For the People Who Champion Lifetime Singleness - What's Your Advice for Dealing with Single Sexuality?

Hey Everyone,

We have a range of opinions about singleness here in the forum -- some people very adamantly want to get married, while some very adamantly want to remain single, and some people are in between -- which seems perfectly normal. I would say that for myself, I would fall into the in-between category -- how about you? I think God calls us all to different situations, with no one-size-fits-all answer.

Even though I sometimes feel I could go in either direction (whether to marry or to stay single,) I definitely pay attention to posts by users who seem to be perfectly content as a single, intend on being single for the rest of their lives, or are at peace with the thought, because I always wonder how they do it.

The one question I always want to ask them is, "But what would your advice be for singles who struggle with sexuality?" After all, absolutely everyone in the Christian community always quotes the infamous passage that it is "better to marry than to burn with passion" (1 Corinthians 7:9.) First of all, I'm sure I'd have a ton of money in the bank if I could count the number of times I've seen that advice given to singles. Secondly, the people who give that advice don't seem to acknowledge the other side of the coin -- well-meaning Christians who do get married and even convince themselves that they're in love, but if you go far enough below the surface, the driving motivation to get married was sex (and you see this mentioned sometimes in the Forum Family threads as a reason for the breakup of a marriage.)

I have nothing but admiration for those who fight to remain to protect their singleness at all costs. But I also feels it's important that when strongly advocating a point of view, it should be pertinent to offer well-rounded advice on how to live out that decision.

We now have a thread asking divorced people to disclose the extremely personal issues as to why they are divorced; I felt it was only fair to ask those who plan to remain single forever how they deal with sexuality, and what their advice would be to other singles who struggle with it, because to ignore this topic and act like it doesn't exist just keeps people in a place where they suffer in silence. It tells people what to do, but doesn't realistically tell them how to do it, or acknowledge the struggles they are going through.

As a long-time single myself, sexuality is the number one question I get asked about by other singles.

It's fine and dandy to never get married. But what's your game plan on dealing with things like porn and knowing that if you stay single, you are never, E.V.E.R. allowed to have any form of sexual expression for the rest of your life? Even for singles who don't outwardly mention it, this is usually the question that's always hinging in their minds (at least from my experience in the single Christian community.)

For anyone who is brave enough to answer, it's fine to just give generalizations and not personal details about yourself.

It's that it sometimes feels like there is a very strong anti-marriage sentiment here in Singles -- as if wanting to find someone and get married is wrong, or anyone who wants to do so is some kind of moron. While I agree that getting married be wrong for some people -- maybe sexuality isn't an issue for them, and that's why they can do it -- I definitely believe that God still calls others to be married, and it would be wrong to try to stop them from doing so.

However, for those who insist that the single life is the only way to go -- what suggestions and advice do you have for others who want to adapt to long-term or permanent singleness?

Some people have a very low sex drive, a natural condition that is neither good or bad. Those people find it easy to stay single. For those with normal sex drive, marriage is the best solution. Unless you hide away from life, incitements to lust are everywhere, at least in the Western world. I gave up going to the beach years ago for that reason.

I'll be 70 in a week. I've been single for 25 years. I was not interested in remarriage. However, I have recently asked someone I've known for long time to marry me. We've grown closer over the years and we are now more than just friends. People do change, and the avowedly single can change, as I have.

I have never understood the excruciating desire to experience childbirth. I was so young when it happened that I can't remember a thing.

Seriously, the Lord has given me perfect peace about where I am at. Perhaps it is easier for Christian men to accept than women? Being close to one another will be much easier in the future than it is in this present time of distress.

1 Corinthians
7:25 Now concerning virgins I have no commandment of the Lord: yet I give my judgment, as one that hath obtained mercy of the Lord to be faithful.
7:26 I suppose therefore that this is good for the present distress, [I say], that [it is] good for a man so to be.

2 Samuel
11:9 But Uriah slept at the door of the king's house with all the servants of his lord, and went not down to his house.
11:10 And when they had told David, saying, Uriah went not down unto his house, David said unto Uriah, Camest thou not from [thy] journey? why [then] didst thou not go down unto thine house?
11:11 And Uriah said unto David, The ark, and Israel, and Judah, abide in tents; and my lord Joab, and the servants of my lord, are encamped in the open fields; shall I then go into mine house, to eat and to drink, and to lie with my wife? [as] thou livest, and [as] thy soul liveth, I will not do this thing.
11:12 And David said to Uriah, Tarry here to day also, and to morrow I will let thee depart. So Uriah abode in Jerusalem that day, and the morrow.
11:13 And when David had called him, he did eat and drink before him; and he made him drunk: and at even he went out to lie on his bed with the servants of his lord, but went not down to his house.

Oyster,

I'm sorry, but I didn't understand this post in response to someone asking you why you didn't marry a woman you loved.

Are you saying that you found it too important to serve the Lord rather than get married?

Again, I apologize, but I wasn't sure what this passage had to do with choosing not to get married, since it talks about someone who is already married but chose not to go and spend time with his wife in the face of war.

I have pondered removal of my genitalia as an option, but if I recall the bible says that's wrong too 🤷‍♂️ so I'm completely at a loss. I guess I just go to hell and that's that.

since it talks about someone who is already married

I just got done reading all the posts on this thread. So many scars from past injuries and loneliness and rejection. I feel like I just crashed in here like a bull in a china shop. I'm sorry if I came across as insensitive.

I feel like the Lord wants me to tell you that you are all winners and overcomes through Christ and His blood He shed because HE LOVES YOU!!! When He's all ya got, He is all you need! He has brought us all safely through the storm and eternal glory looms large before us! Nothing can snatch us from His loving arms now, for we are passed from death unto life. Let go of the worries and cares of this life. "All the needless pain we bare, all because we do not carry everything to Him in prayer" . No I am not blue-skying it. It is not too good to be true. This is our glorious reality TODAY! PTL!

Hebrews
12:1 Wherefore seeing we also are compassed about with so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset [us], and let us run with patience the race that is set before us,
12:2 Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of [our] faith; who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God.

I just got done reading all the posts on this thread. So many scars from past injuries and loneliness and rejection. I feel like I just crashed in here like a bull in a china shop. I'm sorry if I came across as insensitive.

I definitely don't consider myself to be a champion of singleness, but I have found that it's just easier(and mentally satisfying) to be single rather that with someone who doesn't share your beliefs or respects you. I had a bad experience with my previous relationship and I am very weary of this modern dating world. Things are even more complicated with the pandemic and I am pretty fed up with online dating, to a point that I simply focus of bettering myself and preparing myself for the married life, so to speak)) I have been reconnecting with Christianity since the last year, it's a long story. And although I've never really struggled with being single or celibate, I have come to accept that I have developed some not-so-desirable habits to cope with my sexual nature. Sometimes my brain goes places that makes me feel really guilty, but at least I understand where some of that "inspiration" has come from. I understand that consistent praying and shifting your mindset to the character you want to become will help in those situations.. but I just know ahead that my animalistic nature will try convince me to be impulsive and selfish towards the present moment and give in at times. The only thing I kind of worry about is when I eventually marry, is how much, which parts I need to suppress from my husband(or should I) when it comes to acting out on sexual desires. I can't simply trust the word of men anymore. My dad taught me to judge man's character by his actions, as they speak louder than words. During the courting stage, I want to be honest too about myself, but it gets complicated when you start thinking about intimacy. For men, from what I hear anyway, know almost right away how serious they are about you. I think being born in Eastern Europe instilled more traditional outlook on relationships, and I keep praying that I will find my future husband soon and I can become the woman that God meant for me to be. I hope this made some sense )) I am just sharing what's on my mind right now and I can relate that there are days when you feel things you want are so out of reach, but having faith is what gets me though. "There is a season for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens"

The dating pool today is definitely akin to a swamp or sewer.

The dating pool today is definitely akin to a swamp or sewer.

Of course if most of the good people want to stay out of it, how will it improve?

Of course if most of the good people want to stay out of it, how will it improve?

Of course if most of the good people want to stay out of it, how will it improve?

why should me or anyone else get into it?

It won't improve until the number of quality people improves.

I think you guys are missing her point. She is talking about the 'pool' - not about how much it is a 'swamp'.

She is saying - if all the "good people" stay out of the pool (i.e. - don't date), how will it help the overall condition of the pool to be better than just a swamp.

WBM - I understand that you are in effect saying:

"Why would anyone want to swim in shark-infested waters?"

TB - what you said is actually very similar to what she said.