What do you all do with friends/people who do not keep in touch unless you initiate the conversation? Do you check in with them once in a while, or eventually stop?
Trouble with friends
- Thread starter Kaylz
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Holy crap... I and almost all the single people I know are already married and we didn't know it!I did...kinda...but they had a coupon in the mail so I used that....all at the same time they were running a sale on paint brushes. So together between the sale and the coupon it didn't cost me anything extra at the time.
Of course there are exceptions to the rule....not everyone is so cookie cutter. And there are plenty of fish in the sea.
Seriously. I don't do any of the things on your list of things single people do, and I already do all the things on your list of what married people do... RIGHT DOWN TO THE BAKING!
And I'm not in the minority. Most of the single people I know are like me. Well, except for the baking part.
I mean any large group will have one or two people like what you describe. The rest of us just do our best to ignore them. Eventually they get bored and wander off the bug some other group. But that's maybe 3% of the single people I know, not the majority. They are certainly not enough to consider us normal people as the exception.
Why do you think that is the norm for single people though? Is it your way of feeling superior to singles? I have noticed you try very hard to imply you are superior to singles because you are married. Is this one of your methods?
Eventually stop and go do something more productive and/or entertaining. If I have to initiate the conversation every time, they probably consider me an annoyance.
Right now, I only initiate once or twice per year with those who don't initiate (via text). We go back and forth how we are doing for a day or two via text (sometimes a call), and nothing after that. I am talking about some former roommates/church friends, etc. If I don't initiate, we may never keep in touch (and this has happened, I have lost track of some people). I am only initiating with a few worth keeping in touch, but wondering if I should bother.
I have to vehemently protest this entire post, along with your earlier statement in another post that you didn't want to be part of, what you made out to be, the awful, detestable single crowd. I know you said in another post that there are exceptions but man, you sure didn't sound very convinced of it.
But I also realize you are speaking from the perspective of having been married for many years and preferring that lifestyle, whereas I come from a place of having been married a few years and then learning to live decades as a single.
Just as you paint singles as being completely self-centered and "baiting," I've met many marrieds who are the same way -- in the church, as that's the place I've spent the most time in besides work. This is just my experience, and I know you are speaking from yours, but marrieds see singles (at least single women) as convenient candidates for childcare, chores, moving, or other kinds of help, but see them as having little value besides how we can help the married people.
Is the church having a married retreat or classes for enriching your marriage? Well then naturally, all the single women should either volunteer or be volunteered as free child care. How often do the marrieds in return, do free labor for the singles? I was just telling a friend last week, if I were ever in a situation like this again, I would say that I'll only babysit for other singles, because singles are so often overlooked.
Many of the married women I have been around talk about nothing but their own situations (never asking about mine) because they are dying for someone to talk/vent/complain to about everything they have going on in their married lives. And I've seen many a married person, whether man or woman, perk up and act very differently when speaking to a pretty/handsome person of the opposite sex.
The married people I treasure most are those who actually take the time to sincerely recognize and care about the fact that single people have lives and problems, too.
And yes, as a single girl, I do work hard to try to keep up with fitness, because I don't want to lose my mobility or be in debt more than I could ever pay because of medical bills I might have been able to prevent. And then what happens? Single women get hit on by married men who complain their wives have "let themselves go," then blame it on the single woman for "tempting" him. Now of course, in this kind of situation, there is a possibility that BOTH people could be at fault. But as a single woman, I avoid talking to married men unless they are with their wives or in a group.
We are not all flirty hussies who are trying to land dates and attention at every turn. In fact, the reason I hang out with some of the single people here from CC is because they are NOT like this in any way.
As for paying down debt, yes indeed. Before my ex-husband left, he spent every penny before it was ever in his hands, then opened up credit cards in secret while racking up even more. The one gift he left me by leaving for someone else is that he took his debts with him. With God's blessing, I'm hoping to completely retire in my 50's and be free to choose whatever I want to spend my time on -- ministry, travel, whatever, all while being budget-conscious. If that's so terrible, I'd hate to think of what you would consider REALLY bad.
I never wanted to be single. I thought I'd be a married forever housewife like the other women in my family. But that's not how my story turned out, and this is what God has been doing with what was left. If He approves, then I'm succeeding, no matter how pitiful anyone else might label it.
One of the reasons I don't have any married friends in the church right now (aside from married friends back home) is because I can't find any who aren't completely focused on themselves and their own lives. I understand this -- they're doing important work, raising families, and carrying on Godly marriages -- but to somehow say that it's all singles who are self-centered is ludicrous.
Most of the singles I know are so giving that one of the major problems they face is how to stand up for themselves and not be constantly used as doormats -- usually by married people. I have several single friends who work full days and then their relatives expect them to watch their kids for the rest of the night.
I've also mentioned this before and I'm sure it won't be the last time.
As an example of how much some (not all) marrieds center their thoughts around themselves and few others -- many marrieds never seem to realize or be able to put themselves into a single's shoes -- because they think it will never happen to them. They figure they have their spouse and somehow believe they will never have to face life as the single people they are so quick to look down upon.
But as I say repeatedly, God does not usually take couples at the same time. I know you've mentioned your wife is, I think, 17 years younger than you are so I realize you probably figure it won't ever happen to you, but most marrieds will be single again at some point in their life.
I just read a story last week about a guy who sought out a woman something like 20+ years younger than him so that he would never be left behind. I don't know what caused it, but she passed away. All his careful planning was for nothing, and now he's living out the nightmare he dreaded all his life, alone in a nursing home, despite thinking he could control his own destiny.
One of my favorite posts I've ever seen here was from a very cool married person who used to out with us years ago. This person went through some unexpected things that led to a separation, and while they apparently got back together, this person wrote that they had learned to never dismiss or write off single people again, because a married person can become one of them in an instant.
I wish more married people could think outside their own wedlocked boxes and recognize this.
Will they expect the single community to welcome them with open arms when their turn comes, despite having looked down on singles with such disdain?
For almost have of married people (not counting those who might actually be taken home at the same time,) that day will inevitably come.
If it does come to pass that you never have to face this, how would you want your wife to be seen and treated by the single community?
Please do us a favor. Make copies of these posts and put the in your will, and insist that your wife read this again when it's her time. I want to know how she feels about singles if or when she faces this, because she will then be one of us.
I mean really! You could give lanolin a run for her money. She makes assumptions about everybody in the USA based on what she has seen on friends. You make assumptions about the majority of single people based on what... A couple of annoying single people you know?
You owe an apology to almost all the single people I know.
Holy crap... I and almost all the single people I know are already married and we didn't know it!
Seriously. I don't do any of the things on your list of things single people do, and I already do all the things on your list of what married people do... RIGHT DOWN TO THE BAKING!
And I'm not in the minority. Most of the single people I know are like me. Well, except for the baking part.
I mean any large group will have one or two people like what you describe. The rest of us just do our best to ignore them. Eventually they get bored and wander off the bug some other group. But that's maybe 3% of the single people I know, not the majority. They are certainly not enough to consider us normal people as the exception.
Why do you think that is the norm for single people though? Is it your way of feeling superior to singles? I have noticed you try very hard to imply you are superior to singles because you are married. Is this one of your methods?
Nope....not at all.
She asked what I saw, heard, and felt when I walked in that classroom....
Not EVERY single person is this way. But that particular group was....and it was reminding me of another one I had attended at a different church.
And I DIDN'T WANT TO BE THAT WAY. I don't knock singles for being that way....not at all. But it just hit me in the face and I was extremely bitter at that time.
I've since mellowed.
Some people prefer to be married and some people do not. You don't prefer to be married. And hang out with "birds of a feather". Which is absolutely fine, all well and good.
But these classes were of single people who didn't want to be single. And it makes a difference. I'm sorry if I wasn't clear on that. We are friends Lynx.
...I don't think less of people who prefer single life...so long as they are consistent with actions and words. (Which a few here are)
But there's a LOT of single people who "sour grapes" the whole romantic relationship and marriage life. But they still truly want one. (And their actions tell the truth)
I was thinking that I wasn't any good at marriage and was trying to adjust my head to be a contented bachelor....but then I met my current wife. She was insistent that I despell those thoughts.
Backpedaling. Always backpedaling, every time somebody calls you on this crap.
But you can't erase what you said, at least not without a moderator's assistance. And you still owe almost every single person I know an apology. 93% of them, minimum.
Charli, may God bless you for having such an awesome sense of humor even in the face of staggering insults, lol.
Very glad you're here.
It is hard to know how married friends are doing, but I respect their privacy. All I want is their happiness and that they are not suffering, etc. Especially as I get older, I realize the commitment and sacrifices, etc. that marriages entail. It is not dating (younger people may view marriage as an extension of dating, maybe with some kids thrown in).
My two close married friends, who are around my age and Christian, have told me in very broad manner that marriage can be difficult. One is pushing me towards marriage but another says it is fine to be single.
My two close married friends, who are around my age and Christian, have told me in very broad manner that marriage can be difficult. One is pushing me towards marriage but another says it is fine to be single.
Hi Kaylz!
Welcome to CC, and your post is definitely relatable Ms. Mediator had a great answer regarding friendships and expectations.
Hollywood seems to market friendships in the same way as it does couples -- women like in Sex in the City having glamorous luncheons, get-together, vacations, and shopping trips together. I've never had that (not that I'm complaining -- I'm very thankful for the friendships I do have.)
But as with anything else in life, what we see portrayed before us is a lot different than what we find in reality. Even in church presentations, they'll have video clips of big group hugs and people clasping hands while praying together as if they're kindred spiritual best friends -- but like Ms. Mediator said, what usually happens is that after the class, meeting, retreat, etc. is over, everyone scatters, goes their own separate ways, and never speaks again.
I honestly don't have any answers for this and it sounds like something almost every struggles with. I've even heard of BFF apps where people can basically search and swipe left or right in order to try to find a "best friend." I know it's been said over and over again, but it's amazing how much we are connected (talking to people on the other side of the world,) and yet all so desperately lonely.
I wouldn't have any friends either except for 3 I keep in touch with from my hometown, and since I'm not on Facebook, we only talk/text/catch up a couple times a year.
Then there is the group of singles I met here (about 6 of us) who I talk to almost daily via the magic of the interwebs, but other than that, I haven't managed to make any new friends in a long time. Usually, it's all situation-based, such as a new work location, class, participation group, etc. -- but as soon as those things end, so does the connection with the people.
All I know to do is to pray and keep trying.
But in all honesty, my life has become busier and more engulfed in the needs of my family over the years, so maybe God was preparing me for this and that's one of the reasons why.
Please keep us posted on how it's going!
The way I made friends here was by reading regular posts from regular posters, and once in a blue moon, a communication would go from there. Even then, there were lots of "false starts" (exchanges that stopped or faded away,) but I'm thankful that God provided great friendships through a few people.
Best wishes to you!
To say that singles are the ones who always talking and thinking about themselves, while married people are always thinking about others, without realizing that they themselves have a 50/50 chance of being single themselves someday is either irony, denial, ignorance, or a combination of the 3.
I'm getting to the point where I have a hard time taking what any married person says about singles seriously unless they flat-out recognize and acknowledge this undeniable fact of life -- that they too have a chance that they will be single, no matter how married they think they are.
And yes, if they're thinking only about others and not themselves, one of their primary thoughts in marriage should be, "How will my spouse and children be taken care if I die first?" and preparing them for that, or, "How will I adjust if my spouse dies first? How will I take care of myself and our children?" (if applicable,) and again, making proper preparations.
To me, someone who makes such sweeping negative statements about singles firmly believes they will never face being single.
And even if they don't, they should at least be concerned about how their spouse will view, will be viewed by, and be able to survive within the single community, because that's what their place will be when the other person dies.
As I've said many times and will say again, some of the women who patted me on the head and told me I was just a baby when I was 25 and my husband walked out the door are now either divorced or widowed and very single themselves.
And they are now shunned by their married friends, because the women are all afraid of them somehow stealing their husbands, and they find themselves very, very alone, unless they want to be part of the single community.
What goes around, comes around, indeed.
This comment singled out for the purpose of highlighting. Quite an interesting observation there.
Hurt and disappointed by people yes. I've learned the hard way not to have expectations on anyone. With that being said it's hard when you stick out your neck for that person and they are not there for you when you need them the most. Because of those experiences I'm so jaded lol and keep my female friendships at a distance. I agree as you get older for sure having a close knit group of friends is so much more important. The Lord talks about community in so many examples, having people in your life like this strengthens your walk. Iron sharpens iron.
Same, if im making the effort continuously then I start to wonder and frankly if they are talking eeons to respond then and not following through with things then I'm out.
Anyone who cuts down another group does so because they firmly believe they are better than that group, and, ironically, somehow think they themselves are invincible to ever being knocked down to what they see as an inferior place.
In contrast, I would bet some of the married people who have hung out with us singles in the forum over the years are sometimes doing so because of the loneliness they may be suffering in their own marriages, and knowing they aren't far off from feeling as if they're living as a single due to rough times even when married.
Not all, of course, but some.
These kinds of marrieds are at least humble and vulnerable enough to realize that one day, their lives could be the same as ours.
I can appreciate that and would expect for things to change once married of course. The order of your priorities should change, biblically so and I understand that wholeheartedly.I have a dear friend that I've known for years and we used to would have considered each other best friends. I cried when I found out she was courting, when she told me she was engaged, and then at her wedding.Naturally we aren't as close anymore, she lives hundreds of miles away and is busy with her life. I miss our old camaraderie, and sad about the fact I haven't even seen either of her two children yet!!
But as my friends that are closer to my age have gotten married and started families and therefore we can't have the same relationship we've had before, I've found I have new friendships with younger girls, teenagers even, that are SO meaningful and I appreciate them so much!
And it can really be fun in a new way to hang out with married friends too, if they get a good catch lol. Then sometimes their children can be almost like nieces and nephews.