The Banned Game

The inhabitants of Lanolinland were to busy having fun to notice that their President wasnt actually in the Beehive working and had been banished to Great Barrier Island to take asylum.

Kevin was now at the helm and he was serious about getting those dogs trained up and obedient in the South Island so that they wouldnt eat all the kiwis.

Rangimarie Retreat - nobody had ever heard of it. Perhaps it was a made up name?

Miss Greenlips Hine was too busy making mussel chowder and fritters to notice and had stopped watching Shortland Street so she had no idea what was going on in the 'real world'

The real world where Kirsty and Lionel were now an item and planning on resitting their marriage licence certificate to be officially married next year. Lionel had grown a moustache for Movember and Kirsty fell in love with him again and insisted he keep it.

Mrs Hairy was now on a healthy food campaign to get her husband to lose the bloat hed gained from eating too much donuts. He ate more than one donut a day and was getting to be a donut shape himself.

What? Gasped Miss Greenlips Hine, hearing the cries of the kiwis in her forest and shore backyard.

President Lanolin played the Banned Game and won?!

I thought nobody ever won the Banned Game!

She closed the Kelp Kurtain. Nothing to see here...

Captain Hull Loss was somewhat taken aback by the angry tone of his lieutenant. "I don't much care for your tone, Lieutenant", he retorted severely, as he looked over to his First Officer.

"FO!" he barked.

First Officer Engine Failure turned reluctantly from surveying the screen readouts.

"First Officer, what year is this?" the Captain asked slowly and deliberately.

"Oh, errr, just let me check, sir," Engine Failure replied nervously, turning back to his screens. "There seems to be an error with the time-reel conveyancer, sir." Engine Failure reported. "I will have to go..."

"What year is the time-reel conveyancer reporting, First Officer?" the Captain insisted, quite sternly.

"Well, sir, it says 2022, but..."

"2022!?!" the Captain exploded.

"Anno Domini this time," the First Officer stammered hastily.

"And I suppose you think that means we should all be grateful we won't need to parade around in kalasirises to evade the Pharoah's slavemasters whilst we try to get back to our own time?" Captain Hull Loss thundered.

"Well, sir, although I did enjoy learning about the customs of the ancient Egyptians..." Engine Failure's voice became quieter as he saw the Captain's face darken with anger.

"The kalasirises were very interesting?" Engine Failure almost asked, hoping to appease the Captain's increasingly great wrath by focusing on the positive.

The Captain's measured silence conveyed to the crew the seriousness of the First Officer's offense, and the First Officer was clearly becoming flustered. "I still think there must be some mistake with the time-reel conveyancer, sir..." he pleaded.

"Silence!" ordered the Captain. "First Officer, you will accompany our...", here the Captain paused deliberately, "esteemed... governmental agent to the surface, and search out materials and equipment suitable to repair our time-reel conveyancer."

“But Captain, you don’t understand”, Lieutenant Blondie tried to communicate something very important, but the captain was fuming heavier than the engines overheating on his last spacecraft and didn’t pay any attention to her. There wasn’t anything wrong with anything. The pharaoh fix they’d gotten themselves into the last time, courtesy of the captain, mind you, was only solved on the grounds of pure luck. The captain had frenetically mashed every button in the cockpit and for some unlikely reason his mashing havoc had brought them home.

“Captain!” she said sternly as the old ladies at the church back home when somebody had missed last Sunday’s sermon. The captain turned his head in her direction. “You have something to add, Lieutenant?” She nodded. “We don’t know why we’re here, and certainly not how to get home. If my memory serves me correctly this isn’t even a time machine, but a spacecraft. It shouldn’t be able to travel in time, yet here we are, and a spell back we almost got fed to the crocodiles in ancient Egypt. Just face it, you don’t know nothing about space traveling and even less about time traveling!” Ms Blondie was furious. Any Turk would be proud to see her anger on full display.

“And that time reel conveyance thing you keep bringing up doesn’t even exist! What on earth would such a device help us do on a spacecraft?! It’s just the ordinary instruments you’re looking at!” Ms Blondie was a bit worried that the stress which was part of being a useless captain somehow had blurred the captain’s grip on reality. He seemed to actually believe he had a device that could help them back home.

Captain Hull Loss smiled condescendingly at his young lieutenant. What she lacked in brain power, she certainly made up for in looks. Her smaller feminine brain obviously hadn't the capacity to store the Starfleet Academy lessons on Photodynamic Relativity, and how when one makes light look like a turtle (relativistically speaking), light can send one backward in time in order to give itself more of a head start." But despite the lieutenant's minimalist brain capacity, the Captain could certainly tolerate much more uppitiness coming from this beautifully-formed creature than he could from that dog-faced agent who worked for the government.

"Remember what they say, Lieutenant?" he reminded the young Lieutenant. "An empty spacecraft makes the most noise."

"Spacecraft is a metaphor for your brain," the Captain whispered to her, just in case she didn't understand his meaning.

Lieutenant Blondie rolled her eyes. Noise required a medium on which to travel, and given there was not a lot of this medium in space, she knew that in reality, most spacecraft were equally silent, whether empty of not.

"And of course the time-reel conveyancer exists. How else do you think we know it's 2022?" the Captain continued.

"The newspaper article I found?" asked the Lieutenant.

"Well, obviously, the newspaper article was corroborating evidence, yes," conceded the Captain. "But what if the locals had it wrong?"

"By a hundred years?" asked the Lieutenant.

"Well, these are ignorant people, Lieutenant. Do you know they buried their Pharaohs in pyramids, and what kind of term is 'kalasiris' for an item of clothing, anyway?"

Lieutenant Blondie sighed. "That was the ancient Egyptians, in 2022 BC. This is 2022 AD."

"Is that what the newspaper article stated?" asked Captain Hull Loss.

Lieutenant Blondie had to admit the newspaper article didn't include whether it was an AD or a BC article.

"Hence the time-reel conveyancer!" declared the Captain triumphantly. "Now while the FO and government agent are outside, let's give this ship another start, shall we?" the Captain gave the Lieutenant a wink.

Lieutenant Blondie didn't know what would be worse. Being stranded in this place, 100 years in the past, or getting the ship started and leaving the First Officer behind, and having to take his place by the Captain's side.

JennyMae -- banned for implying blondes are a bit dim and obsessing over her red hair

MosesYoung ----banned for illegal time-travelling


Kevin was enjoying his new banning device he'd bought at a Black Friday sale. . It read...BANNED! And he used it like Miss Goodbooks would put stickers on her library books.

Joe78--- banned for wife trolling on CC
Longhaul---ditto

Maybe they were one and the same person? Thought Kevin

This was too easy

Kevin reviewed his list again

He added two more names

Robertt and Narrowpath--- banned for being an online couple on the CC singles forum

Before she could think of a response to the captain a voice could be heard from the entrance area. Several voices were getting closer and then a woman with red, blazing hair appeared surrounded by a security detail. It was the woman from the restaurant. The Empress!

“I hear that you are aliens from outer space, what are you doing here?” the Empress demanded. The captain ordered Lt Blondie to take care of this little business with the Empress. “Madam, we’re not aliens”, she started. The Empress bit her off abruptly. “You’re here in a spaceship of a kind which has never been seen on earth and you’re saying you’re not aliens?” Lt Blondie stammered a little before she finally said: “We’re not aliens because we are from the future, look at the name of the space company”. The Empress took a quick look, then a not so quick look, before she finally was left gazing at the company name while her chin fell down. It read: “Jennymaesia Space Industry Ltd”.

“We don’t have no space industry!” The Empress finally managed to say. “Not now”, Lt Blondie said, “but in a few years time you will, the President of Jennymaesia will initiate the program come 2035”. Another shock to the Empress’s system. A president. A plebeian ruler. “We don’t have a president!” the Empress said angrily. “This is an empire!” Lt Blondie opened the book of the space industry history. “See for yourself, President Charles Young established the space industry in 2035, after winning the 2026 election in a landslide”.

The Empress froze. The 2026 election? This was the end of 2022, and there was no sign of a republic. “What about the Empress?” she inquired, but not so confident as she intended to. “Oh, she had to flee the country in 2023…some corruption case that refused to die down and she had to go back to her trailer park home on wheels…she managed to take enough money with her to replace the missing wheels though”, Lt Blondie could inform the Empress.

Banning Lanolin for suggesting that brunettes aren't smarter, and for inferring that blazing red hair is anything less than amazing.

Also banned for having a reputation as a philistine queen and fake news editor.

Moses Young BANNED for stealing Kevins Banning device and trying to sell it for cheap on CC.

Kevin wondered what on earth Moses Young had against Lanolin as she was completely innocent. Oh well. Who knew?
Maybe he just hadnt been able to grow a moustache for Movemeber?

The guinea pig hackers uncovered a plot from He who must not be Named. Aka Monsieur Nom de Plume aka the Wicked One aka 'not so great Chieftain'

He had accused President Lanolin of colluding with Philistines even though Philistinia was a land that no longer existed. It had changed it name to Shittimstan.

The murky origins of Shittimstan were about to be uncovered.

President Lanolin awoke from her nap when a team of Albatrosses dropped by her reading hammock at Rangirmarie Retreat

kickkick clickclick kickkick

Thats interesting she said but why would he do that?

kickcckckk clikckck

what? He stole Kevins banning device?

kcikdkckckk kkkcickc

hmm somethins not right here. He still must be desperately in love with Miss Ruby to mention that. But she pays abosolutley no attention to him no matter how hard he tries, he just cant win her heart

kickkick kkkclclick

I know, hes using Miss BumBum, but Miss Zipmouth is safe here

kik clikckckilaic

He should talk to Baz Im sure he knows everything about that

Baz's pentology, the 613 Commandments was proceeding now at an increased pace, now that it had gained momentum after the ten plagues had started when the burning bush grew out of control and the collapse of the house of cards that made up the capital cities of Rubyland, Mosestaria and Evereverland

First was the crocs breeding program. Bindi had given the female crocs fertility drugs and now they were mating more and filling up the beer soaked billabongs.

Then second was the beer soaked billabongs turning an unsightly golden yellow hue, like the colour of urine. The bogans had contributed to that one.

Third was the overruning of the land with giant rabbits that looked like kangaroos. Miss Rubys rabbit proof fence was trampled to the ground

And then there were further plagues in store...

Shittimstan....

A land that time forgot...

BBC World sent David Rabbitborough over to invesitgate this strange and unsual land and the creatures in it. It was like a lost world.

Kevin wasnt very happy that his BANNED device had been stolen - by the Mosetarians. They were always stealing stuff that wasnt nailed down. Bunch of thieves, he muttered, but what do you expect from ex-convicts. Not like they ever gave Lanolinland anything, they were so stingy.

He looked in the spare cupboard for something else to use and saw President Lanolins prized magic jawbone and also a stick that looked like a boomerang but wasnt one. Could it be the long-lost magic wand? He recalled President Lanolin lamenting that she had lost it and needed a new one. When it was in the spare cupboard the whole time!

The Ruby Princess cruise ship left Queen Charlotte Sound and voyaged south toward Antarctica. Finally they were going to see the penguins. Prince George was overjoyed and Prince Louis was super excited.

Princess Charlotte had heard that Nermal had moved to Antarctica and she was keen to take a selfie with him at the Summer Winter Wonderland Dreamworld.

there were 7 more plagues to come for Mosestaria, Rubyland and Everevereverland.

the fourth was a plague of dyslexia/Aussie accents ...every word got mexed up en turned et backwerds.

The fifth was a run on Rubyland mascara...it had started to melt in the intense heat from the burning bushes

The sixth was the trumpets sounding and all the ice cream trucks getting their tyres stuck in the Great sandy desert

Sister Lanolin found that there were some extra guests staying at Rangimarie Retreat now and it was getting a bit crowded, with the arrival of Sister Megs and Brother Harry, and their children, Archie and Lilibet.

Sister Megs said she needed to 'get away from it all' and Brother Harry said the kitchen had melted and he didnt like waking up in a puddle. Their igloo house had been dismantled and was now in the process of being crushed up and made into snowballs, to send to Shittimstan, whos children desperately needed snow.

Do they know its Christmas in Shittimstan? wondered Sister Lanolin out loud.

Well said Sister Megs, they will when we send our care package of snow to them..

“I desperately need that banning device!” Ms Elly May of the Jennymaesian resistance movement said in a hushed voice to her second in command Mr Second. He was looking perplexed and los’fer words when hearing this, but he was by now familiar with the antics of his leader. He summed up his concerns and uttered a tactically, yet not so much confident response to her. His exact words was “what for?”.

“What for?” Ms Elly May gasped. “To ban that American hag who has, in a most uninvited manner, crowned herself ‘Empress’ of the country, of course!” Mr S nodded eagerly at the thought of banning the intruder. “But the banning device is in Lanolinland?” he came to think of. Ms Elly May smiled cunningly and laughed her wicked little laughter. “That’s why you are going to Lanolinland to get it. And don’t you dare come back without it!”

Everybody knew that entering that country was impossible. In fact, nobody knew for sure if it even existed. Mean spirited tongues claimed that Lanolinland was only a server connected to a pamphlet printer located in the medieval country of Shittimistan, but he wasn’t sure about that. The only way of getting there was across the ocean of lost souls and not one single person had ever returned after trying to find Lanolinland. He’d probably end up with the other lost souls, deep down, below the surface of that ocean.

Well, he was gonna beat the ocean. No waves nor white caps could stop him. Ms Elly May would get the banning device.

After a vomiting trip across the ocean, Mr Second, more dead than alive finally had put his feet on the mythical soil of Lanolinland. The seagulls were just as annoying as in Jennymaesia. He started walking in the direction of the capital. It was a 100 km to the capital, a road sign informed him. He didn’t know how far that was in miles, but it probably was a right far piece.

After two days he was at the gates of the capital. Now he would have to find out where the device was.