Crumbling marriage

I will speak on the subject as whole from a man's perspective.

Yes, I know today many women can be addicted to porn as well, but I think it's still far and away a man's problem. The act of it. Of course our sin never affects only us. And kid yourself not, it IS sin.

Women have differing sin problems than men too, but porn is a pernicious, awful, soul crushing abomination that can be every bit as destructive as a bad alcoholic or even hard drug addict to the user himself, and them around him.

Wives MUST understand first and foremost that the viewing of porn by their husbands is in NO WAY an indictment on THEM. You could be the most incredibly beautiful, loving, funny, sweet, caring, super model on planet earth, and it wouldn't matter.

The husband VERY likely HATES that he is addicted, and feels great shame in many ways that he is. That's why the constant hiding, sneaking, and harsh defense mechanism when confronted is always in play. And if he is a Christian, he hates grieving God by doing it.

We are ALL sinners. No great revelation to Christians. But sometimes we forget that just because we don't understand OTHERS sinful desires, that we don't have some of our own.

I don't understand the chronic gossiper, that tears down people with their words with such joy.

I don't understand the alcoholic that just can't say NO to booze.

I don't understand the greedy person, that will lie cheat and steal for monetary gain.

And so on .....

EVERY day the World, our Flesh and the Devil tempt and assault us.

So what to do?

For those addicted that are Christian:
First admit what you are doing is wrong, hurtful, and sinful. Sincerely ask forgiveness from people and God.
Then walk in the Spirit.
That means DAILY prayer, Bible reading and study.
The Word is OUR Manna, and Manna must be collected DAILY.
Volunteer to help OTHERS in any way you can.
Keep your mind occupied on Godly things.

Here is a video many men have found VERY helpful:

For the wives hurt and affected by this evil.

I pray the Lord give those who are able to forgive, remain, and possibly help their husbands the strength to do so.

For those that can forgive but not remain, I pray the Lord's peace will fill your hearts and minds, and not let this sin either define the years together as one flesh, or affect your future joys.

Be Blessed

It is possible he's embarrassed and ashamed of his addiction, which is what 30 years of porn is. So he lashes out when the subject is brought up.
It's also possible he just doesn't care.

Porn addiction is most similar to heroin addiction, according to studies. This also means that the strength of the addiction is quite similar to that of heroin, meaning both are very difficult addictions to quit.
Though, if he is willing and wanting to put in the work, it can be overcome.

No advice given here, just some useful facts to have.
The decision as to whether you should leave him or not I have no answers.

I don't know if I would try to equate one with the other. Cheating, even for a season, has its own level of effects on one's spirit and a marriage. And certainly porn and masturbating to it has its own level of effect on the spirit and one's marriage. However, they are different. I think you are saying the habitual nature of his sin is different, and makes it perhaps worse (like by not repenting). The truth is that for me personally, I would have been much better with Julia watching porn over years than actual intercourse. Maybe that's just me speaking from own experience. However, that is not to downplay Victorian's husband's behavior. It is very concerning how is not repentant and he is not willing to discuss the issues and how it hurts her. Julia and I are praying for our dear sister and the marriage. May God's will be done.

Jesus said if a man looks at a woman and lusts he has committed adultery.
Jesus also said divorce is acceptable if one has committed adultery.
I am not advocating for divorce but telling you that in the eyes of Jesus, who is God, you are not sinning should you end up divorced.

I would pray that you would be healed and that your marriage salvaged but you make it clear that your husband is probably not as sorrowful as someone needing to repent should be.

I am praying for you!

not exactly, he said moses permitted it.

You are correct about one thing for sure.
Jesus is God.

The end of the Old Testament concludes with the following.
I consider this emphasis from Him to every believer, husband or wife.

Therefore take heed to your spirit, and let none deal treacherously against the wife of his youth. 16For the LORD, the God of Israel, saith that he hateth putting away: for one covereth violence with his garment, saith the LORD of hosts: therefore take heed to your spirit, that ye deal not treacherously.
Malachi 2

She is already tempted by others by being told what her weak sin nature wants to hear, "feeling led" by her feelings, providing options out of a difficult situation.
I would hate to see another woman like this one be led to deal treacherously in reaction to her husband's sin.

It is clear from Scripture that she should NOT separate. She needs to get local encouragement from a Godly mature believing woman who will teach her to love her husband and push through this difficult discovery.

God hates divorce.

Half of those who identify as Christian can't be wrong, or can they?
Christianity today is much like it was before and during Jesus'time on the earth. Divorce is ridiculously common.
Jesus rebuked the religious leaders for it and He would do the same today.

I have no reason to doubt that you love your children.
You are doubtless in a very painful situation that hurts beyond your ability to describe.
There's no much that can be gained from the short posts in a forum. You require much more help from God's Word than can be provided by us in this format, as much as we all want to help. That is why you were provided 2 sermons that provide sound Biblical teaching on this subject to answer your questions. It might not be what you want, but it's what you and your kids need. If you are willing to obey God, there is plenty more Biblical help available to edify, teach, correct and encourage. The same goes for the children's father. They don't need a replacement "Father figure." They need Dad.

Rather than avoiding those sermons,, I would avoid all who try to appeal to the carnal temptation to separate. Yes, it is not just a sin but something that God despises. Jumping out of a frying pan and into a fire is not a good idea. I'm not talking about hell here. I'm talking about putting those children you love into a living hell because of both parents decisions to go against God's design for family and marriage.

Stay faithful to your spouse in spite of his sins and commit him to the Father. He knows how to deal with and correct your husband. The more spiritually mature older women are supposed to teach the younger to love their husbands and their children. That is during times like this.
Read my previous post.
Go to my first post and listen to both sermons at least half a dozen times.
This is to get your head thinking right before you do something awful to your man, your children and yourself.
There's no good way out of the problem. It must be dealt with Biblically, maturely and restoration is the only option. Once healing occurs, you will be grateful and blessed.

31 “It was also said, ‘Whoever divorces his wife, let him give her a certificate of divorce.’ 32 But I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except on the ground of sexual immorality, makes her commit adultery, and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery.


Take your legalism and never respond to me again.
Jesus said divorce is not adultery when one has committed sexual immorality.
The husband watched porn, no doubt thought of sexual intimacy and most likely acted out fantasies in his thoughts. That is 100% SEXUAL IMMORALITY!

you might have to leave him.

Probably every man has "looked on a woman" at some time or other. Jesus said that is "committing adultery in the heart". And that is sin, serious sin, but has your husband stepped over the line of committing physical adultery? What advice does the Bible give to wives whose husbands aren't doing right?

1 Peter 3 1 Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives; while they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear..........................., being in subjection unto their own husbands: even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement.......................

Are you still doing all of this?

I'm betting the husband has done more than just look. I don't mean meet other women but he meets the ones on the porn site in his mind and most likely plays out a fantasy with ending included.

And you are pushing she should obey that.

I remembered wrong, that isn't legalism, get over yourself.

thank you mr obvious.

Quoting myself...
No doubt he may be doing that. Job said "I made a covenant with mine eyes not to THINK upon a maid" so, yeah, I would say if Brother Job was tempted in that regard, many more Godly men would be also. I would say that what her husband is doing is included in "obeying not the word". So, if her hubby is "obeying not the word" and delving into sin, I'm "pushing" that she should obey the Word of God and take the leadership of doing what 1 Peter 3 says. None of us can MAKE our spouse do the right thing, but that doesn't absolve us of our own responsibility. The wife is to be "in subjection" even if Hubby is not doing his part. Likewise, the husband is to "love and honour the weaker vessel" even if the wife is not doing her part: 1 Peter 3 says the partner may be won by the other doing their part. That means the wife can have powerful influence to win her husband back to his duty of obeying the word. I know that word "subjection" is a hard thing to read, especially in our present society, but it won't work any other way.

Are you saying that most of us married couple's haven't "lusted" after another person in our minds? I can almost guarantee you the opposite is true. We all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of the Lord, and most all of us married persons have "lusted," so with that knowledge, to say that we are all entitled to Scripturally be able to divorce one another may be the very reason that the divorce rate among Christians is so high. I didn't think about that until you wrote your post. So, I appreciate the explanation you just gave, because it may very well be the convenient explanation of many in the Church today.

Julia

I read the same posts provided by the Thread Op that you did. Some how I concluded this has been going on for a long time. Watching sexual activity in the way pornography presents it is far from you noticing a man by randomly passing by and having thoughts (yes, wrong if you lust and think sexually). But this man chose to see areas of the body that would in otherwise be hidden. And he has attitude whenever she tries to discuss it.

A. You are using a poor translation.

B. You are basing your interpretation, your teaching upon the most liberal view that offers to America an over 50% divorce rate.
This is exactly what Jesus is preaching against. Context:

Matthew 5:31It hath been said, Whosoever shall put away his wife, let him give her a writing of divorcement: 32But I say unto you...

Just like today, the religious leaders misled the people about the institution of marriage by issuing writings of divorcement. He was not saying, as you imply, that they were to make divorce as easy as catching your wife or husband looking at another person with lust.

A correct translation uses the term fornication. The technical term fornication refers to someone who committed the act when they were not married. IF Jesus were referring to the act occuring after the consummation of the marriage, He would have said what?
Answer: ADULTERY
Adultery was punishable by death.
That is a capital offense according to the Lord. If adultery occured under the Lord's law, the spouse who was the victim would be allowed to marry someone as a widow/ widower may marry.

However, if a woman conveys that she is a virgin and marries, that husband finds out differently, she has committed a fraud against him.
He is not obligated to her if she was found to be a liar in that regard.
This did not take place years later after they had kids. The fornication took place in the woman's past. He isn't given a reason to divorce years later because she stares at some guy running shirtless down the road or whatever. However, Jesus does expand the definitions of some sins to include the heart without the action. He makes no mistake putting the sins in the heart in perspective.
That does not mean that He was saying that coveting and robbing a bank were equal degrees of sins. Or that porn was as destructive as the actual event.

We see an example of the application in Jesus'Mom's case. Joseph was betrothed to Mary, but had not consummated that marriage yet. He was going to what?...
...Put her away privily.
The angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream and explained the truth that what was done was holy and you know the Christmas story. Luke 2 & Matthew 1&2.

Going to Genesis 34 which was BEFORE the Mosaic Law. Call me a legalist if you want. God's perspective is what matters.

1And Dinah the daughter of Leah, which she bare unto Jacob, went out to see the daughters of the land. 2And when Shechem the son of Hamor the Hivite, prince of the country, saw her, he took her, and lay with her, and defiled her. 3And his soul clave unto Dinah the daughter of Jacob, and he loved the damsel, and spake kindly unto the damsel. 4And Shechem spake unto his father Hamor, saying, Get me this damsel to wife.

Dinah and Shechem committed adultery? No, they were not married yet
She was defiled, no longer a virgin.
The punishment was a dowry.

Actually what you accused me of you just did by not posting the complete verse 32 which is the point of Jesus words I emphasized. Imagine that, you do what you accused others of doing. You probably do it so much you don't even know it. It's a natural habit by now for you.

Yes, I am a man. I never said that it wasn't hurtful for the woman. Please read what I shared carefully. There are far worse hurts than that. Both men and women are capable of the same things. It is awful to be betrayed. I just tried to help as best I could according to my life experiences. I am not perfect. What I share, I share to help. That's all

You must realise that we as men don't and can't always be honest emotionally with women. I'll tell you a little about me. I wanted to marry being a virgin. My mother taught me that. We are all taught things in our lives and we try to live up to them. And we fail. I am neither married nor am I a virgin anymore.

Sex is not a want. It is a need. And when one spouse does not fulfill that need for the other, where will the other go? I know guys who cheat on their wives because they can't get enough of sex. The wife has no knowledge about it. To the extent there are abortions. And I'm from India. A sexually constipated nation. Take my word for it.

You know, society always has a workaround to subjugate women. Either monetarily or culturally or even because of religion, the woman sticks with the man. I'm sure there are things that man would have had to put with too. There always is. Marriage is a compromise. Promises made to each other to that degree of perfection can't always be kept.

Expectations are never the same and nobody is 100% honest. You cannot be. That is the world we live in. You just have to find a way to love the person or not. No one has to stay with the other if it is going to be that hurtful. Better to separate amicably and live a peaceful life on our own. We come to this world alone and we leave alone in our time. No one has to do it together. God knows this.

But know this, men need Sex. They don't want it. They need it. Same like women do. Women just don't say it. And when it is lacking, they will find a way to get it. Both men and women. This world, work pressure, life pressure, childhood trauma, children, etc and what not is designed to break you. Yet, no one is broken. We are not really bound to one another. We don't enter heaven bound as husband and wife.It is something forced upon people by society.

People judge people based on their marital status and their riches.

I'm sure that man loves the writer who started this thread more than any other woman. She would perhaps be the only woman he loves or ever loved. We as men will not always ask for sex. Just like we don't ask for many things not given to us. We take what we can and we move on.

I can't speak for other men. But I have never asked any woman to love me. To the extent that I never went and told any woman I liked that woman and I wanted love from her. So, I feel that love is given and received mutually. Not asked for. We always place the comforts of our loved ones over our own. And we take care of our needs when no one cares.

For when they shall rise from the dead, they neither marry, nor are given in marriage; but are as the angels which are in heaven. Mark 12:25

"Whoever loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; and whoever loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me; and whoever does not take up the cross and follow me is not worthy of me. Those who find their life will lose it, and those who lose their life for my sake will find it" (Matthew 10:37-39)

Continue to follow Jesus. God bless