What's After "Hello?"

SteveEpperson said:
In fact, I often ask about what a woman's most romantic date was or what her very first kiss was like.

I totally get your reaction here. You, like most other men, have been told never to have such an intimate conversation with a woman you just met. You may get slapped across the face.

I should have prefaced my statement by saying this is what I used to do--before giving my life to Christ-- to accelerate the romance. Still, if you ask a romantic question in a God-honoring way, it can bring you closer together. Again, you must have self-control and show restraint.

But let's face it, if you want her to marry you, at some point, she will have to view you as a future sexual partner. There's no way around that. So, by the time you get engaged to be married, you are so on fire for each other that only the supernatural power of the Holy Spirit can restrain you.

Blessings to you as well. This is one of the nicest things someone has told me in a long time. Thank you.

I'm wondering what would happen if you said this sort of thing to a delivery driver dropping off something at work. Maybe something like:

"Hello, how is your day going?" you ask him while giving him a cold bottle of water.

"Oh wow, thank you," he replies. "It's so hot out there and I've got so many deliveries today."

You smile sincerely, look him in the eye, and say, " I pray that the rest of your day goes well. Stay safe."

"Wow, you are probably the nicest person I have ever met. What's your name?"

Okay, he might not ask for your name or say you are the nicest person he's ever met. But at least he will know there's a nice, attractive lady waiting for him next time with a wonderful smile, a cold bottle of water, and something nice to say to him.

You won't have to worry about @notmyown not being able to find a woman to marry or getting someone to "view as a future sexual partner."

@notmyown is:

1. A woman.
2. One of the most respected members of the forum who has been here a long time.
3. Has the experience of a lifelong marriage and raising kids who are grown adults with families of their own.

This is yet another example of why it's important to take the time to engage with and learn about your audience.

This isn't some random 20-year-old guy who's trying to land his first date -- this is a Godly woman with a lifetime of experience who is telling you from her perspective that asking a woman about her first kiss isn't a good idea.

I'm guessing, as you've said you've done this with most everyone else here, that you are most likely just going to put her on Ignore as well.

You've mentioned that you're a professional writer.

Do you ever actually interact with your audience or are you just used to saying what you want to say to them, with them having no way of saying anything back, or being able to keep on ignoring everything they try to tell you?

I've had people tell me I should try to take on professional writing and the lack of interaction/learning about the audience is one of the main reasons why I've never pursued it.

From what I've seen, you interact plenty with your audience.

Thank you Zero, I greatly appreciate that.

I know everyone is different and built for different things. For me, I think I'm like this because my whole life has basically been a reception hall for lectures and sermons. Growing up in Lutheran schools, Sunday school, vacation Bible school, Bible camp, and of course regular church attendance and Bible classes with a strict, "Sit back and listen like a good Christian, never question anything, and never think differently than how we tell you" brought out the fight in me.

Except for what I find necessary for learning, I've grown quite an aversion to just "preaching" without any personal interaction. I can neither just sit and be preached to continuously without the person wanting to know anything about the audience, and I can't just talk at a person without wanting to know about them. I also try to only start threads when I'll have time to interact with replies, and of course I can't answer every one, but I do try to make at least enough replies to seem like an actual conversation. But that's just me.

This is why I've never tried writing a book or blogs as many have told me I should try (and I'm always very flattered by that,) but I know my job isn't to talk at people, it's to get people talking to each other.

I suppose I'm making a big mistake by hoping others who like to preach will also put in the effort to be facilitators as well -- and perhaps they're not built or called for that -- but talking down to your audience without getting to know anything about them is just something I have a hard time accepting.

I've spent so much of my life in those situations of being an audience that's supposed to be captive and quiet that something in me always wants to break free when I encounter them again.

But I certainly can't speak for everyone else and I'm sure the things Steve is posting are helping some people out there.

I just wish it could be done without talking down to almost every other member in the forum at the same time.

Good job.How did you find this pic.👍🏾😂

I just searched his name since I remembered his creepy smile lol.

Hmmmm....

"WHAT'S AFTER HELLO?"

Goodbye?!

I'm leaning in that direction myself. 15 years being widowed, 13+ years since my last bonafide date with a Christian woman, and you start to get the hint. I'm at the point where I feel an urging to start being aloof to every female I run into. I think God has simply put me in a jar like a moth. The poor creature in that predicament ain't getting out unless allowed out. So it is with me. No, not saying that I'm so hot that God has to get in their way. But, to not meet anyone in all that time, with the same kinds of things happening over and over and over and over again, you see a pattern that appears to be there by design.

I'm truly sorry for your loss. I will never be able to understand that level of devastation in your life. I know that time has helped cover the wound a bit, but like a nagging shoulder injury, the pain of it will flair up from time to time. However, I can tell that you are strong in the Lord.

This is a problem I see with both Christian men and women. We are told from the day of conversion not to associate with non-Christians. Worse, when someone confesses Jesus as Lord, we are automatically suspicious of them. We want to make sure they are a "bonafide" (your word, not mine) true Christian.

Even worse, we often compare ourselves to them, drawing up a ledger and a tally sheet in our heads. We have a checklist in our minds of what that other person needs to be like before we can truly believe they are a real Christian.

I have to tell you, if you are starting from this position, your dating success will be quite dismal. When you start with a negative view of a woman, you are going to come across as unattractive to her, no matter how good-looking you are on the outside.

I am not afraid of saying hello to, flirting with, or even dating a non-Christian woman. Why? Because I believe God has put that imperfect woman in front of an extremely imperfect man like me for a reason.

So, therefore, I am going to convict every woman I meet for the first time to be a God-honoring creation of my Father in heaven until she proves otherwise.

If you believe that you will somehow be corrupted by a woman you meet for the first time, your faith is weak and you have no self-control. But I'm sensing that is not the case with you.

So, don't be afraid to say hello to--and even flirt with-- women you meet every day, even non-Christian ones. The worst that can happen is that she finally sees what a man of God truly looks like and gets convicted by the Holy Spirit to look into her own life.

I was like that while recovering from a terrible divorce. But I'm here to tell you that you'll be much happier when you start to say hello to random women everywhere you go. You'll also get to the point where you will start a conversation out of the blue.

Even if you NEVER get another date with a woman again-- not likely if you follow my lead-- the joy you bring to a woman for a brief moment--the moment when you've made her day a bit brighter-- feels like a tiny taste of heaven and brings immense joy into your own life, I promise!

Bro, please read what I'm writing... unless my writing has been unclear. I didn't say bonafide Christian, I said bonafide date. I.e., not just a platonic hang-out or some sinful 'meetup', but an actual, legitimate date.

Not starting from that place.

No. Done. They want nothing to do with me. I have 13+ years of experience. You are not taking this seriously. There is not enough room in any thread to outline the ways women have ghosted me, shot me down, or otherwise responded to me in such a way that you'd think I'd grown a third eye on my forehead.

No. Nein. Nyet.

I have done this. They're polite enough. And, that's it. The joy in this has eluded me. They really don't want to be bothered.

No, it doesn't. I want them to bring me some joy into mine for a flippin' change. Hasn't happened. Ain't happening.

When I say I'm a moth in a jar, I'm not kidding. It is not meant to happen. You still have hope. Great. I know someone who was sinning with a woman in church... then got his life more in line with God, made a point to find a wife and got one. Last I heard, I think they were on their second kid. When God shuts down a road, you're not crossing it. Only when He opens it up again can you traverse through. However, whether or not this is all due to Him, I am sick of the indifference and uncomfortable politeness I receive. Happens too often. I don't smell. I don't stare creepily. I don't say rude things. I'm outgoing, friendly, and I have gotten no where with this.

I realize that you're Mr. Date. But, the opposite sex wants nothing to do with me, save three platonic friends I have, two of which are married. Oh... the women who are friendliest to me oftentimes are spoken for. The single ones act cautiously and uncomfortably around me. And, I am sick of it.

I have to address this because it's how many Christians feel about their singlehood. First, there is the false belief that God is somehow going to drop a perfect Christian spouse out of the sky and land them on their front doorstep, eager and waiting to be married. In most cases, this won't happen.

Why? For the same reason that he isn't just going to simply "air-mail" you an "A" on a test, a college degree, or a perfect six-figure job.

Instead, I believe He wants us to work and live while we're here on this tiny planet for such a short time. If the Lord were to give us everything on a silver platter, including a spouse, we would have no incentive to learn, grow, develop relationships, and have fun in the process.

Therefore, it's up to us to do the hard work of finding that special person, developing a Godly relationship with them, and presenting them to be approved by God for marriage. But to God, it really isn't even about the end game. It's about the character that we develop and the joy we realize when we connect with others.

As far as there being a negative pattern developed over time due to disappointing dating outcomes:

These negative outcomes are NOT from God. He desires the best for you and wants you to succeed in finding the right person to marry. It's Satan who is putting doubts in your head and wants you to fail at finding a spouse.

Why? Because Satan hates marriage and all it stands for. He is behind EVERY divorce and does not want to take the chance of a shaky marriage turning into a Godly one. Worse for him is when your kids turn out to be Christ-followers as well!

So, declare in the name of Jesus that you will no longer believe these lies. You are worthy, as a child of God, to find a Godly woman to marry, and you will start living again by making new connections, no matter how many rejections you may face along the journey. After all, each nasty reply you get is just one more you won't have to endure along the way to an inevitable Godly connection.

Bro, you're a nice guy. I appreciate your desire to encourage. But, you're saying this stuff because I've not related to you the consistent garbage I've put up with since 2011. I cannot. I have too many other things I want and need to accomplish (I honestly need a good sabbath... but that's another story). Try to trust me when I say that the reactions and responses have been consistent, over hundreds, if not more, females. This includes online and real-world situations. There comes a point when you have to realize that maybe God is just saying 'no'.

Okay, I get it now. But again, you must keep an open mind and get rid of any preconceived notions of what a "legitimate date" is. Think outside the box. For example, you're at a self-serve laundry place (in the US, we call them laundromats). You spot a single woman throwing her clothes in the wash. Perfect! You're nearly on the same timeline, so you quickly throw yours in and head out the door.

Your destination is the nearest fast food place that no one would object to. You order a small burger, a small fish sandwich (in case she hates beef--see where I'm going with this?), and a couple of small beverages. If you have some money left over, throw in an order of fries.

Now, get back there before she leaves!

You walk back into the laundromat and quickly observe what's happening. If it's something tragic, like there's another dude with her, at least you have dinner and maybe even breakfast all set up for yourself. Also, notice if she's washing or folding any men's clothes. It will tip you off that she's either married or living with another man.

If she's still alone, confidently walk up to her and say hello. Her eyes will immediately be drawn to the bag of yummies you have in your hand.

As you start taking the stuff out of the bag and laying it out on a nearby table, you say, "I noticed you working extremely hard, so I figured you might be hungry. Go ahead and help yourself to whatever you want here and I'll take whatever's left over."

"By the way, my name is Todd. Please, help yourself."

Now, there are three possible outcomes to this scenario:

1. She takes a huge risk and eats with you

You may think that a woman would be out of her mind to eat with someone she's never met before. But consider that many women have done even crazier things, such as "hooking up" with a man they just met.

To increase your chances of success here, it's best to dress professionally, with your hair combed well, and your shoes polished to perfection. Also, maintain a humble but confident attitude. You want to convey that what you are doing is perfectly normal and safe for her, especially if she has an urgent need for food.

If you want to decrease the risk for her, your gift option would be sealed bottled beverages or flavored water that any woman would enjoy. Let her pick and choose from a variety of options.

As you are eating together, ask her how her day is going and segue into what she does for work. Next, you'll go a bit deeper and ask about what she likes to do for fun. You may even have an opportunity to ask a romantic question, which I'll cover in another post.

Voila! You just had your first date! After you finish stuffing your face and finish folding your tighty whities, tell her you'll meet her at the same place and time next week, maybe with a bucket of chicken. Of course, it will be a surprise!

2. She asks, "What the *@#&% are you doing?"

Again, it's important to realize that, as shocking as this would be for anyone to witness, I guarantee she has never experienced anything like this in her life. This is a once-in-a-lifetime thing that is so outrageous that she will remember you--for better or worse-- until the day she dies.

No matter how she asks the question, "Why are you doing this," it's best to respond with something like, "Even though I know for sure I'm going to heaven one day, I have a feeling my job up there will be a janitor. So, I figure if I do enough nice things for people while I'm alive, God might promote me to shoe-shine boy."

I've said this sort of thing to women on occasion, and I usually get a chuckle. But no matter what response you use, keep it light.

3. She says, "No thanks, I'm not hungry."

This would probably be the most common response but don't give up just yet. You've already said hello and offered her food. There's a high probability that this is not the worst encounter she's ever had with a man.

Put the bag of food aside and say something like, "Oh, that's okay, I'm going to save all this for breakfast tomorrow." By the way, I'm Todd."

If she offers her name, it's time to continue the conversation. If she says hi without saying her name, you're not blown out of the water yet. You could ask her how her day is going or ask her what's the story behind a unique piece of jewelry she's wearing.

Still, it could mean that she is either having a bad day or she just doesn't want to bother socializing right now. Either way, NEVER take a rejection personally.

I know I've droned on a bit here, but the main thing I want for you is to become more positive overall. Don't dwell on the past. What's worked for me, especially after my divorce, was binge-watching silly comedy shows like I Love Lucy and Gomer Pyle. It's true what they say, laughter is the best medicine.

Talk to you again soon.

Not buying it. That's Satan in your ear. Not God.

After reading several of your responses, I can see that this whole martyrdom thing is working for you. After my divorce, it worked for me for several years as well.

At some point in your life, you may decide to choose joy and happiness once again. Maybe you're not ready for that right now. But if you ever decide to let go of your bitterness and negativity, and want to start living again, take another look at what I've written on this forum.

After reading a few of my posts, you'll discover that it's not about getting married or even getting a first date. It's about living your life to the fullest and blessing others along the way.

Peace and blessings to you. I'll be praying for you.

Well... Ya got two outta three right. (As far as I know.)

You should go back and read some of your own tirades on this very forum. Try to read them as if someone was saying those things to you. There's a LOT of rude things in there.

So how recent of a convert are you? Because right now what we're able to glean about you from your posts is that you were good at getting women into bed with these techniques but ended up divorced and that was mostly (not sure of the timeline) before coming to Christ. And now you talk like if a woman will make polite conversation with you she's yours for the taking if you just turn on the charm, but you're not that interested in the gal you just talked to. So we've gotta wonder.. did anyone ever tell you that God's ways are not the same as the world's ways? Have you ever been in an actual Christian romantic relationship where both parties were trying to honor God in the relationship? Do you really think so little of women that you think they have no autonomy or ability to make a good decision and that it's all up to what the man wants if he applies your techniques? Why do you think not focusing on romance and finding someone is such a problem that you have to write a series of posts trying to correct all of us who are contentedly single?