Hey Everyone,
For some reason, I am dreading Christmas this year. I don't know why, I just am. The long-timers here know my story in a nutshell -- I had a husband once, who moved out without telling me in the middle of the day while I was at work, then later sent me divorce papers through the mail. He eventually remarried and had a family; I went on a year or two later and was in a relationship with an alcoholic who eventually couldn't care for his kids, so it was a bit like being a single parent during that time. But after that relationship ended, I've been by myself ever since.
My ex-husband left in September, right before the holidays, which used to be my favorite time of year. For me, they have been overshadowed by dark clouds ever since, because for me, the holidays signals the loss of the life I had once dreamed of, and never did go on to find. I'm certainly not trying to say that marriage or having kids is the answer to everything or even that having any of this makes the holidays better. Rather, I'm just saying, this is my own situation and I'm wondering how others in similar circumstances cope.
I often wonder if my ex is having a wonderful time with his new wife and kids, and I have to admit, it fills my heart with sadness.
The best holiday I have ever had since then was when I went to visit a friend in prison on Thanksgiving Day. For whatever reason, my family had to cancel that year, so instead, I drove about 80 minutes to the prison, then went through all the necessary rigamarole for the visit, only to be told by the female guard that she didn't like the subtly sparkly top I was wearing (it was a church outfit for goodness sake.) She felt it would attract too much attention, and that she refused to let me in.
I thereby drove to 3 different gas stations (it was hard enough finding one open on T-Day in the USA,) proceeded to buy a huge 3X, waffled, long-sleeve thermal shirt (I normally wear a size M, but this was all they had) and, determined more than ever, plopped myself right back into the waiting room to go through the whole process all over again. (Have I ever mentioned that I can be a bit headstrong?)
This time, seeing that my new threads made me look like a padded-up football player, the guard let me in, and was kind enough to say, "Thank you for not yelling at me." I told her, "I understand, I work with the public too, and you're just trying to do your job." She thanked me for trying to see things from her perspective. That alone was a big lesson to me about how we can be witnesses in the smallest of ways.
My friend was, of course, shocked to see me. "What in the world are you doing here?!" he said. I answered with a slight mischievous grin while digging into my pockets, "Buying you Thanksgiving dinner." Which consisted of $5-a-piece prison vending machine hot pockets and his favorite grape Fanta soda pop. The prison only allowed you to bring in coin money ($20 max), and this was when they were starting to come out with a unique US quarter for each state, so he was fascinated by all the different quarters I had brought along in my mandated clear Ziploc bag.
And this was something I'll always treasure. This time to just sit, talk honestly with a good friend, and being able to be my authentic self (sad, silly, and somber all at the same time) without having to plaster on a fake smile while being surrounded by all couples at family holiday event. I loved being able to share a part of the outside world with him that he had never seen before.
But the visit also brought things sharply into perspective for me, as it made me realize how much I needed to work harder on gratitude and never taking my family for granted. I was there the entire time during visiting hours, and out of a 300-man block, only about 3 other inmates had visitors that day. My friend told me that without the phone calls, letters, and visits he got from his mom and me, he would have felt completely forgotten and would have "turned into a bitter soul."
(For anyone who's curious, he has been out for several years now and God has helped him immensely. He has a full-time job, runs his own business on the side, and has completely turned his life around.) We have never dated, as that didn't seem to be in the cards (we also live across the country from each other and have complicated lives,) but we often reminisce about those "old times."
I met this friend through a ministry that served inmates, and I told God today that maybe it was time for me to find something else like that again to help fill this empty, gaping whole of loneliness and uselessness that's constantly nagging at my heart. (I stopped doing prison ministry when another young woman in a similar ministry was found, shot, and killed by an escaped inmate, and I believe God told me my time of doing this was over for now.)
But I will be ever grateful for the chance to visit my friend at the prison that Thanksgiving, because it was something I'll never forget and will always carry with me.
What about the rest of you? And for our married friends, feel free to chime in as well. We singles sometimes think that finding a spouse and/or having a family is the answer to our loneliness, but it can be eye-opening to hear what marrieds and those with families are really going through themselves.
* What are the holidays like for you? Joyful, full of eager anticipation, or lonely, hard to get through -- and perhaps a mix of both?
* Do you feel lonely during the holidays? Is there something that makes it better or worse than any other time of the year?
* How do you cope with the feelings you have during these times? What steps do you take, and what actions, Bible passages, etc. help you through?
* What are some of your best, and most challenging, holiday moments?
Thank you for allowing me to share what's been on my heart -- now, I would really like to hear what's been on yours.
For some reason, I am dreading Christmas this year. I don't know why, I just am. The long-timers here know my story in a nutshell -- I had a husband once, who moved out without telling me in the middle of the day while I was at work, then later sent me divorce papers through the mail. He eventually remarried and had a family; I went on a year or two later and was in a relationship with an alcoholic who eventually couldn't care for his kids, so it was a bit like being a single parent during that time. But after that relationship ended, I've been by myself ever since.
My ex-husband left in September, right before the holidays, which used to be my favorite time of year. For me, they have been overshadowed by dark clouds ever since, because for me, the holidays signals the loss of the life I had once dreamed of, and never did go on to find. I'm certainly not trying to say that marriage or having kids is the answer to everything or even that having any of this makes the holidays better. Rather, I'm just saying, this is my own situation and I'm wondering how others in similar circumstances cope.
I often wonder if my ex is having a wonderful time with his new wife and kids, and I have to admit, it fills my heart with sadness.
The best holiday I have ever had since then was when I went to visit a friend in prison on Thanksgiving Day. For whatever reason, my family had to cancel that year, so instead, I drove about 80 minutes to the prison, then went through all the necessary rigamarole for the visit, only to be told by the female guard that she didn't like the subtly sparkly top I was wearing (it was a church outfit for goodness sake.) She felt it would attract too much attention, and that she refused to let me in.
I thereby drove to 3 different gas stations (it was hard enough finding one open on T-Day in the USA,) proceeded to buy a huge 3X, waffled, long-sleeve thermal shirt (I normally wear a size M, but this was all they had) and, determined more than ever, plopped myself right back into the waiting room to go through the whole process all over again. (Have I ever mentioned that I can be a bit headstrong?)
This time, seeing that my new threads made me look like a padded-up football player, the guard let me in, and was kind enough to say, "Thank you for not yelling at me." I told her, "I understand, I work with the public too, and you're just trying to do your job." She thanked me for trying to see things from her perspective. That alone was a big lesson to me about how we can be witnesses in the smallest of ways.
My friend was, of course, shocked to see me. "What in the world are you doing here?!" he said. I answered with a slight mischievous grin while digging into my pockets, "Buying you Thanksgiving dinner." Which consisted of $5-a-piece prison vending machine hot pockets and his favorite grape Fanta soda pop. The prison only allowed you to bring in coin money ($20 max), and this was when they were starting to come out with a unique US quarter for each state, so he was fascinated by all the different quarters I had brought along in my mandated clear Ziploc bag.
And this was something I'll always treasure. This time to just sit, talk honestly with a good friend, and being able to be my authentic self (sad, silly, and somber all at the same time) without having to plaster on a fake smile while being surrounded by all couples at family holiday event. I loved being able to share a part of the outside world with him that he had never seen before.
But the visit also brought things sharply into perspective for me, as it made me realize how much I needed to work harder on gratitude and never taking my family for granted. I was there the entire time during visiting hours, and out of a 300-man block, only about 3 other inmates had visitors that day. My friend told me that without the phone calls, letters, and visits he got from his mom and me, he would have felt completely forgotten and would have "turned into a bitter soul."
(For anyone who's curious, he has been out for several years now and God has helped him immensely. He has a full-time job, runs his own business on the side, and has completely turned his life around.) We have never dated, as that didn't seem to be in the cards (we also live across the country from each other and have complicated lives,) but we often reminisce about those "old times."
I met this friend through a ministry that served inmates, and I told God today that maybe it was time for me to find something else like that again to help fill this empty, gaping whole of loneliness and uselessness that's constantly nagging at my heart. (I stopped doing prison ministry when another young woman in a similar ministry was found, shot, and killed by an escaped inmate, and I believe God told me my time of doing this was over for now.)
But I will be ever grateful for the chance to visit my friend at the prison that Thanksgiving, because it was something I'll never forget and will always carry with me.
What about the rest of you? And for our married friends, feel free to chime in as well. We singles sometimes think that finding a spouse and/or having a family is the answer to our loneliness, but it can be eye-opening to hear what marrieds and those with families are really going through themselves.
* What are the holidays like for you? Joyful, full of eager anticipation, or lonely, hard to get through -- and perhaps a mix of both?
* Do you feel lonely during the holidays? Is there something that makes it better or worse than any other time of the year?
* How do you cope with the feelings you have during these times? What steps do you take, and what actions, Bible passages, etc. help you through?
* What are some of your best, and most challenging, holiday moments?
Thank you for allowing me to share what's been on my heart -- now, I would really like to hear what's been on yours.
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