My name is Alex. I am 27 years old. I have 2 beautiful little boys. 8 and 5. I was married for one month less than 9 years and we got divorced Febuary 19th of last year. I'm not even 100% sure this is the right place for this. Anyways, I'm here because I am completely lost. Even after the divorce, we tried to reconcile, and have recently separated again. I do have to admit that while I know we both hold some responsibility for the way things turned out, I truly believe it was my actions that ultimately led us here. For a bit of a A back story, we are high school sweethearts, married at 17. While our first couple of years were great, things went downhill in the months leading to my first sons birth. We weren't communicating. We grew distant, and I stepped out with a coworker in a moment of weakness. We ended up separating for a couple of months. In that time, we each decided to try dating again, and obviously failed miserably. So after getting back together and trying to reconcile once more, things went great until we ran into the same issues of no communication and distance. Where I decided to start coping with alcohol. Which led to yet another moment of weakness with one of my best friends girlfriends at the time. I came clean instantly. We talked about it and decided we could get past it. which we did. perfectly fine. However, my drinking had become a problem. I wasn't stepping out, but I was drinking excessively, and staying out most hours of the night. I couldn't hold down a job. I ended up going to jail for dui. After getting out, I started to straighten up. I got my job back. I was only drinking socially. Then she got pregnant with our second child. The arguments were worse than ever. The communication was worse than ever. There was no trust no matter how hard either of us tried for there to be. At this point we had seen the worst of each other. Our second son was born, we did our best to rekindle that spark and bring God and communication, and Forgiveness back into the home. However, with still so much resentment built up, it was a slow start that eventually dwindled down to practically nothing. My drinking got bad again. I went through 6 jobs one year. Then brings us to my second dui just a little over 2 years ago. By this point, trust was broken. Church wasn't even in the question anymore. It was a tough time for everyone. After 2 months in jail. Many nights praying and crying myself to sleep, I got out and yet again we decided to give it another shot. It obviously didn't last very long. My drinking continued, as hers got worse. While she has never been as angry or violent as I have gotten in the past, I still see it to be a problem. We got divorced after a few month separation. About a month, maybe 2 months later, we were ready to set our pride and egos aside to give it another go. I have still struggled a lot with alcohol. I currently don't have a job, a license, or a car even if I did. She needs more stability than I have provided. I can't blame her for leaving again, but I can blame myself if I don't at least put forth a real effort to do this right like I should've to begin with. I want to do better. I want to make my marriage work and bring Christ back into the home. To raise my kids better than I was. To be who God called me to be. I pray and I pray and I feel like this isn't it. Not for me or my little family. I just have no clue where to even begin. Life is kicking me hard right now. I don't know what I'm asking or looking for exactly. I just feel like I'm not getting anywhere alone. I know we are both God fearing people with good hearts and pure intentions. We've just never been shown the right way and have failed miserably to learn on our own.
I am lost
- Thread starter FabionStory
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WoW....
I've seen this before. Kinda often too. Well often enough to be a consistent pattern.
All people; men, women, children, and teens have a set of emotional needs.
It's what drove you to marry your childhood sweetheart.
What you didn't count on was her bailing out on you emotionally during the "mundane" part of marriage where you both are working insane hours and feel drug out....missing the emotional connection with your spouse.
And where YOU bear some responsibility....I got a feeling it's nowhere near as much as she bears for while being physically present she checked out of the relationship emotionally....and she's done it several times.
Where she has excellent material which she uses to point fingers at you being the "bad guy" who done wrong....
You are mostly clueless as to why you cheated. But considering how attention starved you were....your ex-wife was practically shoving you into her arms the whole time. Then yelling about how bad you are and how much of a victim she was. As if she was all that innocent. (Definitely NOT).
THEN,
You fell for the same trap made by her a second time.
Looking for love in all the wrong places.
You have a need to be loved. It's not a crime or even slightly wrong to have that need. You actually are in decent shape if you can begin working in a positive fashion to HEAL and find what you really need out of someone else. Your ex basically abandoned you and then acted as if she was the victim. She pushed you to seek attention elsewhere.
Admit it...own it...work on it.
Forgiveness is the best herbicide for the bitter roots within yourself. I suggest a liberal application on a consistent basis.
Just saying.
I don't think that u 2 work as a couple . In stead of torturing each other and those two poor boys , the pair of u need to get your individual acts together ( but separately ) grow up , stop feeling sorry for yourselves and try to b good parents to your children , hopefully u haven't scarred them for life .
Your only hope is Jesus. Fortunately, He is more than willing to put broken lives back together. You need to accept the Lordship of Christ unconditionally. It is not your job to change yourself or your wife. It is your job to ask God to change you. You need to be honest also. Good intentions are not enough. You need the power to overcome the selfish pride that binds every person. Only Jesus in you has that power. The right way is the only Way and His name is Jesus. Ask Him to be your life instead of the old "you". You've surely proven by now that you are unable to live the way you know that you should. Jesus was tempted as we are but without sin. He knows our every problem and He has overcome. Put all your trust in Him.
It won't happen overnight, but if you persist, you will find freedom. You must spend time in prayer and in studying God's word. There are no shortcuts to freedom. And never again get complacent. It's easy to be self deceived. The human heart is deceitful above all things. Stay humble and show your wife that you are changing by your deeds, not your words.
I'm sorry to hear all that you and your family are going through.
The best place to start is the first simple step for you and yours.
This message is what someone cared enough to share with me.
Afterwards, many other solutions were found in the Bible as I stayed consistent in a good gospel preaching church.
Are you involved in a substance abuse support group like AA or something similar?
Many years ago I did some addictions work, facilitated an Al-Anon group through the Salvation Army, they may also offer AA meetings in your area.
I think the program has a lot to offer with the "one day at a time" approach and helping people come to terms with the underlying reasons for substance abuse.
There is also a thread on the discussion board that may be helpful.
Christians in Recovery
@FabionStory
If you live like there is not yesterday nor tomorrow that defines you, and practice being present, then you will always 'be there' for anyone that needs you to be. Although you might've been who you were then, you're not what you did now so you can say, today, as I think so I am, not matter what you thought before or what you will think. This is the best starting point concerning where to begin. That is, if anyone might say to, 'you were a so and so (and they may wrongly present that as "you are a....),' you can confidently say, "I am not ( not now...I learn best from mistakes." You can apply this or something similar to any relationship, even a potential employer. Do what you can and leave the burden of worrying about what you can't do with the LORD.
Quit trying to 'figure it all out' and take one step at a time, focusing and do those things that you can do which placed in front of you to do. Is there work within walking distance? Be thankful you have strong legs rather than regretting your lack of a car. Your options may be limited but you have more than you can see if you are only looking at the option that is currently not available to you. And, if your only current option is working at KFC, and anyone is looking down their nose at you while you are loading their fries, just smile at them as you hand them their fresh fries and say, "see you tomorrow (and bet you they'll be back every day for those perfectly salted fries they can't get anywhere else). And if she looks down on you because you're not the store manager, then best wishes to her in finding what she's looking for. It is enough that you focus on managing the life you are given. And as you manage to find resolution for each obstacle in front of you, with calm determination, your progress will become more apparent to you because God will always 'be there.'
If you live like there is not yesterday nor tomorrow that defines you, and practice being present, then you will always 'be there' for anyone that needs you to be. Although you might've been who you were then, you're not what you did now so you can say, today, as I think so I am, not matter what you thought before or what you will think. This is the best starting point concerning where to begin. That is, if anyone might say to, 'you were a so and so (and they may wrongly present that as "you are a....),' you can confidently say, "I am not ( not now...I learn best from mistakes." You can apply this or something similar to any relationship, even a potential employer. Do what you can and leave the burden of worrying about what you can't do with the LORD.
Quit trying to 'figure it all out' and take one step at a time, focusing and do those things that you can do which placed in front of you to do. Is there work within walking distance? Be thankful you have strong legs rather than regretting your lack of a car. Your options may be limited but you have more than you can see if you are only looking at the option that is currently not available to you. And, if your only current option is working at KFC, and anyone is looking down their nose at you while you are loading their fries, just smile at them as you hand them their fresh fries and say, "see you tomorrow (and bet you they'll be back every day for those perfectly salted fries they can't get anywhere else). And if she looks down on you because you're not the store manager, then best wishes to her in finding what she's looking for. It is enough that you focus on managing the life you are given. And as you manage to find resolution for each obstacle in front of you, with calm determination, your progress will become more apparent to you because God will always 'be there.'
That's a lot of hurt, mistrust, stress and emotion you all are trying to handle. I don't have kids, but I am married. Without placing blame, cause it takes two, it's kinda like this, you both drove this sucker pretty hard into the ditch. The wheels are off, the brakes don't work, the windshield is broken, the engine is on fire and you look at that and say "well let's get it on the road again and see if it runs." Surprise, it doesn't. And it's not going to, no matter how many times you try.
I've had a wonderful Christian friend. He ran a local restaurant and he was known all over. He was such a great guy, never heard a bad word about him. What people didn't know was he was an alcoholic. When he had stress with his wife, the restaurant, whatever, he would drink. His wife would call my father and my father would drive to the city and find him and bring him home. It was the only way he could cope with his stress, or so he believed. He has passed on to heaven. But here is the thing, do you have a male Christian friend that you can trust and can call any time day or night and tell them you're in need of help? Someone willing to go to prayer, or call you, or show up at your house if needed and help you stay accountable? If you're going to be truly whole in your marriage you're going to have to start one brick at a time.
Looking at the car in the ditch again, you said you stepped out on her. So, I assume you cheated, more than once you said. That is not easy to overcome. That takes a lot of time, a lot of accountability, a lot of taking the blame for mistakes made. There were a lot of ways you could have handled that stress without cheating on your wife. You know that of course but to say you both simply got past it doesn't really ring true. Are you really certain your wife doesn't hold resentment because of what you did? Have you had couples counseling, with a pastor or someone else? That takes a long time to heal, with counseling and prayer and rekindling what you had at the beginning.
Now to the other half, your wife. I can't ask questions that only you know and I don't want to get too deep here. But if you think back to when things were "good" did you have a healthy intimate relationship? You don't need to answer here but it's a good starting point. If things were good, when did they start to slide? When the children came? Kids are a blessing, but a lot of work, especially if you both work. And it's easy to lose each other in daily goings on. And no one intends it, it just happens. Are or were you able to have date nights, time away from the children to reconnect? Did she maybe need help in coping? Maybe that's where some growing apart happened? Perhaps. But when you're both preoccupied with life and communication stops, that's when it's time to pull the car over, take the Book out and see where you're going wrong.
Lastly, your children didn't ask for any of this. They can't escape it. It will make a difference in who they become as adults. Neither of you want to further damage them. Fault doesn't matter to children, they will blame themselves. Nothing is impossible with God. But I would say that maybe it's time to stop taking that broken car down the road just to hit the ditch 10 miles ahead. It's going to take prayer, communication, some good counseling, some friends you can be accountable to, a good church with a good pastor who can take your family under their wing. It can be done, it won't happen tomorrow, but it would be worth it for your children. You would be giving them the best gift ever. No one here is a professional, that I know of, so we're just all giving our POV. I really hope you both can heal as parents and be a family even more God centered, loving, caring and stronger than before. Blessings.
P.S. In all of this, both of you need to forgive not only each other, but yourselves. Know that when you ask God for forgiveness He wipes the slate clean. It's like you never sinned in the first place. If you can't forgive yourself, you remain broken and will carry that into any relationship you have. God wants to heal your family, try to stop struggling and ask Him where to start.
There is no want or try. There is no yesterday or tomorrow. You must repent. This word has been misunderstood, even abused by some. But you must truly hate that which destroys. That pull to alcohol, that pull to anger, that pull to lust. Hate it with every fibre of your being. Those things, they pull you away from being that loving Dad, that loving Husband, the great friend. Do not give it an inch.
That is NOT you. It is separate from you, if it wasn't, you would not be here, you would never question it. But time and time again the Spirit has shown you it is not for you. That remorse you feel each time, that is your lesson.
Once you have accepted Christ, you are a new creation. You are not the old self you think you are, they died, and took all the bad stuff with them. The thing is it was seamless, you didn't realise, so you find yourself in this sort of limbo. You look back on all the wrongs, and get stuck. Don't dwell on such things. Understand that you are far more powerful than you currently realise, because of who is within you. Remember the things which are not for you and why, but do not get caught up in guilt, rather change your mindset on those things. Know why they are not for you, know you are stronger than them, know that you are better without them. That is repentance.
That is NOT you. It is separate from you, if it wasn't, you would not be here, you would never question it. But time and time again the Spirit has shown you it is not for you. That remorse you feel each time, that is your lesson.
Once you have accepted Christ, you are a new creation. You are not the old self you think you are, they died, and took all the bad stuff with them. The thing is it was seamless, you didn't realise, so you find yourself in this sort of limbo. You look back on all the wrongs, and get stuck. Don't dwell on such things. Understand that you are far more powerful than you currently realise, because of who is within you. Remember the things which are not for you and why, but do not get caught up in guilt, rather change your mindset on those things. Know why they are not for you, know you are stronger than them, know that you are better without them. That is repentance.
What do you mean, 'we've' never been shown the right way, it's not her responsibility to figure it out, you are the spiritual leader of the home. Get that little girl in church and bible studies with you. If she is willing to let her husband lead her it might work?
This is on you. Scripture says the man is the spiritual leader of the home. Apparently you spend more time with her than with the Lord.
A leader leads by example but a dictator incites rebellion. Display steadfast love to you wife and she will follow you, as love inspires devotion. Display firm resolve to your children, and they will seek out your counsel when they need guidance. You may not have had good examples to follow, no one attending to your growth, yourself, but that has only taught you the crucial necessity of having that need met. Everyone is looking for love, and everyone will offer their opinion about where to find it, but "the kingdom of heaven is not here, nor there, but it is within you."
Your letter screams out ALCOHOLIC IN DENIAL....yet you refuse to recognize that as your problem. You either get sober with God's help, or you die. Worse, you bring those you love down into the pit with you.
You are a drunk. Those who directly or indirectly blame your wife are idiots. You did this and you are totally responsible. It's that simple and that is where everything must begin.
You are a drunk. Those who directly or indirectly blame your wife are idiots. You did this and you are totally responsible. It's that simple and that is where everything must begin.
Hi Alex.
I hope this reaches you at the exact moment you need it. Sometimes the loudest noise isn't around us, but within our own minds. In those moments, remember Psalm 46:10: 'Be still, and know that I am God.' So often we exhaust ourselves trying to figure things out on our own, but your own strength has a limit—God’s strength does not. I encourage you to find a place of silence. Take a few days to pray and fast; wait to hear the whisper of the Holy Spirit. Pour your heart out to Him and withhold nothing. Even in the rain, He sees your tears.
Commit to a consistent time of prayer. When the lies and the 'noise' try to pull you away, keep pressing in. As Matthew 6:33 promises, 'Seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you.' Let every thought be filtered through Him. He will never leave you nor forsake you. You have made it this far in spite of every setback because His hand is on your life. Keep pressing Alex. He is not done with you.
Have a blessed day be safe.
But it doesn't fit every occasion. What she's saying isn't wrong, but it doesn't hold true in every situation. And when it comes to infidelity and breaking of trust, that's hard to get past. Not that it can't be done, but it's not easy.
I think the OP knows drinking is part of the problem. Otherwise he wouldn't have brought it up. To blame him for everything is a tad harsh. As I said with my friend, outside pressures would cause him to drink because it was his coping mechanism. So new ways need to be learned to cope. But also learning to communicate and not have that stress in the first place.
When someone is as far gone as his post indicates, he desperately needs to hear the truth. In most situations what you say would be true. This is life or death for him and your suggestions are not now the answer. I did not blame him for everything. He must confront his alcoholism before anything else.
Alex, I am going to ask some questions.
- Did you start drinking at a very young age, probably around 15
- Did you almost immediately loose control of your drinking
- Does your family has a long history of alcoholism, probably on your fathers side
- Were there are early deaths in your family history
I'm actually going to use this to respond to everything you've said. I don't disagree with you. I do take full responsibility for where my relationship and my life have gone. I do believe tough love would've certainly served me better a while ago. I am an alcoholic. I do not doubt that. I will tell anyone that will listen. It is the cold hard truth. I'm not sure I'd consider it denial. I know there is a problem. I am/have been taking steps to rectify that problem. I can't lie and say that I haven't had anything. I have, but I am praying and trying to take the necessary steps. I have started drug and alcohol classes along with therapy. I have a church I've started going to that is just up the road. I have a long way to go. I know I do. Now in answer to your questions, yes to all but #2. I actually despised alcohol for a while. Honestly was a pothead most of that time. I didn't start drinking super heavy until 22. Not that that makes it any better.
I say all of that to go back and say that while I wasn't sure what to expect from making this post, I've really been touched by the comments and the kindness of complete strangers. Bless you all.
All anyone can offer is their best. In the old covenant, God made provision for doves for those that could not offer a yearling, but He expected your best and expressed his displeasure at offering of defective specimens (with full awareness of every calf in the heard that you have to pick from). If your best is a C-, he will regard it as an A+ but if your best is an A and you present him with a B-... it'll likely raise his brow like, "what's this...you can do better." And we should always be striving for better while always giving thanks for that which we do have.
People often speak of gathering their old shoes and clothes to give to the poor, and there are times that is fitting if it is the best that they can do, but whoever gives away unopened shoeboxes when it is given to their ability to do so is offering a 'fitting sacrifice.'