel they have some degree of control over them.

What if it could be that your friend is attracted to, and has the possibility of marrying a heavier woman, because he could be a help to her? Perhaps he could be an example an encouragement to her to practice healthier habits? Or does he have a problem with the same issues and is afraid of being caught in a situation that only makes each of them worse?

I could definitely understand the hesitation there. It would be like two alcoholics marrying each other. It could certainly work, but might not be the best situation to get into. And I realize there's already an uphill, and probably losing, battle if one enters into a relationship intending to change the other person.

Sorry, I hope I'm not saying anything that will offend your friend.

I'm just thinking aloud, and trying to better my understanding of the situation.

 

[SilverBigBack]

Very cool about your relative!

Regarding your friend, the first thing that comes to mind is that I wonder if his attraction could be for a reason? Something that God wants to turn into good?

Is he attracted to the woman continuing in gluttony and becoming even bigger? I've heard about some people who are attracted to this. I am NOT saying this applies to your friend, but I've read about some people who like keeping their partners bigger or even encouraging increasing in size because it makes them feel they have some degree of control over them.

What if it could be that your friend is attracted to, and has the possibility of marrying a heavier woman, because he could be a help to her? Perhaps he could be an example an encouragement to her to practice healthier habits? Or does he have a problem with the same issues and is afraid of being caught in a situation that only makes each of them worse?

I could definitely understand the hesitation there. It would be like two alcoholics marrying each other. It could certainly work, but might not be the best situation to get into. And I realize there's already an uphill, and probably losing, battle if one enters into a relationship intending to change the other person.

Sorry, I hope I'm not saying anything that will offend your friend.

I'm just thinking aloud, and trying to better my understanding of the situation.

I appreciate the concern for my friend. But his identity is protected and I don't imagine he'll ever read these.
That situation you described sounds very sinful. If that is what he's struggling against, his great shame makes sense.
I too have considered if this could be for the good: I've heard plenty of unhappy stories of good daughters of God missing marriage because the men thought they did not have a "good enough-" or perhaps "small enough" body.
My friend has had a hard life and in his earlier days food was a great comfort to him- so he was a glutton- and still struggles, although, physically he has done a lot to improve his body. I'm proud of him. It could be his own knowledge of gluttony and previous convictions that make him so reluctant to have it in a woman.
Thanks for joining me in trying to decipher this.

 

[seoulsearch]

I appreciate the concern for my friend. But his identity is protected and I don't imagine he'll ever read these.
That situation you described sounds very sinful. If that is what he's struggling against, his great shame makes sense.
I too have considered if this could be for the good: I've heard plenty of unhappy stories of good daughters of God missing marriage because the men thought they did not have a "good enough-" or perhaps "small enough" body.
My friend has had a hard life and in his earlier days food was a great comfort to him- so he was a glutton- and still struggles, although, physically he has done a lot to improve his body. I'm proud of him. It could be his own knowledge of gluttony and previous convictions that make him so reluctant to have it in a woman.
Thanks for joining me in trying to decipher this.

Thanks very much for your thoughtful replies, and your patience with my questions.

I could be wrong, but this definitely sounds like your friend recognizes a weakness in himself, and is trying to avoid inflaming both his own problem and that of another person. To me, it definitely sounds similar to an alcoholic that knows he or she has to avoid marrying another alcoholic, no matter how attractive they might find the person.

And I can certainly sympathize with him. I couldn't be with someone who was ingrained in unhealthy life habits either, because I would fall off a cliff with my own efforts at trying to stay healthy.

I don't have any answers, but will include your friend in my prayers.

 

[SilverBigBack]

Thanks very much for your thoughtful replies, and your patience with my questions.

I could be wrong, but this definitely sounds like your friend recognizes a weakness in himself, and is trying to avoid inflaming both his own problem and that of another person. To me, it definitely sounds similar to an alcoholic that knows he or she has to avoid marrying another alcoholic, no matter how attractive they might find the person.

And I can certainly sympathize with him. I couldn't be with someone who was ingrained in unhealthy life habits either, because I would fall off a cliff with my own efforts at trying to stay healthy.

I don't have any answers, but will include your friend in my prayers.

Thank you. Yes, prayer is the medicine to be prescribed. Please, if you do pray for him, mention that he would not be angry with God, or at least that he would be honest in his anger and not charge God with wrong. I can sense deep frustration in him as he has professed to me that he did not willfully choose either his "preference" or desire to be married, which seem to be at odds. I will remind him, regardless of God's will either way, that marriage is not the end and we will not have it in heaven. I think your analogy is clear and effective and truthful.
I still don't know the full story but I will try to be as much as a light to him as I can.

 

[Deuteronomy]

His problem, as he sees it, is that he is attracted to the sin of gluttony in a partner (equating a larger person to a glutton). And therefore, he says, he cannot rightly act on his desire to be a husband, and still do so to please God ... I do not know how to approach this issue.

Hello Peter, I must admit that I've never heard of a situation like this one before. It seems to me that there may be more going on here than you know, so, if I was you, I'd encourage your friend to seek his pastor's counsel and let his pastor help him sort all of this out (though you should continue to pray for him, of course).

Paul tells us in 1 Cor. 7:8 that it is better to be single than married, to pursue God

That's true, but ~only~ if God has given us the ability (the "self-control" .. 1 Cor 7:9) to remain single and not sin.

I will say this in closing, God has been "pro-marriage" from the beginning (as you know), and He still is today. He doesn't put many restrictions on marriage (e.g. "If you marry, you have not sinned" .. 1 Cor 7:28a), though I suppose your friend does need to have a clear conscience about marrying someone before doing so.

God bless you!!

~Deuteronomy (David)

 

[SilverBigBack]

Hello Peter, I must admit that I've never heard of a situation like this one before. It seems to me that there may be more going on here than you know, so, if I was you, I'd encourage your friend to seek his pastor's counsel and let his pastor help him sort all of this out (though you should continue to pray for him, of course).


That's true, but ~only~ if God has given us the ability (the "self-control" .. 1 Cor 7:9) to remain single and not sin.

I will say this in closing, God has been "pro-marriage" from the beginning (as you know), and He still is today. He doesn't put many restrictions on marriage (e.g. "If you marry, you have not sinned" .. 1 Cor 7:28a), though I suppose your friend does need to have a clear conscience about marrying someone before doing so.

God bless you!!

~Deuteronomy (David)

Thank you, David! Thanks for the sound wisdom in directing to a pastor's authoritative insight on the matter. And the scripture with its application.
God bless you as well, and have a good night.

 

[Gv12]

Hey there.

I believe that we are to learn to love what God Loves and hate what God hates. It makes it easier to avoid sinning if we truly hate something, but if you love the sin then your mind isn't in the right place to begin with. We need to be constantly renewing our minds and thinking like Jesus ( Romans 12:2 Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect. )

To denounce getting married is not the right answer in my opinion unless that is his calling (1 Corinthians 7-8). When he could work on renewing his mind towards this issue.

My advice to your friend would be to change the way he looks at women, instead of looking so much at the external start focusing more on the internal of a women when looking for someone to spend your life with. Start looking at the qualities of the woman like : Is she hard working? Is she Godly? trustworthy, kind, motivational? What's her family like? ECT.

Because if God willing she will be the mother of his kids. Focusing on a Woman with great qualities and Godliness will be the most important to ensure the kids are well looked after and that they are brought up right. And if the woman is a little over weight then whatever. Some people have slow metabolisms or thyroid problems making it easier for them to put on weight and some skinny people could actually be more of a glutton eating an excess of bad food and wasting food but just not get fat, and if you look at gluttony as more then just food about how it could pertain to overconsumption in general, then that's a whole other convo. Someone could over indulge in cigarettes, alcohol video games, their social media, television ect.

but should always try and LOVE what GOD LOVES. and Hate what he hates. You wont be as easily controlled by something if you hate it. This applies to more then his situation. We should never Give up and say I am a sinner who can't change something. We must renew our minds.

Psalms 97:10
10 Let those who love the Lord hate evil,
for he guards the lives of his faithful ones
and delivers them from the hand of the wicked.

 

[SilverBigBack]

Hey there.

I believe that we are to learn to love what God Loves and hate what God hates. It makes it easier to avoid sinning if we truly hate something, but if you love the sin then your mind isn't in the right place to begin with. We need to be constantly renewing our minds and thinking like Jesus ( Romans 12:2 Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect. )

To denounce getting married is not the right answer in my opinion unless that is his calling (1 Corinthians 7-8). When he could work on renewing his mind towards this issue.

My advice to your friend would be to change the way he looks at women, instead of looking so much at the external start focusing more on the internal of a women when looking for someone to spend your life with. Start looking at the qualities of the woman like : Is she hard working? Is she Godly? trustworthy, kind, motivational? What's her family like? ECT.

Because if God willing she will be the mother of his kids. Focusing on a Woman with great qualities and Godliness will be the most important to ensure the kids are well looked after and that they are brought up right. And if the woman is a little over weight then whatever. Some people have slow metabolisms or thyroid problems making it easier for them to put on weight and some skinny people could actually be more of a glutton eating an excess of bad food and wasting food but just not get fat, and if you look at gluttony as more then just food about how it could pertain to overconsumption in general, then that's a whole other convo. Someone could over indulge in cigarettes, alcohol video games, their social media, television ect.

but should always try and LOVE what GOD LOVES. and Hate what he hates. You wont be as easily controlled by something if you hate it. This applies to more then his situation. We should never Give up and say I am a sinner who can't change something. We must renew our minds.

Psalms 97:10
10 Let those who love the Lord hate evil,
for he guards the lives of his faithful ones
and delivers them from the hand of the wicked.

Amen! Thank you very much for your strong wisdom friend. Becoming more like God and seeing things as He sees them is one of the key points of the Christian walk and therefore of a Christian marriage as well (not that I know that second part from experience). I fully agree that we should never put our own desires before God's in anything, including marriage.
I've had a chance to discuss this with my friend this weekend. We are accountability partners. Note- I am not saying this to make a "freak show" out of him. Or to sow gossip or discord. But perhaps some other Christian with a similar struggle will one day read this thread and find encouragement, at least in not feeling alone. His identity is totally protected and will remain so.
He deals with lust towards pure gluttony- in the form of what somebody else thought of earlier- a woman gaining more and more weight.
However he told me that this deviancy did not develop until a few years after puberty. He was always attracted to large women however. That probably involves childhood factors that I will not share.
He told me that as his battle against lust and for a pure life for God has progressed- slowly and frustratingly as we men know too well- this second aspect of his sexuality has been weakening and fading away. He seems to be confident that it has no control over him. But he still associates a big person automatically with gluttony, and he is still drawn to large people as always. He would, at least say with his tongue, that he agrees with you, and he does not want to drag another Christian down into a marriage built partially on sin, to the displeasure of our Father in Heaven. You see, he says- and so far I have affirmed this, maybe wrongly- that he believes he should not pursue a woman he is not attracted to as it opens the door for many problems even outside of only lust. Of course he does not say and I never suggest or encourage that marriage will solve or eliminate lust, that is not the point I am making.
This is why I described him as being in torment, because except for this one thing he at least says and shows as much as he can that he wants an otherwise traditional and godly marriage.
In the end he decided to talk to the pastor when they can. And I think in our scenario, his response will suffice.
That still leaves the question open if all fat people are gluttons. As you said, I would say no. There are so many unchosen health conditions that can lead to that. But what does a man like my friend do then? Seek a woman with health issues?
Or perhaps just trust God to lead him down the best path. The great challenge but assurance of our walk.
Have a blessed day all.

 

[Gv12]

Thats awesome thay

Amen! Thank you very much for your strong wisdom friend. Becoming more like God and seeing things as He sees them is one of the key points of the Christian walk and therefore of a Christian marriage as well (not that I know that second part from experience). I fully agree that we should never put our own desires before God's in anything, including marriage.
I've had a chance to discuss this with my friend this weekend. We are accountability partners. Note- I am not saying this to make a "freak show" out of him. Or to sow gossip or discord. But perhaps some other Christian with a similar struggle will one day read this thread and find encouragement, at least in not feeling alone. His identity is totally protected and will remain so.
He deals with lust towards pure gluttony- in the form of what somebody else thought of earlier- a woman gaining more and more weight.
However he told me that this deviancy did not develop until a few years after puberty. He was always attracted to large women however. That probably involves childhood factors that I will not share.
He told me that as his battle against lust and for a pure life for God has progressed- slowly and frustratingly as we men know too well- this second aspect of his sexuality has been weakening and fading away. He seems to be confident that it has no control over him. But he still associates a big person automatically with gluttony, and he is still drawn to large people as always. He would, at least say with his tongue, that he agrees with you, and he does not want to drag another Christian down into a marriage built partially on sin, to the displeasure of our Father in Heaven. You see, he says- and so far I have affirmed this, maybe wrongly- that he believes he should not pursue a woman he is not attracted to as it opens the door for many problems even outside of only lust. Of course he does not say and I never suggest or encourage that marriage will solve or eliminate lust, that is not the point I am making.
This is why I described him as being in torment, because except for this one thing he at least says and shows as much as he can that he wants an otherwise traditional and godly marriage.
In the end he decided to talk to the pastor when they can. And I think in our scenario, his response will suffice.
That still leaves the question open if all fat people are gluttons. As you said, I would say no. There are so many unchosen health conditions that can lead to that. But what does a man like my friend do then? Seek a woman with health issues?
Or perhaps just trust God to lead him down the best path. The great challenge but assurance of our walk.
Have a blessed day all.

Thats awesome that you and your friend are accountability partners !
Matthew 18 :20 For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them.”
Keep on fighting the good fight ! I think he needs to continue to break down what gluttony is. It is lack of self discipline. It stinks ! Lol find it repulsive. I think another good thing would be to think about if he had a daughter with a glutton. Would he want his daughter to fat, lazy and lacking self control. Or would his want his daughter to be healthy and disciplined. He should exercise the qualities he wants for his kids and his partner as head of the household and find it attractive to have a partner that will raise the children to be godly and love the woman for it ! Does he see himself as someone undeserving of finding a disciplined woman? God loves fasting which is the opposite of gluttony, should he fast and pray on the matter ?

 

[SilverBigBack]

Thats awesome thay

Thats awesome that you and your friend are accountability partners !
Matthew 18 :20 For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them.”
Keep on fighting the good fight ! I think he needs to continue to break down what gluttony is. It is lack of self discipline. It stinks ! Lol find it repulsive. I think another good thing would be to think about if he had a daughter with a glutton. Would he want his daughter to fat, lazy and lacking self control. Or would his want his daughter to be healthy and disciplined. He should exercise the qualities he wants for his kids and his partner as head of the household and find it attractive to have a partner that will raise the children to be godly and love the woman for it ! Does he see himself as someone undeserving of finding a disciplined woman? God loves fasting which is the opposite of gluttony, should he fast and pray on the matter ?

[All readers please be aware of sensitive and somewhat graphic content of this reply]
Thank you!
He has fasted and prayed on this very matter. I am misrepresenting him if I have communicated that he is attracted to a lack of self discipline or control; I know he despises laziness, poor stewardship, and even gluttony from things he has said and comments he has made about the state of this country and the people within it. It was the very convictions from God that led him to discover and repent of it in himself and confess his experience of being lustfully drawn to it. It is, according to him, in the far-fallen moments of lust that he is now still pulled in by the darker side of his sexuality. I am not even sure that his lust is stirred by gluttonous actions (overeating etc- except weight gain). I believe it is more of a bodily "thing" for him, not a lifestyle one. Otherwise, when not in a state of lust, he seems to be "normal" except that he is attracted to large women. He is pained as much on that as with the darker side. I don't know what to say because I know big people who are not gluttons and I know physically "skinny" people who exercise zero self control. Genetics do play a role.
I have not said this to him, but this seems like it could be comparable to SSA. If they are quite similar, it is a call to singleness. But I still think the lines are quite blurry.
I will suggest the child analogy to him. He does not view himself as deserving any of the good God has given him, even forgiveness- That is what I am sure he would say.
In the end, our pastor's words will help and ultimately God's word will dictate what happens. At this point he is just very uncertain about what exactly those words are.