How is the single life for you as a Christian?

In many Christian circles it is seen as sad if you are in your late 20s, 30s or older and "still single". I personally know that everyones journey with God is a unique one and there are so many factors that come into play in terms of why someone is single, so I'm content in my singlehood (not that I don't wish for a partnership, though). What are your thoughts?

Howdy and welcome to the forum.

Me, I'm happy being single. I'm 46 and I've never so much as been on a date before. I just never have bothered.

Of course if I happen to find a nice lady and we find out we get along really well together... That would be cool too. But I'm not going to be unhappy just because I don't have that right now.

But you're right, a lot of people sure do look at being single as something broken that needs to be fixed. They need to just mind their own business. Some of us are happy and don't need fixing.

Hi KBeef,

Welcome to the forum! I apologize if you don't get as much traffic to your thread as you may have been expecting. Written forums like this seem to have really waned in popularity, and we don't get nearly as many interactions as we used to.

I joined this forum in 2009 and was going over some of the threads from that time -- there were tons of people here and a much different crowd back then -- mostly 20's and 30's. These days, I think the age range now is about 35-60+, which really changes the atmosphere. We still have some younger people and people of all ages are still welcome -- but it seems that with this now-older audience, finding someone is no longer a top priority.

I do think dating and one's availability gets a lot harder as you get older. In your 20's and early 30's, you might have the flexibility to move most anywhere while running on dreams that society (and the church) firmly plant into our heads -- just trust in God, pray, volunteer in the ministry, and you'll find your unicorn to ride off happily into the sunset with!

But by 35, many have already been married and now have children. Something in life blindsided them and now they are trying to deal with the aftermath, which makes finding a partner a much bigger challenge. Most couldn't move very far, if at all; they can't change jobs or leave member of their family... which can severely limit choices.

Others have learned the hard way that it's not all sunshine, angels and rainbows like we all seem to picture in our younger years. In the family forum, we regularly saw people posting for help in their marriages because of porn addictions, alcoholism, refusal of a spouse to take God seriously, problems with kids, problems with in-laws... but not much actual help. (At least, not many, if any, came back to report any victories.) And I'm still there's even more people today with those problems -- just not many post about them to strangers on public forum.

I think because of this, many of us who are older and have seen marriages, even Christian ones, struggle or crumble -- it's made us much more cautious and very hesitant to run into anything.

When I was younger, people in church always pushed me to get married, seeing it as a bit unnatural that I wasn't. But those same people are now dealing with their own separations, divorces, spouses who don't know who they are (and have a decade or more left to live,) and spouses who have severe disabilities, need 24-hour care, or have already passed away.

I know that for myself, it's made me see both marriage and singleness in a very different light -- and for now, I'm at peace with being single. As you and Lynx have said, meeting someone could be great!!! But I'm no longer in a hurry -- and have learned from my many past mistakes when I tried to rush things that God apparently didn't have for me (at least not at that time.)

What is the single scene like in Germany? Do you feel much pressure to get married?

It's going to be great getting to know you and learning about what single life is like in your country and culture.

We're glad to have you here!

Singleness sure hasn't been voluntary for me. I wonder about some who I encountered in my youth, but people are where they are and things played out the way they did.

What I know is that God has used my singleness to serve some of the forgotten of the world, and he has been speaking to me since I was 30 about marriage (I'm 43 now), and has indicated that He has someone in particular in mind, but it doesn't seem to be anything I can do much about making happen.

I really resent the harsh judgment from alleged Christians online (not here so far) that think they know better than you what your life should look like, condemning you for not being a wife and mother per their interpretation of the Bible, when your state isn't even your choice. I'm probably a little too eager for God to put them in their place (or maybe not), but their words have been downright cruel and hurtful.

No one should have to apologize for being single. Glad to have you onboard with us. Welcome to CC.

Too bad you didn't grow up in the South. You coulda said "Well bless your heart."

I can definitely relate to this, both online and in real life. But my whole life, people have always wanted me to be more like them and not like me. I'd like to learn that in my old(er) age, I've finally learned the difference, and that God tells me it's ok to be me.

I had two very memorable instances of single parents (one a mother in real life; one a father here on CC) who were always telling me I needed to "do my part" by adopting kids or somehow having kids of my own. My personal contribution was raising an alcoholic's kids for 3 years while he couldn't, as well as financially sponsoring kids through my adoption agency, but that was never good enough. They thought I should somehow have children on my own, and the single father said I should be taking in single mothers as roommates and helping to raise their children (which I've known some other singles to be doing.)

And then the root of it all finally came tumbling out. The single mother was a co-worker, and one day she had a meltdown in the bathroom, saying, "I hate seeing you walk by everyday! I hate knowing what you have! I HATE that you have FREEDOM -- and I don't!" She then went on to say she wished she would have never had her oldest child. (And yes, she was a professing Christian, but obviously under an immense amount of stress.)

Likewise, the single father told me he was stressed out and tired of doing everything alone -- he felt it was owed it to him that a woman should be helping him pay his bills and raise his children.

I have had married women also express the same -- that they hate the idea of someone not dealing with the things they have to deal with, not having to check in with anyone or ask permission to come and go -- and that they wished I was locked up in a cage just as they felt.

It took some time for these things to come out. In the meantime, they'd tell me I wasn't being a real woman or real Christian because I wasn't a wife and mother, etc. But eventually, they had so many bitter roots eating away at their souls, they couldn't keep holding it in forever... And eventually, the cracks began to show. So, I always take these kinds of criticisms now with a large block of salt.

Now I don't mind at all if people have great marriages and want to talk about it. We have some wonderful married friends here who are very supportive and encouraging, like @tourist, whom we met while he was single, but has remained a great friend even after he got married (to a wonderful woman here on the forum.)

For me, the line is crossed if this progresses to someone seeing themselves as being better than singles for being married and that I, the lesser single person, can only begin to achieve a better status (even though I will never achieve what they see as their holiest status) by getting married.

My default reply to that now is always, "God rarely takes couples at the same time. Do you not realize that EVERY married person has a 50/50 chance of being single?" In other words... What happens if or when the time comes when you are single? How does that make you better than me, or anyone else who is single?

But this always gets sidestepped and never directly answered. I understand that people either want to think their spouse will die first and singleness will never happen to them, or that they just don't want to think about or address the issue at all.

Yet none even the most married of the married can escape that this is a fact of life, and I'm seeing this on a regular basis, as I have family who live in a place where many couples are heartbreakingly finding out what "'Til Death Do Us Part" really means.

I feel absolutely terrible for the ones whose spouses die, what's even worse are the ones who have dementia/Alzheimer's, not knowing who their wife or husband even is anymore, and yet sometimes they have many more years to live and be taken care of by someone they no longer know, let express any love to.

Ah, Tourist! ❤️

You must have known I was thinking of you in my post.

Many thanks to you for your friendship and support over the many years we've all been on this journey together, as well as much gratitude to our other supportive married friends on the forum.

We thank God for you! 🙏

In the best case scenario
We'd die at the same time
We'd die at the same time
Wouldn't we?

Or go in the Rapture together, of course, family members would string along too🙏😄

Hi KBeef, welcome to CC!

For most of my 20's I wasn't content with singleness and neglected my relationship with God because of it. But I have come to realize it's not so bad, and can be a blessing in some ways. I like that I don't have to ask permission from anyone but God, and I don't have to worry about the "static" of another person's input clouding my perceptions (though I do often ask others for input, I just like that it's by choice).

That said, if God did give me the chance to marry a guy I really clicked with and everything seemed right, I do think I would take that option. I'm just not holding my breath expecting it, life is happening right now and there's plenty to do. A ministry partner would be amazing, but I might work best as a solo operative and I have accepted that possibility.

I don't feel too awfully looked down on for being single. It's kind of annoying when pastors announce that motherhood is the single highest calling a woman can attain to, but I think that's usually more cluelessness than disdain. They probably don't know that I had always wanted to be a mom, and singleness at 41 was never a personal goal. And really I think that staying in God's will is the highest calling ANYONE can attain to, no matter where it takes us.....even down paths we never would have chosen. But at least we know where we end up!

I did hear a good point in favor of actually going out and finding someone. I heard it just this morning from a comedian on youtube.

Comedian quote:
Marriage is you having a life partner, someone who can look at you as you get older and go, "Hey. That's weird. Don't do that outside the house. Don't embarrass me in front of other peope, cause they know we're together."

But if you're not married and you don't have that, you just keep going through life gettine weirder and weirder, and you think it's normal cause you're with you all day. Before you know it, you're that weird dude that everyone in the neighborhood talks about.

- Josh Johnson

I am glad you are content with your situation.. I am single also and i am at peace with my situation too..

One interesting thing is that the church doesn't seem to recognize all the people, especially nowadays, who are literally raising children who are not "their own."

How many of us know those who are helping to raise another's children? I've known several singles who are doing this, but yet, the church seems to elevate only "having ONE'S OWN" children as the highest calling. Biology seems to be everything to most in the church.

As an adopted child myself, I know this all too well. People always ask, "What about your REAL parents?" And people have even told me, "That's great that your parents took you in, but I know I could never raise someone who wasn't MY OWN child." And I do understand when I've talked to other adoptees who insist on having their own biological children rather than adopting themselves (they fantasize about a biological connection and think it will be more meaningful than trying to turn strangers into family.)

And yet, the Bible says, "Pure and undefiled religion before God the Father is this: to care for orphans and widows in their distress, and to keep oneself unstained by the world." -- James 1:27

I'm certainly not saying everyone should adopt -- I know some people aren't cut out for it, including myself at my age (I didn't have any children and feel I'm past the age now, but at one time I wanted to adopt) -- but it's interesting that the church somehow seems to see biological ties as the ruling class.

Many years ago we had a single gal in her 30's who had a long history of fostering children, as she said she felt this was her calling. It's so ironic to me that many in the church wouldn't see her as a "real" mother, but I'm sure God recognized that she was taking on something very few could do (again, including myself.)

Though my mother has her tendency to measure all her children's life success by the standard of the American dream (she does seem to be improving, thank goodness), most of the people I have encountered have been strangers online, so I haven't had the chance to see the fuller picture as you have. Therefore thank you for sharing your insights. I won't be forgetting them.

Also, I find it quite relatable how God has used you to serve others but in a way that isn't identified as equivalent by outsiders. I have been called to support a lot of people who normally don't have the support they need. I suppose you could describe my calling more as being a float for God. It's sad when others only value the contributions of specialists.

There's also the fact that many of us have become comfortable with our lives, see no reason to change something that is working fine as it is, and we would need a very good reason to move out of our comfort zones by this point. Something better than a nebulous benefit that statistically has a good chance of crashing and burning as soon as it gets off the ground.

I mean, if my life can be likened to a house of cards - and I think it might - I have just got this house of cards stable enough that it won't collapse every time I so much as glance at it. It's not the biggest house of cards, not the most elaborate or ornate... I didn't really know what I was doing when I started building it and I'm still not sure what I'm doing... But somehow I got it to stand on its own. I'm kind of proud of that.

And now you want me to add a balcony? NO!

You want to act like my little house of cards doesn't really count without the addition you say I need to put on it? You want to try to make me feel like it isn't a REAL house of cards unless I add this?

What if adding this balcony makes my little house of cards collapse? Statistically I have a BETTER THAN EVEN CHANCE that it will. Bet you won't be around to help me rebuild it. So why are you so insistent that I need this balcony?

Ahem...

So yeah, some of us are comfortable with our lives right now and we see no need to deliberately change it just because other people claim we need to.

I don't mind being single. Trust me, I've got other things to worry about at the moment.


If any girls wanna come cuddle with me in bed though, you're more than welcome to.


Don't worry, I'm not THAT scary....I promise. 😏🤞

Yes, very true for a lot of us but I recently learned something about this state.

Not only am I single, but all my pets have died in the last few years. I didn't want to get a new pet on the rebound, though, so I waited until I felt like I was emotionally and practically ready to even look seriously. Then last week there was a special on pet adoptions. That alone wasn't enough to get me moving, but then I turned on a pop music video and felt myself gushing over the dogs. I'm not in a good place to adopt a dog right now, but this made me go to the shelter to look at the kittens.

Coming in at the end of the day and towards the end of the week during such a special, though, all the really desirable kittens were already adopted. There was one that was shy but might be brought around, and seeing cute little kitties in my face, I got as far as the front of the adoption line before I let myself fully realized that this was not the right kitten, nor the right week for me to be adopting. In other words, for the most part I was getting by just fine without a pet, but put the beautiful little creature in my face and I could barely help but want to take it home no matter what.

The points of all this is that I then realized that though I'm comfortable and fairly content with my single life right now, when God puts the right man in my face, I think I'm really going to want to keep him too.

And that's ok! 😎

Yeah, the weird old dude or the crazy cat lady is kind of like the unforgiveable sin - By the time you reach that point there is no cure, because you're happy with the way life is and you won't try to fix it.

It can't be cured, only prevented. Parents, talk to your kids about it... Before it's too late.