The Banned Game

Miss Lanolin suspected something was a bit off about Thor when he kept mentioning things that happened before she was born even though he looked only 21 years old. He reminded her of someone else who she had previously dated, called Jack Frost (or Mr Frosty) and it was like living in a time warp or an Amish community.

Miss Lanolin wanted to go back to the future but at least Thor appreciated books and had not succumbed to online temptations.

Mrs Santa Claus was busy, the run up to Christmas was beginning and now they were in Norway where the demand for gifts was high and her husband had been out everyday with the unicorns, who were not really liking the climate change from Shittimstan.

The lack of sunshine had turned them pale and white, and they desperately needed some antlers, if they were to pass as reindeer.

Why dont we ask Thor to make us a new sleigh? Asked Mrs Santa Claus. She was looking at the latest model, it had all the jingle bells and whistles.

Awww, Ms Jenny couldn’t fathom how everything had fallen apart. Even the nefarious Mosestarians and the nosy Lanolinlanders had went quiet. Ms Ruby was nowhere to be seen and the ruler of Shittimistan was hiding in the caves of his homeland.

She was gazing at a picture of her long gone lost love Charles, who had betrayed her but still made her heart beat faster.

Ray-Earl, a faithful man of honor, had helped her get back to power, but he insisted on wearing oversized overalls even to formal events so he wasn’t covering every aspect of his position.

Her wannabe bourgeois mind could not accept that.

As a leviathan of ancient origins waits beneath the sea for his moment to strike...

The long and the short of it was that the Great Chieftain of Mosestaria - Moses the Young(er), had become involved in another war. This time, with the Shittimistanians. You see, the Shittimistanians hold in special reverence a particular breed of monkey - the Simian Pinchfist. The Shittimistanians believe the Simian Pinchfist is especially favoured above all other apes by its Creator, because the Simian Pinchfist can't pronounce vowel sounds. It can only speak in consonants. For example, were a Simian Pinchfist to say the word "dog", it would sound like "d_g" to the casual listener. The Shittimistanians reverence for the Simian Pinchfist borders on a type of mild worship.

There is also another breed of monkey, called the Boorian Bonobo, a somewhat more primitive-looking ape. Anyhoo, there had been somewhat of another border dispute between the Boorian Bonobos and the Simian Pinchfists - something about someone taking more than his fair share of bananas from the banana tree, and apparently 50 baby Simian Pinchfists had died of food poisoning as a result of the theft.

The somewhat shifty, squint-eyed leader of the Simian Pinchfists, one king Netan Yamabenji, had decreed that the time had come to implement the final solution to the Boorian Bonobos, which coincidentally, seemed to align almost exactly with Shittimistanian beliefs about Armageddon and the end of the Banana Age.

While enthusiastically engaged in an International Spy-Vision call with the Great Chieftain of Mosestaria - may his whiskers ever be sleek and pointy - on this latest turn of events, the Shittimistanian leader had proposed a toast to the blood of Boorian Bonobos everywhere. Never the biggest fan of toast at the best of times, but all-the-moreso when said toast is tainted with blood - no less the blood of the untamed, semi-hygenic Boorian Bonobos - the Great Mosestarian Chieftain had quickly pointed out the the Simian Pinchfists' banana tree was the most heavily guarded tree in the whole of the Simian Pinchfist empire for Boorian Bonobos to achieve the banana theft so successfully, and even if it weren't, banana theft doesn't cause food poisoning in baby Simian Pinchfists anyway, and perhaps Netan Yamabenji had more to gain from this Final Solution to the Boorian Bonobos than met the eye?

Insulted by the Mosestarian Chieftain's questioning of the leader of one of their (almost) deities, the Shittimistanians had immediately declared war on the Mosestarian sector of Antarctica, and the Great Chieftain had been forced to take some precautionary measures, one of which was the forcible kidnapping of his long-sleeping arch-nemesis, Miss Ruby of Rubyland, the tieing of her ankles by rope, and the dangling of her helpless, sleeping form over a chilling cauldron of Antarctic-special, sub-zero degree water, kept liquid only by a special, secret additive patented in all the major Western nations by the Great Chieftain himself. One touch of this water would instantaneously turn Miss Ruby of the Ruby Triangle into a Ruby-shaped icicle.

The Great Chieftain smiled grimly to himself. He knew there was no hope of waking Miss Ruby by now... But he would have his revenge ere he invaded Shittimistan...

Thor knocked together a balsa wood raft he said was light as a feather that the unicorns could easily fly to the Pacific Ocean, where the gift-hungry children eagerly awaited. They asked for more shoes this year for their growing feet. It wasnt enough to walk barefoot on the sand anymore.

Because of the pollution coming from the Ruby Triangle there had ended up washed on the pristine white sands escapee box jellyfish who looked like plastic bags, but werent. You had to watch where you stepped now.

Megs Pegs Legs and Wigs were running out of havianas and subsituted platform crocs in the shoeboxes instead.
Megs suddenly found herself doing a roaring trade in jibitzes, and Harry no longer needed to worry where his next meal ticket was coming from, after giving up being Royal and being banned from all Commonwealth countries.

Miss Jenny sympathised, as she had given up being Royal too and now had joined Club Med. Jennymaesia now had a whole string of them and expanded out into the Pacific Ocean, where they were now known as Club Pac.

There was a strict dress code in Club Pac and you had to wear toe jewellery.

“Given up on being Royal?” Ms Jenny thought she was reading the propaganda pamphlet upside down, but no, it clearly stated that She, the greatest royalty of all times, had resigned from royalty.

Barely visible, and in vague terms, on page three, an article stood out from the rest of the gossip. Ms Jenny immediately recognized the code language as the cosmic top secret emergency code developed by Ms Ruby. She had to fetch the code cracker from her vault. The message was short and down to the point.

“Help! I’m out of ruby red lipstick and my hair is a complete mess. Can you please find my makeup bag? Also the Chieftain has kidnapped me and he’s threatening to make me into an icicle!”

How terrible, Ms Jenny thought to herself. What was Ms Ruby’s hair like by now? Maybe any hairbrush wouldn’t suffice? She probably was in a dire need of the pink, heavy duty brush. Ms Jenny emptied her purse and finally she found the super brush. Now Ms Ruby could fix her hair!

What does this have to do with banning people? Jennymae... YOU ARE BANNED! Banned do you hear?? BANNED! BANNED! BANNED! Muahahahahahahaha

I’m awfully sorry on your behalf @Gojira, but you have epically failed to comprehend the true spirit of the banned thread. 😂😂😂

Banning devices were so last year, thought Mrs Santa Claus. She had been doing her research and found out the latest thing was ouija board touch screen tablets. All the little monsters wanted them.

How they worked was you typed questions into the search engine called OuiJa and it gave you an automatic answer as it was manned by binary robots up in the cloud.

You could ask it anything like what it the price of a pink hair brush? And it would come up with nine dollars ninety nine cents.

You sure it ain’t a Gojira board? Ms Jenny had a hard time believing that Gojira would know what the price of a hairbrush was, but given that monsters were frequently using the @Gojira board, she went along with the idea.

Mrs Santa Claus had recruiter Ms Jenny as her helper. Ms Jenny suggested that the little monsters were more into the other brand, Gojira board, so she ordered a entire cargo load from GoJiraland where they were made.
They were cheaper and came with a tough lizard skin cover. And they were the right size to fit in a shoebox.

Ms Jenny was flattered by the fact that Mrs Santa Claus wanted her as her helper, but the resistance movement in her country required her services back home. Luckily she had the perfect solution for Mrs Santa Claus. A certain President of a country made up of librarians seemed to fit Mrs Santa’s bill perfectly.

Stupid human games.

Pardon me as I do something more useful, like frolic in the South Pacific.

That’s the reptile response. You lizards need to be more empathetic to human games.😂

You humans need to shut up

Miss Greenlips Hine thought President Lanolin had been gone a mighty long time.
Where is she? Still in Norwegia?

Lanolinland had to have elections without her, and King Mittens was voted in, despite not even being a candidate. Kevin was runner up.

The Lanolinlanders just wrote King Mittens name on all the ballots on pieces of paper, instead of ticking a box, which all the other candidates did, hoping that voters would just mindlessly tick the box. Some candidates renamed themselves the Alpha party hoping that being on the top of the list, people would be lazy and just tick the first one they saw.

It was all a bit of a circus and Kevin was relieved when the elections were over and that he was still 2IC.

Im dreaming of a White Christmas....

Miss Lanolin woke up to blinding snow and had to shield her eyes. Thor had prepared her a white breakfast that consisted of pavlova topped with cream, icing sugar and popcorn. He put it on a white plate and gave her white plastic knives and forks to eat it with a white napkin and a glass of white milk.

Meanwhile Miss Ruby was having elevenses. She had red velvet cake, a glass of red wine, cherries, and red Mosetarian Meatballs in tomato sauce. Who her mystery suitor was we had no idea. He had ubered it with no note and a dozen red roses.

She kept that secret to herself, to be revealed at the right time. Was it Morty the Mortician? Barney the Dinosaur? Or one of the Eagle clones.