Marriage Advice Please

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Hello, I am at my wits end and need either encouragement or advice.

I am a 30 year old female married to a 30 year old male. We have been married just over 7 years and in that time we have taken on the roll of youth pastor (he is the pastor) for our church, and we have 2 children under 5 years old. My husband and I come from split homes; my parents divorced due to my biological father having multiple affairs and once the divorce happened he fell off the face of the earth, my husband's parents divorced but he is unsure what all was happening to warrant divorce. After we married I distanced myself from my friends as most were guys and I always knew that they all had feelings for me, most of them were very flirtatious, so I wanted to honor my new husband in keeping my friendships honorable.

My husband is addicted to porn. I know a lot of people have their own opinion on whether porn is ok or not, for me I do not believe it is ok as the Bible states that to look at another woman with lust you commit adultery and adultery is the only reason for divorce. I know, porn shouldn't equate to divorce but stick with me.

About 3 weeks into our marriage I caught my husband touching himself while looking at porn. When I confronted him about it he denied it and was such a good talker he had me apologizing for accusing him. It wasn't till months later that he confessed he was looking at stuff in that moment. A battle then started with me as I began to catch him more and more. I know his porn addiction is not my fault, he says he's been addicted since he was 12 and we didn't meet until our early 20's, but the fact that he was not actively trying to conquer this addiction really angered me.

About our 3rd month of marriage we had a huge argument as I stumbled across a video he had been watching on our laptop, he forgot to close it out I didn't go looking. During this big argument he told me he wanted to be honest about where he was, he told me how he goes through his female coworkers phones while he is alone in the breakroom to look at nudes they have of themselves and then proceeds to masturbate. I was broken in that moment. It no longer was just pictures and videos on the internet but now actual people I see weekly. I couldn't go to his work, I couldn't wear my wedding ring, I could barely look him in the eyes. I began to have the growing fear of "if he can do this then when is he going to start to sleeping with other women?" After every time he was caught in doing something by me he became more loving and more attentive for about a week, his guilt seeping in?

He went to the church pastor and talked about how he was worried for our marriage. We live in a small town and the pastor at the time just so happened to be my husbands ex-girlfriend's father so he was aware of the porn issue. This pastor encouraged us to go to marriage counseling and offered to pay for it, so we went for a 3 months. While there I would talk about my concerns and how I felt that he didn't want to give the porn up, but the counselor seemed uninterested and focused on my traumatic past and why I couldn't oversee the porn addiction for the man my husband is. During this time my husband accepted the role as a youth pastor and was hired by the church full time. Our pastor passed away shortly after concluding our counseling due to an illness, and the gentleman that took over as head pastor is my husband's mentor and "other father."

It was after the passing of our first pastor that I noticed my husband trying to get an old coworker to volunteer her time with him, this would give her 2 hours of being with him. I brought a concern to the new pastor about them being alone as this was the coworker my husband focused on for her nudes. He brushed me off and told me to trust him and that I shouldn't be mad at her and hold it against her (which I'm not angry at her, I'm embarrassed to know that my husband not only violated our vows but also violated this girls privacy without her knowing). I fought with this pastor about how unfair it is that he is seeming to be getting off free of his actions from every one but me. Later my husband started trying to look through other volunteers phones which set an alarm off for me as he works with minors who often forget their phones. He has not told me that he has snooped through a students phone but I honestly would not be surprised.

My husband had done 4 different Bible studies, been a part of 3 different groups that focus on men with porn problems, and now has Covenant Eyes on his phone. I know for some people becoming free from addiction is a process, so I asked 3 things of my husband: 1. Do not look at anything with our sons present or while he is watching them alone 2. do not look at anything in our bed as I needed a safe place and what better place than our marriage bed? 3. do not look at porn and then come to me for fulfillment. My husband has constantly broken all 3 of requests. I have stopped allowing him to be alone with our sons and have even purchased our oldest his own tablet for games that my husband has no access to. I have purchased a new bed for me (that he has already been caught looking at stuff in so I have no safe place), and he was caught looking at porn and then proceeding to have sex with me to relive himself.

We have recently argued over his porn problem as yet again, he is looking at things while getting our youngest to bed. I have become increasingly fed up with the fact that I am not a priority for him, my feelings seem not to matter to him, and our children are not getting the father they deserve. He says I just don't understand (and maybe I don't) but I have 2 wonderful sons that need to have someone fight for them. During this last argument I told my husband that I don't know if I can continue on down the road we are on together as now we have children. He has asked for one more chance to try and correct himself but so far I have seen no effort from him. He is still youth pastoring and we have the same pastor that replaced our first one, and I feel angry that our pastor is not taking this addiction seriously. I am angry that my husband gets to still youth pastor when he is struggling with this (i know absolutely no one is perfect, BUT he is in a leadership position and should be held to higher standards. Especially with his problem of going through other ladies phones for nudes).

Am I crazy? Is there any one that may have dealt with this? At what point do I leave? I don't want to mother him into getting help but I also do not want to sit around and wait forever for him to decide what he wants. Please help me......

None of us are perfect. And he is not doing anything that is a public embarrassment to be brought to the church because he will not stop. What if he smoked would you say he is not qualified to be a pastor because he smokes? What about you and your wrongs? Are you not qualified to be a Christian because of your wrongs?

Sexually lusting after another woman and committing adultery pertains to an actual woman that a man can pursue. Most men are addicted to sex. And you two ought to had discussed what each other sexual needs and acceptance were prior to marriage.

Most men do not tell their sexual needs because they feel the woman will be turned off and that she will give them a No to the sex. Him looking at people’s phone leads proceeds him wanting to have sex with actual women he can pursue; so he must stop (tell him how doing that warrants him to commit adultery leading to divorce). I feel your concern.

I think you two should discuss sex, what all is wanted and accepted; no embarrassment. Tell him to feel comfortable telling it all.

You are not wrong for feeling he was so wrong and that the issue is important to you. Your issues need to be respected, cared about and addressed.

But what you may not be seeing is that:

• What ever man you get with he probably will be addicted to sex; that is how it is; so you thinking about divorce may lead to another and another divorce.
• Thoroughly discuss the sex that is wanted and acceptable before marriage;
• Maybe he is not addicted to porn but have sexual needs; what is wrong with having sexual needs (is that against the Bible?);

Chances are your pastor does nothing because he, too, is addicted. Porn addiction is rampant among Christians and this includes all levels of leadership.

Porn addiction isn't something that one just stops suddenly. Studies show porn addiction most closely resembles heroin addiction, one of the strongest addictions, as revealed by brain scans. So if you expect him to just suddenly quit, not going to happen.

And no addiction of any kind can be overcome if the addict doesn't want to quit.

Porn often teaches that what a woman says is irrelevant and perhaps even not true. So your complaints may be falling on deaf ears as he's being taught that "she Says no, but really means yes".

But that he's taken it as far as invading others privacy is rather concerning. And could even be seen as illegal and potentially get him arrested if caught.
And that he's openly trying to get private time with someone you know is an object of his lust is also worrying. Not only is it a complete disregard for you, as he must be aware you know, but it presents as a potential threat to her.
He's already shown a lack of regret or remorse or any acknowledgement that he's done anything wrong, he's bulldozed your boundaries and invaded others privacy, all things that are taught are acceptable and normal in porn. Another thing common in porn is violence against women. That if a woman says no, deep down she really means yes, you just have to force yourself on her long enough to get her to admit it.
So this other woman is now in potential danger as if he makes advances and is rejected that may not stop him.

The difficulty is churches will often want to ignore or sweep things under the rug to protect the church and/or pastor's appearance, as we see the pastor already doing.

Really your husband's behavior seems rather deviant. And he seems to make a point to ignore your wishes and boundaries and purposefully instigate you. That goes beyond simply looking at women into something more concerning. And that he is so nonchalant about it around your children is concerning as well, not to mention potential legal problems that can arise from that.
If I were you I'd consider taking some more serious steps to distance from him. Perhaps even moving out and separating. Ignore that dirtbag pastor if he complains or tries to convince you otherwise.
Your husband has basically gotten away with it and it's time to let him face some serious consequences before things get worse or any legal problems come about that could also land on you.

The OP has not yet responded to a single post. Looks like it's a one and done.

I saw that. When I first read the OP I was thinking this sounds like a very tall tale. Maybe the OP just did it for laughs.

I am definitely not looking for him to quit overnight. I understand just like with any addiction it takes work. But I feel like there is zero work being put in after 7 years of marriage.
I have never connected how porn teaches women are objects, so that is very helpful that you brought that up. You have given me some good nuggets to think about and I appreciate it. I am taking steps to start distancing from him.

I'm sorry, I didnt realize I had to race to each comment and respond. I've read everyone's responses and decided to go away for the weekend with my children to reflect. I'll try to be more attentive, but I am a mother to 2 young children and am working a job so if I don't get back here fast enough then I'm sorry.

Do people really make this stuff up for laughs? Maybe I'm from a different part of the world cause this is definitely not something to laugh about. But to each his own I guess. Sorry that I broke and needed someone to tell me I'm not crazy for once...? Sorry that it hurts to read what you know is true about how horrible your husband, the father of your children, is....? I didn't come here for gossip. I came here for advice. I received a ton of great advice I'm wanting to make happen. But I needed time to be with my boys before hell breaks loose for us.

Do people really make this stuff up for laughs? Maybe I'm from a different part of the world cause this is definitely not something to laugh about. But to each his own I guess. Sorry that I broke and needed someone to tell me I'm not crazy for once...? Sorry that it hurts to read what you know is true about how horrible your husband, the father of your children, is....? I didn't come here for gossip. I came here for advice. I received a ton of great advice I'm wanting to make happen. But I needed time to be with my boys before hell breaks loose for us.

There is nothing wrong with having sexual needs, but when he is stepping out of his role as a Christian husband there is a problem. He is to protect me, cover me, love me and he has not done that with his actions. I get that there is a thrill for him when he does what he does, but that does not excuse his role as husband, father, and pastor.

Hello, I am at my wits end and need either encouragement or advice.

I am a 30 year old female married to a 30 year old male. We have been married just over 7 years and in that time we have taken on the roll of youth pastor (he is the pastor) for our church, and we have 2 children under 5 years old. My husband and I come from split homes; my parents divorced due to my biological father having multiple affairs and once the divorce happened he fell off the face of the earth, my husband's parents divorced but he is unsure what all was happening to warrant divorce. After we married I distanced myself from my friends as most were guys and I always knew that they all had feelings for me, most of them were very flirtatious, so I wanted to honor my new husband in keeping my friendships honorable.

My husband is addicted to porn. I know a lot of people have their own opinion on whether porn is ok or not, for me I do not believe it is ok as the Bible states that to look at another woman with lust you commit adultery and adultery is the only reason for divorce. I know, porn shouldn't equate to divorce but stick with me.

About 3 weeks into our marriage I caught my husband touching himself while looking at porn. When I confronted him about it he denied it and was such a good talker he had me apologizing for accusing him. It wasn't till months later that he confessed he was looking at stuff in that moment. A battle then started with me as I began to catch him more and more. I know his porn addiction is not my fault, he says he's been addicted since he was 12 and we didn't meet until our early 20's, but the fact that he was not actively trying to conquer this addiction really angered me.

About our 3rd month of marriage we had a huge argument as I stumbled across a video he had been watching on our laptop, he forgot to close it out I didn't go looking. During this big argument he told me he wanted to be honest about where he was, he told me how he goes through his female coworkers phones while he is alone in the breakroom to look at nudes they have of themselves and then proceeds to masturbate. I was broken in that moment. It no longer was just pictures and videos on the internet but now actual people I see weekly. I couldn't go to his work, I couldn't wear my wedding ring, I could barely look him in the eyes. I began to have the growing fear of "if he can do this then when is he going to start to sleeping with other women?" After every time he was caught in doing something by me he became more loving and more attentive for about a week, his guilt seeping in?

He went to the church pastor and talked about how he was worried for our marriage. We live in a small town and the pastor at the time just so happened to be my husbands ex-girlfriend's father so he was aware of the porn issue. This pastor encouraged us to go to marriage counseling and offered to pay for it, so we went for a 3 months. While there I would talk about my concerns and how I felt that he didn't want to give the porn up, but the counselor seemed uninterested and focused on my traumatic past and why I couldn't oversee the porn addiction for the man my husband is. During this time my husband accepted the role as a youth pastor and was hired by the church full time. Our pastor passed away shortly after concluding our counseling due to an illness, and the gentleman that took over as head pastor is my husband's mentor and "other father."

It was after the passing of our first pastor that I noticed my husband trying to get an old coworker to volunteer her time with him, this would give her 2 hours of being with him. I brought a concern to the new pastor about them being alone as this was the coworker my husband focused on for her nudes. He brushed me off and told me to trust him and that I shouldn't be mad at her and hold it against her (which I'm not angry at her, I'm embarrassed to know that my husband not only violated our vows but also violated this girls privacy without her knowing). I fought with this pastor about how unfair it is that he is seeming to be getting off free of his actions from every one but me. Later my husband started trying to look through other volunteers phones which set an alarm off for me as he works with minors who often forget their phones. He has not told me that he has snooped through a students phone but I honestly would not be surprised.

My husband had done 4 different Bible studies, been a part of 3 different groups that focus on men with porn problems, and now has Covenant Eyes on his phone. I know for some people becoming free from addiction is a process, so I asked 3 things of my husband: 1. Do not look at anything with our sons present or while he is watching them alone 2. do not look at anything in our bed as I needed a safe place and what better place than our marriage bed? 3. do not look at porn and then come to me for fulfillment. My husband has constantly broken all 3 of requests. I have stopped allowing him to be alone with our sons and have even purchased our oldest his own tablet for games that my husband has no access to. I have purchased a new bed for me (that he has already been caught looking at stuff in so I have no safe place), and he was caught looking at porn and then proceeding to have sex with me to relive himself.

We have recently argued over his porn problem as yet again, he is looking at things while getting our youngest to bed. I have become increasingly fed up with the fact that I am not a priority for him, my feelings seem not to matter to him, and our children are not getting the father they deserve. He says I just don't understand (and maybe I don't) but I have 2 wonderful sons that need to have someone fight for them. During this last argument I told my husband that I don't know if I can continue on down the road we are on together as now we have children. He has asked for one more chance to try and correct himself but so far I have seen no effort from him. He is still youth pastoring and we have the same pastor that replaced our first one, and I feel angry that our pastor is not taking this addiction seriously. I am angry that my husband gets to still youth pastor when he is struggling with this (i know absolutely no one is perfect, BUT he is in a leadership position and should be held to higher standards. Especially with his problem of going through other ladies phones for nudes).

Am I crazy? Is there any one that may have dealt with this? At what point do I leave? I don't want to mother him into getting help but I also do not want to sit around and wait forever for him to decide what he wants. Please help me......

Hello, I am at my wits end and need either encouragement or advice.

I am a 30 year old female married to a 30 year old male. We have been married just over 7 years and in that time we have taken on the roll of youth pastor (he is the pastor) for our church, and we have 2 children under 5 years old. My husband and I come from split homes; my parents divorced due to my biological father having multiple affairs and once the divorce happened he fell off the face of the earth, my husband's parents divorced but he is unsure what all was happening to warrant divorce. After we married I distanced myself from my friends as most were guys and I always knew that they all had feelings for me, most of them were very flirtatious, so I wanted to honor my new husband in keeping my friendships honorable.

My husband is addicted to porn. I know a lot of people have their own opinion on whether porn is ok or not, for me I do not believe it is ok as the Bible states that to look at another woman with lust you commit adultery and adultery is the only reason for divorce. I know, porn shouldn't equate to divorce but stick with me.

About 3 weeks into our marriage I caught my husband touching himself while looking at porn. When I confronted him about it he denied it and was such a good talker he had me apologizing for accusing him. It wasn't till months later that he confessed he was looking at stuff in that moment. A battle then started with me as I began to catch him more and more. I know his porn addiction is not my fault, he says he's been addicted since he was 12 and we didn't meet until our early 20's, but the fact that he was not actively trying to conquer this addiction really angered me.

About our 3rd month of marriage we had a huge argument as I stumbled across a video he had been watching on our laptop, he forgot to close it out I didn't go looking. During this big argument he told me he wanted to be honest about where he was, he told me how he goes through his female coworkers phones while he is alone in the breakroom to look at nudes they have of themselves and then proceeds to masturbate. I was broken in that moment. It no longer was just pictures and videos on the internet but now actual people I see weekly. I couldn't go to his work, I couldn't wear my wedding ring, I could barely look him in the eyes. I began to have the growing fear of "if he can do this then when is he going to start to sleeping with other women?" After every time he was caught in doing something by me he became more loving and more attentive for about a week, his guilt seeping in?

He went to the church pastor and talked about how he was worried for our marriage. We live in a small town and the pastor at the time just so happened to be my husbands ex-girlfriend's father so he was aware of the porn issue. This pastor encouraged us to go to marriage counseling and offered to pay for it, so we went for a 3 months. While there I would talk about my concerns and how I felt that he didn't want to give the porn up, but the counselor seemed uninterested and focused on my traumatic past and why I couldn't oversee the porn addiction for the man my husband is. During this time my husband accepted the role as a youth pastor and was hired by the church full time. Our pastor passed away shortly after concluding our counseling due to an illness, and the gentleman that took over as head pastor is my husband's mentor and "other father."

It was after the passing of our first pastor that I noticed my husband trying to get an old coworker to volunteer her time with him, this would give her 2 hours of being with him. I brought a concern to the new pastor about them being alone as this was the coworker my husband focused on for her nudes. He brushed me off and told me to trust him and that I shouldn't be mad at her and hold it against her (which I'm not angry at her, I'm embarrassed to know that my husband not only violated our vows but also violated this girls privacy without her knowing). I fought with this pastor about how unfair it is that he is seeming to be getting off free of his actions from every one but me. Later my husband started trying to look through other volunteers phones which set an alarm off for me as he works with minors who often forget their phones. He has not told me that he has snooped through a students phone but I honestly would not be surprised.

My husband had done 4 different Bible studies, been a part of 3 different groups that focus on men with porn problems, and now has Covenant Eyes on his phone. I know for some people becoming free from addiction is a process, so I asked 3 things of my husband: 1. Do not look at anything with our sons present or while he is watching them alone 2. do not look at anything in our bed as I needed a safe place and what better place than our marriage bed? 3. do not look at porn and then come to me for fulfillment. My husband has constantly broken all 3 of requests. I have stopped allowing him to be alone with our sons and have even purchased our oldest his own tablet for games that my husband has no access to. I have purchased a new bed for me (that he has already been caught looking at stuff in so I have no safe place), and he was caught looking at porn and then proceeding to have sex with me to relive himself.

We have recently argued over his porn problem as yet again, he is looking at things while getting our youngest to bed. I have become increasingly fed up with the fact that I am not a priority for him, my feelings seem not to matter to him, and our children are not getting the father they deserve. He says I just don't understand (and maybe I don't) but I have 2 wonderful sons that need to have someone fight for them. During this last argument I told my husband that I don't know if I can continue on down the road we are on together as now we have children. He has asked for one more chance to try and correct himself but so far I have seen no effort from him. He is still youth pastoring and we have the same pastor that replaced our first one, and I feel angry that our pastor is not taking this addiction seriously. I am angry that my husband gets to still youth pastor when he is struggling with this (i know absolutely no one is perfect, BUT he is in a leadership position and should be held to higher standards. Especially with his problem of going through other ladies phones for nudes).

Am I crazy? Is there any one that may have dealt with this? At what point do I leave? I don't want to mother him into getting help but I also do not want to sit around and wait forever for him to decide what he wants. Please help me......