Single-dom and The Holidays... What are Your Memories, Thoughts, and Survival Tips?

Hey Everyone,

For some reason, I am dreading Christmas this year. I don't know why, I just am. The long-timers here know my story in a nutshell -- I had a husband once, who moved out without telling me in the middle of the day while I was at work, then later sent me divorce papers through the mail. He eventually remarried and had a family; I went on a year or two later and was in a relationship with an alcoholic who eventually couldn't care for his kids, so it was a bit like being a single parent during that time. But after that relationship ended, I've been by myself ever since.

My ex-husband left in September, right before the holidays, which used to be my favorite time of year. For me, they have been overshadowed by dark clouds ever since, because for me, the holidays signals the loss of the life I had once dreamed of, and never did go on to find. I'm certainly not trying to say that marriage or having kids is the answer to everything or even that having any of this makes the holidays better. Rather, I'm just saying, this is my own situation and I'm wondering how others in similar circumstances cope.

I often wonder if my ex is having a wonderful time with his new wife and kids, and I have to admit, it fills my heart with sadness.

The best holiday I have ever had since then was when I went to visit a friend in prison on Thanksgiving Day. For whatever reason, my family had to cancel that year, so instead, I drove about 80 minutes to the prison, then went through all the necessary rigamarole for the visit, only to be told by the female guard that she didn't like the subtly sparkly top I was wearing (it was a church outfit for goodness sake.) She felt it would attract too much attention, and that she refused to let me in.

I thereby drove to 3 different gas stations (it was hard enough finding one open on T-Day in the USA,) proceeded to buy a huge 3X, waffled, long-sleeve thermal shirt (I normally wear a size M, but this was all they had) and, determined more than ever, plopped myself right back into the waiting room to go through the whole process all over again. (Have I ever mentioned that I can be a bit headstrong?)

This time, seeing that my new threads made me look like a padded-up football player, the guard let me in, and was kind enough to say, "Thank you for not yelling at me." I told her, "I understand, I work with the public too, and you're just trying to do your job." She thanked me for trying to see things from her perspective. That alone was a big lesson to me about how we can be witnesses in the smallest of ways.

My friend was, of course, shocked to see me. "What in the world are you doing here?!" he said. I answered with a slight mischievous grin while digging into my pockets, "Buying you Thanksgiving dinner." Which consisted of $5-a-piece prison vending machine hot pockets and his favorite grape Fanta soda pop. The prison only allowed you to bring in coin money ($20 max), and this was when they were starting to come out with a unique US quarter for each state, so he was fascinated by all the different quarters I had brought along in my mandated clear Ziploc bag.

And this was something I'll always treasure. This time to just sit, talk honestly with a good friend, and being able to be my authentic self (sad, silly, and somber all at the same time) without having to plaster on a fake smile while being surrounded by all couples at family holiday event. I loved being able to share a part of the outside world with him that he had never seen before.

But the visit also brought things sharply into perspective for me, as it made me realize how much I needed to work harder on gratitude and never taking my family for granted. I was there the entire time during visiting hours, and out of a 300-man block, only about 3 other inmates had visitors that day. My friend told me that without the phone calls, letters, and visits he got from his mom and me, he would have felt completely forgotten and would have "turned into a bitter soul."

(For anyone who's curious, he has been out for several years now and God has helped him immensely. He has a full-time job, runs his own business on the side, and has completely turned his life around.) We have never dated, as that didn't seem to be in the cards (we also live across the country from each other and have complicated lives,) but we often reminisce about those "old times."

I met this friend through a ministry that served inmates, and I told God today that maybe it was time for me to find something else like that again to help fill this empty, gaping whole of loneliness and uselessness that's constantly nagging at my heart. (I stopped doing prison ministry when another young woman in a similar ministry was found, shot, and killed by an escaped inmate, and I believe God told me my time of doing this was over for now.)

But I will be ever grateful for the chance to visit my friend at the prison that Thanksgiving, because it was something I'll never forget and will always carry with me.

What about the rest of you? And for our married friends, feel free to chime in as well. We singles sometimes think that finding a spouse and/or having a family is the answer to our loneliness, but it can be eye-opening to hear what marrieds and those with families are really going through themselves.

* What are the holidays like for you? Joyful, full of eager anticipation, or lonely, hard to get through -- and perhaps a mix of both?

* Do you feel lonely during the holidays? Is there something that makes it better or worse than any other time of the year?

* How do you cope with the feelings you have during these times? What steps do you take, and what actions, Bible passages, etc. help you through?

* What are some of your best, and most challenging, holiday moments?

Thank you for allowing me to share what's been on my heart -- now, I would really like to hear what's been on yours.

I have had to spend some holidays (Thanksgiving and/or Christmas and/or New Year) alone because I live away from family, and because I could not get extended leave at that time. During those times, I did not take leave around the holidays which I think helps (to keep working/stay busy). During the extended weekend, I try to relax, sleep-in, watch Christian movies (at Christmas), cook something I like, chat on the phone, etc.). Sometimes there is a friend available so we may hang out. It can feel slightly lonely but I try to keep myself uplifted. Once work starts, back to the grind.

For me, feelings of loneliness when I feel it isn't tied to holidays. It's not like I feel extra lonely over the holidays. I may feel more lonely on Thanksgiving than other holidays, since other people are generally having big feasts. For Christmas, I view it as personal time with Jesus (I basically have my Christian favorites in the background all weekend). New Year's reminds me that it would be helpful if I had more friends.

I also have not had a great time during the holidays in the past. Growing up, like clockwork, holidays were a bit of a dark time due to multiple reasons including financial reasons (such as paying year-end tax, we were barely living paycheck to paycheck on a monthly basis due to one income), one of my parents also got very moody during the holidays, etc. Compared to those times, I would rather spend the holidays alone. However, after college or so things got better and holidays together became more enjoyable and meaningful.

That story about visiting your friend in prison warmed my heart. I'm sure that he doesn't see you as useless, and neither does God.

God bless you.

Well my family is always looking for an excuse to have a family dinner. Birthdays, holidays, sometimes just a random Sunday afternoon for no real reason... So the last two months of the year are real handy because they have a lot of excuses for family dinners.

The food is always good. The entertainment is even better. I don't talk much at family dinners. I just sit back and listen to them rattle.

that rotten rat ex. Horrible!

I am indignant that someone ever hurt our seoul. He's not worth it honestly. And hes probably got a horrible marriage, you are much better off without him.

Other than that...my holidays I get suffocated by family so thats not fun sometimes. However this year I plan to get away on a road trip after Christmas. So looking forward to it.

My favourite thing about the season is the Christmas carols singing door to door.

Aw, thanks for the words of support, Lanolin. I truly appreciate it.

For years I was filled with anger but now I think it's more sadness than anything else. And the sadness is because God has made me more honest about the things I could have handled so much better than what I did, and my regret is in not being able to go back and fix or redo them.

I get what you're saying about family sometimes getting overwhelming. I love my family but everyone is paired off with kids and I feel very out of place.

I hope you have an awesome road trip. Are you going with friends?

Thank you for sharing your love of Christmas carols - that really made me smile.

Do you prefer having them arrive on your doorstep, or do you go out and sing for other people? 🎶🎵🎼

Thank you very much for the kind words, I appreciate it.

You know how we all go through peaks and valleys in our Christian walk?

I think I'm at a point right now where part of me feels exhausted due to some life circumstances, while part of me feels like I'm collecting dust and somehow need to snap back into action. Hopefully someday...

Thank you so much for taking the time to post. 🌹

To be totally honest, I had more to say, but I was truly a bit choked up, almost to the point of tears, after reading your initial post.

On the one hand or at the one extreme, I was deeply saddened to hear how men have mistreated you, and also by the realization of how long-lasting such hurts can be in the life of the wounded party.

On the other hand or at the other extreme, I was immensely overjoyed to see how your act of kindness towards the inmate not only helped him at that particular point in his life, but still continues on to this day.

Our actions do matter, and that's something that we all need to consider when interacting with others.

As far as holidays are concerned, I spend them all alone. Having been born in the Fall, I gravitated heavily towards Halloween as a child, and I was also a huge fan of Christmas. When I became a Christian, and when I began to study the origins of such holidays, I could no longer partake of the same with a clear conscience before God. Was it tough to find myself isolated from family and past traditions due to my desire to honor God? Yes, it was, and, to a much smaller degree, it still is, but my faith in Christ ultimately sees me through it all.

I just told two co-workers yesterday that I cannot wait until December 26th arrives. When they asked me why, I told them it's because I cannot wait for the non-stop barrage of Christmas songs that are forced upon me daily through piped-in music at work ceases. At least there, all of the Christmas songs are totally secular. Not even a remote mention of God or Jesus in any of them. I truly believe that there is what I call "a Christmas spirit" or a seducing spirit behind these types of songs which is designed to lure people into participating in such a celebration. For me, I have absolutely no desire whatsoever to do so because I don't believe that Jesus was born anywhere remotely close to December 25th, so, again, my faith in God and his word is what ultimately carries me through each and every year.

yea am going with a friend (neighbour) it is a friends gathering

I do both, go door to door though one time the carol singers came round and mum was in bed asleep but heard singing, we do it every year for those who are housebound . Used to to do it at the hospital, go round all the wards singing carols to all the patients and we would hold candles.

I usually dress up in my angel outfit, its good fun

Most all of them would be the traditonal favourites...Away in a Manger, Silent Night, O Holy Night, Hark the Herald Angels Sing, etc.

It seems to me...
That those who are the loneliest or angry or sad during the holidays are those who, for whatever reason, do the least during them.

By that I mean those who don't go out of their way to celebrate these days in a meaningful fashion. They are the ones who suffer from the worst negative emotions and feelings....and conversely those who do go to extra ordinary lengths to celebrate have the best and most happiest holidays.

Peruse the stories above...it is what it is.

Where prison ministries are somewhat dangerous and rule filled...caroling is not so much...even horrible singers can join in.

Now I'm not so much in favor of "Blaming the patient " as doctors and psychologists love to do...and truthfully an invitation does make doing things with others much easier...so does expressing interest and being available.

I usually do lots of holiday baking...which makes my holidays filled with children and adults all desiring holiday treats. Good Lord knows I can't eat all of that.

But I was wanting to hear some caroling this year....such a shame that so few do so anymore.

The day itself? Uggghhhh. It's the day it all ends. Kids busily breaking toys and uncles and aunts being annoying....family often is NOT as good as some people make them out to be. The holiday itself surrounded by family members is often viewed as the punishment phase for having a great holiday. (The other shoe)

But I'm happily married....we have been having our season of blessings as usual with friends. Just a few parties and etc.

But carry on.

Hi Notonmywatch,

I want to thank you for your kindness and for taking the time to read my posts.

I hope I don't sound like a victim when I talk about past relationships. I made my own choices, some of them quite regrettable, and to be very honest, I'm not an easy person to deal with in close proximity. Things will be fine for a while, but I tend to stuff a lot of things down and then it will all build up at once and either implode or explode (sometimes both all at once.) It's funny because we all know there are two sides (or more) to a story and I always say that if my ex had become a member here and people didn't know we once had a connection, I think he would have been very well-liked and had a popular following. And I have to smile because people would probably have even been like, "Oh, that crazy ex-wife of yours, she sounds awful!"

I am so sorry that you spend the holidays alone, but admire your steadfast loyalty to your faith. I know this will sound trivial, but when I hear secular Christmas songs, I often think about them in context to my relationship with God. For instance, "Walking in a Winter Wonderland" makes me think of all the questions I want to ask God about the natural world, such as, what made Him think of snow! "Silver Bells" reminds me of how God is watching over us in our daily lives ("City sidewalks, busy sidewalks...") no matter what's happening (my favorite name for Jesus is "Immanuel" -- God WITH us -- in every aspect of life.) I know it probably seems a bit simple-minded but I find that it helps a little.

I guess for myself, I understand that the world doesn't care about God, but we as Christians, can make everything about God, even when it seems like we are surrounded by nothing but godlessness. I hope that you will find other like-minded Christians to converse with.

God bless you in your earnest walk to find and always be with Him.

I think it also had a lot to do with personalities and how we all deal with things individually and how God builds us.

I don't know if you've ever had severe depression during the holidays, John, but I know others out there will relate to what it feels like to not want to get out of bed or do anything, especially during this time of year. Yes, I know caroling is a lot less dangerous than prison ministry, but to tell you the honest truth, while I think caroling is wonderful for other people, for myself, I would find singing, and singing in public especially, to be a snoozefest that would bore me to tears. And I certainly wouldn't want to inflict my singing on other people! Lol.

Yes, sometimes those of us who are the loneliest or saddest do the least because if you have depression to that degree, it's a real illness and saps the life out of you. It's kind of like someone telling you to just shake it off and run a marathon when you have a broken leg -- and when things get really bad, both legs are broken.

I've always had a very busy mind that is constantly running -- part of why I can't sleep is because I can't shut my brain down, and one great thing about prison ministry was that it kept my mind busy and constantly asking God what I should do or say next. When you have a guy writing you about seeing someone nearly decapitated in front of him on the prison yard as part of his daily life, it really gets your brain running.

But you are someone with a lot of life experience, so I'm sure this might seem like a drop in the bucket to you. There was a time when I was writing to soldiers in the military as well. I am NOT at all trying to compare soldiers to inmates but what they had in common was the heart-wrenching extremes they were going through.

With the inmates, I would listen to stories about stabbings and shootings and trying to survive, and with the soldiers, I would listen to stories of watching friends or comrades die after stepping on hidden explosives.

At some point, God told me, "This is too much -- too much death and destruction, too much for you to handle, and you have to get away from this."

But the thing was, these extremities were the only thing that felt bigger than the pain in my heart, and focusing on someone else's extremes for a while was, for me, a welcome distraction and purpose. Maybe there is something wrong in my wiring -- a relative has suggested before that I probably have ADHD, so I have no idea what effect that has -- and while I'm no thrill-seeker (unless you count roller coasters,) I do find that I have lost interest in most of my old hobbies and have trouble finding new ones.

I tried working in the children's rooms at church for several years -- and I begged God to send me back to the prisons. It's just how I'm built, which is usually very different than what's seen as the norm.

You mention that you are happily married. This is something I often ask married people who give such advice to singles -- what will happen if the time comes when you are no longer married, but single? God rarely takes married couples in pairs. I know you have mentioned that your wife is much younger than you are so I supposed you figure it won't happen to you. But what if it does? Do you think you'll bounce back as quickly and be as chipper and ready to dive right into the festivities as you are describing now? I hope it never happens to you, but if it does, I hope I am around to hear your advice then.

My heart breaks for the people here who have lost anyone, but particularly, spouses they love, whether to death or divorce. And may I add, that with divorce in particular, there is sometimes the added pain of knowing that your spouse is still alive and well, but it's just that they just fell in love with, and chose someone else. And all the good Christians swoop in to remind you that God hates divorce, and that if you remarry, you are committing and causing someone else to commit adultery.

(I know unfaithfulness is seen as grounds for divorce but I didn't find out about him leaving for someone else until well after he had left and divorced me, so I got -- and continue to get-- all the good Christian judgment that those on the outside looking in feel they have the right to throw around.)

It's a hard thing to live with, no matter what time of year.

Hmm, yes... And all the people lying in bed, coughing and moaning, happen to be sick people. They must be making themselves sick by lying in bed all day and making a lot of noise. If they would get up and get active, and stop making all that racket, I'm sure they would feel much better.

In other words, you might be confusing cause with effect here.

Mind you, there might be a few people who WOULD feel better if they threw themselves into holiday stuff. But normally healthy people can make themselves feel sick by lying in bed all day, so I consider the parallel to be exact.

I've always liked the holidays pretty well and have had a good family to celebrate with. But that's starting to change a bit as people get older and there aren't any kids around. So mostly as a continually getting older single at the holidays, I feel well; I guess like I'm expected to be accommodating of everyone else and their schedules, much like the rest of the year in that respect.

Seems that couples / families have the built in ability to modify social arrangements because the kids or their spouse wants to have things differently, but if your single it's just poor manners to want something for yourself so you don't get your wants honored because no one else will take up your cause to selflessly insist for you to get your way.

And boy that sounds really grouchy of me, and usually I really like Christmas and can get caught up in the wonder of the Christmas story and don't mind being single.

I guess the other thing is that when you're all pretty much adults who live near family (which is my family) the holidays lose some of their shimmer and become just another family gathering, which is fine, but doesn't feel quite as special. It's still good, but it's just going to visit mom and dad again and like most other visits there will be food and board games and more food and then me looking at the clock and going, oooh it's really late and I still have to go home and take care of my dog.

Or a few years ago when we no longer needed the extra table at Thanksgiving and you realize that your family gatherings are getting smaller and you can reasonably expect that trend to continue.

I don't know that any of these are limited to the holidays but they seem to be a stark reminder of how low singles are on the social food chain.

one time I opted out of the family gathering (all day at bros house, first lot dads side, second lot, mums) for the second lot and came home, and invited another single (female) friend to have dinner with me.

Just a simple dinner, I think it was eggs! She appreciated it and I liked the peace and quiet.

sometimes the silly season can get a but much, too hectic with too many parties to go to, and some instances its like you always have to be couple or have a plus one to avoid awkwardness..plus nobody really likes to go to a party alone. you have to think of logistics and transport on top of that too when visiting, or hosting.

Someone talked about prison ministry, why would that be less dangerous than carol singing? The church organises it with housebound church members, who know we are coming.

The other thing is angel tree minsitry or christmas shoeboxes. I sorted them one year it was like being in santas distributions centre.

Again I want to re emphasize that I do not blame the patient. @Lynx and you.

And yes...between marriages it had the distinct possibility of being a horrible depressing time. I won't get into the details but just suffice it to say that I hated grocery shopping.

However...I learned that if I took great care in planning well before the season came about I did stave off loneliness and depression. The "Roar of Silence " on Sunday nights was deafening and debilitating. It wanted to freeze me into inactivity. (Which is always possible)

And it wasn't pleasant coming out of depression. It was HARD. Not even going to claim anything other.

There's not much left to this season...barely 10 days before Christmas and then another week to the First...then 6 or 7 weeks to Valentines.

What I'm saying is that where you don't have to go caroling or baking or something like that...I'm sure that you have talents that you can utilize to fill your life with a richness that can't otherwise be had. You get in where you fit in.

Christmas Fishing trip?
Polar Bear Club?


(Just saying...meant to be shocking and induce a huge "no")

I am truly sorry for all that you went through, John.

The death of a marriage (as well as a hundred thousand other losses in this life) is devastating and life altering for anyone.

A long time ago when I was under medical care for my depression, the doctor described me as "Unipolar", saying, "You're like a straight line -- that has large dips." I guess right now I'm in the middle of a dip... Thanks to all for reading through my posts and riding out the turbulence.

Now, in what might seem to be a complete 180 from that, I have to admit that your post not only evoked a smile, but also piqued my curiosity.

What, exactly, do you envision a Polar Bear Club doing?

Watching polar bears?

Hunting polar bears?

Talking about nothing but polar bears? (Are discussions about orcas, penguins, or seals allowed?!)

Would everyone in the club be required to dress up like polar bears?

Would the club Christmas party consist of baking treats that are all themed to cold weather and polar bears? (I'm thinking gingerbread igloos here...)

You've got my busy mind working again... and I am morbidly curious as to what a Polar Bear Club would do (not to mention what their meetings would look like.)

I will eagerly await your answer.

Thanks for the laugh!

The polar Bear club is a group of people who chop a hole in the ice and go swimming in freezing water. Then they come out of the water and roll on the snow.

It will be shocking all right. If you don't get shocked and say no, you will get a different kind of shock and your body will tell you no.

Now I'm halfway tempted to write a poll asking which one would be more shocking:


1. A Polar Bear Club that goes ice swimming and then makes angels in the snow,

or,

2. A Polar Bear Club consisting of people of all ages who sit around conversing, all while sporting polar bear onesies.