Is Anyone Here the Child of Parent(s) Who Were Older (Having Children at 50 or Above)? What Do You See as the Pros and Cons?

Hey Everyone,

The discussion in the Age Differences (within relationships/marriages) thread has me thinking. We've been talking about whether or not there is a moral objection to large age differences between partners/spouses... While the general consensus seems to be that there isn't anything morally wrong on the surface, I did post the one concern I would have regarding children:

(Taken from a post I made in that thread.)

I do think there comes a point where large age gaps can become a moral problem.

I wrote a thread years ago asking if a man insists on marrying a woman half his age, who does he expect to take care of her and their children after he dies? Most especially if he has always been the sole breadwinner and leaves her with no real job skills or means to support their family.

I can't remember a single person answering that the older man should be in charge of leaving his wife and children an inheritance, and I can understand this, as I am NOT AT ALL trying to advocate that women should only marry men with money. But what really shocked me is that I think maybe only one guy at most even thought to mention a life insurance policy. This had me wondering, "Does anyone think about/worry what will happen to their family if they die? And if so, what do they do about it?"

What I found disturbing was that this seemed to imply a feeling of, "I can marry this young hot thing, but when I die, that's her problem to deal with. She's no longer my responsibility, and neither are our kids." How much does God hold a man (parent) responsible for his (their) kids, even after death? The Bible says that parents are to store up an inheritance for their children.

If someone is several years older, has, and/or develops life-threatening medical conditions, I would think this would bring up some very serious moral questions about the couple's future, especially if they want to have kids. Now of course, you could run into the classic gold digger scenario as well.

But (the posts in that thread) seem centered around the insistence of age-gapped couples who genuinely love each other, so let's go from there.

I grew up in a family with a stay-at-home mom and a dad with a very stressful job. One of the things my parents talked about regularly (even though they were only 2 years apart,) was savings and life insurance, because my Dad's biggest fear was keeling over from a heart attack and leaving my Mom destitute with a young family. I don't know if this is an anamaly in Christian families, but I never hear anyone else talking about it.

Yes, of course God can miraculously heal, but I wouldn't bet a future family on just hoping for a miracle. Years ago I read about a Hollywood celebrity who was much older and passed away, leaving behind a young widow and their young son. He left her plenty of money to survive on, but the thing she was having problems with was finding any kind of support or community for women who were left widowed with a child at age 33 (except, perhaps, for military spouses -- but even then, her situation was quite unique.)

This raises all kinds of questions about the morality of the age at which one should be able to parent a child. If a man is 70 and has a serious heart condition, should he pass himself off as a perfectly viable father to a 25-year-old who wants children?

If he marries a woman who already has very young children herself, what responsibility, if any, does have towards them if/when he dies?

And as I think you can deduct from my posts, I am a firm believer in moral dilemmas going both ways. Years ago, I read about a woman who insisted on every available medical treatment to become pregnant in her 60's. She had twin boys -- only to die 2 years later and I don't think she even had a partner or husband, leaving the boys as orphans. This might sound cold of me, but I don't think she should have pursued motherhood in those conditions.

No, we can't know the future, so we have this uncomfortable line to walk of not being fearful, but also considering the best interests of everyone involved. I think we have to made responsible choices with the information we have, no matter what age.

And of course, it's a different picture if both parties are adamant about not wanting to have children.

But I've seen more than one Christian marriage fall apart because they both SAID they didn't want children when marrying, but then one changed their mind after some time, and eventually decided, "If you can't/won't give me children, I'm going to go find someone who can."



I would like to know:

* Does anyone here have a parent who had children in their 50's, 60's and up?

* What would you say are the pros and cons to this? Would you recommend it to others?

* Were there any large age gaps between the couples? What effect did that have? Did the older spouse die when their child(ren) were relatively young? How did the spouse who was left behind cope?

While everyone is welcome to answer, I'm particularly interested in hearing from any adults whose parents had them when they were much older and how it affected them.

Of course, parents could die at any age and I've known several people who lost a "normal-aged" parent while they were young. But here I am specifically thinking of when older people purposely decide to have a child, knowing full well that they might not be around to even see their child become a teen.

I'm trying to think of how I would feel if, let's say, my hypothetical father was 60 with serious health problems, but decided to have a child with my hypothetical healthy 30-year-old mother anyway, then dies at 65, leaving my mother to raise me alone, along with 2 other young half-siblings she brought into their marriage.

I know myself well enough to know that I would have been angry at my father for, as I would see it, being selfish. Now maybe I couldn't judge him -- maybe God had chosen that I would be born from them in that way, and I would have no right to judge. But I would still feel abandoned, angry that we now had to struggle so much, and jealous of those who got to grow up with parents of "normal" age.

How would others feel in this situation?

I would be very interested in hearing people's thoughts about this topic.

So the age gap is more secondary, and the primary focus of this thread is if it's fruitful for senior citizens to have children with women half their age.

I don't think it's a good idea to start a family when you're a senior citizen even if your wife is in her prime. I believe the best result is having children when you're younger so that your future children will have a longer period in which they have access to their parents. This doesn't always happen and people, for a multitude of reasons, have children later in life. There is a fundamental difference between a man starting a family at 35-40 versus starting a family at 60 - 70. At least the children can grow to adulthood and still have access to their parents with the 35-40 year old men. With the 60 - 70 year old men, there is a significant chance they will be dead before their children reach adulthood especially when we consider the average life expectancy of men is 72 years.

My uncle is 16 years older than my aunt. He was married before and had 2 kids, then remarried (to my aunt) and had 4 kids. He provided for them his entire life and created his own business where my aunt was a stay at home wife and helped with the family business. He is nearly 80 years old and in terrible health. All his children are grown but some are still living at home as they can't afford to live on their own. My aunt is worried about life without my uncle, but they prepared for this financially.

Broadly speaking, I do not think people should have kids if they do not have enough time, money, or outside support (people willing to care for kids if parents pass away), etc. In terms of aged parents, they need to be very well prepared; they definitely need to have finances and care lined up and they should be actively involved with the child. They should be young enough where they expect to have 20 to 25 healthy years with the child; this puts the parent at about 50 at the latest. Biologically speaking, that sounds about right as well since women go through menopause around that age (though their eggs are diminished).

Support system matters too...I don't think two older parents should have an only child.

I had one friend in the past in her 20s, and she was a bit bitter her dad was in his 80s.

Absolutely, great point. That is one of the many blessings of being raised in a big family. Sadly, the growth rate is below replacement level and fewer people will know what it's like to have a more robust family support system.

I’m 48 and already a grandma so I would not, never, ever or never ever ever never have a child again lol.

My folks were 38 when I was born. Back then, it was far less common than it is today. My parents were old enough to be the parents of other parents of kids with whom I attended school. That made parent-teacher night and school performances a bit weird. Now I'm in a similar boat as my stepdaughter is 42 years younger than me.

Advice from one who's seen both ends of it: get married and have kids when you're young.

I think that's really hard....being an older parent is tough but if the parent is financially .secured i think it makes a big difference. For example, if they can't take care the kids the can hire someone to help them around...if they really want it and if the kids arrived already.

But my biggest concern is the wellbeing of my kids in my absence...so having them now (@46) is you know...is a no for me...although I love kids and becoming a mother is a wonderful experience I think....😊

It is provident that you ask this, I have been reflecting on it lately. My father died at the start of this year. He was fifty when I was born—older than my maternal grandfather—and had met my mother after she graduated university. By God's providence, he lived to see me complete my education, marry, and raise children who could talk with him.

My upbringing was unusual, and I think sometimes people don't understand me if they don't know it. I was homeschooled under the instruction of a former deacon of the Protestant Reformed Church. His commitment came from Proverbs 22:6: “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.” This was my father's calling, and I praise the Lord for his faithful stewardship.

We attended PCA all the way until I was an adult. By the time I entered university, he was nearly seventy. That was when I joined the OPC, because doctrine and discipline had evaporated in the PCA. My father had started attending the RCUS about the same time, which may as well be the OPC. I still don't know if he switched because of me, or because he wanted to go to a Confessionsl Reformed Church again.

A friend of mine shared how he felt awkward that his Baby Boomer parents seemed older than those of his peers. This never crossed my mind in childhood. Most of my co-conspirators were from our church or the neighborhood. It was not until my teenage years that I began to notice my father's age.

I count it a mercy that I entered adulthood before the Lord took him home. Unlike some who lose young parents unexpectedly, I was able to prepare my heart for this parting. Yet, though I rejoice in his gain, my children—being so young—were startled by death's first entry into their lives. It has been an opportunity to teach them about the hope of the resurrection. One of the pastors taught them from 1 Thessalonians 4:13-14 in the day they found out.

My mother is still with us, and I pray the Lord will grant her many more years to see her grandchildren grow. We do not know the number of our days, we trust in His perfect wisdom and care.

“My times are in your hand” (Psalm 31:15)

I completely forgot to answer the question. I don't know how to frame the pros and cons because I don't know what to compare it with. My father was definitely 'settled down', so I suppose we avoided some of the drama that comes with young male temperament. He was a senior software engineer in the 90s, and we never had serious financial problems because of it. He retired early, and was able to spend all his time with us, the church, and on his hobbies. I got to spend a lot of time with my father because of that, if he was working sixty hours a week I don't think I could have.

That is for sure a plus that he was able to spend quality time with you as he was retired. Especially with how the word is going, parents are inclined to spend vastly more time at work than at home. When we die, I'm certain we won't regret spending more time in the office but with spending more time with those we loved and loved us.

That is a question I have been trying to answer for years. We have all heard that nobody lies on his deathbed wishing he had spent more time at the office. So then what DO people lying on their deathbed wish they had done more of?

Eating candy.

With Deepest Sympathy

Two reasons, one is being inducted into our crony economy and consumerist culture. Another is related, because most people cannot afford to pay rent.
My husband has a good job, and I have some money from my father. We're probably not going to be living in the car any time soon. But plenty of people in Seattle - not just the amphetamine smokers - do live in a car.

There are a lot of articles on this, but ultimately it comes down to not being true to oneself and not making amends with people. There are a lot of subcategories to not being true to oneself, including not taking risks, not expressing feelings, etc.

i’m not in my 50s, but i was 39 when our daughter was born. i am tired lol. but i often think about how things will look like for us in the future.

I barely fit the gategory..

For me, it is more about what I am used to.. My dad was 50 and mom was 41 when I was born. But I got used to grandparents living good and fairly healthy life, although my dad's dad passed away when I was young, so I don't remember him. My grandma had dementia and my mom took care of her, she was 87 when she passed away and my granddad lived till 92 years old.


But my dad's mom, I called her mamma, she was a bit shy from 99 years when she passed away in winter time 2014. Till the last weeks, she lived alone, brought firewood inside and warmed her house, in the summer she maintained veggie garden (even though being almost blind, of course we helped, but she was adamant that she would plant those potatoes etc herself or she would not be eating them next year), she also walked 5-6km (~3,1-3,7miles) a day.


But what I mean, she was the closest grandparent for me, as we lived right nextdoor to her most of my life, so I got used to that. "because my mamma is super healthy, indepented and energetic, surely my parents will also be so later in their life and live a long one.." I used to think..
It was my expectations that got crushed. I am not mad at my parents (they could have been healthy all their lives.. or gotten sick earlier, we never know what life brings up), although I would live, maybe, a different life, if I didn’t have to worry about them and help around. Hmm, as an introvert I cannot say how much different my life would be now..


It more like is that my mom feels sorry for me to have to help them, and not live my life. But I can’t even imagine doing something else, what would my life be like? Maybe I could take longer trips around here and there, but I don’t like travelling alone, so… nothing wouldn’t be different anyway. I am happy to help them, even though sometimes it is hard.
I also chose to live close to them even before they got weaker or sick. And sickness and being old does not always go hand in and, as seen with my mamma.



I don’t remember thinking as a kid that my parents are older than other kid’s parents. It if course might have brought a different upbringing for me, as they have lived a totally different period as other kid’s parents. I don’t know if they were stricter than other parents (I don't' think so, on some occasions, maybe, yes..), but I sure wasn’t easiest as a kid – teen, my few mischiefs caused a lot of grieve and worry to them.




I recently talked with my sister, we have 25 year age gap, she said being 36 years old was the best time for her, isn’t that same for you? That was a bit of a sting for me, as I do worry about my parents, how is my mom doing, is she too tired, hopefully she doesn’t over tire herself, if I am taking a weekend vacation (even though I do not do everything for them, but I help around where is needed, she can live by herself just fine, if she could get the decade of lack of sleep back. It is a different thing when my dad is home and she has to take care of him also).
I know God has a time frame for everything, but still it doesn’t take away my worry. And God has also said leave everything to Him, but it is hard to not worry when you see someone as tired as my mom is at times. My dad is content, when he just gets food and can sleep most of the day and no one bothers him to walk or to exercise (which would be really important for him), hip problem is what bothershimm too. He is a happy fellah, unless he has pain and has to move. He has Alzheimer and vascular dementia.


So, my sister having ”carefree” thirties to live (of course everyone has their own problems we don't know about), gave me a little sting, what if my parents were younger, would that mean they would be in good health, I would not need to worry? That sure is not true for everyone.. It is so perplexed thing to even think about, because it is "what if", but would I even be the same person in that case?


But anyhow, things were different 4 to 5 years ago, and I still feel I wouldn’t be doing much anything else than I am now, even if things wouldn’t have changed the way they have.








……just got the news, my dad passed away this morning.

Thank you so much for sharing your story.

Very touching and heart-wrenching... I'm so sorry about your father.

You and your family will be in my prayers. ❤️