Still a virgin
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Not sure how old you are, but as a "too old to be a virgin" virgin (we have a few of those around here, because modern society is sure there's something wrong with you if you're over 30 and still a virigin), I have had to face the reality that the older we get, the fewer virigins our age there are out there to be potential marriage partners. And those of us who continue down that path come to the realization that maintaining sexual purity is about us doing what's best for ourselves and obeying God, not some sort of cosmic deal to get a guarantee for a certain kind of spouse (even though many of us were fed some sort of reasoning along the lines of be good so God will reward you with good spouse and perfect marriage, that's just not the way it works).
As far as concerns about being compared and found wanting, if you marry a girl who is also committed to waiting until you get married to have sex (and quite honestly many of those who are not committed to that will probably find not being able to "try before they buy" a dealbreaker) then she's not marrying you primarily for sex and she isn't likely to go on the prowl for better sex at the first sign of difficulty or disappointment.
Ultimately, her current standards of sexual behavior should be more important than events that occured in her past ( and we haven't even covered things like being cheated on and divorced through no fault of her own, or sexually abused as a kid, or attacked and assaulted that could make someone technically not a virgin but also not guilty of loose sexual morals)
Just keep in mind that virginity does not automatically equal purity or good moral character.
As far as concerns about being compared and found wanting, if you marry a girl who is also committed to waiting until you get married to have sex (and quite honestly many of those who are not committed to that will probably find not being able to "try before they buy" a dealbreaker) then she's not marrying you primarily for sex and she isn't likely to go on the prowl for better sex at the first sign of difficulty or disappointment.
Ultimately, her current standards of sexual behavior should be more important than events that occured in her past ( and we haven't even covered things like being cheated on and divorced through no fault of her own, or sexually abused as a kid, or attacked and assaulted that could make someone technically not a virgin but also not guilty of loose sexual morals)
Just keep in mind that virginity does not automatically equal purity or good moral character.
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I believe that there is some misunderstanding about what my question is. I am the type of person who sends quick texts and e-mails and used the same technique here. Let me go into some detail. I have had three guy friends who were virgins until marriage and all three married young ladies who each had multiple sex partners in the past. All three had the heartbreak of being compared to previous men. One of the wives actually went to her mother-in-law and complained about how her son wasn’t as good in bed as this or that previous sex partner. To say that this male ego, not forgiving her past sins, or claiming to be without sin, is completely wrong and missing the point. What person who has saved themselves for marriage would want to go through that? That would be heart-breaking, soul-crushing. I’m not putting down ladies who have had sex before marriage at all. My question is simply, what can a woman who has had sex before marriage say to a man who hasn’t to convince him that she won’t do that to him? It’s obvious from my friends’ experiences that the past doesn’t just go away and not affect the future. I was hoping for honest responses from ladies. Not to be offended in any way, but your true viewpoint or real life experience.
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There's way more than non-virginity going on if a lady is talking about previous sex partners with her mother in law. With a good girlfriend trying to work through her disappointment or frustration I could understand, but I can't imagine too many people who want to hear the details of their family members' sex lives (and the ones I can imagine aren't people i'd want to be around or have as family connections).
But honestly, if you get into a relationship with a woman and you're concerned about disappointing her in that aspect of marriage, talk to her about your fears and concerns well before the relationship gets to marriage. Because 1) women like it when you're all open and vulnerable like that and 2) it's one of those aspects of life together that you do need to come to some sort of agreement on and that's much easier to do calmly ahead of time rather than when emotions and expectations get all heightened.
The other thing that probably needs to be said is regardless of how much you love each other or how good of people you are, there are going to be times when you and your spouse hurt each other. That's just an inherent hazard of doing life with other people and letting them get close. If it's not about your performance in bed, it will be some other aspect of life that your ego gets bruised because, well let's face it, none of us are the most competent in many areas of life (and we all have some where we're downright incompetent).
But honestly, if you get into a relationship with a woman and you're concerned about disappointing her in that aspect of marriage, talk to her about your fears and concerns well before the relationship gets to marriage. Because 1) women like it when you're all open and vulnerable like that and 2) it's one of those aspects of life together that you do need to come to some sort of agreement on and that's much easier to do calmly ahead of time rather than when emotions and expectations get all heightened.
The other thing that probably needs to be said is regardless of how much you love each other or how good of people you are, there are going to be times when you and your spouse hurt each other. That's just an inherent hazard of doing life with other people and letting them get close. If it's not about your performance in bed, it will be some other aspect of life that your ego gets bruised because, well let's face it, none of us are the most competent in many areas of life (and we all have some where we're downright incompetent).
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There's a song for this.
We have no secrets
We tell each other most everything
About the lovers in our past
And why they didn't last
We share a cast of characters
From A to Z
We know each other's fantasies
And though we know each other
Better than we explore
Sometimes I wish
Often I wish
That I never, never knew
Some of the secrets of yours
In the name of honesty
In the name of what is fair
You always answer my questions
But they don't always answer my prayer
We have no secrets
We tell each other most everything
About the lovers in our past
And why they didn't last
We share a cast of characters
From A to Z
We know each other's fantasies
And though we know each other
Better than we explore
Sometimes I wish
Often I wish
That I never, never knew
Some of the secrets of yours
In the name of honesty
In the name of what is fair
You always answer my questions
But they don't always answer my prayer
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About the matter as you have restated it, that is a shame. I know some people who are only married the first time, but they still complain to co-workers about their spouses' performance in the bedroom.
My first reaction is to think they focus on the wrong part of marriage and make it the most important part. But I have never been married before, so I don't know.
My first reaction is to think they focus on the wrong part of marriage and make it the most important part. But I have never been married before, so I don't know.
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I haven't been active much on here much these days commenting on posts ect.Yet I felt to comment on your thread.To be honest I kinda got what you meant from the beginning and I'm glad you clarified it more for us.Yes it's unfortunate what happened with those guys which is more a reflection of the wifes character that the husbands ability to satisfy her in bed..😔
There is absolutely NO guarantee that even if two virgins get married there won't be issues in the bedroom to...ranging from a lack of experience to embarrassment to even wrong expectations to different levels of sex drive.
For most males there is always that pressure to be an amazing lover and one way to wound a man emotionally is you say he is a rubbish or lousy lover...things can even get to the point whereby a women can find more satisfaction from sex toys that her actual husband..😔
If a guy meets someone who isnt a virgin this should in NO way make any difference and both will have expectations to some extent of each other.They should make time together learning about sex as Christian's, praying for God to bless their sex lives and being mature about sex and really realising that before God it is a new beginning for them sexually.
What happens with past sex partners is that someone can still have a connection with them without realising it and God needs to break it sometimes.Remember that the two become one and even though physical separated there can be soul ties ect that can hinder things in a new relationship.Some times a past lover can be the benchmark for all others...or their way of having sex can be missed,cherished ect..
Both have to learn about each others sexuality anew and if the wife will be comparing sexual performances with past partners she is actually opening herself up to a form of sexual idolatry because she is seeing that past lovers lovemaking in the wrong context..thus belittling her husband.So really from the outset they should both realise that this is the beginning of a new sex life and the bible says "forget the former things".
So much more I could say..
The basic mechanism of sex is universal however each persons likes,dislikes ect is unique to them and both should be willing to learn developed and grow in their sex lives with Gods grace and guidance.After all he made them both and knows exactly how to enhance their sex lives..
There is absolutely NO guarantee that even if two virgins get married there won't be issues in the bedroom to...ranging from a lack of experience to embarrassment to even wrong expectations to different levels of sex drive.
For most males there is always that pressure to be an amazing lover and one way to wound a man emotionally is you say he is a rubbish or lousy lover...things can even get to the point whereby a women can find more satisfaction from sex toys that her actual husband..😔
If a guy meets someone who isnt a virgin this should in NO way make any difference and both will have expectations to some extent of each other.They should make time together learning about sex as Christian's, praying for God to bless their sex lives and being mature about sex and really realising that before God it is a new beginning for them sexually.
What happens with past sex partners is that someone can still have a connection with them without realising it and God needs to break it sometimes.Remember that the two become one and even though physical separated there can be soul ties ect that can hinder things in a new relationship.Some times a past lover can be the benchmark for all others...or their way of having sex can be missed,cherished ect..
Both have to learn about each others sexuality anew and if the wife will be comparing sexual performances with past partners she is actually opening herself up to a form of sexual idolatry because she is seeing that past lovers lovemaking in the wrong context..thus belittling her husband.So really from the outset they should both realise that this is the beginning of a new sex life and the bible says "forget the former things".
So much more I could say..
The basic mechanism of sex is universal however each persons likes,dislikes ect is unique to them and both should be willing to learn developed and grow in their sex lives with Gods grace and guidance.After all he made them both and knows exactly how to enhance their sex lives..
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I think this is the wrong question. I think the man should just be prepared for it, and be ready to take criticism (and have something to pick on his wife for in return. For fun, of course.) I don't think I would ever go into marriage with the expectation that my wife wouldn't ever do something that would risk hurting my feelings.
With respect to the going around and telling other people about their sex life- THAT could be addressed simply be agreeing to keep the sex life private. Even then- the man should still probably be prepared for something to go wrong there too. People talk.
A virgin-bride can still come to the conclusion that her husband is bad in bed by the gossipings of her silly girlfriends, so... it just doesn't matter. it doesn't.
With respect to the going around and telling other people about their sex life- THAT could be addressed simply be agreeing to keep the sex life private. Even then- the man should still probably be prepared for something to go wrong there too. People talk.
A virgin-bride can still come to the conclusion that her husband is bad in bed by the gossipings of her silly girlfriends, so... it just doesn't matter. it doesn't.
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This is an interesting question, and forgive me if I misunderstand it. Let me try to break it down.
Starting with the man, confidence is a big deal. Women love men who are confident in themselves, from beliefs all the way to work habits. Confidence also affects a man's personality and how they present themselves. Without strong confidence, there will be no woman. For the woman, and ladies correct me if I'm wrong but, appeal is important. Men love attractive women, and it doesn't necessarily have to be physical, but rather what they do and how they act. If the appeal isn't there, there will be no man.
I like using the analogy of ballroom dancing because it is pretty intimate and, with me taking lessons myself, it's teaching me how to become more confident in myself (and I'm still learning). I don't know if you are currently doing or have done ballroom dancing, but let's start with clean slate to make the point:
-There's a lead and a follow. The lead's (which is typically filled by a male) main role is to show off the follow (which is typically filled by a female). The follow's role is to execute the stylized moves with more grace than the lead.
-Where there are many different styles, the most classic ballroom style is the waltz. It's elegant, graceful, and very good starting point for learning other styles. What makes it so classic is positioning of the hands of both parts and their posture. We'll use this as the main example.
-The lead, like other styles, has to have a sense of charge and initiative. His body frame (mostly in the upper body) must be strong and must indicate which way both the lead and the follow are going.
-To execute a move, like a spin or to simply move forward, the lead will raise one of his arms or give a small but noticeable enough push to the follow (or combination of both) to indicate that he's giving a sense of direction and what to do.
-If a move was done incorrectly, whether by the lead or follow (or both), one will stumble because there was miscommunication. In waltz, and any other dance style, it's never spoken as to what move will be made. There's too much anticipation and it could change into something else. Action is key, and the lead must communicate it first through his upper and lower body work to give that sense of direction. The follow must receive and execute what it is the lead is communicating through his action, if she wants to show off correctly. If she doesn't, the performance stops. Do overs are possible, but communication must be sent and received.
-Graceful moves, by both lead and follow, will happen when they find they work well together. Taking it slow, when you're first starting out, is important. It gives a better sense if you two would even make good partners. If you try to jump into more advanced moves without the basics, going as fast you can, the dance will go nowhere. If both parts are playing out their roles well enough in the beginning, through trial and error, they will continue to dance together. If the lead isn't communicating something to follow correctly, or if the follow isn't executing the correct what the lead is communicating, they will find different partners.
-Other styles will come out from the waltz, such as rumba, tango, swing, and whatever else, because it is a very "basic" (if you want to call it that) style, if you practice and perform enough together. You'll find you're stronger in different styles than others, but if all you can offer is one style, if you're either the lead or follow, that person playing whatever the role is will move on to someone who offers more. Same goes if communicating and/or receiving for those styles, if it's not panning out at all, someone will come along that can do one or the other. So make sure to practice if you intend to perform more.
-To conclude, in any dance style, the lead must have the confidence to communicate what it is he is asking to do, while the follow has to make the appeal apparent by executing the move in order to have the lead think of the next move they do together. If either one of them fail, the dance isn't happening as planned.
So what does this all have to do with the question at hand? Well, taking the woman who isn't a virgin, if she doesn't appeal to the man or gives a good reason as to why he should marry her, such as what she brings to the table, she isn't worth it. If the man isn't communicating confidently what it is he is asking, he will be considered to be lesser than the other men before him. So both parties need to be on the same page, like a ballroom dance. Hope I answered it to what the question was getting at. I apologize if I didn't.
Starting with the man, confidence is a big deal. Women love men who are confident in themselves, from beliefs all the way to work habits. Confidence also affects a man's personality and how they present themselves. Without strong confidence, there will be no woman. For the woman, and ladies correct me if I'm wrong but, appeal is important. Men love attractive women, and it doesn't necessarily have to be physical, but rather what they do and how they act. If the appeal isn't there, there will be no man.
I like using the analogy of ballroom dancing because it is pretty intimate and, with me taking lessons myself, it's teaching me how to become more confident in myself (and I'm still learning). I don't know if you are currently doing or have done ballroom dancing, but let's start with clean slate to make the point:
-There's a lead and a follow. The lead's (which is typically filled by a male) main role is to show off the follow (which is typically filled by a female). The follow's role is to execute the stylized moves with more grace than the lead.
-Where there are many different styles, the most classic ballroom style is the waltz. It's elegant, graceful, and very good starting point for learning other styles. What makes it so classic is positioning of the hands of both parts and their posture. We'll use this as the main example.
-The lead, like other styles, has to have a sense of charge and initiative. His body frame (mostly in the upper body) must be strong and must indicate which way both the lead and the follow are going.
-To execute a move, like a spin or to simply move forward, the lead will raise one of his arms or give a small but noticeable enough push to the follow (or combination of both) to indicate that he's giving a sense of direction and what to do.
-If a move was done incorrectly, whether by the lead or follow (or both), one will stumble because there was miscommunication. In waltz, and any other dance style, it's never spoken as to what move will be made. There's too much anticipation and it could change into something else. Action is key, and the lead must communicate it first through his upper and lower body work to give that sense of direction. The follow must receive and execute what it is the lead is communicating through his action, if she wants to show off correctly. If she doesn't, the performance stops. Do overs are possible, but communication must be sent and received.
-Graceful moves, by both lead and follow, will happen when they find they work well together. Taking it slow, when you're first starting out, is important. It gives a better sense if you two would even make good partners. If you try to jump into more advanced moves without the basics, going as fast you can, the dance will go nowhere. If both parts are playing out their roles well enough in the beginning, through trial and error, they will continue to dance together. If the lead isn't communicating something to follow correctly, or if the follow isn't executing the correct what the lead is communicating, they will find different partners.
-Other styles will come out from the waltz, such as rumba, tango, swing, and whatever else, because it is a very "basic" (if you want to call it that) style, if you practice and perform enough together. You'll find you're stronger in different styles than others, but if all you can offer is one style, if you're either the lead or follow, that person playing whatever the role is will move on to someone who offers more. Same goes if communicating and/or receiving for those styles, if it's not panning out at all, someone will come along that can do one or the other. So make sure to practice if you intend to perform more.
-To conclude, in any dance style, the lead must have the confidence to communicate what it is he is asking to do, while the follow has to make the appeal apparent by executing the move in order to have the lead think of the next move they do together. If either one of them fail, the dance isn't happening as planned.
So what does this all have to do with the question at hand? Well, taking the woman who isn't a virgin, if she doesn't appeal to the man or gives a good reason as to why he should marry her, such as what she brings to the table, she isn't worth it. If the man isn't communicating confidently what it is he is asking, he will be considered to be lesser than the other men before him. So both parties need to be on the same page, like a ballroom dance. Hope I answered it to what the question was getting at. I apologize if I didn't.
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