When You Encounter a Ghost Online, Do You Confront Him or Her, or Just Let Them Float By?

Hey Everyone,

Once Upon a Time when the forum was very active, we used to have a regular flow of people who would disappear and come back under different names. I'm sure we still have this happen all the time, and I certainly understand the reasons why, but back then it was much more obvious because people were posting frequently, and sometimes it's hard to hide who you are -- even if it's from behind a screen.

Sometimes the regulars would openly confront the most obvious cases, most often when it was someone who had been banned and was trying to come back.

But what about the cases in which you recognize someone you used to talk to online, whether romantically or just as a friendship, then they "ghost" you (disappear,) but come back under a different name -- and you are pretty sure you recognize it's them?

Way back in my early days of forums (you know, when we were still chiseling messages on stone tablets ,) I was brand-new to the scene and hadn't found a username that really felt like "me," so I experimented with maybe 3 or 4 names. But even then, it was always a dead giveaway because I almost always used "Seoul" as part of my name, and so I resigned myself to the fact that my online name, unless something dire happened (such as stalking,) would pretty much always stay the same.

Over the years, we've seen tons of users come and go under various names, and while I certainly don't recognize all the ones who come back, every now and then, I notice a "new" name that has an awful lot in common with a "former" member. For instance, family, work, and life situations are ringing familiar and would be difficult to keep track of if someone was trying to present a new background for each new name.

Now I'm trying to remember... I don't think I've ever confronted someone unless I was concerned about their welfare under their old name and just wanted to ask if they were ok. But otherwise, unless they bring up their old name (or if it's a formerly banned user,) I figure they've done it for a reason and want to remain anonymous (or only associated with a new identity.)

Like most people, sometimes I may have grown attached to the person but if they don't contact me under their new name to specifically tell me it's them, I figure it must be for a reason and they've moved on. Though I've made some great friends here, there have also been hundreds of other times when there was casual or friendly conversation that faded away naturally as life went its separate ways, which is completely understandable. But that doesn't stop us from being human, and I'll be the first to admit that sometimes it hurts.

What about the rest of you?

* Have you had time when someone ghosted you, but you see them back under a new name?

* Do you choose to confront them, or not say anything and let them pass by?

* What circumstances would lead you to saying something to them, or choosing not to say anything at all?

I personally believe that the internet and social media are like anything else in life -- they are tools that have their own pro's and con's.

And the ability to disappear without a moment's notice, and then "reappear" as a "new" member with a fresh slate, could be see as both a pro and a con, depending on which side of the screen you are on.

How do you react when you run into someone you once knew, and they choose not to acknowledge you under their new identity?

What do I do when I see a ghost online? Depends whether I have something to say to it. Or about it, to others, to warn them. Ah Kauko, how we miss you and your antics...

But yeah, usually I don't notice. I often talk to new people as though they were new, and only much later find out they were ghosts of former chatters and I never noticed.

I don't really care though. I do in the forum as I used to do in chat rooms. If you come in at somebody new, I talk to you as though you are somebody new. I don't really care enough to dig out their identities.

huh never did that myself was always Lanolin on here
miraculously never been banned except on the Banned Game...

On another forum I know one person who did that but he had schizophrenia so already had mulitple alter egos/personalities.

Nobodys ghosted me on here I dont think. Ignored yes, but not ghosted and I dont think I have the ability to make myself or anyone else invisible.

In real life I have come across people who dont talk to me anymore that I hadnt recognised but usually its a friendly encounter, or I may catch a vibe that they dont want to be suddenly recongnised so yes there has been the awkward thing of where I will just go about my own business and pretend I didnt see them lol. This is because then there would be the big catch up gossip fest and explanations which I think is awkward for both parties...

Otherwise its like when you recognise Tom Hanks in a movie and hes playing a different character..or Meryl Streep. You dont want let on you know its Meryl Streep pretending to be someone else...AGAIN

Jesus had this after his resurrection when Mary thought he was the gardener and asked where Jesus body was.

When I encounter a ghost on-line I hit the delete button.
It's not like that would surprise them or anything.

I haven't called yet, but the number is 555-2368, to have the ghostbusters eliminate the ghost problem.

I have not had this situation where someone ghosted me here. I did start an account here awhile ago and communicated with several people under a different username, but communication became less frequent and faded. Thus, I did not inform anyone when I got a new account with a different username. Like many for their own reasons, I wanted to disassociate myself from that account and start a new one. With the new username, I also found out after I deleted the old account that I no longer have messaging capability without subscription, so it was logistically not possible to inform anyone.

When I did have Facebook, I knew several people who had multiple accounts and I was not a "friend" under their new/different accounts. I just assumed they wanted to keep different "lives" with the different accounts. I thought about doing the same, since people from work and church and others less close to me added me, and I wanted to keep Facebook more personal. However, in the end, I deactivated Facebook and eventually deleted it.

Approximately 10 years ago, I was a member of another Christian forum. There was a guy there who got banned something like 10 times in a 30-day span under different usernames or accounts. Early on, during one of his “incarnations”, I basically mocked him publicly. When I did, another forum member loved my post and commented that it was the “FUNNIEST POST EVER!!!”. The problem was that God didn’t see it that way. I came under such Holy Ghost conviction that I not only publicly apologized, but also made a public plea to all of the other forum members there who were similarly mocking him to please stop and to pray for him instead. The mocking continued, and he was banned again and again. God only knows what happened to him afterwards in his actual life offline after his final ban. Unfortunately, approximately 10 years later, I still haven’t fully learned my lesson because I posted something idiotic here just a couple of days ago for which I later had to publicly apologize after coming under heavy Holy Ghost conviction once again.

I must admit that I was a bit troubled in spirit by your use of the word “confront”. It made me feel uneasy, so I looked it up in several different dictionaries. The definitions always were somehow linked to hostility or anger. Maybe you meant it in a different way, so I’m not trying to put words in your mouth, but words do matter, and we need to be careful how we use them.

Here’s a verse that came to my mind:

James 4:12
There is one lawgiver, who is able to save and to destroy: who art thou that judgest another?

As lanolin said, Jesus hid his identity from Mary at first. He also hid his identity from the two men that he walked with on the road to Emmaus. Were his intentions evil?

My take is that we generally neither know peoples’ intentions nor have we generally been called to be ghostbusters, but rather to do whatever we can to help encourage others in their walks with the Lord or to hopefully lead them to the Lord if they’re not saved. Unless the individual posed some real threat to either themselves or others, I’d just leave them be or try to help them.

Reminds me of the lyrics to a song from Shadows fall

The ghosts of past failures

Facing the reality
Of our own imperfections

The waves crash without warning
Overwhelmed and short of breath
Never able to escape
The bloodstains upon your hands

I AM! Still bleeding you
From wounds you've never known
I AM! Still bleeding you
From wounds you've never known

The core of our being
Torn out and cast aside

I never looked this far away
Never saw what lies ahead
In the midst of false comfort
The scars were hidden but never healed

Meryl Streep - we meet again!

I wonder what would happen if I changed my username to MeowMeow and if anyone would notice.

when women get married they often change their surname to their husbands and become Mrs whatever. are they still the same person or do you think they've changed? Ive noticed no men do this....

Thank you for bringing up the point that a person might have had private messaging privileges under the old name, but not the new one, and might not want or be able to pay for them again. I hadn't thought of that, and it's an extremely valid reason.

Hi @notonmywatch

You said that you were "troubled" at my use of the word "confront."

I chose "confront" as a blanket term for a whole host of situations. The most common context I see written about when it comes to ghosting is when people are building friendships, and most especially romantic connections. I've heard dozens of stories in which someone really liked another person and maybe there was even an exchange of romantic endeavors ("I love you and can't wait to meet you in person,") and all of a sudden, the person disappears without a word.

Worse yet, this other person is then noticed to be online whether as the known name or a new one that is seeking out further romantic possibilities.

So I chose "confront" in this context because I am most familiar with ghosting in a negative context. I was also thinking of the situation you mentioned in which a user is causing trouble, gets banned, then comes back under a new name to stir up the same arguments all over again. The word "confront" most definitely fits here, and as you pointed out, might be a necessity. The way it's carried out is also important, and I appreciate that you are so sensitive to the Holy Spirit's prompts.

In a gentler context, and this is the one I'm most personally familiar with, you might think you have an online friendship with someone and they disappear, come back under a new name, and choose not to contact you under that new name. There might very well be a perfectly good reason, or perhaps the friendship just died off naturally.

But even in this situaion, I've had moments where I have thought about writing them and saying, "Hey, I couldn't help but notice that you sound a like (former user.) I hope I'm not out of line and that I'm not offending you at all -- feel free to not answer if you don't want to, but I just wanted to see if you were ok. I really enjoyed talking to you and if you'd like would be interested in continuing, but if not, I completely understand."

There's probably a different word that could be used for this other than "confront", but it's still confronting the person, and when pondering the various possible scenarios that inspired this thread, it just seemed like an applicable generic description.

Thanks for expressing your concern.

This was beautiful. I have a penchant for haunting lyrics and verses, and this describes many situations in my own life perfectly.

Thanks so much for taking the time to post!

I'm sorry. I never meant to imply that you did something wrong. When I said that I was "troubled", I was, and much to my own surprise because I knew exactly what you meant. I've used the word "confront" for my entire life in just the same manner that you did in your post. I felt prompted by the Lord to look up the word in a few different online dictionaries, and I was stunned to see that it meant things like "meet (someone) face to face with hostile or argumentative intent". Then I looked online for synonyms of the word "confront", and I became even more surprised to see words like "challenge", "square up to", "resist", "tackle", and "attack" appear. I was like "When did 'confront' become a contact sport?" Anyway, it wasn't you that troubled me, but the word itself. I didn't do a good job of conveying that earlier, and I'm sorry for that. I'm thinking that (Dare I say it?) I might need to hire a "ghost" writer in the future. Maybe the word "address" would be a better fit?

As I thought about your post during the day, my mind became flooded with a bunch of examples of people in the Bible who hid their identities for different reasons and the outcomes of the same. I'll mention just three of them for everyone's consideration as to why someone might choose to go that route, and so that we all might also ponder what might have turned out differently if someone had exposed them before the proper time.

The first example involves Judah and his daughter-in-law Tamar. Judah's two oldest sons had already been given as husbands to Tamar, and both had died. Judah withheld giving his third and youngest son to Tamar because he didn't want him to possibly die as his brothers had before him. Tamar disguised herself as a harlot, and Judah went in to lie with her.

Genesis 38
13And it was told Tamar, saying, Behold thy father in law goeth up to Timnath to shear his sheep. 14And she put her widow's garments off from her, and covered her with a vail, and wrapped herself, and sat in an open place, which is by the way to Timnath; for she saw that Shelah was grown, and she was not given unto him to wife. 15When Judah saw her, he thought her to be an harlot; because she had covered her face.

She became pregnant with Judah's child, and she gave birth to twins named Pharez and Zarah. Here, we have an example of someone deliberately hiding her identity, and she did it because she felt that she had been wrongly slighted by her father-in-law. The Lord seemed to be in agreement with her because, in Jesus' genealogies in Matthew 1:3 and Luke 3:33, we see that he actually descended from Pharez who had been born of Judah and Tamar through Tamar's deceptive disguise. With this in mind, I'd like to ask a hypothetical question:

What might have happened if someone had "outed" Tamar before Judah went in to her?

I can't imagine that God would have allowed his preordained plan regarding Christ's lineage to be altered, so how might he have intervened if someone had meddled with this seemingly perfectly acceptable, yet very deceptive, ruse?

The next example involves the story of Joseph and his brothers. I'm pretty sure that everyone knows the account. Joseph had a dream that he was going to rule over his brothers, and his brothers sold him into slavery. Through a series of events, Joseph got promoted to second in command in Egypt before a major famine hit for seven years. Having been forewarned of the same via Pharaoh's dream, Joseph stored up grain, and his brothers wound up coming to him to purchase food. Joseph deliberately hid his identity from his brothers at first.

Genesis 42
6And Joseph was the governor over the land, and he it was that sold to all the people of the land: and Joseph's brethren came, and bowed down themselves before him with their faces to the earth. 7And Joseph saw his brethren, and he knew them, but made himself strange unto them, and spake roughly unto them; and he said unto them, Whence come ye? And they said, From the land of Canaan to buy food. 8And Joseph knew his brethren, but they knew not him.

Later, he revealed to them who he truly was after God's purposes had been fulfilled concerning him, his father, and his brethren. Here's another hypothetical question:

What might have happened if someone had "outed" Joseph to his brothers before God's appointed time? I say God's appointed time because of this:

Genesis 50
15And when Joseph's brethren saw that their father was dead, they said, Joseph will peradventure hate us, and will certainly requite us all the evil which we did unto him. 16And they sent a messenger unto Joseph, saying, Thy father did command before he died, saying, 17So shall ye say unto Joseph, Forgive, I pray thee now, the trespass of thy brethren, and their sin; for they did unto thee evil: and now, we pray thee, forgive the trespass of the servants of the God of thy father. And Joseph wept when they spake unto him. 18And his brethren also went and fell down before his face; and they said, Behold, we be thy servants. 19And Joseph said unto them, Fear not: for am I in the place of God? 20But as for you, ye thought evil against me; but God meant it unto good, to bring to pass, as it is this day, to save much people alive. 21Now therefore fear ye not: I will nourish you, and your little ones. And he comforted them, and spake kindly unto them.

Everything that transpired during Joseph's ordeal was meant or intended by God, and he brought it to pass in order to save much people alive. Again, what might have happened if someone, regardless of their intentions, had "outed" Joseph before God's plan unfolded in the manner in which he had foreordained and foreshown in Joseph's and Pharaoh's dreams? I fully believe that we also need to seriously consider this:

Acts 7
13And at the second time Joseph was made known to his brethren; and Joseph's kindred was made known unto Pharaoh.

In many ways, Joseph's life foreshadowed future events in Christ's life, and I fully believe that the bold-faced part is one of them. In other words, it won't be until "the second time" that Christ appears that many of his brethren will recognize him. If this is true, then what might have happened if someone had sought to "out" Joseph the first time his brothers beheld him in Egypt? How might God have had to intervene? I wouldn't want to be the one to have to find out the answer to that question because I meddled where I shouldn't have.

My third example involves King Saul and the medium at Endor.

1 Samuel 28
7Then said Saul unto his servants, Seek me a woman that hath a familiar spirit, that I may go to her, and inquire of her. And his servants said to him, Behold, there is a woman that hath a familiar spirit at Endor. 8And Saul disguised himself, and put on other raiment, and he went, and two men with him, and they came to the woman by night: and he said, I pray thee, divine unto me by the familiar spirit, and bring me him up, whom I shall name unto thee. 9And the woman said unto him, Behold, thou knowest what Saul hath done, how he hath cut off those that have familiar spirits, and the wizards, out of the land: wherefore then layest thou a snare for my life, to cause me to die? 10And Saul sware to her by the LORD, saying, As the LORD liveth, there shall no punishment happen to thee for this thing. 11Then said the woman, Whom shall I bring up unto thee? And he said, Bring me up Samuel. 12And when the woman saw Samuel, she cried with a loud voice: and the woman spake to Saul, saying, Why hast thou deceived me? for thou art Saul.

Here, Saul deliberately disguised himself for wicked purposes. He knew that it was forbidden of the LORD to seek those with familiar spirits, but he sought out this medium, nonetheless. I think that we're all familiar how the story ends. Saul winds up dying on the battlefield for his sins against the LORD. In this case, the LORD himself was perfectly capable of exacting justice upon someone how had disguised himself for evil intentions or purposes, and I think that we'd all be wise to learn from this account and the other accounts previously mentioned.

Sometimes, a disguise is part of God's plan, and he is perfectly on board with the same. Other times, a disguise is not a part of God's plan, and God himself can exact vengeance at those times. With these things in mind, and I could easily give several other examples from scripture, I believe that it's normally best for us to mind our own business and let the proverbial chips fall where they may.

Thoughts?

That should have read "upon someone who had disguised himself".

I'm sorry if I've gone in a direction here that you didn't intend to go. We've both spoken about a "deep dive" before or about how we like to delve a bit deeper into topics. I've been itching to put on my scuba gear. Actually, I truly believe that the Lord opened all of this unto me throughout this day. If not for anybody else's consideration, then definitely for my own.

Even though I miss Jack
He will soon be back.

One last apology before I leave this thread. I really am sorry that I posted all that I did here. The Lord truly did take me on a very long journey today. Through the scriptures and through my life, but none of it really pertains to your questions here, even though your post jumpstarted everything this morning. I feel really bad. Especially because this is the singles forum, and none of what I shared applies to that. If I could undo what I posted, then I would, but I cannot. What God showed me must have been something that I alone needed to hear. Sorry.

Hi @notonmywatch,

You have absolutely nothing to apologize for and deep dives are one of the reasons these threads exist.

I'm sorry I haven't answered until now, but for some reason, CC doesn't always notify me of new messages on current threads. I actually just checked the list of threads manually (as I hadn't gotten any notifications) and happened to just now see the replies. I try to write threads on my days off, because I'll have more time to answer people's posts, but that's not always possible. I wish I would have known about these replies earlier in the day when I had more time.

I'm sorry I don't currently have the time to answer everything you wrote, but I understand what you are saying God using disguises, or at least less obvious means. One of the biggest criticisms I've received here in the forums and sometimes in real life is that I don't speak "spiritually" enough or quote enough Scripture to be considered a "real" Christian.

I've stated before that for whatever reason, God sends me a lot of people (co-workers, people online, and even in the church) who were sexually abused, starting as children -- very often by those in ministry or who claimed to be Christians, explaining to their victims that this was "expressing the love of God." It used to be so frequent that I would get a physical pain shooting through my abdomen, and as soon as it happened, I started praying because I knew God was about to send me someone with some gut-wrenching past. I've found that the last thing most people sent to me need or want is a more "in your face" style of evangelism, so my approach is to just let them get it all out, or at least, as much as they are willing to share.

I sometimes don't even talk to them about my own beliefs for a very long time, not until I've gotten to know them, what they've been through, and have gotten a clearer understanding of their experience with religion and religious people -- for the good or bad. I then start asking questions, all while asking the Holy Spirit to help me know what to say.

I've often asked God if this is the wrong approach, and if I should be quoting Scriptures right away, but I believe God reminded me of Esther. Although she and her maids fasted in preparation for her greatest trial, she didn't reveal her nationality or spiritual beliefs to even her husband until a very specific time and for a very specific purpose. I'm certainly not trying to compare myself to Esther, but as you were saying, I do believe that God sometimes "disguise," or directs us to hold back some things for a very specific reason.

And it can have long-term payoffs. It took years, but some of my co-workers eventually allowed me to take their children to church when they had to work on Sundays, because they wanted their kids to start building a foundation of faith.

We all have our different callings and ways of going about them.

You said that what you wrote must have been something that God wanted you alone to hear -- that could be, but I think you brought up several important points. I know it's often said that people share too much online -- and I know I certainly do at times -- but one thing I think the online phenomenon has made glaringly clear is that we all have thoughts we need to share and express, and sometimes this is our best or only outlet for doing so.

Please don't think that anything you have to say is a waste.

I've had many times when I wrote something or even started a thread that hardly anyone read and no one answered, and that's ok. I believe God taught me that sometimes when we write things like this online, the most important audience might in fact be just one person -- even if it's ourselves -- or that what we wrote was for those who never answer.

God knows the sincerity behind what we write, and I believe it's never idle. I've written off (pun intended) many of my own writings as continual practice for the next round.

I hope you won't be discouraged. God bless you and thank you for taking the time to answer!

I've used that same approach many times myself, but it's easier in person than online. Especially if you're a man who is seeking to minister to a woman who is hurting or in need. I believe that there are many hurting people who need to see that we care before they'll be willing to share what's really going on inside of them or in their lives.
I've decided to blame it all on @tourist.

Why?

Because of this:
Had he posted this earlier, then I would have realized that "I don't know Jack!", and I would have kept my big mouth shut.



Only kidding, tourist.

Ha!

Perhaps this is going to be the new Singles Forum motto?

"When In Doubt, Blame It On Tourist."

Heh! Only kidding, @tourist!

Tourist is one of our most endearing members here.

He and JesusLives started out as fellow Singles here, but they've never abandoned us, even when they got married.

well with regards to victims of abuse perhaps they are on a witness protection scheme and have to disguise their identity.

The worst thing you could do is blow their cover.

or course if its too much for you then think of that Friends scenario where they know that we know that they know that we know.

They will tell you when they good and ready oright?