The Banned Game

Lanolin · Aug 2, 2022

President Lanolin said Miss Greenlips Hine should just provide the Empress with a terry cloth robe and slippers, and have supermodel Rachel Hunter advise her on hair and beauty treatments, since it wont happen overnight, but it will happen.

Then she can choose from any of the Empress outfits from WOW, but since it takes years of sewing and intricate beadwork, they might not be ready to wear in at least a years time. This one isnt quite finished.

It wouldnt do to dress the Empress in Shittimstan cast offs, even if they ARE vintage designer original.

Miss Greenlips Hine did a facepalm. She recalled meeting the Empress at a garden party when she was hobnobbing. What, she doesnt like Banana Republic? I thought she was trying to cultivate a 'professional royalty' look, like 'smart casual' for incognito working royals.

Oh no said President Lanolin. The Empress is into tantrums and tiaras. Think Priscilla, Queen of the desert. Just not too way out. Keep it subtle.

Ruby123 · Aug 2, 2022

E Ruby was a little surprised President Lanolin suggest that she need to improve on her fashion sense. She thought it was quite up to date. She thought about it, maybe she should receive mentoring from Miss Greenlips Hine. After all she does have her own fashion line.
She picked up the phone and dialled.
"I would like to book an appointment to see Miss Greenlips for some fashion styling" she said to the receptionist. "Yes, tomorrow afternoon will be fine".
"This appointment will be just in time to receive some fabulous fashion advice for the annual ball next weekend. How I love to dress up and attend. she thought.
"Must check with my fellow Empress's to see what they are planning to wear"

Moses_Young · Aug 2, 2022

The Chieftain angrily pressed a button on his remote control, and the International-Spy-Vision turned off.

"It's a disgrace!" he exclaimed. "Who on Earth is this Mr Hulk, and why does he think that I was Santa? If I was Santa, I would have read the letter."

"Well, technically speaking, sir," noted Mordecai, "You did read the letter."

"Yes, but then I returned it when I realised it wasn't for me. So it's the same as if I didn't read it."

"Well, they're the rules in Mosestaria, yes," explained Tzipora, "But pretty much everywhere else in the world, people only open letters that are for them."

"But how do I know if a letter is for me or not, until I open it?" demanded the Chieftain.

"Well, typically, in most places, people write the name of the intended recipient on the outside of the envelope", explained Tzipora patiently. "Then one can return the letter before opening it, if the name on the outside of the envelope doesn't match one's own."

"Well, there was no name on the envelope. Just some unintelligible reference to 'the wicked one'. How was I to know if someone had intended that I was 'the wicked one'?" the Chieftain asked incredulously.

"Well, that's just it. In most places on Earth..." Tzipora started.

"Not Mosestaria!" interrupted the Chieftain.

"Yes, in most places on Earth except Mosestaria...", Tzipora corrected herself, "the very act of opening an envelope addressed to a title-holder is tacit acceptance by the envelope-opener that he is the holder of that title."

The Chieftain gasped. "You mean the letter was a trap... to get me to accept the title of 'the wicked one'?'

Tzipora nodded. "Possibly. Or maybe even Santa Claus if she resends it, and you open it again."

The Chieftain shook his head darkly. E-Ruby had won this round, but her impertinence would not soon be forgotten. He certainly would not be tacitly accepting the title of Santa...

Ruby123 · Aug 2, 2022

E Ruby decided to get the letter hand delivered to the wicked one's palace and have it signed upon arrival.
Mr Hulk who was now one of her staff members would be the ideal one to deliver it. After all they apparently knew one another.
She rang Mr Hulk's mobile.
"Ah yes Mr Hulk, could you please make your way to the dining room please. I have a special job for you" she said.
Within seconds Mr Hulk was there. She explained what she wanted done. Having understood her instructions, Mr Hulk made his way to the wicked one's palace to hand deliver the envelope addressed to "MR CLAUS aka Santa"

Moses_Young · Aug 2, 2022

The long anticipated letter finally arrived.

"Letter for Moses the Younger, Wise Chieftain of the House of Mosestaria," exclaimed Tommy Hulk cheerfully, at the entrance of the secret Mosestarian Antarctic fortress.

Tommy was met at the entrance by a warrioress of stunning beauty, so much so that he couldn't maintain eye-contact and keep his mouth closed.

"Uhhhh... I have a letter here for Mr Claus - I, I mean, Mr Moses?" the handsome and muscular but out-of-his-league young man asked, rather than informed.

Tzipora read the writing on the envelope aloud. "MR CLAUS aka Santa?" she asked, raising her dark eyebrows. "I think you've got the wrong address, sonny," she stated coldly.

"Uhhh, yes ma'am?" the poor boy replied.

Tzipora's face softened a little. "Look, if you're looking for Santa, you need to go to the North pole. That's in the centre of the Flat Earth, not some hidden fortress located along the outskirts toward the edge. Go to the North pole, give the letter to Santa, and your mission will be complete."

So Tommy Hulk did as he was told. And he made Santa sign for the letter. And Santa was so angry at being referred to as 'the wicked one', he declared there would be no Christmas presents for E-Ruby this year. Just a lump of coal, and a second-hand tyre given to him by a good friend from Mosestaria.

Lanolin · Aug 2, 2022

Miss Greenlips Hine was now busy also dealing with Empress Ruby. She decided not to tell President Lanolin that she'd accepted another call from her, lest it turn out to be yet another prank.

Apparently that was why Empress Ruby was having so much trouble with He who must not be named in the first place. When they were little, which was only about a year ago, the Empress had forgotten she had rigged the door and a sack full of flour had dropped on to Moses boy's head as he entered and covered him head to toe, and that was the start of it all.

This time Empress Ruby was asking for fashion advice.

Im sure WOW has JUST the outfit for the Her Royal Redness! thought Miss Greenlips Hine. And it hasnt been worn by Mrs Hairy. It is far too slick.

jennymae · Aug 2, 2022

THE Empress, or Ms Jenny like her friends and staff called her, was getting a wee bit worried. Of course, her intelligence had been doing a lousy job, and the second in command, after the corrupted Mr Long Ears, was now put out to pasture. She’d gotten a new position feeding the pigs. She didn’t exactly enjoy her new assignment, but either that or solitary confinement. She chose the pigs. The Empress had no patience with employees unfit for their work.

She’d read the memorandum from a low ranking clerk who insisted that her fellow Empresses was having problems with their personal fashionistas. Even the evil Mosestarian Tsar seemed to have beard problems. Oh, the irony, per usual the only country which could display an impeccable style was her very own Jennymaesia. According to the magazine’s empty barrels was now the number one dress in Mosestaria. These rigid outfits offered a nice safe haven for ladies unfamiliar with the idea of hips and waistlines. No shoes and hairy legs completed the picture. When the three Empresses at some point would pay Mosestaria a visit, little doubt would there be that the Mosestarian ladies would come across a wee bit dated. She chuckled at the thought of it.

Lanolin · Aug 3, 2022

Baroness Barry returned from her disastrous date with the young Chieftain to her loyal possums

Possums, I will no longer go on eHarmoney. To find my next companion, we are going to have an election. The MAN with the most number of votes will win me as his bride.

Then they will get to rule with me in my new Baronetcy of the realm, have the title of Baronet, and I will take the new name of Dame Edna first Lady of former Mosestaria. Which will be renamed Evereverland.

I've come a long way from lowly guinea pig feeder dowager widower of Jennymaesia and I dont intend to let the Empress forget it.

I will no longers hobnob at five star ice hotels, only palaces, so my next stop is Caesars Buckingham Palace. The lighting there is so much more conducive to a star of my wattage.

Lanolin · Aug 3, 2022

The possums of Rubyland and all of Jennymaesia recieved an official looking election form in the post. There were only 3 candidates

Vote 1 man only for Evereverland

|_| He who must not be named
|_| Moses123
|_| Santa Claus

Ruby123 · Aug 3, 2022

E Ruby could see why Greenlips failed her fashion course. I mean look at the outfit she came up with for her to wear to the annual ball.
Perhaps she needed to make an appointment with "Spec Savers"
The money she paid for the whole thing was wasted. How could she wear that outfit to the ball. Anybody could see that outfit was more of a fancy dress costume. What could she do with it.
She made herself a cup of coffee and came up with a brilliant idea.
She called for the handsome Mr Hulk.
"Ah yes come in Mr Hulk. I have another delivery for you to make. Take this hideous costume wrapped in this expensive box sealed with this pretty ribbon and hand deliver it to Tizzy. Tell her the annual ball this year is costume themed and an anonymous donor has donated this fabulous costume for her to wear" E Ruby chuckled.
"That woman has spread such nonsense to the media about us three Empress's that perhaps this will shut her up. If this doesn't work, Leo my faithful great white has a taste for flesh" E Ruby snarled.
The handsome Mr Hulk made his way to deliver the special parcel.
E Ruby carried on with her duties, opening her mail. She received an election form in the post. She read it and decided that Moses123 should be the man to marry Barroness Bary and help to rule Evereverland, formerly known as Mosestaria. She ticked the box and her vote was sealed.

Moses_Young · Aug 3, 2022

Meanwhile, Eagle Three was patiently hiding behind the palm tree, watching his attractive quarry - a former empress no less, with blazing red-hair, trapped far, far away in an ivory tower which seemed to almost touch the sky.

Although the former Empress - currently the maiden of the highest tower - had anticipated it would be 2 weeks before her hair reached all the way to the ground, the former Empress was "not the sharpest tool in the shed", as Eagle Three would later note, and had miscalculated the lengthening time. In actuality, it had only taken 5 days. Eagle Three decided to make his move.

The former Empress - some 500 feet up in the tower, suddenly felt a tearing pain in her scalp, as if someone was pulling her hair. She realised that this wasn't like the fairy tales she had read about in picture books, and that having a knight in shining armour - or worse - some Mosestarian clone in a 5-day old disguise - ascending a tower by one's hair was less romantic than it was bothersome.

After several minutes of discomfort - Eagle Three was obviously a good climber and the former Empress's hair obviously rated highly for grip - Eagle Three stumbled into the balcony.

The former Empress rolled her eyes. It appeared to be that evil, obstinate, Mosestarian chieftain, who refused to surrender and mumbled speeches about "fighting them on the beaches".

She was about to insult the intruder with something both witty and descriptive about the man's fashion-sense, but the man spoke first.

"And now, mi'lady, as your rescuer, I would like to quote something from you from Song of Solomon..."

The former Empress's eyes narrowed. "Are you sure that is entirely appropriate..."

But before she had finished speaking, the young(ish) man started reciting. "Thy hair is as a flock of goats, that appear from mount Gilead."

The former Empress froze in horror. "Who was this upstart to be comparing her beautiful hair to... to... perish the thought... common goats!" Obviously, the poor former-Empress hadn't been able to wash all of her hair as regularly as she'd have liked due to it's enormous length, but it was still every inch blazing-red-beautiful. She had half a mind to turf the man out of the balcony window for his insult, but he hadn't finished yet.

"And now mi'lady, I have come to claim what is mine."

And with that, the man took out some shearing-scissors and promptly trimmed the greater part of her long, flowing, blazing red-hair...

"Just like the Kalahari goats back home", the man gave the former Empress a wide grin, with a gold tooth that seemed to wink - good morning former-Empress - before he disappeared out of the balcony window as quickly as he had entered.

Ruby123 · Aug 3, 2022

All I can say is clone number three is about to receive a black eye from E Jenny Mae.
You know how much she looks after her long red silky hair to have it clipped by some gold tooth shearer.
He is about to become a dead man.
E Ruby bought out the popcorn, things were about to get good.

jennymae · Aug 3, 2022

Moses_Young said:

“A nefarious act has been carried out today by the…erm…nefarious Mosestarian regime”, the Empress declared when she met with her council.

Her Secretary of State coughed and prepared to utter a few words on the subject. “Gracious Empress, mother of our great country, it is my impression that the Mosestarian believes that your blazing red hair possesses magical powers.”

“And?” the Empress said impatiently. “I know my hair is magical!”

“Ah, oh well, yes, but it seems they will exploit your hair as a strategical means!”

“Which means?” the Empress said dumbfounded. As the Mosestarian thief who in a most mean spirited way had cut off her hair had discovered, the Empress was not a big player in the IQ league. In fact she was placed safely on the western side of the Bell curve. Her WAIS test results were classified, but a PM that somehow had been leaked to the council, typing out her results required less ink than most people’s results. Nevertheless, the Empress knew she was the smartest person in the country, or, in fact, on earth.

“I’d say we invade his country and get back my hair. My hairdresser has promised me that she will fix it”, the Empress said out loud.

The council became a gathering of coughs and bewildered gazing into the great empty of nothing, when hearing this intricate plan, before a junior member who still hadn’t spent time in the dungeons for saying something stupid…or rather something stupid sounding to the Empress’s ears.

“It’s just hair, would it not be disproportionately waging war on the grounds of hair?” he said with a genuine concern on his face. The entire council went quiet. Then they slowly turned their heads towards the Empress.

The Empress’s face was now redder than her hair. “What’s your name, young man?” she said sweetly. The young man smiled and thought the Empress had realized that a war was a bit of an overreaction. “My lady, my name is Mr Norton!”

“Well, Mr Norton, you are hereby sentenced to 90 days in my new super max facility. Solitary confinement, that is, for high treason! Take him away!” the Empress addressed the council again. “Any other crazy ideas?”

Lanolin · Aug 3, 2022

Rachel Hunter found her hair and beauty appointment in Lanolinland with the Empress cancelled at the last moment and that she now had to find a 500 foot long red wig on her Tour of Beauty to Rubyland.

She enlisted Miss Greenlips Hine to fly her over.

Miss Greenlips Hine tried to get out of the uber arrangement, saying President Lanolin required her to stay in Lanolinland, but Ms Hunter insisted it was urgent and the Empress was paying the maximum rate in air miles plus it was matter of diplomacy.

Great, muttered Miss Greenlips Hine. What a fine mess these Empresses have got me into, I should never have answered those prank calls

What was that Miss Greenlips Hine?

Oh er, I was just saying what a fine dress you have got into Ms Hunter. Where is it from?

I have a social media account with the Kardashians replied Ms Hunter. Being the ex wife of Rod Stewart does have SOME benefits.

Lanolin · Aug 4, 2022

The loyal possums received their election ballots in the post.

Vote only 1 man for Evereverland!

By a process of elimination, He who must not be named was crossed off, because of all the unspeakably wicked things the Empresses had said he had done.

Then there was Moses123. The possums immediately saw red flags surrounding that name. Didnt he part the Red Sea or was it the Ruby Sea? That was now filled with crocodiles and sharks. Also, was he trying to appear older than he was, by adding 123 digits to his name? Or was he somehow related to Ruby123? They could not have a brother/sister/first cousin dynasty, the possums shuddered at the nepotism of it all.

The only candidate that seemed worthy of the possums vote was Santa Claus, who had also promised to grant their carrot and beetroot wishes on December 25. Plus he seemed suitably mature and wise.

And...wouldnt he make a suitable companion for the Baroness? Yes, they decided amongst themselves. Santa Claus was the man for Evereverland.

jennymae · Aug 4, 2022

The Empress was very impressed with herself. The council meeting had gone down well. By unanimous vote they would invade Mosestaria first thing in the morning. Her fighters were already airborne. Missilery was getting ready and their would be boots on the ground when they controlled the airspace. What could go wrong?

The Empress’s brain was wired a little different than most people’s brains. She was never in doubt and acted upon her emotions, which she usually referred to as facts. The concept of consequences was a foggy mess that she hadn’t really integrated into her brain. In her world it was either black or white, bad or good, me or you. The council had a hard time comprehending her sub imbecile ideas, but knew better than to oppose. Any advising against her ideas was considered an act of conspiring against the country, and would be punished accordingly.

Moses_Young · Aug 4, 2022

"Used hair for sale, used hair for sale. Very strong and beautiful. Reminds me of the Kalahari goats back home." The street merchant's voice rang out in the Jennymaesian bazaar.

"Ah, I see you have a generous supply of it. Tell me, sir, is it very good for making ropes?" a prospective customer asked.

Eagle Three beamed at the man, his gold tooth flashing him a wink as if to indicate his truthworthiness. "This hair," he lowered his voice, "is magical. Taken from one of the most beautiful creatures that you could possibly imagine. There she was, up there in the sky, her silky, shining, blazing-red hair beckoning to me. Begging me, to come and rescue it."

"So what did you do?" the prospective customer asked, interested.

"Naturally," beamed Eagle Three. "I went up there, into the sky, armed only with my shearing-scissors, and I took what was mine. She tried to struggle, to hypnotize me with one of her spells... But I just kept talking calmly, and quoting scripture, and well, here I am, with the most beautiful shops in the Jennymaesian bazaar."

"And the creature?" asked the customer. "Was it angry? Will it be seeking bloody vengeance? Do you sleep with one eye partially open?"

Eagle Three dropped his voice to a whisper. "I sleep with both eyes partly open. The creature is extremely angry." The merchant raised his voice to its usual volume. "But what is it going to do? My shop is the beautiful one now. She's just some bald creature that lives in the sky. If she's not careful, someone might mistake her for a pigeon with feather-rot, and shoot her down before she infects the rest of the flock."

Ruby123 · Aug 4, 2022

E Ruby wished E Jennymae a successful invasion of Mosestaria, she knew she would win.
These constant wars were taking their toll on E Ruby and she longed to go back to the normal civilian life where she was known as Miss Ruby and happily working in pizza hut.
"Those were the days" she reminisced.
"Call Mr Hulk" she ordered her staff member.
Within seconds Mr Hulk was in her office. "Ah Mr Hulk she said, how good are you at making pizza's" she asked.
As she was waiting for an answer, a bird flew by the window with what looked like a red wig in his beak.

jennymae · Aug 4, 2022

The iq pills were working magnificently. The Empress had raised her iq from the mid seventies to triple nine society level. Suddenly it was all clear. She understood everything. Unfortunately she also understood the ramifications of being an Empress waging war against another country. She could now think of all kinds of threats that could potentially ruin everything. She also could clearly see that she wasn’t the smartest person around, despite her newly developed iq.
The Mosestarians wasn’t all evil, neither was she all good. And that poor Mr Norton…thrown into jail for speaking his mind, which was his job. Magical hair? What was she thinking???

Moses_Young · Aug 4, 2022

Back in their secret Antarctic fortress, Tzipora and Moses the Younger puzzled over the latest developments, whilst staring at the International-Spy-Vision.

Both had been somewhat surprised at the recent vacation choice of Miss E Ruby and her husband behind the refrigerator, although Tzipora had suggested that perhaps the rear of the refrigerator hadn't actually been Miss E Ruby's first choice, and she was just a bad shot. The Chieftain vehemently denied this, explaining it was all some sort of master plot, and that female Rubys are actually the most deadly of the species.

However, what was puzzling the two the most was the plot to re-invade Mosestaria by the former Empress of Jennymaesia.

"Can you invade a country twice?" asked Tzipora. "I thought it was like getting a wart removed. You do it once, and that's it."

"Perhaps those are only Mosestarian rules," ventured Mordecai helpfully. "Perhaps in Jennymaesia, it's like a haircut. You do it once, then a few weeks later, you do it again, and again, and again?"

The Chieftain shrugged his shoulders. "Let's tune in to the Lanolinland propaganda machine. The propaganda always tries to conceal what the enemy are plotting, by filling the airwaves with exactly the opposite."

The Banned Game

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