My marriage story

He is being abusive
It's unacceptable

sorry to hear about this, sounds like a classic case of a gaslighting narcissist. So difficult to live with someone who only thinks of themselves.
Do you have children? Are they going to follow his example?

I am sorry to hear about the problems you are facing. A lot of things you write are things I can relate to. I would guess many married people can relate to these ideas, at least during windows of time when we disagreed with our spouse.

If my wife and I get out of synch, something that works for us is if we humble ourselves before the Lord in prayer and ask for help in our relationship, then each confess our own sins to one another (without accusing).

Time apart--separation-- is not a good solution to the problem. The Bible says, 'Let not the wife depart from her husband....'

Also, if you have a disagreement, try to stay calm. If it relates to how you do things in your marriage, you can say, "I do not agree with your interpretation, but I will submit to you because you are my husband." For example, let's say you disagree on head coverings, and he wanted you to wear one. You could say that and wear one out of submission to him. Even if you did not agree with the interpretation, hopefully, that would resolve issues.

How's your situation going?

When we talk about our past arguments, it feels like I'm always the one admitting to something wrong, and never him. I'll remember what he did, but he'll either not remember or not think it was wrong. It's like we have different versions of events.

I don't think Bible versus about not separating or divorcing are about every situation.

LOL I don't think I would wear a head covering even if he wanted me to. Sorry but are you serious?

I don't mind discussing discipline and punishment, but I always though parents shouldn't argue like that in front of children because it can undermine the paren'ts authority. That's how i felt, like he was taking away my authority in front of our children.

What happens if the husband's actions are not aligned with God (e.g., husband tells wife to give false alibi to the police). What does the wife do then? Does the Bible speak to this type of example? No, I do not think wives have to submit to everything the husband says, especially if it is criminal (small or big).

A wife should submit to her husband as an act of submission to Christ.

A wife is supposed to submit to her husband as unto the Lord. If she sins against the Lord by submitting to her husband, that is not submitting to him 'as unto the Lord.'

I"ve agreed to talk to the pastor with him. I tried talking to him about how I felt, but it just ended up being the same kind of discussion as always. Maybe talking to someone else there will help, someone with an outside perspective. We had counseling before, but I didn't feel comfortable talking to the counselor, I don't know why. It was years ago.

So you believe the wife should give a false alibi if the husband commands, even if that meant obstructing justice and an innocent man is found guilty? I am picking an extreme example here, but sometimes a wife is put in a position where she is asked to do something wrong.

No, my last post was about why a wife should not do such a thing.

the difficutlty in this situation of the OP seems to be that her hsuband is right according to the Lord in his eyes but for her he is wrong and not unto the Lord in her eyes...so they reach and impasse

THere are these possibilities is God is telling the husband one thing and the wife something else? Like for example Jesus tells Peter to do something and John to do something different, he wont tell them to do the same thing. But they are still in their own ways following Jesus.

The other thing is maybe one is wrong and using God as a justification like the Pharisees
Or the wife is completely wrong and needs to swallow her pride.

I guess OP needs to give a concrete example so we know what exactly the issue is, its kind of hard to understand when its all vague...

When we were first married, we fought a lot. I grew up in a quite family where my mom and dad didn't really talk much. My husband's family was very talkative and open about disagreements. He and I would talk about something for a long time. I don't remember how long, maybe an hour or two. It would seem like weren't going to agree, we had both said everything we had to say, and were just repeating ourselves. I'd say, let's stop, we're not going to agree, it's not anything important taht we need to resolve. He would keep arguing, so I'd go to another room, just try to ignore him. He'd follow me,so I'd go somewhere else, maybe lock the door. He'd stand outside arguing with me. This was on our honeymoon, but happend many many times during our marriage. Sometimes I feltl ike I would go crazy. I just couldn't take it.

Sometmies he'd accuse me of not bieng a christian, saying I didn't love God, because I disagreed over what a Bible verse meant or about some doctrine. It hurt me so much, for my husband to tell me I wasn't a Christian or say I didn't love God. How can he know whether I love God or not? I know I love God, but I stopped caring what he thought. maybe he can think what he wants. I'm not going to argue with him. If he can't see that I love God from how I talk normally and act, then nothing I say can prove it to him.

I tried to talk to him about it, how I felt during our arguments. But it was always my fault. He'd follow and argue with me until I wanted to scream. If I screamed, then it was my fault because I was the terrible one, the one who had yelled the loudest. I tried to tell him how he was bothering me, but he'd never admit that what he did was wrong. I can admit when I'm wrong, but he has trouble with that. I became tired of saying I'm sorry, because then it was my fault, and that was it. I don't want to admit fault if the other person never allows that he might have something wrong.

I tried to be happy with him for a long time. I acted nice, and did things together, and went along with his hobbies. I didn't show how frustrated I was, but all the time, I felt awkward being with him. I realized that I didn't like being with him at all, it was just annoying and awkward. I was happy once in a while, but not overall. Maybe for the past few years I was like this.

I finally told him how I felt, that I wasn't happy with him and wanted some time apart. Maybe we can be separated for a while. I feel like I'm going to go crazy if I go here. Maybe I'm being a bit unforgiving, but it's just so difficult. He said that I was happy with him, and I was just having a bad mood that started a few weeks ago. I tried to explain that I've felt like this for a long time, but he didn't believe me. He kept telling me about times when I was supposedly happy with him, but I was just acting nice, trying to be positive, to see whether I could improve our relationship. When I told him that I was just trying, that I really wasn't always happy like he thought, he said that I was lying to myself. Then he said that demons were tricking me and lying to me about my past.

I don't know what to say or do about that. It's always been like this -- if I talk to him, it's like talking to a wall. He listens to me only so he can find a fault or crack in what I'm saying. He doesn't try to understand, just listen long enough to find a way to disprove what I'm saying, and then he'll interrupt me and contradict me right out. I'm so tired of this. I don't even want to talk to him any more. I'm a Christian and I love God, but I feel like if I stay here, stay in this relationship, I'm going to go crazy. I don't know if I can do this for the rest of my life.

One of the examples is raising children and discipline. If I tell our children to do something (like clean their rooms or do chores) and they complain to him and he tells them they don't need to, knowing what I told them, it's like he's saying they can ignore me and don't need to listen to their mother.

I was always taught that parents should be unified, at least in front of their children, and if they disagree to do it away from children so they won't look weak or like they aren't a team.

The other is disagreements. Let's take wearing a head covering. We never talked about it, but hypothetically, what if I disagreed with him about it and he said that because I disagreed I wasn't a Christian. Not just that I should submit to him and wear one, but that even if I do it but disagree with him about it in my mind, I'm not a Christian.

Another thing is missions. I always wanted to be a missionary. But he always said it's not the right time.

When we were first married, we fought a lot. I grew up in a quite family where my mom and dad didn't really talk much. My husband's family was very talkative and open about disagreements. He and I would talk about something for a long time. I don't remember how long, maybe an hour or two. It would seem like weren't going to agree, we had both said everything we had to say, and were just repeating ourselves. I'd say, let's stop, we're not going to agree, it's not anything important taht we need to resolve. He would keep arguing, so I'd go to another room, just try to ignore him. He'd follow me,so I'd go somewhere else, maybe lock the door. He'd stand outside arguing with me. This was on our honeymoon, but happend many many times during our marriage. Sometimes I feltl ike I would go crazy. I just couldn't take it.

Sometmies he'd accuse me of not bieng a christian, saying I didn't love God, because I disagreed over what a Bible verse meant or about some doctrine. It hurt me so much, for my husband to tell me I wasn't a Christian or say I didn't love God. How can he know whether I love God or not? I know I love God, but I stopped caring what he thought. maybe he can think what he wants. I'm not going to argue with him. If he can't see that I love God from how I talk normally and act, then nothing I say can prove it to him.

I tried to talk to him about it, how I felt during our arguments. But it was always my fault. He'd follow and argue with me until I wanted to scream. If I screamed, then it was my fault because I was the terrible one, the one who had yelled the loudest. I tried to tell him how he was bothering me, but he'd never admit that what he did was wrong. I can admit when I'm wrong, but he has trouble with that. I became tired of saying I'm sorry, because then it was my fault, and that was it. I don't want to admit fault if the other person never allows that he might have something wrong.

I tried to be happy with him for a long time. I acted nice, and did things together, and went along with his hobbies. I didn't show how frustrated I was, but all the time, I felt awkward being with him. I realized that I didn't like being with him at all, it was just annoying and awkward. I was happy once in a while, but not overall. Maybe for the past few years I was like this.

I finally told him how I felt, that I wasn't happy with him and wanted some time apart. Maybe we can be separated for a while. I feel like I'm going to go crazy if I go here. Maybe I'm being a bit unforgiving, but it's just so difficult. He said that I was happy with him, and I was just having a bad mood that started a few weeks ago. I tried to explain that I've felt like this for a long time, but he didn't believe me. He kept telling me about times when I was supposedly happy with him, but I was just acting nice, trying to be positive, to see whether I could improve our relationship. When I told him that I was just trying, that I really wasn't always happy like he thought, he said that I was lying to myself. Then he said that demons were tricking me and lying to me about my past.

I don't know what to say or do about that. It's always been like this -- if I talk to him, it's like talking to a wall. He listens to me only so he can find a fault or crack in what I'm saying. He doesn't try to understand, just listen long enough to find a way to disprove what I'm saying, and then he'll interrupt me and contradict me right out. I'm so tired of this. I don't even want to talk to him any more. I'm a Christian and I love God, but I feel like if I stay here, stay in this relationship, I'm going to go crazy. I don't know if I can do this for the rest of my life.