Trouble with friends

[Kaylz]

I haven't had the greatest track record with Christian women as friends. I had a few that were close friends of mine in different stages of my life that ended because of men being involved in their lives.
My experience is that when they start dating a man, and this may not be exclusive to Christian women but it seems as though their friendships fall behind, whereas for men this doesn't happen as often.
I think it's hard to maintain a friendship when only one party is making a concerted effort, and when that is the case I move forward.

Has anyone had this experience, how did you handle it?

 

[CharliRenee]

Great post...

I definitely have experienced this. I know some of it is going to naturally happen, especially in a new relationship. All fluttering and full of newness can kinda consume a person. And partners become best friends and that is good.

I have experienced this on both ends, been consumed in a relationship, and the other way around. Usually though, it settles and friendships start to flourish again. Maybe you could gently tell your newly partnered friend or friends that you miss her or them and try and schedule a day and time to get together. Maybe have several good friends, a circle if you will, so when one gets busy, you can catch up with another. After all, friendships are like everthing else, they go and grow through different seasons.

I now have a small circle of pretty close friends. It takes awhile to find and cultivate a tribe, but we all need eachother in different ways at different times.

It sounds like you have been hurt a time or two, and for that I am so sorry. Huge bummer, when you have to wonder if you didn't maintain the friendships would it wither?

 

[MsMediator]

I am actually researching this topic and on the lookout for books which discuss this topic, and on how to approach friendships and temper expectations. Sometimes I watch shows or movies which show a great group of girlfriends. I really like the movie Bridesmaids and I had a similar group like that in my early to mid-20s. That movie does touch on jealousy among friends (particularly on dynamics of a friendship, when other members bond and you feel left out, or vice versa); I think that is actually one of the major reasons why some of my early adult friendships did not work out. It's so bizarre because these are not romantic relationships and you never expect it to happen until it hits you in the face. Over the years I have also lost friends (or reduced contact) due to other reasons such as politics (lost a few over the 2016 election) or people moving on to a different stage in life (getting married, moving away, etc.). There are some people who only respond if I initiate - I wonder if I should even bother sometimes. I have been in a few Bible studies in my life where we revealed private details - none of us keep in touch.

 

[Lynx]

Me
I'm a part of your circle of friends
And we
Notice you don't come around
And me
I think it all depends
On you
Touching ground with us

- Edie Brickell

 

[Lynx]

Howdy Kaylz and welcome to the forum.

Friendships come and friendships go. What can we say? Enjoy them while they are there, but don't try to make them stay. Move on to the next part of life.

 

[JohnDB]

Married people hang around other Married people on a more limited basis than singles do. And for whatever reason they tend to shy away from singles. I don't think it's because of a fear of spouse stealing. But moreso because of a change in thought processes. The "I" becomes a "we" and your outlook on things change when you get married.

I remember walking into a singles SS class after getting divorced and listening to the banter between them and thinking that I seriously don't want to return or turn into these people.

Then theres the whole procreation thing....

Children are the evil little pests that spoil all the fun in life. They may look cute and all that....but they seriously impinge upon adults having fun.
(Just a joke). I actually host gingerbread house decorating parties for children every year....it's a lot of fun for everyone.
Frosting, candy, cookies....it's serious fun for children. The adults get a gourmet dinner while the children are occupied.

 

[Lynx]

I remember walking into a singles SS class after getting divorced and listening to the banter between them and thinking that I seriously don't want to return or turn into these people.

Uh... Not certain how you meant that, but it sure sounds elitist.

(And don't get me started on the talk I have to endure from married women on the job. They seem to forget I'm there and they discuss their husbands' performance in the bedroom, all the blow-by-blow of child birth, menstrual cycles...)

Then theres the whole procreation thing....

"Uncle Joey, why do Uncle Jesse and his wife go to bed so early?"

"They're... Uh... They're doing their taxes sweetie."

"Will they be doing their taxes EVERY night?"

"Well yeah, for the first six months or so."

 

[2ndTimeIsTheCharm]

I remember walking into a singles SS class after getting divorced and listening to the banter between them and thinking that I seriously don't want to return or turn into these people.

I've only ever been single so I honestly don't know the difference. How do married people think? What was it about the banter you heard from singles in that class that you didn't like?

❧

 

[2ndTimeIsTheCharm]

I haven't had the greatest track record with Christian women as friends. I had a few that were close friends of mine in different stages of my life that ended because of men being involved in their lives.
My experience is that when they start dating a man, and this may not be exclusive to Christian women but it seems as though their friendships fall behind, whereas for men this doesn't happen as often.
I think it's hard to maintain a friendship when only one party is making a concerted effort, and when that is the case I move forward.

Has anyone had this experience, how did you handle it?

When I was 15, my best friend got her first boyfriend and they started hanging out together all the time and I didn't get to see her often. When I did, her boyfriend was always there. It did upset me for bit but I got over it over time. @CharliRenee is correct. You'll have other friends and your own boyfriend and things to do (hobbies) that will fill the time you used to have with your friend.

I think your friend will appreciate if you keep in touch with her though. Just don't expect to see her everyday or as often as you used to.

❧

 

[Lanolin]

I havent really experienced this maybe because I am at a different stage of life..most of the christian women friends I have might already have husbands and like the chance to be away from them for a while lol

If I think back to my 20s when my girlfriends started dating etc yes they spent time with their dates but inevitably when they came a cropper from them if the friendship was strong the boys/men would fall way and you'd still have the friendship even after they break up.

I think if you are in something like a womens bible study or a group/circle of girls/ladies who support each other through thick or thin that is something you need to make time for and commit yourself to a bit. So that you dont just have ONE friend all the time, you have many you can call on.

I find 'besties' or BFFs can be a little possessive and I never really think of my friends one being my best and the rest all second best. I know the ones who have my back or the ones whove been there for me the longest but that doesnt mean I cannot make new friends.

 

[Fillan]

John 13: 34 “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another"

The love of believers for one another is a world away from the world's idea of 'friends'. Seek out God's people, you will find love there. Walk with the sheep, shy away from the goats. God Bless You

 

[Lanolin]

Theres also Quakers who call themselves friends.
Ive found them to be....friendly.

 

[JohnDB]

I've only ever been single so I honestly don't know the difference. How do married people think? What was it about the banter you heard from singles in that class that you didn't like?

❧

Well, singles are consistently slightly flirty but never anything overt....always baiting for the "ego stroke".
Then there's the non-stop "resume building" for a prospective spouse. Guys doing "manly things" (except admitting to video games) and girls trying to improve their figure, appearance and reduce debts.

Married people don't do any of this. We tend to think "we" all of the time. We don't care about self improvement....really! We don't want more college degrees or reduced debt or increased savings. We are usually generous with compliments because it's a habit. We aren't constantly signaling "available " with somewhat flirty comments or manipulating for ego strokes. We look for activities that aren't so gender specific. We definitely have a high value on a good dinner and conversation. How trite is it for married guys to excell at barbecue(or cooking in general), care about lawn maintenance or shrubbery?
Married guys (the good ones) are all knowledgeable and involved about their children and know a lot about their discipline and achievements.

Where singles are ever ready to talk about themselves, married people talk about everyone and everything else except for themselves because their focused mindset is always outside of themselves.
I knew a single woman that had a huge strawberry across her face and neck and arms. But she was always pleasant and was the queen of bunt cakes...always concerned about feeding us during class. Out of everyone else in the singles class she was the first to get married. And she was up against three different "barbie" type women with impeccable dress, makeup, pedigrees and resumes. (I myself have never been interested in the cooking sort...I am a four star (French Mobile) five diamond class of chef . I can cook very well for two or two thousand. I personally have been a fan of the "smart girls" . (And it doesn't necessarily work out for me) So none of the barbies were to my taste.

But at any rate that should give you a starting point to begin noticing the differences.

 

[Lanolin]

Barbie means barbecue in Australia, so you might want to use another name to refer to women there, like Sheila or Kylie.

 

[Lanolin]

In NZ, not everyone can be Rachel Hunter, though her sister is just as good looking as she is, but chose not to be a model.

We know the type...Suzy Cato and Petra Bagust could have been on NZ next top model. But they are too nice, they arent fierce like models in the US.

Remember the 90s when evryone aspired to be a supermodel? You could make money by just getting out of bed. If your face was your fortune, you needed to sign with the Ford modelling agency straight away.

 

[HopeinHim98]

I haven't had the greatest track record with Christian women as friends. I had a few that were close friends of mine in different stages of my life that ended because of men being involved in their lives.
My experience is that when they start dating a man, and this may not be exclusive to Christian women but it seems as though their friendships fall behind, whereas for men this doesn't happen as often.
I think it's hard to maintain a friendship when only one party is making a concerted effort, and when that is the case I move forward.

Has anyone had this experience, how did you handle it?

I have a dear friend that I've known for years and we used to would have considered each other best friends. I cried when I found out she was courting, when she told me she was engaged, and then at her wedding. Naturally we aren't as close anymore, she lives hundreds of miles away and is busy with her life. I miss our old camaraderie, and sad about the fact I haven't even seen either of her two children yet!!

But as my friends that are closer to my age have gotten married and started families and therefore we can't have the same relationship we've had before, I've found I have new friendships with younger girls, teenagers even, that are SO meaningful and I appreciate them so much!

And it can really be fun in a new way to hang out with married friends too, if they get a good catch lol. Then sometimes their children can be almost like nieces and nephews.

 

[Lanolin]

The friends that were real close to you when young may catch up with you when older, yes inevitably life gets in the way, but you just need to be open to new friendships.

I try not to be too clingy and shy away from those who claim I am their ONLY friend. That can be kind of possessive and unhealthy. I dont think its great to be jealous of a boyfriend as that friend chooses to be with him after all, if you dont like him or you think hes not good for her of course you can say, but accept that you really want the best for your friend. Dont be the kind of girl who insists on being married to her best friend!

 

[CharliRenee]

Well, singles are consistently slightly flirty but never anything overt....always baiting for the "ego stroke".
Then there's the non-stop "resume building" for a prospective spouse. Guys doing "manly things" (except admitting to video games) and girls trying to improve their figure, appearance and reduce debts.

Married people don't do any of this. We tend to think "we" all of the time. We don't care about self improvement....really! We don't want more college degrees or reduced debt or increased savings. We are usually generous with compliments because it's a habit. We aren't constantly signaling "available " with somewhat flirty comments or manipulating for ego strokes. We look for activities that aren't so gender specific. We definitely have a high value on a good dinner and conversation. How trite is it for married guys to excell at barbecue(or cooking in general), care about lawn maintenance or shrubbery?
Married guys (the good ones) are all knowledgeable and involved about their children and know a lot about their discipline and achievements.

Where singles are ever ready to talk about themselves, married people talk about everyone and everything else except for themselves because their focused mindset is always outside of themselves.
I knew a single woman that had a huge strawberry across her face and neck and arms. But she was always pleasant and was the queen of bunt cakes...always concerned about feeding us during class. Out of everyone else in the singles class she was the first to get married. And she was up against three different "barbie" type women with impeccable dress, makeup, pedigrees and resumes. (I myself have never been interested in the cooking sort...I am a four star (French Mobile) five diamond class of chef . I can cook very well for two or two thousand. I personally have been a fan of the "smart girls" . (And it doesn't necessarily work out for me) So none of the barbies were to my taste.

But at any rate that should give you a starting point to begin noticing the differences.

Omy goodness did you have to pay extra for that oh so broad brush, lol

 

[JohnDB]

Omy goodness did you have to pay extra for that oh so broad brush, lol

I did...kinda...but they had a coupon in the mail so I used that....all at the same time they were running a sale on paint brushes. So together between the sale and the coupon it didn't cost me anything extra at the time.

Of course there are exceptions to the rule....not everyone is so cookie cutter. And there are plenty of fish in the sea.

 

[HopeinHim98]

The friends that were real close to you when young may catch up with you when older, yes inevitably life gets in the way, but you just need to be open to new friendships.

I try not to be too clingy and shy away from those who claim I am their ONLY friend. That can be kind of possessive and unhealthy. I dont think its great to be jealous of a boyfriend as that friend chooses to be with him after all, if you dont like him or you think hes not good for her of course you can say, but accept that you really want the best for your friend. Dont be the kind of girl who insists on being married to her best friend!

Yeah with the friend I mentioned above I didn't think her boyfriend was good enough for her, and I told her pretty much how I felt. But when I got to know him better I approved and told her so! Lol. Not that it made or broke their relationship any but I think she was glad that I ended up liking him after all. I spent almost a month with them when they were expecting their first and I'm so grateful for that time we had.