Is Anyone Here the Child of Parent(s) Who Were Older (Having Children at 50 or Above)? What Do You See as the Pros and Cons?

[Tall_Timbers]

I am one of 8 children. The last of us was born when my mom was about 45 and dad would have been early 50s. I enjoyed being raised in a large family and would have liked to have had as many children myself, but was blessed with just 4.

My parents were middle class. My mom managed the money and did a good job with that. I guess either or both parents could have died at any time... that's life, I guess.

While I don't believe that an addition to the family should be governed by a couple's financial situation, and while I am not a fan of life insurance policies (they diminish your ability to save $$), there is a time when a life insurance policy makes sense, and that is when the couple is younger and haven't built up a nest egg yet. A term life policy would be appropriate then. In a healthy scenario, the husband would be providing for the family and together, husband and wife would be living below their means so they can save for a rainy day and for calamities.

Life in and of itself is risky and lots of things can go wrong throughout a person's life. If we walk in the ways of the Lord, I think we'll see a lot of protection. In the case of a 60 year old unwed women becoming pregnant and having no husband... that's definitely not a scenario where the person is walking with the Lord, but we do live in a fallen world and all kinds of crazy things are going to happen. In a scenario where a 75 year old man and a 25 year old women get married... is that something God would condone? I don't know the answer to that but it seems very unnatural to me. Again, we live in a fallen world and all sorts of crazy things will happen.

In my case, I've been the provider for my wife and children. I had us living below our means and we still are only because by living a lifetime below our means our means has greatly increased. If I die before my wife, she'll have enough $$ for a normal person to live out their life with plenty of food, shelter, and clothing, and she'll have a medical plan. I also plan to bequeath a fat sum to each of our 4 children when I go. We're already giving the kids a financial gift most years that's a little under the reportable amount. Even before I met my wife I was a Christian man who was saving and investing for that time when he had a family of his own. Today, looking back, I do believe I've been a good steward with what the Lord has given me. So, in my life I long ago decided that I should take care of my family, even after my death. Now, in the case of my wife, she is very poor when it comes to money management and I don't think she'd manage any amount well enough for it to last her the rest of her life, unless her life was cut short. I don't feel responsible for what she will do with the ample amount I will leave for her. While I have done my best throughout my life to provide for the family, if there is some disastrous event like a complete collapse of the US Dollar and the US economy, such is life. I'll still be able to sleep at night even though a lifetime of wealth creation has disappeared over night. I'm too disabled to work at this point so I/we would be at the mercy of the world at that point.

The reality is 95% of Americans fail when it comes to good money management. That likely means that 19 of 20 who read this thread are deficient in that area to some degree. Regardless of a person's shortcomings, I don't think married couples should put off child bearing. I believe the Lord wants us to multiply and fill the earth. If a couple is waiting until they can afford to have a child, that day may never come. Additionally, it is possible to raise a child for way less than the hundreds of thousands the experts will tell you is required. They don't really get expensive until they're teenagers and even then, if you don't have the money, your kids can get jobs and earn their own.

The best way a person can order their life is to endeavor to live in accordance with the Word of God. We'll all fall short but we should always continue with that endeavor. Things have a way of working out for the best when we follow Jesus in an obedient fashion. I'm absolutely certain that many reading this can recall times in their lives when God helped you in some way or another.

In the case of a Christian couple who've married not wanting children and trying not to have any, I see that as a problem in and of itself as they're actively going against the Word of God, and that is never good.

 

[Ballaurena]

Hey Everyone,

The discussion in the Age Differences (within relationships/marriages) thread has me thinking. We've been talking about whether or not there is a moral objection to large age differences between partners/spouses... While the general consensus seems to be that there isn't anything morally wrong on the surface, I did post the one concern I would have regarding children:

(Taken from a post I made in that thread.)

I do think there comes a point where large age gaps can become a moral problem.

I wrote a thread years ago asking if a man insists on marrying a woman half his age, who does he expect to take care of her and their children after he dies? Most especially if he has always been the sole breadwinner and leaves her with no real job skills or means to support their family.

I can't remember a single person answering that the older man should be in charge of leaving his wife and children an inheritance, and I can understand this, as I am NOT AT ALL trying to advocate that women should only marry men with money. But what really shocked me is that I think maybe only one guy at most even thought to mention a life insurance policy. This had me wondering, "Does anyone think about/worry what will happen to their family if they die? And if so, what do they do about it?"

What I found disturbing was that this seemed to imply a feeling of, "I can marry this young hot thing, but when I die, that's her problem to deal with. She's no longer my responsibility, and neither are our kids." How much does God hold a man (parent) responsible for his (their) kids, even after death? The Bible says that parents are to store up an inheritance for their children.

If someone is several years older, has, and/or develops life-threatening medical conditions, I would think this would bring up some very serious moral questions about the couple's future, especially if they want to have kids. Now of course, you could run into the classic gold digger scenario as well.

But (the posts in that thread) seem centered around the insistence of age-gapped couples who genuinely love each other, so let's go from there.

I grew up in a family with a stay-at-home mom and a dad with a very stressful job. One of the things my parents talked about regularly (even though they were only 2 years apart,) was savings and life insurance, because my Dad's biggest fear was keeling over from a heart attack and leaving my Mom destitute with a young family. I don't know if this is an anamaly in Christian families, but I never hear anyone else talking about it.

Yes, of course God can miraculously heal, but I wouldn't bet a future family on just hoping for a miracle. Years ago I read about a Hollywood celebrity who was much older and passed away, leaving behind a young widow and their young son. He left her plenty of money to survive on, but the thing she was having problems with was finding any kind of support or community for women who were left widowed with a child at age 33 (except, perhaps, for military spouses -- but even then, her situation was quite unique.)

This raises all kinds of questions about the morality of the age at which one should be able to parent a child. If a man is 70 and has a serious heart condition, should he pass himself off as a perfectly viable father to a 25-year-old who wants children?

If he marries a woman who already has very young children herself, what responsibility, if any, does have towards them if/when he dies?

And as I think you can deduct from my posts, I am a firm believer in moral dilemmas going both ways. Years ago, I read about a woman who insisted on every available medical treatment to become pregnant in her 60's. She had twin boys -- only to die 2 years later and I don't think she even had a partner or husband, leaving the boys as orphans. This might sound cold of me, but I don't think she should have pursued motherhood in those conditions.

No, we can't know the future, so we have this uncomfortable line to walk of not being fearful, but also considering the best interests of everyone involved. I think we have to made responsible choices with the information we have, no matter what age.

And of course, it's a different picture if both parties are adamant about not wanting to have children.

But I've seen more than one Christian marriage fall apart because they both SAID they didn't want children when marrying, but then one changed their mind after some time, and eventually decided, "If you can't/won't give me children, I'm going to go find someone who can."



I would like to know:

* Does anyone here have a parent who had children in their 50's, 60's and up?

* What would you say are the pros and cons to this? Would you recommend it to others?

* Were there any large age gaps between the couples? What effect did that have? Did the older spouse die when their child(ren) were relatively young? How did the spouse who was left behind cope?

While everyone is welcome to answer, I'm particularly interested in hearing from any adults whose parents had them when they were much older and how it affected them.

Of course, parents could die at any age and I've known several people who lost a "normal-aged" parent while they were young. But here I am specifically thinking of when older people purposely decide to have a child, knowing full well that they might not be around to even see their child become a teen.

I'm trying to think of how I would feel if, let's say, my hypothetical father was 60 with serious health problems, but decided to have a child with my hypothetical healthy 30-year-old mother anyway, then dies at 65, leaving my mother to raise me alone, along with 2 other young half-siblings she brought into their marriage.

I know myself well enough to know that I would have been angry at my father for, as I would see it, being selfish. Now maybe I couldn't judge him -- maybe God had chosen that I would be born from them in that way, and I would have no right to judge. But I would still feel abandoned, angry that we now had to struggle so much, and jealous of those who got to grow up with parents of "normal" age.

How would others feel in this situation?

I would be very interested in hearing people's thoughts about this topic.

I don't know about any of your sub-questions, but you seem to be leaving God out of the equation on your main question. While life insurance and leaving an inheritance likely have their place, ultimately it is up to God to provide.

I mean I am a single woman who lived with another single woman from my church. Neither of us have ever married so have never even had a husband to provide for us in the first place. A few years back God allowed us to have a year without any job or regular income source for our household. It was difficult but God used it to grow our faith by providing for our needs in spite of it all. When our faith was sufficiently exercised, God reinstated financial support.

I know from other things He has taught me, that God expects us to do our part, and He makes up the difference. I see no reason why fatherhood/husbandhood would be any different. The Bible even says in Psalm 68:5, "A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling." So it seems clear to me that while a man should do his best to provide for his family, and seeking God's guidance on marriage is wise whatever a person's circumstance (financial means is no guarantee either), no follower of Christ should make decisions about family life based on fear of dying, or any fear really.