I am lost
- Thread starter FabionStory
- Start date
-
Christian Chat is a moderated online Christian community allowing Christians around the world to fellowship with each other in real time chat via webcam, voice, and text, with the Christian Chat app. You can also start or participate in a Bible-based discussion here in the Christian Chat Forums, where members can also share with each other their own videos, pictures, or favorite Christian music.
If you are a Christian and need encouragement and fellowship, we're here for you! If you are not a Christian but interested in knowing more about Jesus our Lord, you're also welcome! Want to know what the Bible says, and how you can apply it to your life? Join us!
To make new Christian friends now around the world, click here to join Christian Chat.
As I said, I believe the OP knows there is a problem, and he does. Your comment "Those who directly or indirectly blame your wife are idiots. You did this and you are totally responsible." Seemed a little harsh.
Look,
I understand that many are shocked at what I've written. I'm not giving his actions license...far from it. He has admitted what he did wrong and is currently addressing those issues. I see no need to beat a dead horse.
However....
Someone on the outside looking in can see that most guys are rather easy and simple to manage into being great husbands. But, if a guy has some hidden crutches of vice....a wife being absent, atgumentative, confrontational, neglectful, recounting every past wrong, and/or emotionally distant for long periods of time....husbands do NOT react well to this sort of thing. (Emotional chemical dependency and sexual gratification outside of marriage which is there to assuage their hurt feelings of rejection by their spouse).
Drives them to seek comfort wherever they can find it....especially if they are not deeply rooted and involved in their church with most of their friend group being there.
That's the truth.
Women just get away with spousal emotional abuse more than men. They never get a wagging finger for being horrible wives....but the second a guy does ANYTHING he is brow beaten to death.
Men seek affairs for the same reason women do. (Women just get away with them more often but they cheat on spouses in a minimum of equal numbers if not superior numbers)
People are always seeking external validation....
They will do anything for compliments.
They want to feel desired, needed, and even admired....and from a spouse it's a necessity. When that's gone....the marriage is headed for the dumpster by any number of means and the mental health of the participants is going to be suspect.
In this particular instance this gentleman sought validation in chemical dependency and easy Women. (And the women ain't feeling all that great about this at the moment either)
Guys are simple...a little food, a few compliments, some gratitude, and they are happy campers in a marriage to their High School Sweethearts....all other women don't have a chance and if smoking Marijuana and drinking alcohol they will quit when adulting more often is needed.
But that's not what happened here.
And he is never going to be able to find the path to forgiving himself if never encouraged to do so.
I understand that many are shocked at what I've written. I'm not giving his actions license...far from it. He has admitted what he did wrong and is currently addressing those issues. I see no need to beat a dead horse.
However....
Someone on the outside looking in can see that most guys are rather easy and simple to manage into being great husbands. But, if a guy has some hidden crutches of vice....a wife being absent, atgumentative, confrontational, neglectful, recounting every past wrong, and/or emotionally distant for long periods of time....husbands do NOT react well to this sort of thing. (Emotional chemical dependency and sexual gratification outside of marriage which is there to assuage their hurt feelings of rejection by their spouse).
Drives them to seek comfort wherever they can find it....especially if they are not deeply rooted and involved in their church with most of their friend group being there.
That's the truth.
Women just get away with spousal emotional abuse more than men. They never get a wagging finger for being horrible wives....but the second a guy does ANYTHING he is brow beaten to death.
Men seek affairs for the same reason women do. (Women just get away with them more often but they cheat on spouses in a minimum of equal numbers if not superior numbers)
People are always seeking external validation....
They will do anything for compliments.
They want to feel desired, needed, and even admired....and from a spouse it's a necessity. When that's gone....the marriage is headed for the dumpster by any number of means and the mental health of the participants is going to be suspect.
In this particular instance this gentleman sought validation in chemical dependency and easy Women. (And the women ain't feeling all that great about this at the moment either)
Guys are simple...a little food, a few compliments, some gratitude, and they are happy campers in a marriage to their High School Sweethearts....all other women don't have a chance and if smoking Marijuana and drinking alcohol they will quit when adulting more often is needed.
But that's not what happened here.
And he is never going to be able to find the path to forgiving himself if never encouraged to do so.
Solution is as simple as bringing God into your marriage and making Him the center of it and your lives. If He is your center of the marriage He will work things out externally and internally and heal your marriage. He becomes the glue that keeps you together.
Question is whether both of you are willing to fully trust God and let Him fully be the Lord of your marriage and your lives.
Men are more to see the problem and fix it. Women tend to see what started the problem and start there. lol
Most guys, or many, but not all. We can't paint everyone with the same brush, we are individuals.
I don't know how I missed seeing in your post that you are 27 years old. So you married at a pretty young age. You're a few years older than my nephew. He has a 2 yr old little boy. Marrying young is tough, and adds another layer of complications, especially if you didn't have a great up bringing. My nephew is having an issue with his wife because she will not clean or pick up anything in the house. And she has left most of the rearing of the baby to him. But she had a very hard, neglectful childhood. So it's something she has to learn. Meanwhile my nephew is feeling overwhelmed because he also works. So we do a lot of praying for them because they have a lot of growing up to do. And that's hard when you have a child of your own to be raising. But you are making some steps in the right direction. Keep going, with God's help you can make it.
Agree, being a "fixer" is actually a curse. It's wonderful when you are young and have a family that rely on you. It's a curse when you get older and you have to accept the fact you can't fix grown up problems. I think most fathers understand.
I understand, I have mentioned my younger sister before in threads. She's had a taxing marriage to say the least, with her in- laws making things so much worse. I want to simply tell her what to do to fix it, but I realize she is an adult and it's up to her to come to the conclusion that is right for her. Luckily now my youngest nephew graduates this year and the oldest is already married. So now there is no "we're staying together for the children" excuse. I certainly don't advocate for divorce but when there is no trust and mental or physical abuse, sometimes there is no other option.
Hi Alex, welcome to the site! Thank you for sharing, I'm sure it wasn't easy but it's much easier to give advice when the person is upfront about what they are going through.
I have never been married, so I won't say a lot but want to share a few thoughts.
What really struck me was how many times your wife forgave you, even through 2 DUIs, 2 "indescretions", 2 jail stays, plus job instability and out-of-control drinking (during which you admitted becoming angry and violent).... that is pretty much "How to drive your wife away 101".
Yet she kept coming back. After reading your op, my first thought was "DAAAAAaaannnng, if she kept trying through all that, she must REALLY love him!" ❤
I agree with @ThereRoseaLamb and others who said you need to get your own relationship with Jesus on track before yall try to jump back on the marriage wagon. I have heard really good things about Celebrate Recovery, never attended but I know some who have. Apparently it's a good balance of fixing the symptoms while also digging into root causes (so kinda a balance of the male and female approaches lol).
I do not think that your wife was, in any way, "setting a trap for you" so you would cheat on her. However, it might be significant that the worst communication seemed to happen when she was pregnant. Some women go through hormonal changes during pregnancy that can really affect their mood and sense of peace.... so things like a partners emotional distance, anger, or job instability can really hit a woman hard during pregnancy.
One more thing that stood out to me and I need to mention.... you only brought it up as an afterthought but it's HUGE...... you mentioned that you become angry and violent when drunk, and you were drunk a LOT. That could have actually done more to shatter her trust than the DUIS and infidelity. Please seriously think and pray on that, most likely serious apologies are in order regardless of whether or not yall get back together.
I hope all that was ok to say! I wish you the absolute best on your journey, seek the Lord and you will find Him and that's never a bad place to be! Also, ask Jesus to fill you with The Holy Spirit, that can help a lot.
I'm proud of you for the changes you have already made and I pray the Lord leads you down the right path, one step at a time! ❤
You're welcome, and no worries! As an outsider its really hard to say what exactly needs to be said/done/healed, but it could be a healthy thing to tackle outside of any reconciliation attempts, just purely for healings sake. If you do get into a program like celebrate recovery she might be willing to come with you and they walk you through all that. I think it's generally free to attend and is usually lead by former addicts who have already been through the program. Often free childcare is provided as well.
Speaking of childcare..... is that possibly a way you could help lighten her load right now? No idea what yalls custody arrangement is but if she is working and you're currently available it might be a huge help to her.
I'm seriously rooting for yall, your story is actually really sweet in a tragic sort of way
. My main takeaways are that this lady SERIOUSLY loves you, and that God can fix this if you are both willing to put in the work it will take to do so. He guides but He doesn't force.All the best, please keep us posted and I will be praying for you and your family!
Just a short little update on progress:
Yesterday, I started my in-person therapy. I have also started my parenting class along with a drug and alcohol program. I'm not sure that I will do the weekly meetings and such, but I see this as a start in the right direction. Especially for someone that has never believed in therapy or anything of that nature. Still not much communication between us, and she has decided to start dating again. As you've all read, the past is repeating itself in that area. However, I decided to pray for her and the boyfriend. Pray that he can succeed to be who she needs at this moment while I am not. Is that crazy? Again, I feel like this is not the end for us. I just feel like I've made my own life harder by being upset about it.
Also, I'd like to share a story of God's almighty grace. As stated, I am unemployed. I have spent several days in the past few weeks at staffing agencies and on the computer applying for any and everything. I have to get rides to do all of that and my best friend, whom I live with, has taken the brunt of that task. Over the past 6 days, I have begged to Doordash or do anything at all just to make money, to make my phone payment, and to just have extra for any necessities. It has resulted in A lot of procrastination and not much "making money". I understand it isn't his responsibility to make sure that I am taken care of, however he is also unemployed and has no ambition at all. We've both had to ask people for money recently. Anyways, in a past life, I did plenty of illegal things. I had someone from my past offer me money yesterday to do something I shouldn't. I decided to pray about it. I told God that I knew he would take care of me, and he wouldn't let me go without, and decided to ignore the old acquaintance. Then comes today, where I spent a good portion of the morning, not only trying to wake my roommate up, but also arguing to get him to go Doordash before my phone goes off today. (His was turned off this morning, but his mom paid it so it doesn't bother him.) Out of the blue I get a text from another good friend of mine that I haven't been very close with lately. She was talking about her boyfriend and what he is doing for work and how he is about to start a new job. After our conversation about places hiring, I ranted about my roommates lack of motivation. She offered to send me money. I originally said no. I don't want to owe anyone else at this moment. As I was saying no, a thought came to mind about an old story I once heard. There's a flood that traps a man on his roof. A boat comes to save him, but he turns them away. He says, "My God will save me". So a little while later, another boat, and the same response. Then a helicopter a little while later on. He turned them away as well and finally died. When in heaven, He asked, "God why didn't you save me?", And God responded with, "I sent you people. Two in boats and one in a helicopter, and you ignored my help because of your own pride." She sent me the money, my phone bill is paid, and he has finally decided to get up and go Doordash to make some money. I guess what I'm trying to say is that God blesses you in many ways, and I'm so happy I chose to trust in him. I have to let go of my own time frame and understanding, and I just feel like God touched me in a real way today.
Either way, things are looking up, and I couldn't be more excited to see what God has in store for me. Thanks again for all the comments! Believe it or not, y'all have been a big help. Have a blessed day and don't ever quit being awesome people.
Yesterday, I started my in-person therapy. I have also started my parenting class along with a drug and alcohol program. I'm not sure that I will do the weekly meetings and such, but I see this as a start in the right direction. Especially for someone that has never believed in therapy or anything of that nature. Still not much communication between us, and she has decided to start dating again. As you've all read, the past is repeating itself in that area. However, I decided to pray for her and the boyfriend. Pray that he can succeed to be who she needs at this moment while I am not. Is that crazy? Again, I feel like this is not the end for us. I just feel like I've made my own life harder by being upset about it.
Also, I'd like to share a story of God's almighty grace. As stated, I am unemployed. I have spent several days in the past few weeks at staffing agencies and on the computer applying for any and everything. I have to get rides to do all of that and my best friend, whom I live with, has taken the brunt of that task. Over the past 6 days, I have begged to Doordash or do anything at all just to make money, to make my phone payment, and to just have extra for any necessities. It has resulted in A lot of procrastination and not much "making money". I understand it isn't his responsibility to make sure that I am taken care of, however he is also unemployed and has no ambition at all. We've both had to ask people for money recently. Anyways, in a past life, I did plenty of illegal things. I had someone from my past offer me money yesterday to do something I shouldn't. I decided to pray about it. I told God that I knew he would take care of me, and he wouldn't let me go without, and decided to ignore the old acquaintance. Then comes today, where I spent a good portion of the morning, not only trying to wake my roommate up, but also arguing to get him to go Doordash before my phone goes off today. (His was turned off this morning, but his mom paid it so it doesn't bother him.) Out of the blue I get a text from another good friend of mine that I haven't been very close with lately. She was talking about her boyfriend and what he is doing for work and how he is about to start a new job. After our conversation about places hiring, I ranted about my roommates lack of motivation. She offered to send me money. I originally said no. I don't want to owe anyone else at this moment. As I was saying no, a thought came to mind about an old story I once heard. There's a flood that traps a man on his roof. A boat comes to save him, but he turns them away. He says, "My God will save me". So a little while later, another boat, and the same response. Then a helicopter a little while later on. He turned them away as well and finally died. When in heaven, He asked, "God why didn't you save me?", And God responded with, "I sent you people. Two in boats and one in a helicopter, and you ignored my help because of your own pride." She sent me the money, my phone bill is paid, and he has finally decided to get up and go Doordash to make some money. I guess what I'm trying to say is that God blesses you in many ways, and I'm so happy I chose to trust in him. I have to let go of my own time frame and understanding, and I just feel like God touched me in a real way today.
Either way, things are looking up, and I couldn't be more excited to see what God has in store for me. Thanks again for all the comments! Believe it or not, y'all have been a big help. Have a blessed day and don't ever quit being awesome people.
I'm so happy to read this update from u
, please , whatever else happens , never stop trusting that God will help u if u do your best to stick with Him . So many times in my life , it would have been easy to cut corners and take the easy but definitely less Christian route . Sometimes I did knowingly do the wrong thing . God has taught me many lessons 
and a lesson learned the hard way is never forgotten 
. I want to b with God and with Jesus , if I want it , u will do what is right in His sight . If u want to b with them , if u want them to b with u , all day every day for ever , u can have that
just stick with them and they will absolutely stick with u , forever and ever , Amen and God bless u .