Sometimes I get doubtful

I mostly live for God in a probably bad way.....

I feel like I've given up on things when I was atheist. It all seemed unworthy of the pain.

But then when I heard someone as big as God would love me, I felt so excited and I just threw myself onto Him and I felt as if the love was returned.

And then troubles came and I felt like I slowly got distant, BUT I wanted to hold on. I didn't know anywhere I could find hope besides Him.

So I felt like I didn't love Him, if I loved Him, I would follow His commandments better like I did before, but instead I go to Him as if He is a drug for me. I would use "God loves me, there is hope in Him" as a way to get myself to forget everything in the idea that someone as big as God loves me.
So even though I had troubled holding on, and felt guilty most of the time, I still wanted to just use Him like a water fountain in the way, just because I felt so needy and depressed.

And then sometimes I watch these videos atheists make, that would throw off my faith, but when I watch them, I don't care.
They say so many things that would cause me to doubt, but I guess I don't care, because God is like a water fountain to me, and nothing else could quench my thirst.

I'm a bad Christian in that I know I'm probably an addict wanting to get obsessed with something, but I chose to get obsessed with God and the idea of someone like Him loving me just gave me some sort of joy nothing else could.

But I guess I don't know if I have real faith. Sometimes I doubt, and I guess maybe I just go to God to feel some sort of sense of peace when I just feel like this world is unbearable to live on and is pointless.

I guess to me, I could just throw away my faith, but life is just so pointless an atheist, it all just seems like a big waste of time.


Maybe it's dumb I want to feel joy and some sense of peace.... maybe the faith I have is trashy, and I probably just want to feel peace, and even if i feel a bit doubtful, apart of me just really wants to believe there is a God who would love me and would want to guide me.

Nothing else could comfort me so I guess I'll keep going to Him like a water fountain.

I mostly live for God in a probably bad way.....

I feel like I've given up on things when I was atheist. It all seemed unworthy of the pain.

But then when I heard someone as big as God would love me, I felt so excited and I just threw myself onto Him and I felt as if the love was returned.

And then troubles came and I felt like I slowly got distant, BUT I wanted to hold on. I didn't know anywhere I could find hope besides Him.

So I felt like I didn't love Him, if I loved Him, I would follow His commandments better like I did before, but instead I go to Him as if He is a drug for me. I would use "God loves me, there is hope in Him" as a way to get myself to forget everything in the idea that someone as big as God loves me.
So even though I had troubled holding on, and felt guilty most of the time, I still wanted to just use Him like a water fountain in the way, just because I felt so needy and depressed.

And then sometimes I watch these videos atheists make, that would throw off my faith, but when I watch them, I don't care.
They say so many things that would cause me to doubt, but I guess I don't care, because God is like a water fountain to me, and nothing else could quench my thirst.

I'm a bad Christian in that I know I'm probably an addict wanting to get obsessed with something, but I chose to get obsessed with God and the idea of someone like Him loving me just gave me some sort of joy nothing else could.

But I guess I don't know if I have real faith. Sometimes I doubt, and I guess maybe I just go to God to feel some sort of sense of peace when I just feel like this world is unbearable to live on and is pointless.

I guess to me, I could just throw away my faith, but life is just so pointless an atheist, it all just seems like a big waste of time.


Maybe it's dumb I want to feel joy and some sense of peace.... maybe the faith I have is trashy, and I probably just want to feel peace, and even if i feel a bit doubtful, apart of me just really wants to believe there is a God who would love me and would want to guide me.

Nothing else could comfort me so I guess I'll keep going to Him like a water fountain.

Hi Michael,

I came across your post earlier. I am really blessed by your honesty and transparency.
I love the way you say you mostly live for God a probably bad way. Is there a good and bad way to live for God?

There’s something in me that connects with what you wrote: the doubt, the fear, the wondering if you’re doing this “thing” right? It’s all normal and part of our beautiful journey with Him.

One thing you have to remember is that as much as God is real and His love for you is real, so is the adversary that wants to cause you to doubt. Much of the struggle we face is as a result of this battle where the devil wants us to doubt that God really does care about us. Always remember that he is the father of lies. That’s what he uses to turn us from God. The lie that you’re not good enough; the lie that you are a disappointment to God… turn those thoughts that he bombards your mind with the other way around and you’ll discover the truth.

In your post you said that you feel like this world is unbearable to live on and is pointless. I can relate with that! It is Christ that gives this life meaning. Outside of God, there is no point. Like the Scriptures say, the mentality out there is “Let us eat and drink and be happy, because tomorrow we die.” I have to live for more than filling my belly and having a good time. I’ve discovered purpose and hope and destiny in God. That He CREATED me for a reason; He CREATED me for Himself: He CREATED me to have a RELATIONSHIP with Him. Go to Him as that fountain. Allow Him to drench you. Press in to the realization that He LOVES you!! Because He really does.

There’s this image that’s been burning bright in my heart the last few days. An image I want to share with you. It’s the image of Jesus entering this world. The image of God looking down from Heaven, seeing the heartache, seeing the chaos, seeing the hopelessness of His people who were no longer in relationship with Him. How? How could He convince us of His love for us? How could He convince us that He is GOOD and He wants to wrap His arms around us and LOVE us in our hurts?

There was only one way. He would have to become a Man and love us from down here. In Jesus He wraps His arms around us; in Jesus we see His heart for even the smallest child. In Jesus we see God reaching out to us. He weeps over our hurts. He cannot walk past our suffering without being moved with compassion. He noticed the widow who put in the last of her money because she trusted in God. He went out of His way to talk to the outcast known as the Samaritan woman by the well. He sees the broken-hearted, the sinner and the leper, and He gets involved. He could not walk away from the funeral procession indifferently; He felt the pain of the widow who had lost her only son. He hurt. He loved. And then He responded out of that love. He loves you in the same way. He doesn’t require you to keep His commandments. He desires that you press into Him, that you get to know this God who gave everything to you and for you. And as you get to know Him, as you study His Nature and His heartbeat found in His Word, walking in His commandments will come naturally. Obedience is a response of love. Come as you are. He’s accepted you as you are. And He’ll clean you up as you walk with Him. Just let Him do it.

Believe it or not, you’re in a good place, because it leaves you pressing in to Him. And I pray, Lord, that you would open Michael’s eyes to the fullness of Your love for him. That you would give him a fresh encounter with you and continue to shower your love, compassion and mercy upon him. That he would live in the fullness of the exclamation of his name: “WHO IS LIKE GOD??!” Who loves us so very much….

I mostly live for God in a probably bad way.....

I feel like I've given up on things when I was atheist. It all seemed unworthy of the pain.

But then when I heard someone as big as God would love me, I felt so excited and I just threw myself onto Him and I felt as if the love was returned.

And then troubles came and I felt like I slowly got distant, BUT I wanted to hold on. I didn't know anywhere I could find hope besides Him.

So I felt like I didn't love Him, if I loved Him, I would follow His commandments better like I did before, but instead I go to Him as if He is a drug for me. I would use "God loves me, there is hope in Him" as a way to get myself to forget everything in the idea that someone as big as God loves me.
So even though I had troubled holding on, and felt guilty most of the time, I still wanted to just use Him like a water fountain in the way, just because I felt so needy and depressed.

And then sometimes I watch these videos atheists make, that would throw off my faith, but when I watch them, I don't care.
They say so many things that would cause me to doubt, but I guess I don't care, because God is like a water fountain to me, and nothing else could quench my thirst.

I'm a bad Christian in that I know I'm probably an addict wanting to get obsessed with something, but I chose to get obsessed with God and the idea of someone like Him loving me just gave me some sort of joy nothing else could.

But I guess I don't know if I have real faith. Sometimes I doubt, and I guess maybe I just go to God to feel some sort of sense of peace when I just feel like this world is unbearable to live on and is pointless.

I guess to me, I could just throw away my faith, but life is just so pointless an atheist, it all just seems like a big waste of time.


Maybe it's dumb I want to feel joy and some sense of peace.... maybe the faith I have is trashy, and I probably just want to feel peace, and even if i feel a bit doubtful, apart of me just really wants to believe there is a God who would love me and would want to guide me.

Nothing else could comfort me so I guess I'll keep going to Him like a water fountain.