Crumbling marriage

My family is crumbling and so am I. My husband and I have been married for 34 years and I discovered that he was using porn for the entire marriage. I am not healing after 3 years. I am an emotional wreck and my husband refuses to help me heal. I have stayed for the kids but I can’t take the pain anymore. I have a broken spirit. Please give me advice.

I am sorry to hear this. I am not sure as to what advice to give you at the moment, but I am praying for you.

I'm sorry, but I would just like to ask you a few questions so that I might know how to best pray for you and your family.

You said that your family is crumbling. Does this mean that your children are aware of your husband's problem with porn? You also said that you are not healing after 3 years, so is it safe to assume that you learned of your husband's problem with porn 3 years ago? Is he still looking at porn? Is this one way in which he is refusing to help you heal? Has he shown any remorse whatsoever? Does he claim to be a Christian? Would he be open to Christian counseling?

Like I said, I am just trying to determine how to best pray for you and your family.

There are a myriad of reasons why guys view porn. None of them any good.

And I get why you are hurting.

And you have some choices to make.
So does he.

By your acceptance and continuing to stay with him you are tacitly endorsing him viewing porn. The kids? They know. Kids are always learning more by what they catch than by what is instructed.

I once had to explain to a guy why his daughter was behaving like a slut. How his obvious porn addiction was instrumental in her behavior. If he continues she will NEVER get married to a good guy or have a full time father for her children. No matter what he tells her, she will believe his actions over his words.

Same thing goes with your kids as well.

And as an FYI. If your kids view his porn it qualifies as the sexual abuse of a minor. You, as fully knowledgeable of his habits can be held liable too and face the same charges as he. (Depending upon the state and Child protective services caseworker). Meanwhile your kids go into State Custody.

He can choose to view porn or stay married.
You can choose to do nothing and continue to stay with him and risk the children and SA charges.

But, sin doesn't ever exist in a vacuum. There are unseen attitudes he owns that revolve around porn addicts. Ones not involving sex that are shaping you and your children....have been for years now. You won't like those derivative sins which result from this sort of behavior.

The kids choose what they will learn from you and him....you don't get much say in what they learn from you..

Do both/either of you go to church? If so, it is best to bring this topic to the pastor. If not, a Christian counselor. No one can tell you what to do. If you decide to stay with him, just know that no one is not worth your joy. You should pray for him but know that he is accountable for his own actions and there is not much more you can do about that. If someone is unrepentant and stubborn, there is not much you can do. Increasing your trust in God including how God will deal with this issue is important. You have to cast your burden (your husband) to God.

Hello VictorianJesus, I'm VERY sorry to hear this, so please know that I will be praying for you (and I'm sure that others here will be too).

What @MsMediator just mentioned I will echo, that it's best to bring this to your pastor's attention, ASAP. You can do so with your husband, or you can do so alone, but you need to do so (if you have not done so already) to get his advice/counsel/help, and so that he'll know how to pray for you specifically, as well for your husband, your children and your marriage.

Growing in our trust in/of God would never be hard if we didn't have difficulties to face and terrible storms to navigate sometimes, but He asks us to trust Him with our lives/His direction for our lives nevertheless, even when our lives seem to be in the midst of spinning out of control. The thing is, He knows what's going on, and He knows how difficult it is for you, but you also need to remember that He knows what He's doing (and you need to trust that He does, as difficult as I know that can be sometimes .. as well that He loves you and wants the very best for you, even if it doesn't seem like He does at times like this).

The other thing is, your husband really needs you/your help right now, whether he knows it or not! So, as I said earlier, go talk to our pastor, and keep talking to God about this, praying that the Lord will see you, your husband and your marriage past all of this to a much better and healthier place.

Praying for you!

God bless you!!

~Deuteronomy (David)
p.s. - here's a quote that I hope you will find beneficial (from pastor/theologian Chuck Swindoll), and a few verses below it that I hope you will find comforting, encouraging and/or useful, as well.

Hi VictorianJesus,

I am going to give you a different perspective. My marriage is ending right now, and a big contributing factor is that I used porn for the whole 22 year marriage (I’m 58). I kept this hidden until I felt compelled to confess it in marriage counseling. That was over a year ago and I’m happy to say that through accountability, Christian Therapy, and most importantly a renewed and deeper relationship with God I am free of the addiction now and walking in purity. I say free, but I do acknowledge that it is imperative to maintain the disciplines I have built to stay free.

Despite all of that, the damage was too big for my wife to overcome. There are other factors as well of course. But I want to tell you that full freedom from the addiction and a renewed marriage is possible.

It was not clear from your original post if your husband got help and is now free of it? This is an important factor. If he hasn’t gotten help it is available. There are a couple Christian Ministries that are helpful: New Life Ministries and Pure Life Ministries. Also a good therapist is a great resource (key in my experience). Look for a CSAT designation.

I would add that both of this ministries have podcasts including many episodes directed to struggling wives, as well as other resources directed to you. I think they would be worth checking out for you.

Your feelings of hurt and betrayal are natural. When someone so close to us breaks our trust, it always brings with it damage and wounds. But whether you remain in the relationship or not, you need healing. And healing begins with forgiveness.
I recognize this may not be what you want to hear, but it is what you need to hear. Until you forgive, you will have bitterness in your heart, and you will not heal.
How to do this? I find it difficult to resent people I pray for. So I pray for those who persecute me and despitefully use me. It's difficult at first, but over time, I've grown to love those I pray for.
Your response will then have gone from natural to supernatural. And you will find great peace and blessing in this.

Where the various church pastor/counselors are often suggested....their methods can be quite poor. In some states there are no real standards for being qualified to offer "Biblical/Christian" counseling. (GA being one of them). And there have been many horror stories surrounding this type of counseling.
In other states more strict qualifications are required for the name "counselor" to be assigned to anyone. Meaning successfully completing a state qualified training program with oversight for clinical work.

Where you live this might be true but the states where no real requirements exist? A usual disaster awaits. And there are many.

Right, no person is worth having bitterness over or no joy.

This is true "revenge".

Others have given you good advice. Having been through a divorce (not my choice, and neither porn nor infidelity were factors) and counseling, I can offer some perspective.

Firstly, you have justification to separate (you'll have to decide prayerfully for yourself whether you have a mandate to divorce). Separation in a Christian context should be time apart to change the bad behaviour (where appropriate) and to heal, with the intent to renew the marriage. It only works if both of you are committed to healing. That's the best time for individual counseling.

Secondly, you must forgive your husband.; you will not heal until you do. He doesn't deserve it, but that's beside the point; Jesus forgave you when you didn't deserve it.

Thirdly, you would do well to create, set, and enforce some "boundaries". I recommend Cloud and Townsend's book by that title.

Fourthly, maintain the separation until your husband demonstrates that he has changed and owns his behaviour without excuses. Don't accept apologies as repentance; they are different things.

May the Lord give you His guidance in this difficult time. He IS faithful, even when people aren't.

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. A good place to get some help is a woman named Leslie Vernick. She has a great website full of great help and information for your situation. You can listen to her podcasts as well. She will help you determine what to do next in your marriage from a Godly perspective. Praying for wisdom for you!

He and I owned a business together and worked together. We sold the business 3 years ago and that is when I found the porn on his work computer. When I confronted him, he blamed me and I saw a side of him I never knew existed. He was vile! I believe he is still watching inappropriate videos; unsure about porn. He is polite to me until I bring up his betrayal and deception. He minimizes what he has done and says I should be over it. I can’t stomach it. He claims to be a Christian. My children know that there are problems in our marriage. I am an emotional wreck and they see that. I hate who I have become. I am scared and devastated. I have cried out to God night after night for over 3 years.

Thank you for reaching out I need help!

Thank you!

Thank you for your frank reply!

I appreciate your reply!

I appreciate your reply!

I appreciate your advice!